All the Wrong Buttons
Twelfth Doctor/Reader
wordcount: 7,5 k words +
On Earth, you are a rising indie rock star. With him, you are a traveler, companion and an occasional hero. However, his recent regeneration has pulled you apart. Not because you would be superficial enough to let the change of looks change your feelings - but because he has refused to open up to you in a way he has before.
***
Basically I have rewatched Peter Capaldi´s era after ten years and it only made me realize what a briliant Doctor he was... oh, and did I mention he is also very hot? :D So I came up with this three parter. Chapter one - build up, chapter two - proper yearning, chapter three - very smutty dirty payoff. And you know the drill, english is not my first language. Oh and do I need to mention, that comments and kudos are my life support? Enjoy <3
Chapter 1: Pressed
Nothing you did could take him off your mind. He consumed you as a whole, even though it had been months since you had seen each other. It all ended suddenly. But not in a “ripping off bandaid” style.
You had met him when he was wearing the face of a young man. He was full of life, full of affection for you. It was very easy to fall for him. Slowly, over numerous adventures across time and space, you realized the affection was reciprocated. And then, quickly, the affection turned into love. But perhaps it had already been too late.
Before you two could act on your feelings, he regenerated. You knew what it meant, you had met his previous incarnations in your travels. You were prepared. He - however - was not.
After the regeneration, you really tried. Not to love him, that was easy. He wore the body of an older man, which - in your eyes - turned him from extremely handsome to absolutely irresistible. Where you failed was in getting closer to him. Gone were the hugs, the kisses, the hand holding. Gone were all verbal displays of affection. He respected you, but that was about it. You doubted he even wanted to keep on traveling with you. It tore you apart - because deep down, you knew he was not happy, you could see it written all over his face. On his strict, serious, insanely attractive face.
You were just about to give up and call it quits. Your earthly career as a musician was fulfilling enough, who needed to be hung up on a once almost romance with a bloody alien. That´s what you had been telling yourself to stay sane. Until one day.
four months ago - for you
“Well that was quite the speech you´ve just pulled, y/n,” said the Doctor as he was holding the TARDIS door for you.
“Well, I learned from the best, didn't I?” you chuckled, entering the blue box, following his silent orders. The door behind you shut.
“I am used to handing out speeches to aliens, rarely ever to humans, let alone those who absolutely don't deserve any attention whatsoever,” he replied, his face almost letting out a smile.
You reached the console, leaning on it, mindlessly playing with a button that changed the colour of the lighting.
“I don´t know,” you murmured, “it seemed proper, like the right thing to do.” With a slight smirk, you reflected on the eloquent way you told off a music producer who had spent the past ninety minutes constantly talking shit about another musician he represented. The Doctor was listening behind closed doors. You walked out of the office straight into his chest.
“It surely was,” he said, looking around at the constantly changing lights around the control room.
You had to keep playing with the button, otherwise your mind would have returned to the brief moment you'd just spent in his closeness. Though accidental, it was the first time after he regenerated that your bodies touched. His build, his scent, his everything. It was brief, yet all-consuming.
“Well, thanks for the distraction, where are we going?” you decided to change the topic. The colours still hadn't started repeating themselves. God knew how many settings this one button provided.
“That is up to you, y/n, what are you in a mood for?” you felt him slowly approaching you.
What a funny question, if he knew what you were actually in a mood for, he would probably drop you off at your apartment and leave. The console suddenly became even more intriguing. You pushed the button a couple more times.
“If you're gonna keep doing that-,” the lights started violently flickering, repeating colours.
“Yeah, sorry,” you chuckled as you took your hands off the desk, “I don´t know why I found it so fascinating.”
He was now standing closely behind you. “I think you and I both know that's not quite the truth.”
What. The. Hell. What the hell was he actually saying? You turned around, he stood hovering above you, merely inches away.
“Excuse me?” The lights kept flickering. He reached his hand around you. The lights stopped flickering. His face held a different expression, one you had not seen before. A question, lined with a smirk? It did not matter, you were absolutely lost. You were wrapped in his scent, his presence.
“Fixed it, you can keep playing,” he said, looking deep into your eyes. But this time, he didn´t walk away, further away from you, he stayed.
“No, thank you, wouldn´t want you to make any other assumptions about my choice of action.”
He leaned down, closer to you.
“I wasn´t assuming anything, my dear, I was just stating the obvious.” Your breath got caught in your throat. God, this man could tell you to sit and your body would obey him before your mind could comprehend what he had asked.
“Doctor, I…,” you couldn´t finish your sentence, because he put his other hand on the controlling desk behind you.
