I always thought Tumblr was kind of my safe space, mostly because hardly anyone I know off line knows I have this account. It’s just a place for me to hang out and be myself, and its been a nice haven for all things quirky and strange.
For the most part, I try to keep this account light, occasionally dealing with things that require a bit more thought and emotion. Anyone who’s ever read my writing will see that reflected in my stories.
So I guess it would be inevitable that at some point, I’ll write something a lot more vulnerable, like today.
I’ve been wondering about divorcing my husband. We’ve been married for 21 years and I wish I had the courage to divorce him. He is a borderline narcissist and there are things about him that makes me so unhappy. The very thought that I’d be free of him makes me grin, but the notion that I would have to split my kids’ time because he’ll have them some days makes me cry.
I’ve tried to have so many conversations with him about what makes me unhappy, but he claims to be a simple guy, and that he doesn’t think too deeply about these things. He is not open to marriage counseling. Which just leads me to think that there is nothing I can do to change my situation, and that there really is no recourse except to divorce.
There would be days that everything seems alright, that everything is fine, but then it’s always just a build up to his annoyance, his outbursts, and his relentlessly “honest” opinion.
At the end of the day, I can’t tell if it’s me or him, so I just think that we are incompatible in many ways. He doesn’t seem to think there’s anything wrong. Or if he does, he is willing to shrug it off, because honestly, he is the stronger personality in this marriage.
I’ve heard people say that it is men who need to be married and that women, by themselves, thrive. Honestly, if I ever manage to divorce him, the thought of being with another man grosses me the fuck out.
I can’t deal with the separation from the kids, and I don’t trust him enough to think that he’d be amicable in a divorce. He would let a lawyer convince him not to give me a single inch.
This is the first time I’ve said it out loud, outside of our sometimes very loud fights. It’s exhausting.
I don’t know if I’ll ever do it, but I just needed to say this, somehow. Maybe I just need to talk about it, so that I don’t feel so alone.
I appreciate you reading.
