Had to put this somewhere
Cant throw this onto my normal social medias, so I choose to put it here, where my true identity largely remains anonymous. I just need to get this out. Iâm so sick of living my life. My daughter and best friend are living in another state, my boyfriend comes home, eats, and games all night. I get no attention from him and quite frankly iâm love starved. My depression and mental disorders are getting harder to deal with on the daily and iâm just so sick of feeling this way. There are things that make my happy but only for a short while. The pain always comes back. And the friends I have here are all pitted against each other in some sort of custody battle? Like one of them hates the entirety of the rest of the group but wont admit it so when they all end up hanging out together I hear this and that about how uncomfortable they were the whole time and I literally cant do anything because if I say anything about it it just brings up a whole bunch of extra drama. Iâm just so done with trying to muddle through this sorry excuse for a life. I miss being happy on a normal basis. Every time I realize that the feeling i feel is happiness It just makes me want to cry because I know it wonât last long and soon enough the depression will kick in again. I know there are good things in life, iâve experienced them. I love life, I love the beauty of nature, I absolutely adore animals, people are sometimes awesome. And the variety of color this world contains is absolutely magnificent. I love color the most I think. I try to go on as if nothing is wrong and that iâm the happy go lucky person Iâve always been but in reality, my mental state is in shambles. And at the end of the night when Iâve run out of distractions, I canât keep the fear and sadness and pain at bay. And iâm so tired of it. Iâm so goddamned tired. I just want an escape from this. The stress, the pain, the fear, the hurt, Iâm in a hole and I donât see the sky at the top. And I miss it. I miss the days driving down a two lane backroad in my 1990 Manual Ford Ranger and feeling ever bump and shudder and listening to her struggle to make it up a damn hill but that stereo was blasting and my windows were rolled down and my toolbox was clanking in the back and I was happy. I donât even ride my motorcycle anymore. I have no drive. I just fucking hate myself for being this way and feeling this way and I know that itâs not my fault but I constantly feel like it is and that iâm a failure. I donât even want help at this point. Iâm beyond that. I just want out. And iâm trying so hard not to fall deeper into the hole, I keep praying that Iâll see the sun but it never comes. And iâm just so sad and tired and angry and everything negative. Thatâs not me. I hate who I am. I used to be a happy laid back chill person and now iâve turned into the person I never and always tried not to be. And It just keeps getting worse.Â