Well, fuck it then, you thought. You looked at his face, at his damn, gorgeous face, grabbed the hem of his shirt, and kissed him. The response was immediate - hungry, controlling, lustful.
You had kissed a couple of times before, in those brief moments you managed to steal in the period leading up to his regeneration. You used to grieve the fact you did not get to experience more. Until now. Because nothing could be better than this. If it was, you would regenerate yourself.
Your mouths crashed together hungrily. He parted your lips open with his tongue and immediately claimed you. His hands gripped your waist tightly. You moaned into the kiss, he let out a low growl. You were still holding onto his shirt, you were afraid that if you let go, he would disappear. Your bodies were pressed together almost desperately, his fingers were now exploring beneath your skirt. It was an absolute dream. Until he pulled away.
“No, no, no…,” he muttered, breaking the kiss. For a brief moment, he leaned his forehead onto yours. “No,” he repeated, then his hands left your body and he took a couple steps back.
You stood there, absolutely unable to move. He was not looking at you. “No?” you raised your eyebrows.
He said nothing.
“No?” this time, you also raised your voice.
He turned his gaze to you, his face lined with unfulfilled desire but also something much deeper, darker. And suddenly you understood what the darkness meant. It was self-resentment, self-hatred, stronger than any desire towards you. And it was not your job to fix that.
“You know what, Doctor? I cannot do this anymore, not at least until you figure this,” you pointed at yourself and then towards him, “out.”
And with those words, you walked out of the TARDIS, out of the life of the man you loved more than anything. He did not reach towards you, he did not utter a word. And before you turned around to look if the door of the blue box had opened, to look if he had changed his mind, you heard a squeaking sound, and he was gone. And you were left alone, in the offices of your recording studio, back where he picked you up not even thirty minutes ago.
Chapter 2: Suppressed
The TARDIS suddenly felt small to him. Claustrophobic even. The anger within him filled the endless space of the impossible box. As soon as he pulled the lever on the console, leaving you behind, this silent anger quickly turned into deafening rage.
His body needed you, his whole self needed you. And yet, his mind wouldn't allow him to have you. You fell for him when he looked youthful, and somehow it was easier to pretend that, with the regeneration, his feelings had changed than to face the fact that yours might have changed for real.
Kissing you felt… Well, he nearly lost all of the painfully gained control. But it also felt like he was taking advantage of you, cornering you at the control desk, not giving you any option but to act. It did not even cross his mind that you were waiting for this, that you craved this more than anything.
You made a good choice. It was better if he never saw you again. For both of you. Leaving you behind was the right thing to do.
That’s what he kept telling himself for the following months.
***
Given the circumstances, you were doing exceptionally well. The first week without the Doctor felt absolutely brutal, but you poured all of your feelings into songwriting. And apparently sad music with a touch of yearning sold like crazy.
It all started to happen very fast, and before you knew it, you had a UK tour on your hands. Which was absolutely amazing because being at home was the last place you wanted to be. You saw him everywhere.
Even though you had traveled to many places across time and space before, you two had also spent a lot of time in your apartment. Eating, talking, sometimes even sleeping. What was interesting was that when you looked around, you weren't seeking his previous incarnation, but the new one. The older, grumpier, more mature Doctor. The one who affected you more than he could ever know.
Images of him filled your dreams—he touched you everywhere you needed, told you all the right things. You often woke up with your heart beating fast and a slick wetness between your thighs. And now, these desires not only filled your mind, they also filled your music.
Little did you know that the Doctor was haunted by exactly the same dreams.
You put all of your energy into the tour. Nobody from your crew knew about the Doctor, but they picked up on some kind of heartbreak you must have gone through.
“He… he was confused. I think he still is. Maybe he is fighting some inner demons, but I don’t know, I don’t see them,” you opened up to your production assistant Jane one day.
“Y/N, it’s good that you left. I mean, it’s not exactly your job to wait around until some guy realizes what a catch you are,” she tried to comfort you.
“Some guy,” you chuckled. “Yeah, some guy.”
That was exactly what he was to you, just a snippet of your past who had no effect on your future. Except that wasn’t true.
“Well, if not some guy, then at least show me a photo so I can determine whether he is at least worth all this brooding,” Jane said.
“I don't have a photo,” you smiled slightly. And you weren't lying. Your phone was full of selfies with the previous Doctor, but none with the new one.
“But,” you continued, “he had this effect on me. I don't even know how to explain it. I guess you just have to listen to some of my new music.”
“Ha ha, very funny,” Jane replied. “It’s the only thing I have been doing for the last month of this tour. That is exactly why I wanted to know more about this mysterious man.”
