Use Your Words Wisely

Spill...heal...repeat

[wordsfromwounds]

What’s underneath

For years I hid behind myself, an empty shell of the girl I used to be, before he did that to me. Underneath I knew there was still a fire but I had no desire to feed it. For years I wanted to die because I felt ruined inside and my mind, so many nights, wouldn’t let me sleep. I walked around tired, unsure what was real and praying that for just one day, I could feel. It was cold inside and even though I tried nothing I did could warm me up. And it took years for me to hear the voice, she said “it’s time” and just like that, I felt the flame and once again my life was mine. And when I realized who I was I started to uncover this gift of love I had to give. It flowed from me like snow melt rushes down a stream and it swept away all the sadness, all the grief. I gave it freely, I gave it because I knew it wasn’t meant for me to keep. This gift was mine but it was meant to be given away and I got to choose to who. And if I chose you, I chose wise because I knew this stream would eventually run dry. I knew I had to give it away to get it back someday, but as I sit here empty again, the tears fill my eyes, I wonder…when?

[wordsfromwounds]

Sometimes the lonely turns to lost...it’s like falling into a shallow hole. I can see beyond this grave but can’t seem to make my way out. Doubt fills my mind and I can decide if I’m supposed to try or just stay put? Maybe I was supposed to stay here so I could easily be found but he keeps walking by, head down...it’s his phone, I see it now. It’s in his hands and he can’t seem to hear me scream. Is he lost too? Did I miss it when he said he felt alone or was that my echo? Could we connect or are you attached to something else, you can’t seem to let go. It feels like it’s an escape, to distance yourself from me and then you say you’re lonely when you hear me say please pay attention to me. Can we just be what we used to be? Before you needed distraction from me, when you wanted to interact with me. Remember when you used to love me? Before you put your phone above me?

[wordsfromwounds]

Sometimes the lonely turns to lost...it’s like falling into a shallow hole. I can see beyond this grave but can’t seem to make my way out. Doubt fills my mind and I can decide if I’m supposed to try or just stay put? Maybe I was supposed to stay here so I could easily be found but he keeps walking by, head down...it’s his phone, I see it now. It’s in his hands and he can’t seem to hear me scream. Is he lost too? Did I miss it when he said he felt alone or was that my echo? Could we connect or are you attached to something else, you can’t seem to let go. It feels like it’s an escape, to distance yourself from me and then you say you’re lonely when you hear me say please pay attention to me. Can we just be what we used to be? Before you needed distraction from me, when you wanted to interact with me. Remember when you used to love me? Before you put your phone above me?

[wordsfromwounds]

Strength of a Woman

The depth of depression is overwhelming, it takes you under like the sea pulls against the shore and before you realize it becomes hard the breathe. You’re standing there with everything in your hands trying to understand what to let go of so you can keep going and nothing seems small enough. Suddenly it seems the answer is clear, that maybe if you weren’t here there wouldn’t be so much fear but the fleeting thought quickly fades as the image of her smiling face enters your mind, she is sunshine and she is why I’m alive. What would she do without her mom, taking her hand and walking her along this path that will challenge her too, it’s my job to carry a little bit of her burden and build her strong so she can carry more than I ever could. As heavy as it all seems, I’m reminded that she’s watching me and I can’t let go of anything...her life depends on my ability to overcome and teach her the strength of a woman.

[wordsfromwounds]

What’s underneath

For years I hid behind myself, an empty shell of the girl I used to be, before he did that to me. Underneath I knew there was still a fire but I had no desire to feed it. For years I wanted to die because I felt ruined inside and my mind, so many nights, wouldn’t let me sleep. I walked around tired, unsure what was real and praying that for just one day, I could feel. It was cold inside and even though I tried nothing I did could warm me up. And it took years for me to hear the voice, she said “it’s time” and just like that, I felt the flame and once again my life was mine. And when I realized who I was I started to uncover this gift of love I had to give. It flowed from me like snow melt rushes down a stream and it swept away all the sadness, all the grief. I gave it freely, I gave it because I knew it wasn’t meant for me to keep. This gift was mine but it was meant to be given away and I got to choose to who. And if I chose you, I chose wise because I knew this stream would eventually run dry. I knew I had to give it away to get it back someday, but as I sit here empty again, the tears fill my eyes, I wonder...when?

