A Collection Of

Ramblings, musings, questions, and poetry. I am a survivor of rape and domestic abuse expressing myself and healing through poetry and the strength of my words. 

[wobbledrones]

I shot my brain out of a cannon

The night you lied to my brother.

Years of compressed smoke,

Youth, and Lies

Tore through the horizon;

A thin sheet of shame.

And for once,

I Saw.

Afterwards,

I asked for your help.

It scared you.

So I am learning,

When is the truth necessary?

[wobbledrones]

Brandon K

I haven't seen you smile in a while

I haven't heard your laugh

Haven't heard you crack a joke,

Or wear your baseball cap

Things like this, they worry me

We've all been there before;

This time, you shut the one behind,

But ahead, no open door

The life is draining from your eyes,

The light from your sweet soul

The flag you wear upon your head

Not risen on the pole

I wish there was a way for me

To take it all away

Make your burdens mine to own

To brighten up your day

I wish that any action took

Would turn it all around

But all I have is my own self,

My things, and this old this town

But if there's nothing else to do

I would just like to say

You've been a friend, a mentor too,

And I'd take it all away.

Tomorrow comes all too soon,

And then it goes away,

But please, just let me know

If I can brighten up your day.

[wobbledrones]

Just kind of watching

Hearing the sounds

Looking around

Turning my head

from side to side

Dipping down, dipping down,

My neck gave a

Crack, Crack, Crack

And I crossed my legs

I heard a poem about love poems

Instead of obituaries, and I thought,

Hey, that is fair enough

Tonight I thought about

A very loud bar

And a few mules

I thought about their outfit instead of mine,

Which is new

Tonight I thought about everyone I love

And everyone I know

And all of the things that keep me on

And Tonight I didn't think about obituaries

Or painful sleep

Or what it would be like if who? found me

Tonight I focused on the way

Mango and spicy tuna go together, or

Waist beads,

Rainbow nose hoops,

Asking questions,

drag shows

And bubbles,

They all go together.

I should have been in bed 2 hours ago,

But instead I'm up thinking about

The state of the world again.

Sometimes things are scary.

But when things are scary,

You lack understanding.

So, understand.

You are allowed to know.

You are allowed to ask, and

you are allowed to know.

So.

Maybe do that.

And write love poems.

[wobbledrones]

A Message To A Retired Lover

Tuesday, February 18, 2020 7:33 AM

Sweet Quiet Friend I wish I could've known you pure The good things all end, And you'll do great I'm sure

I thought silence would be sign of wisdom, And free I didn't consider uncertainty I didn't consider not wanting me

Or wanting somebody to rest on your chest Our run was short but I did my best To validate and cherish and entertain and teach And I hope you enjoyed your trip to the beach

You taught me too, a million and one Maybe next time I will walk before run You were my best friend for maybe a week, With gentle hand tugs and a kiss on the cheek

I'll miss your name on my lips And your weight on my hips I'll miss the surprise in your eyes, or the fear

I'll be okay, I promise But I will miss you, my dear.

[wobbledrones]

Moldy

Tuesday, February 18, 2020 7:20 AM

It's always been told that we are to break moulds, but

Moulds break before formed in here.

Air like swimming through a murky lake

And a thousand snakes Disguised as friends

To compliment the atmosphere.

[wobbledrones]

I Bet We Could Write A Song Now

Tuesday, February 18, 2020 7:09 AM

You never judged me for drinking too much. You liked the taste, a skill I first appreciated in you And developed for myself, but I was a lush,

And I made you laugh.

A beacon in the regular, Fingers on strings, My eyes closed so hard to so many things So early on

I guess you gave up, or Maybe I smothered you, You never did like being still for too long. Or quiet.

But it doesn’t matter anyway, Or it won't at some point anyway. For now I guess I'll continue to write through it. All of the best things in life are false untrue.

