Life is but a Dream for the Dead

Widow💔Aspie💛Artist👩‍🎨Mama🤱ED Recovery🧘‍♀️ProLife❤️

[wonberzomdie]

I kinda dread going to my next therapy session because I’ve lost a little weight... I need to take better care of myself. I’m not even trying to lose weight. Just been so busy, depressed, grieving and sad, and NOW I’m sick with the flu.

And just so y’all know, I do not promote EDs. I know I probably posted a lot of stuff like that early on, I trie to remove what I could, but I didn’t realize that was what I was doing at the time. I apologize if I have hurt anyone with past posts from years ago.

[wonberzomdie]

My body is hurting. Haven’t done anything out of the ordinary. But yet I’m hurting all over. I can’t tell the difference between physical aches and emotional aches anymore.

I want nick. I need him here. I wanted to experience this with him. Half of me always feels gone.

[wonberzomdie]

I love my little rugrat❤️

[wonberzomdie]

It just keeps getting lonelier and lonelier.

[wonberzomdie]

Thanksgiving last year: I got my son dressed in his thanksgiving outfit. NM came and got us and we went to his (and soon to be my) family thanksgiving dinner. I was happy to know that my son would grow up around a big loving family.

Thanksgiving this year: I had a bad dream that NM’s brother was yelling at me telling me everything was my fault. Woke up with chest pains. Laid in bed for 3 hours before I could even get up. I got my son dressed in some pajamas, sat him in the living room and let him watch Mickey Mouse and play with his books, while I fixed a vegetarian tofurky roast, heated up some gravy, and then the only thing I really put effort into making was the mashed potatoes. Oliver loved all of it. Then I fixed him half of an organic “cake in a cup.” He loved it too. Basically it was just him and I. My boyfriend stopped by and tried the mashed potatoes, but it wasn’t really an eat as a family type thing. It was pretty lonely. I talked to my dad on the phone, and he didn’t spend it with anyone either. I felt bad about that, because I didn’t know. I would have brought my food over and shared it with him. I’m going to go visit him during Christmas and cook for him.

I wish Nick was still here. 😞

[wonberzomdie]

[wonberzomdie]

So you sailed away,

Into a grey sky morning.

Now I’m here to stay,

Love can be so boring.

Nothing’s quite the same now,

I just say your name now.

But it’s not so bad,

You’re only the best I ever had,

I need you back,

You’re just the best I ever had.

[gameboyhotline2002]

[visual-poetry]

from the »honest stamps« series by dominic wilcox

[wonberzomdie]

I can’t remember a day since Nick passed that I haven’t been depressed. Like, I’m getting tired of it. I’m tired of feeling like this. I just want to wake up, and him be right next to me and our son. I feel like I’m waiting for that. Still. To just wake up. Like this is all just a dream, and god, I wish it was. I wish I was in a coma and this is just a really vivid dream and when I wake up, it had only been a few days, and my son and nick will be right beside me and things go back to normal. I’m so tired. Can you be tired in a dream? I just want to wake up.

I try to mask all this. Especially around my son.

Got a comment on my weight loss yesterday. After 2 weeks. I can fit into some of my old pants. Not my size 5s though.

I didn’t know how to react to the comment. Because I’m happy about it, but I’m not happy how I’m losing it. I need to get bloodwork done and have my potassium checked to be on the safe side. I keep procrastinating.

Christmas is coming up and I’m stressed. Last Christmas, was spent with nick and his family. So was thanksgiving. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

I’m such a pos.

Please wake me up.

[wonberzomdie]

122.

[wonberzomdie]

Current Mood: Ughhhhhhhhh😫

[wonberzomdie]

[heyskys]

[alisonzai]

[wonberzomdie]

This tastes the way play doh smells. I’m not kidding.

[wonberzomdie]

Nick drew this for me around 2011 while he was at work. It was when we first started dating. I plan on getting “INFINITE” tattooed between my wrist and thumb in his handwriting.