A couple days ago, I broke.
I literally cried for four hours. I was alone. I had been feeling sad and frustrated because of a class. And although this is nothing new, I spiraled. Whenever, this happens, I just think of all the other things wrong in my life. All the burdens that I have to deal with. I am grateful for the life that I have and although there are times when I wish I hadn’t been born, I keep moving forward. There’s no point in staying still when the rest keep moving.
When I was 11 years old I was diagnosed with JIA. At that point, I refused to really acknowledge it or tell anyone about it. I wanted to be a normal kid. I dreaded going to physical therapy because I didn’t want to seem incapable. Going to the doctors as a child, I was always offered these resources to help me deal with JIA, I took the minimum.
One that I really regret was not going to a camp designed for children with JIA. To this day, I don’t personally know anyone else who has JIA. I feel isolated and alone because I don’t have anyone I can connect to in that aspect. I realized that I need a community. I even discovered the term spoonie. That in it of itself was something so powerful for me. I helped me acknowledge that there are others going through similar struggles.
I struggle academically and socially as well. I feel unmotivated to work on these areas because of my JIA. I feel like I’m being held back because of it. I think of how much better, even if it was just a bit, I’d be if I didn’t have to deal with JIA.
But that’s just life I suppose