“We don’t have any photos together. He is a bit older than me… and we didn't even have that sort of relationship. We didn't have any relationship actually,” you admitted.
Jane’s brows shot up. “No relationship and all of this came out of it? There must have been something there.”
“Yeah, something,” you murmured and lapsed into silence, playing with the long sleeves of your sweater.
“Well, I’m not gonna give you a hard time and interrogate you. Let’s get you ready for tonight.”
That’s why you and Jane became close friends - she understood when not to press for information. She respected and accepted you just as you were.
“Thank you,” you smiled and squeezed her hand.
***
Tonight's show was the last one of the tour - it took place in Cardiff. The performance went great, you sang your heart out, people cheered and sang along. Yes, you were really doing exceptionally well.
Not that it mattered though, because every evening, every show, you found yourself looking into the crowd, searching for that one face. And you never found it. Maybe that was why both fans and critics appreciated the rawness and intimacy of the shows. All of the emotions, every word you sang, you sang to him. Even though he was never there.
But tonight, in Cardiff, you spotted a familiar face in the crowd. Just not the one you sought. When your eyes locked, he raised his hand and waved at you with a smile. You smiled back.
Once the concert ended and you went back to your tour bus, Captain Jack Harkness was waiting for you.
“Well, well, well, Y/N, what a show that was!” he exclaimed.
The smile on your face turned into a grin. A genuine one. That was new.
“Thank you, Jack, what a surprise to see you,” you replied and went in for a hug.
He was an excellent hugger, tall and strong, making you feel safe. He grabbed you with both of his arms and spun you around.
“I would not miss this. I got the tickets as soon as the show got announced. Now just tell me, Y/N, how come you travel in this thing,” he pointed at the bus, “when you have the TARDIS available to your service.”
Your smile dropped and he noticed immediately.
You took a shaky breath. “We don’t see each other anymore.”
He looked surprised, shocked even. “Oh my, I am sorry. I really didn’t know.”
“Well, you had no chance of knowing. It’s okay.”
“Wanna talk about it?” he asked. “We can go to a bar, dinner, whatever you want.”
You were just about to say no and call it a day when you realized there was absolutely no reason or need to do that.
“You know what, yeah, I would actually love to talk about it,” you turned around to look for Jane. “I just have to tell my assistant. The bus is supposed to leave right after the crew packs up.”
You quickly found her, told her you were about to stay in Cardiff for the night, and asked her to book you a hotel room in the city.
She smiled knowingly and glanced at Jack. “That’s him?”
He sent her a wink.
“No,” you smiled. “He is a… mutual friend of ours.”
“Oh okay, no better revenge than getting with a friend of your ex, am I right?” she winked at you and gave you a quick hug.
***
You and Jack had met a long time ago. He had sent the Doctor a signal from the Torchwood Institute in Cardiff, asking for help with a particularly mysterious case. You found him very charming and ended up being quite helpful at the Institute.
The Doctor, who wore bowties and liked to joke around back then, agreed to the two of you staying for dinner, which turned into a party, which turned into a four-day trip around Cardiff.
“I cannot believe that he let you go,” Jack said as he chewed on a slice of pizza.
“Well, I left,” you replied and grabbed a piece of your own.
He put his food down.
You were sitting in a small cozy restaurant where nobody recognized you. Yeah, that was a thing you were dealing with nowadays.
“Well now I am even more confused. What on earth happened?”
“I… well, ugh,” you put your head in your hands. It was hard to phrase it out loud to a real person. You were used to writing it down onto sheet music with nobody around.
“Ugh?” he raised his brows and chuckled.
“Ugh is the word actually,” you murmured into your hands.
But then, with the help of a shared bottle of wine, you started to talk. And you told him everything.
You knew that Jack was familiar with the concept of regeneration. He made it clear he knew many different versions of the Doctor. That’s why it surprised him even more that he had changed so much.
“Y/N, wow, I am confused. Every version of him I’ve met has been a little different, but not in a whole new person kind of way.”
“Yep,” you nodded. “So he acts like he can barely tolerate my presence, and then one day, a couple of months ago, he corners me at the TARDIS control desk and makes out with me.”
“No way,” Jack covered his mouth, looking way too invested in the story.
“Only to abruptly end the kiss with—and now I am literally quoting him—‘no, no, no.’”
“Genuinely, what the fuck, Y/N?”
“Right. And then I told him something along the lines of not having time for this, and I left. I haven’t heard from him since.”
“Jeezus,” Jack took his wine glass and finished the drink, gesturing to the server to bring one more bottle.