[wobbledrones]

I Just Can't Get It Out

Friday, February 21, 2020 5:57 PM

I wasted another beautiful day today I opted to drink in the dark Instead of bringing the dog to play Or even bringing myself to the park

I did not practice my instruments I did not do the dishes I did not think about what it meant I did not make more wishes

//

'cause the last wish I made turned into a fright, I wished for my friend in the darkness The wish came true, sure, but in darkest light I was given a run on my smartness

I can read Buddhist poetry bare if you'd like I trust you enough not to touch me But trust is a construct and life is a fight So maybe that's why you did touch me

And the way that I'm drinking what I drink today Helps fade taste of most personal decay It reminds me of how I was drinking that night And how you disregarded when I put up a fight

//

Like

I know I said no But I still remember What you look like in pale light and I still remember The way my mouth curved to you, Edges split for weeks I still remember When you asked if you were what you are, Originally I said no, Because you were my friend.

//

But then the edges of my mouth split for weeks, And blood and sadness fell from my cheeks, And all of this time I just thought I was weak,

But it’s just you, and you're a monster.

//

I'm probably stronger for what you did now. And I'm probably smarter for leaving the "how." I hope the consequence of action from what you have done Follows you 'til your last glimpse of the sun.

I hope you learn for our sake, we've lost, you've not won I hope you learn to balance your morals and fun.

[wobbledrones]

Blackwater

Tuesday, February 18, 2020 7:05 AM

We were walking the dog today at the park When I noticed a girl, resemblance stark To a girl I once knew, hair dark, down to her shoulders We giggled and sang as we skipped over boulders

We talked about sunshine And we talked about music We talked about sweetness And then where to use it

The joy of new friends not to be abus-ed Dharma continues Love ever fluid

[wobbledrones]

The Life Of A Dog

Tuesday, February 18, 2020 7:00 AM

After hours on end Of wand'ring the land He emerged at the door With food in his hand

The shout of our names Through the kingdoms beside We gathered our game And strapped in for the ride

We wandered through forests And wandered by streams Until we reached warmest Land of our Dreams

"Sit boy, good boy, I'll give you a treat. Here is your food bowl, Now rest at my feet."

And we dined and we smiled And we laughed and we slept And our restful sleep safe By our owner that kept.

[wobbledrones]

Freefall

Tuesday, February 18, 2020 6:46 AM

The intersection Where pain and fear Meet dramatic self-realization

You must remember you cannot force your name Or write a page In another's diary

To experience emotion is inevitable As a human, our choice remains to react or to let go

Love is an impossible word, And the things we do to protect the idea Are often difficult to justify

I can empathize, I'd break my own bones if it would open their ears But causing a ruckus only fuels fear

Open up tender arms To show you mean no harm

They're intimidated by your largeness of soul

[wobbledrones]

You Are What You Eat

Tuesday, February 18, 2020 6:11 AM

Sometimes I think I think too hard And I'm finding the way to bring to it use For writing of journey is helping me, largely And so for the trials and tales of abuse.

My mother says "thank you for showing me that We are all messed up," ma, it's hardly a fad You did nothing wrong except what you thought best So we take all our lessons and sacrifice the rest.

My grandmother tells me "I worry for you" And for you pretty lady, I worry, too, For we are stuck on this rock with others about To practice our kindness and patience devout

My lover tells me it's difficult to convey, Process, decide, or figure out what to say, And I say consider even when out of reach Still it's been spoken, and it's fair road to teach

A dearest companion, fan of benefit in doubt, "Uncertainty could help you to find your way out" I suppose, but what then when you've wasted your time? You do with yours love, and I'll do with mine

All of these things thusly wrote on my head Moulding my mind to the shapes by them led A key convoluted to certain degree, I'll use what I've learned and I'll learn to be me

[wobbledrones]

I Held Your Hand

I Held Your Hand Saturday, February 15, 2020 7:41 PM

I held your hand in a stranger's today He approached me and told me that my hair was brave He walked down the aisle, eyes set on my sway I said excuse me and tried to get out of his way

He let me go once, not safe for the day.

I continued my walk and again he was there Telling me what I shouldn't do where Telling me I was beauty so fair But with ugly words that brought fear and despair

There's no way that I could have handled it there.

The way that he spoke them reminds me of you Your actions erratic and morals so few He paid no mind to the way I would view This encounter with him that reminds me of you

I bit on my lip to distract from the lump That grew in my throat, and my heart slowly sunk To the depths of my belly, in time for a jump As he called my attention, my whole body shrunk

To the size of a marble And the hardness as well His voice but a warble he smashed through my shell

Reckless and thoughtless, unwelcome as well.