[wordsfromwounds]

Heart = broke

Just because you weren’t the one who dropped it, doesn’t mean you didn’t know. You can’t pretend you didn’t hear the crack in my voice when I said “I’ll let you go.” The crack, an echo of the sound coming from inside, my heart falling apart, that glue just won’t do. I know you didn’t mean to. You’ll say it wasn’t you. No. It was a million memories from the night I can’t forget. It was the love that wasn’t returned, it was his words that cut me deep. It was the shadows from headlights I hoped were coming to save me. It was the gun he placed so effortlessly, his way of making me stay. It was the paralyzing fear, that turned to hope that this was my end because how could I live? Was I supposed to pretend this never happened? I couldn’t even look at my own face, I prayed for grace but I didn’t know who I was praying to. It’s this moment, this horrible thing that happened to me. It didn’t just break it shattered, completely.

[wordsfromwounds]

Pain like this

This hurt, it’s deep. It’s to the bone, it’s through the bone. You can hear it when I speak. It weighs heavy on my mind, on my heart. When did this all fall apart? And was it me? Did I lose sight of what I was supposed to be? Was it the expectation? I let you take the reigns, for years I let you lead the way. I followed you because I wanted to. But now I have a choice to see, I know what’s out there for me. I’m more than you ever would have let me be. And now you’ll hold me back, still, because you want the upper hand, you want to control, I won’t give you more. I’m not stuck, I’m just at war.

[wordsfromwounds]

The Nature of Emotions

What if the earth and all of its natural wonders were created to mimic the experiences we have in life. To give us something to escape to, and also relate to. To offer a place of solace, and also a subtle reminder that life is natural, and as simple as nature. The ocean is comparable to love, shallow in some places and deep in others. The waves cautiously graze the sandy shores, and retreat to their depths like a new lover ready to say I love you, and also not sure that it’s the right time. The sand, rough but warm…like someone who wants to be loved, but is afraid of being hurt. The water, sometimes calm and sometimes raging. And a sunset, like the death of a loved one. A goodbye that brings the earth to complete darkness, the light of the moon like a glimmer of hope in the dark. The beauty of watching it go, the disappointment. The ache you feel, wishing you could rewind. The wind, like a secret exposed. Brushing past your ear, whispering softly but creating chaos, turning things upside down. Trees, like our life….some built with a strong foundation, standing tall. Some weak, some cut too soon, some diseased and still standing, some dying slowly. Some with broken limbs, some bare and exposed, some full of foliage, flourishing. The sun, like our burning desires, warming our bodies, but from a distance…not too close. Too much can be bad for you, so you limit what you allow, returning to the sun when you’re cold, and finding its warmth once again. The rain, like the tears we cry. Sometimes they cleanse our souls, the earth, sometimes they flood our lives. Sometimes they just keep flowing, seemingly unending. Sometimes they come when we are happy, when the sun is shining. Sometimes they come when skies are dark. Sometimes we get stuck in the rain, in the tears…and we seek shelter, a safe place. The stars in the sky, like wishes, silvery sprinkles of hope, reminding us that even in the dark we can find a source of light. Maybe what we feel is nothing more than nature, and maybe our experiences are more natural than we could ever comprehend.

[wordsfromwounds]

Unravel

What is pain? Emotional pain, not physical pain. The kind of pain that hurts inside. The kind of pain that you can’t ease. It isn’t going away. It’s not healing. Its presence is heavy and it buries you under a thick, dark fog. You breathe it in and out, it's stale. You want fresh air but you can’t seem to find a way to rise above it. What is pain? How do these emotions materialize into something you can physically feel? How? Every bit of you is holding on to what’s left but it’s like you’re holding a mess. A giant tangle of string that’s about to unravel, try so hard to keep it together but it’s too heavy to keep holding and all you want to do is set it free, let it come apart. Will that ease this pain? If I let the tears run down my face will I find I can breathe? Will the fresh air be found in sobs? Will the fog rise when I open my eyes? When I uncurl from this ball I’ve been in, under a blanket, trying to find shelter from reality, if I come out will it be different? Will it go away? Do I have to try? Can I please stay here, let me feel this. Let me feel this all the way through. I need to live this. I need this. Be quiet and just let me unravel.

[wordsfromwounds]

"I saw that my life was a vast glowing page and I could do anything I wanted."

Jack Kerouac

[wordsfromwounds]

Imagine if...

We just let go of the ropes...watched ourselves fall to the depths that looked dark, mysterious and somehow...inviting. The drop, you know, will bring your stomach into your throat but maybe then you'll feel alive again. The wind that whistles by your ear as you free fall will sing a song of freedom, pleasing, giving breath to all that was suffocated. To realize you were in control all along, that the ropes weren't bound to you but rather, you held on so tight. And to discover there's no bottom to the free fall, you thought you'd hit the rocks, sharp edges, if you let go. But instead you found no ground, but a foundation that catches you softly like falling up into a pillowy cloud. Maybe it slows your fall, maybe it brings you to a halt but you realize it's your choice now, it's so simple, this complicated life, as simple as just....letting....go....