“Jack, and the thing is, I know that he wants me, loves me, needs me. You don’t touch someone like that if you don’t feel that way. I know he is suppressing those emotions. And I even think that I know why, but just… ugh,” you groaned. “I guess I wasn’t ready to deal with it, so I just left.”
“And you,” he asked, “how do you feel?”
You laughed out loud. “I mean, isn’t it obvious? Have you heard the show?”
“So the new look, the regeneration, that is not an obstacle for you?”
Damn, he was asking all the right questions.
“Actually, it only made me crave him more,” you admitted. “That’s why it killed me so much to be near him. He would not act on it, it was like he was punishing himself for something. But of course, the realizations came to me only after I left. At the time, it just felt like he lost all interest in me. Or you know what, maybe I am totally delusional, and I am just telling all of this to myself to stay sane. Who knows.”
Jack moved closer to you in the booth and put his arm around you, wrapping you closer to him.
“And the immortality thing, don’t you think that might be the issue?”
You looked into his eyes, at his face. Young, but lined with eons of experience.
“I didn’t wanna tell you, Jack, because I know how difficult it is for you, the constant dying and being brought back.”
He stiffened, all of the cheekiness caused by the rosé gone.
“What?”
“When he regenerated, he accidentally hit me with the energy stream. Then we landed at Vastra’s and Jenny’s, and they confirmed my theory - the power slowed my aging process tremendously. And I know he knew that. And maybe that's a part of his guilt. But it made me even more confused why he refused to be together after that. Literally not even my mortal, human age was stopping us.”
This was the first time you had told anyone. Not that there was anyone to tell really. You would probably outlive your parents anyway, and most of your friends already had unnaturally long life spans. It was not something you allowed yourself to worry about, not now - you had plenty of time ahead of you for that.
“Damn, Y/N, welcome to the club.”
And with that, the night continued. Two bottles of wine turned into three, conversation became less serious, and for the first time in those long four months, you felt like you didn’t need sheet music to process your emotions.
***
The same could not be said about the Doctor. He threw himself into adventures, purposefully seeking danger, and nothing, absolutely nothing he did could take you off his mind.
You went back to your old life; he would go back to his. Or at least, that was the plan. He had been able to do it with so many previous companions, so it shouldn’t have been a problem.
Except you were not an ordinary companion. You were his soulmate. And you left. And with you, a piece of him left as well.
He understood why you did it. It must have been extremely frustrating to be around his broody new self.
“I am sorry, Y/N,” he spoke into the emptiness of the TARDIS. “Sorry I changed.”
And he was. The anger, the blinding rage he felt, it was all underlined with a deep sorrow and regret. He regretted that he hadn’t managed to get closer to you back then, when he was somebody else.
It was a strange feeling, regenerating into a new version of yourself. He didn’t hate his new look, he was afraid you did. So he kept his distance, and so had you.
That moment at the control desk, he briefly lost all of his strict composure. When you walked into his chest, the sudden closeness completely filled his mind. For a while, there was nothing in his mind but you.
He saw how anxious and jumpy you were. Playing with those damn buttons at the control desk. Deep, primal desire pulled him towards you. Your scent, your entire presence, it was suddenly all that controlled him.
“I wasn’t assuming anything, my dear, I was just stating the obvious,” he said.
He didn't even know where the sudden reassurance came from. But right then and there, he felt it. He felt that the pull between the two of you was real. And that you needed him as much as he needed you.
It was you who kissed him first. Dragging him by his collar towards you, desperately holding him close. He could barely hold himself back from going further. God, it was painful to stop. But he did it anyway. Apparently, he was into self-torture these days.
And then, before he could explain anything, before he managed to utter a word, you were gone.
***
He saw all of your shows. His hearts were beaming with both pride and overwhelming sadness. All he wanted was to pick you up after each concert, bring you to the TARDIS, and make love to you until the next one.
He noticed you scanning the crowd each night, searching for somebody. But he never showed his face, he never wanted to interfere.
The music filling the sold-out clubs was addictive, full of desire, love, and sorrow. It was beautiful and, at the same time, absolutely damning.
From the songs, it was apparent that you still had feelings for him. He wasn’t delusional enough to think you would find somebody else this quickly. Somebody you would feel this strongly about.
So, he came up with a plan.
At the last stop of the tour, in Cardiff, after the final concert, he would show himself and face whatever lay ahead for the two of you.
But the universe itself wasn’t having it, probably punishing him for his hesitation, because the handsome Captain Jack Harkness managed to scoop you up before him.
***
Jack escorted you to your hotel and promised he would be there tomorrow morning to pick you up. He was really adamant about showing you some improvements at Torchwood.
