i’m not that weak. he knew it was atsushi’s inferiority complex ( one of the many things they shared ), but he couldn’t help but read between the lines ( unnecessarily or not ). “ i’m not weak, either! i’ve gotten stronger! ” he shouted it but it felt more like a desperate plea of his heart. his hand quickly covered his mouth as the shouting triggered a series of coughs. he didn’t even check this time, just wiped his hand away as quickly as possible, then took his coat from where atsushi dropped it.
“ i’m not going to die. neither of us are. it’s just rain. ” the reassurance he told himself, as well as gin, as a child, when they had no shelter from the storm. all they could do was hope it would die down soon, but even when it cleared, there was the ever-present pollution and smell of waste and smoke. they could’ve died back then, even before they were attacked. he felt so weak, so small, so helpless. but he was older now, taller and stronger. and he still had to hide away until the storm cleared.
“ it’s not about being strong or weak this time, ” akutagawa whispered. he felt himself softening. that was bad. he didn’t want to show a softer side of himself to anyone, the only time he was even partially warm was towards gin, and that was when they were alone together, when they didn’t have a job. it was just … watching atsushi shiver like that – and normally he wouldn’t care, the weak would die to make the path for the strong – but it was different. he didn’t know – he didn’t want to know, it was just different. he held the coat back out to atsushi. maybe he would be more receptive if he didn’t force it onto him. “ you’re uncomfortable. my, uh … my frilly thing keeps my neck warm. so you can borrow this for now. just take it already, it won’t even be for that long.”
atsushi had not been trying to start a fight, but he should not have been surprised when akutagawa yelled at him. of course he would. he looked at him again, watching him cough and wipe away the blood again. the rain really must have made his condition worse. he could not understand why akutagawa was giving him his jacket instead. it made no sense. he was better off keeping it. he had a hard time believing it was coming from a good place.
when akutagawa held out his jacket again, atsushi opened his mouth to refuse once again, but paused when he heard his words. “your...what?” he gave him an incredulous look. was he trying to make a joke? no, akutagawa never did such a thing. but if that were the case, why did he say that? “you mean your cravat?” did he really not know what it was called? even though he had been wearing it this entire time?
reluctantly, he took the jacket and wrapped it around his shoulders once more. now he was a bit warmer. it was a wet jacket, but it would have to do for now. “are you really going to be okay?” with how much akutagawa was coughing, he had to wonder. he was a bit worried, even if he did not say so aloud. “you’re coughing up a lot of blood.”
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