a few bits here and there. @writingfhtagn - Tumblr Blog

my mom got me this little thing and im obsessed with him.... little creature..

I have been thinking. about the creature

When I was younger, I thoughtlessly stumbled into a position that resembles leadership in the way microcelebrity resembles celebrity. A sort of boneless, homeopathic leadership where people took my opinions way too seriously because I was loud and angry, but my ability to muster resources to change anything about my community for the better was marginal at best. I think a lot of people get set up to fail in exactly this way, stumbling into whatever kind of queerness as an opinionated and passionate person, and as a rule they either discover a vampiric cunning in themselves and become cult leaders or small-time grifters or they make enough of the sorts of mistakes that everyday humans make constantly to sign their own death warrant. The old microleaders who don't graduate to a bigger pond get thrown out, cut off, reduced to abjection and the general social status of an angry ghost. Then there's a crop of new microleaders, behaving the same way, espousing things that might be the same or wildly different but in the exact same dogmatic, inflexible ways. The cycle tends to continue, fruitlessly and aimlessly, discharging its strength helplessly into the air. The community flails in a million directions towards theory but takes on an iron logic in praxis: amplify the loudest voices in the room, and if they step out of line and don't have the angry, loyal cult to back it up (which tends to happen mostly for well-off white people, but never mind that) kill them. Churn, churn, churn, learn nothing, trust no one.

I regret a lot of things, but mostly these days I regret not having had peace and quiet to grow in whatever strange and atypical directions I needed to grow. I regret having been in the limelight so early, so compulsively seeking it, so thoughtlessly allowing it to describe me. It felt like the only way to be safe was to look for people who understood me. Now I think I am over the delusional notion that any human being can understand any other.