“Gwen is an excellent cook and we have a brand new kitchen as well. I’ll beg her to make lunch,” he beamed with joy.
“Well, it’s not like anyone can say no to you, can they?” you laughed as you hugged him goodnight.
***
Torchwood was quite different from how you remembered it. Gone were the greyish, dark colours of the interior. The equipment looked new and polished.
“You guys did a lot of work here,” you noted. “I really like the place.”
“Yeah, the kitchen is the best thing to come out of the renovations,” Gwen Cooper said as she turned around from the stove. The room was already filled with a delicious smell.
“But only because you cook in it,” Jack winked at her.
You all laughed.
You were so thankful Jack showed up at the concert and asked you to stay. It was exactly what you needed. A little reminder of your old life without the need to resolve anything in order to enjoy it.
It would be superficial to say the Doctor stopped haunting you. Quite the opposite. The wine-infused dreams were much more vivid; you were actually glad when you woke up.
It was also quite strange to be standing inside Torchwood, next to all those brave professionals, without him. You were a little worried you would feel out of place, that the conversation would stall, but they made you feel exactly the opposite. Included, welcomed, and a little bit special.
“I’ve been to your show in London,” Gwen admitted as she served you a plate full of soup.
“Oh my, have you? Why didn’t you reach out?”
“Well, I didn’t want to bother you. You seemed quite busy,” she chuckled, sitting down next to you.
“None of you could ever bother me. Just because I am not with him anymore doesn’t mean I cannot see you.”
Both Gwen and Jack gave you warm smiles. Jack patted your shoulder.
“Of course,” he said.
The “not with him anymore” realization hit you hard. It brought you relief and sadness at the same time. Nowhere in the near future would it bring you acceptance though. You still had a long way to go. You just refused to let the Doctor control your entire life.
“It was absolutely delicious, thank you so much, Gwen.”
You tried to help with the dishes but were stopped immediately.
The lunch turned into a coffee break, the conversation flowing carelessly. It was a really wholesome afternoon.
Until you heard a sound.
A typical, squeaky sound you had not heard in over four months.
Your eyes widened with surprise and locked with Jack’s.
“It doesn’t mean it’s him, it could be any version of him,” you murmured quietly, not quite believing what was happening.
All of you rose from the table and followed the sound into the hallway.
And there it was. Your TARDIS.
You would have recognized it anywhere.
The door started to open, and before it fully did, you knew it would be him. Your Doctor.He was wearing a velvet jacket, looking absolutely mesmerizing. His face held a tight, unsure expression.He looked you deep in the eyes and turned towards Jack.
“Me and Y/N need to discuss something.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you do,” Jack replied with a smirk.
The Doctor was now facing you.
“Will you come inside with me, please?”
You couldn’t find any words, so you just followed him inside the blue box. He held the door open for you.
Just walking by him was intoxicating. You had to keep your hands tightly in your pockets in order not to touch him right then and there.
And with that, with no words uttered, the TARDIS door closed behind you, and you were left alone with the Doctor.
Chapter three: Released
As soon as the door shut behind you, you crashed straight into his chest. But this time, you did not have it in you to pull away. The intoxicating scent, his tall figure hovering over you, it was all too much, and at the same time, nowhere near enough.
You looked up at him. He wasn’t moving either; you could feel his breath on your face. Neither of you spoke. The tension in the air was palpable, refusing to let either of you act or say anything.
You both moved at the same time.
He grabbed you tightly by the neck and kissed you deeply. It was hungry, needy, almost desperate. The way he pressed you against the TARDIS door made you weak in the knees. You could feel his hands everywhere, roaming across your body, anxiously gripping every part of you they reached.
You tangled your hands in his hair and pulled. He groaned into your mouth, and you moaned in return. His knee separated your thighs and pressed exactly where you needed him most. You held onto his shoulders tightly as you bit down on his lower lip.
Your stomach dropped when you felt him pulling away from the kiss. His eyes were dark with desire, his breath uneven. There was no way in the universe you were going to let him stop this time.
“Don’t you dare, Doctor,” you said in a low voice.
“If you want me to stop, you need to tell me now, Y/N,” he whispered against your lips, “because I’m not going to be able to stop if we continue this.”
This couldn’t be real. How could it even cross his mind that you would ever want him to stop?
You grabbed his face with both hands.
“If you stop, I’m going to walk away for good.”
He let out a breath he had apparently been holding and leaned back into the kiss. His movements became more frantic, as if he didn’t know where to touch you first.
There was a sofa in one of the corners of the control room. Too small to sleep on comfortably, but big enough for what was about to happen.
