The friend break up
I just had my first self-initiated friend break up.
It’s awkward because of course, I love this person dearly, I’ve spent so much time with them and truly care for their wellbeing. Still, the relationship had taken on a dynamic over the past few months that only seemed to be spiraling into darkness. Maybe worse, I feel like an asshole - like I should somehow be able to “tough out” a friendship with someone because of shared history; but that would be a premise for a dysfunctional relationship, wouldn’t it?
I have to admit, I didn’t handle it gracefully. My approach was attempt after attempt to jump off the phone, followed by a series of calls missed, until my eventual steep plummet into ghosting. I never addressed the problem directly, but how do you tell your best friend that you just can’t be there for them anymore when they refuse to be there for themselves?
At this time, I’m not sure that you can - because that person who doesn’t hear your suggestions of therapy, or living with purpose, or trying medication, probably isn’t ready to hear that they aren’t there for themselves. Even if they admit to their self-hatred, even if they make jokes about their sadness, I think the person who doesn’t even try to help themselves, probably can’t hear they have to from a friend yet. Then again, maybe I was scared to be that friend.
Personally, I’ve suffered two friend breakups in my life, and in both situations, I was the one who was left. During both instances, I felt a strong sense of injustice and rage toward the friend, as if they had abandoned me. Yet, looking back at both situations, I see that my friends were doing the best that they could with the resources they had at the time, and when they no longer were able to deal with my shit and my sadness, they had to go for their own mental health. In both instances, I came to respect them deeply for the strength they had to leave an important relationship that wasn’t healthy anymore.
And so, minor negativity and discomfort aside, I feel better. My theory is that whenever you feel a sense of peace after taking a risk, then you have made the right decision. I hope that in doing so, I’ve opened myself up to new friendships that are more aligned with my current self, and I also hope that, through my leaving, I’ve demonstrated the seriousness of the situation my friend is in.
Who knows what will come of it in the grand scheme of things? But that’s not my reason for writing; rather, I want to normalize the friend break up. It’s something I’ve heard so little of throughout the years, and yet, it does happen. Letting go of unhealthy relationships, at any degree of intimacy, is progress.
I hope you are well and I love you still.




