Led by a fist he appeared by my side Smiling gently, eyes open wide Acting as though he had something to hide Claiming a gift, but I'm certain he lied.

I reached to my fate Grimace to face "I'm gonna be late" And left not a trace

But the look on my face.

And the chill in my bones.

And the fear in my heart.

I just want to go home.

But what is at home but more memories of you? But what in the world do you think I should do? Violation so deep, physical simply new. Entire realities, at your hand, askew.

[wobbledrones]

Leftover Boy

Dedicated to a woman I've loved since my youth Stepped off the ledge with your hand in your pocket Deafening feedback, unplug from it's socket Lie on the ground in most final silence And in your last breath thank your friends for the violence

O monochrome world, My silhouette pasted to the night sky Oh my Oh why?

You were never last choice, never leftovers But never the first, and often glanced over But by your own mind, always remembered Life not meant to be kind, but to that you surrendered

Sweet leftover boy with your hands in your pocket Toes over the edge, lean in not to drop it Just dangle your legs form the railing today We'll all find our peace in inevitable decay

[wobbledrones]

I Think It Would Be Beneficial To Be By A Tree

Sunday, January 19, 2020 6:05 AM

24 years now I've been walking on this road Never really part of it and never quite alone Because we run in close proximity to people that we like And that proximity is the same thing that tears us apart

And I am so damn tired Of not talking about it

I think it's safe to say that if you love them all the same And they have so much to teach you more than just run a game Then you should want those people in your life … Right?

But it's coming clear to me that we often oversee What is good for you and me isn't always Comfortable…. You see, The road is full of bumps and shit that shouldn't be on roads But we have the strength to change the fucking path right as we go! And I guess a lot of people just don't realize or don't know.

Maybe a lot of people just don't realize or don't know…

[wobbledrones]

Next Step

Sunday, January 19, 2020 5:44 AM

As I take a deep breath and hoist up my pack I'll take one step forward, then pause to look back I see the over-filled yard in the woods With strings in the trees, and rust on the hoods

Of all of the old metal you've found and you keep And all of the bugs that crawled in my sleep I see your stringy black hair and they stare And told you to wash it but you haven't a care

Can't find one either, I dare to say But I suppose maybe you want it that way

I see a pistol as I close my eyes, And hear it go off as I shake my head, "why?" We were just children, and good kids at that So why'd you have to go fuckin' act like an ass?

I see white metal table and swing in the front With delicate flowers and melody hunt We'd swing and we'd sing to the neighbors and leaves And Laugh with each other, and practice to breathe

I hear echoes of laughter on barren, white wall A mansion in moonlight, no floor for the hall And no floor for the kitchen or spare study too, So we balanced on beams until stairs to top room

So I make my next steps Away from the mess And away from your eyes And away from your breath

And away from the lessons I learned and I kept

The very last thing that you said as I leave Was "look at the way that I ruin your things!" In your wake a handful of nightmares and fears that will stick to my brain until the end of my years.

[wobbledrones]

It Isn't All Bad

Sunday, January 19, 2020 5:37 AM

As I continue on with myself I'm coming to realize some things The pressure you put on changing the outcome Hasn't been lost on me

You taught me to be selfless Which is the ironic thing Considering how selfish And how much you took from me

You taught me to be patient Which isn't as ironic Considering the circumstances to you Were platonic

You taught me about the path You reminded me how to laugh You showed me how to glow You helped me to grow

You taught me to be me And to be who I want to be But I think you only did it To take it away from me

Because success is subjective And love isn't a construct if it's performed correctly You gave me everything I asked for and more I'll have to be more careful with what I'm asking for

[wobbledrones]

I Remember The Last Time I Kissed You

February 22nd, 2021 6:07 PM

If I could re-do the last time I kissed you, I wouldn't have let you go. But now it's done, I must move on, and I'm having to do it alone. To capture those seconds and hold them in place, just long enough to absorb your embrace... But those are just memories, floating in space... tethered to the last time I saw your sweet face... My sweet love, if I could simply erase or re-do the last time that I kissed you.