His hands moved from your waist to your thighs, and with one swift movement, he lifted you up.
You wrapped your legs around his waist almost instinctively. He broke the kiss this time, but only to make sure he carried you safely to the couch. The moment your back hit the soft cushions, he was all over you again.
The weight of him on you, the way he moved, the way he smelled - you needed him closer.
You reached for the buttons of his shirt, quickly revealing his bare chest. You needed to feel his skin almost desperately. His hand slipped beneath your dress, tugging at your tights.
You were a wet mess already, and he must have known you were about to burst if he didn’t touch you right then and there. His hand slid between your thighs as he kissed you again.
Dear God, he knew exactly where to touch you.
“Doctor,” you whimpered as you gripped his bare shoulders tightly.
“Y/N,” he groaned in return.
He tore your dress off while you unbuttoned his trousers. His hardness pressed against your side now. He continued moving his fingers inside you, but that simply wasn’t enough anymore.
You reached for him and stroked his length. The sound he made alone nearly pushed you over the edge.
“God, Y/N,” he breathed into your ear.
“Doctor, I need you, like, right now.”
You were done waiting. Apparently, so was he.
Without another word, he pushed down the rest of his clothes while you pulled off yours. Breaking the kisses long enough to undress felt endless, every return to them became more frantic, more desperate, as if both of you feared the other might vanish into the thin air.
Then, finally, he settled on top of you and, holding your gaze, slowly slid into you.
Your moans echoed through the TARDIS.
The intensity of the moment completely overtook both of you. You bit down on his neck.
“Please, Doctor.”
And with that, he started to move.
His thrusts were deep and hard, hitting exactly where you needed him most.
“Fuck, Y/N,” he groaned against your collarbone.
You were no longer responsible for the sounds leaving your mouth or for the absolute mess you were probably making of the sofa. All you could focus on was the release building low in your abdomen.
You wrapped your legs around him and pulled him deeper. He cursed in a way you had never heard before.
“Doctor, I’m about to—”
Your words were cut off by the sudden increase in his pace. Whatever you had been about to say no longer mattered.
Soon, both of you were nothing but hot, breathless, moaning messes. The tension that had been building between you for months finally found its release.
He came with your name on his lips, and you came crying out his.
It took a while for either of you to come back to reality, so you simply laid there, still connected, waiting for your breathing and heartbeats to calm.
“Wow,” you breathed once you finally came back into your body.
He didn’t say anything as he pulled out of you and quickly put his trousers back on. You didn’t quite know what to make of that. Your mind was still hazy.
You pulled the blanket folded at the end of the sofa over yourself.
“Yeah, Y/N,” he finally said, staring toward the center console. “Wow is exactly how I would put it.”
You reached for his hand, gently threading your fingers through his. He didn’t pull away.
“I’ve never experienced anything like this,” you murmured.
A small smile lifted the corners of his mouth.
“Neither have I,” he replied quietly.
You sat up beside him.
“We need to talk, though.” You looked at him. “Like… a lot.”
He placed a hand on your thigh and squeezed softly.
“Yes, my darling. We do.”
***
You quickly peeked out of this Tardis, wanting to say your goodbyes and thank you to Jack and Gwen. It dawned on to you pretty quickly, that what had just happened between you and the Doctor happened quite close to them. You just hoped your red face and messy hair wouldn´t give you away.
Jack looked at you and immediately burst into laughter, you put your hand over your eyes, unable to look at him.
“So, yeah, thank you for your hospitality, but we really need to discuss something important,” you mumbled shyly, trying to ignore the mortifying sense of embarrassment.
“Absolutely understood,” Jack said. “Say hi from me to the old man, I would like to meet him some day after the two of you…, sorted that important thing
“Thank you, really,” you gave him a nod and a genuine smile. Hugging him felt a tiny bit inappropriate given the fact, where your hands had been a couple of minutes ago.
You turned back into the blue box. The Doctor stood at the controlling panel. You didn´t know this look on his face. He suddenly seemed so much younger, like at least a part of his inner battle ceased.
You walked closer to him, he met you in a tight hug, wrapping his hands around your waist protectively.
“The talking is going to be the harder part of this,” he murmured into your hair. You chuckled and raised your head to meet his eyes.
“Let´s go to my place,” you suggested. The last confrontation in the Tardis didn't go quite well. Your apartment however, didn't hold any bad memories of the two of you. It was your safe space, it could be his too.
“I´d be more than happy to,” the Doctor smiled. It was beautiful, seeing him with a genuine expression of happiness on his face. He reached for the lever on the console with one hand, the other still holding you tightly. You smiled as well.
***
“Well if you liked me so much from the start, why were you so distant?”
Oh, that was rich, coming from him. “Doctor, you were the one who kept your distance, I mean, I felt like you barely tolerated me. And I am not going to walk around and beg for your attention.”
The confrontation was going…, probably as well as it could, considering the months of bottled up frustration with each other. And now, with the physical demand of the frustration sorted, the ugly parts were ready to swim up to the surface.
“Y/N, I regenerated and I changed you, I made you near-immortal and suddenly looked twenty years older, I obviously assumed you wouldn't want to have anything to do with me.” The Doctor was pacing across your living room. You were sitting on a sofa, clutching onto a glass of water.
“Well why didn't you talk to me about it then, Doctor?”
“About which part, specifically,” stopped the pacing to look at you. “About me accidentally changing your life forever or about the fact I started to look like the father of the man you fell for?”
“And how would you know, I fell for the previous version of you?” you raised your brows playfully. He looked a bit baffled. “Well, I just, I…, we kissed before, we had these moments, so I just assumed,” the Doctor started to ramble.
You rose from the couch and walked over to him.
“Of course I fell for the previous version of you, it was impossible not to.” You raised your hand to stroke his cheek. “But this face, this version of you…, I don't know, it´s intoxicating. I couldn´t - and I still cannot stop thinking about you,” your hand slid from his face to his chest. “Even in my dreams, I see only you, this you.”
Now it was you who started pacing across the room.
“If you only knew, Doctor, how many dreams, how many nights I woke up, wishing, I had been woken up by you, by your touch. You literally haunt me every night. Touching me and then torturing me, when I wake and I find that I am alone.”
He looked genuinely surprised. “I mean,” you continued. “I absolutely do not understand how you can be surprised. I mean, what we just did, in the Tardis, it felt…ugh, it felt otherworldly, I don't know how to say otherwise. I´ve never had that with anyone before you.”
“I´ve never had that with anyone either,” he said in a low voice. “And I am a little bit older than you.”
He closed the distance between the two of you across the room and kissed you again. The desire within you began burning once more. Your mouths clashed hungrily, his hands holding your face.
“I never thought I could have this,” he said, pressing his forehead against yours. “Never, never,” he repeated quietly.
“In the Tardis, those months ago, when I stopped kissing you,” he started talking as he pulled you into a hug. “It wasn't because I wanted to. Gosh, it was painful to pull away from you.”
You caressed his back, pressing your face into his chest. “I know,” you whispered.
“It was because I thought you felt obligated to do it, and I felt guilty. Not only because of the change of my looks, but also because I changed you.”
“Never feel guilty about either of those things, Doctor,” you spoke calmly. “The regeneration part, I think we´ve established that I really like the new look.” You pulled away from the hug to look at him. “And the slowed aging part, that was a gift.”
“Y/N, I don't think you-,"
“It is a gift of getting to spend that lifetime with you,” you didn't let him finish. And suddenly he was kissing you again, his face wet with tears. So was yours. You held each other in a tight embrace.
“When we kissed back then, you didn't think I was into it?” you asked after a while.
“I don´t know what I thought anymore, Y/N, but it was probably incredibly stupid.”
You laughed out loud. "It's just what you felt at the time, Doctor. And I am sorry,” you added.
“Whatever for, my darling?”
“For leaving you, I shouldn't have done that. I should have stayed and at least tried to talk it out with you.”
“Well,” he said, a smirk on his face. “If you hadn't, you wouldn't have written so much great music, would you?”
Now you were the one who was surprised. “You´ve heard the new album?”
He pulled you by your waist even closer to him. He slowly leaned to your ear. “I´ve been to every stop of the tour.”
You couldn´t help but laugh.
“I´ve been looking for you in the crowd every night.”
“Hm,” the way his hands started to roam around your body changed from comforting to seductive. “In that confession of yours, I also heard that you dreamt about me every night.”
You blushed slightly. “Well, you heard that right.”
“Would you be so kind and give me a bit more detailed explanation?”
And you did. Whispering those scandalous scenarios which followed you every night into his ear. You could feel the goosebumps on his neck. The air between you suddenly felt heavier with an aching need. You pressed a kiss to the exposed skin, then his jaw and then, finally, his lips.
The kiss started slowly, intimately, before turning into a desperate mess. The sounds coming out his mouth, the growling, it made the desire curled up in your stomach that more unbearable.
If you had the mental capacity to think about it, you would wonder, how was it possible for you two to burn for each other this much, when you had slept together only a couple of hours ago. But you didn't have that mental capacity, because the entirety of you was filled with him.
His one hand was tangled in your long, messy hair, the other was squeezing your thigh. He held you as if restraint suddenly became impossible.
“Let´s go upstairs,” you breathed into the kiss. He scooped you up into his arms effortlessly and carried you to your bedroom. You have slept here together before, but never anything more than that.
He always liked the room, appreciated your sense for home decor, it made the place feel warm and welcoming. Like a home.
Today, he paid absolutely zero attention to the decor. All he could focus on was you. Your soft, pale skin, your long shiny hair, and that scent… oh gosh that scent of yours. It not only filled his nostrils, it filled his whole self. He took a deep breath, his face buried in the crook of your neck.
You moaned gently in return. The neck was your sensitive spot and the Doctor seemed to have noticed that.
“This time,” he said, kissing down to your chest, swiftly unbuttoning your dress. “I will make sure to attend to every part of you.”
“Please, do.”
His fingers finished with the last button and in no time, your dress was on the floor next to your bed. Soon, so was the rest of your clothes.
His naked body, pressed into yours, those moments before he finally entered you, you have never felt such a primal need for anyone. It was both overwhelming and exciting. And when he finally started to slide into you, inch by inch, holding both of your hands in his behind your head, you actually saw stars.
This time, he moved slower, as if he savoured every thrust, every moan that escaped your lips when he hit just the right spot.
“Oh, y/n,” he groaned into your lips. “I am going to take all night,” he continued moving his pelvis. “And once the sun rises up,” he thrusted again, “I will be the only man for you, forever, do you understand?”
His words almost sent you over the edge, but before that happened, you managed to moan out “You already are.”
And with that, gone was the slow, sensual pace. He grabbed you even tighter, you wrapped your legs around him to pull him even closer to you. The sounds of the ultimate pleasure echoed through your apartment. You´ve felt the warmth in your abdomen building up and soon, you found your release, desperately holding onto him, biting down on his neck. He spilled himself into you immediately after that, with a groan and your name on his lips.
It didn't take the two of you very long to recompose yourselves. Only this time, there was no rush, nowhere to be. And the Doctor seemed to be aware of that. He began moving again, while he was still inside of you. Flipping you over, so you were sitting on top of him. You were a hot mess, moaning, fully in your body, not letting any thought distract you from the pure bliss this man was giving you.
“Oh my darling, I am to give you absolutely everything tonight,” he groaned, as he held your hips tightly.
And so he did.
The rest of the night was a blur to you, an amazing, blissful blur filled with so many orgasms you lost count. You had no idea how it was possible that neither of you felt the need to eat, drink or do anything humanly. All you needed to survive was each other.
And when you finally parted, by the time the sun rose up, you just laid there, holding each other, both your limbs and souls intertwined into one.
***
You fell asleep with the sunrise, and when you woke up, the Doctor was still peacefully sleeping next to you. Gosh, he looked so young, so innocent, and all this time, he had no idea.
It made your heart ache, to realize how much self hatred this man had to carry around. And then and there, you´ve decided to make it your responsibility, he never felt that way again.
You got out of the bed around midday, whipping up a couple of pancakes for a very late brunch. Your heart beat with excitement, as you heard him walking down the stairs towards you.
“Well that smells just amazing,” he wrapped his hands around you from the back, pressing a kiss to your exposed neck.
“Hmmm, that feels amazing,” you responded playfully.
And before you knew it, you were scooped up again, this time being sat down at the kitchen counter. And with the same passion, as if the previous night hadn´t happened, you made love again.
A couple minutes later you finally sat down on your sofa to eat those sad, cold pancakes. Neither of you minded that though. You were both beaming with joy. And not just figuratively, but literally. Gone were the dark circles under your eyes, gone were the wrinkles around the eyebrows. There was only a smile and peace now. It was beautiful, and it would take time to get used to.
“This is going to be your forever now, darling,” he said, finishing his plate, putting it down on the small table in front of you.
“Well, that doesn't seem like such a tragic fate afterall.”
“No, it really doesn´t, does it,” he smiled as he pulled you closer to him.
Four months ago, if you had known that you would be lying on your couch, cuddled up next to the Doctor after a night full of… well, after a night full of everything, you would have written your songs even sadder, because you would have known what you had almost lost.
“Thank you, Doctor,” you said as you looked deep into his eyes. “For coming back to me.”
“As if I was ever going to be able to leave you, y/n.”
And with that, he wrapped his hands around you a little tighter, holding you a little closer. You smiled for yourself, excited for what adventures life held for you. All you hoped for was that your fans wouldn't mind the shift of the genre, because there was absolutely nothing left to write sad songs about.
-the end-
