When the sparks had started, he kept his expression smooth and calm. Never before had he seen an alternate of Sonic do something like that before, but…if he was about to be harmed, he seemed more than ready for it. Expecting it even.
So when nothing happened…he felt at a loss. And the emptiness in his eyes spoke volumes as well.
But when Xavier began to speak, confusion was the first emotion to flit through his deadened orbs, and then denial. “You think that’s all I’ve done? Xavier, I abused my younger brother… I turned into my fuckin’ father!” And there was the anger, the vitriol again. The self-hatred.
The tears that he had just barely been holding back were growing in volume, one spilling down the side of his face as he jerked his gaze away from the other speedster. “I used ta beat him…the same way my pa did me. I used ta starve him. I was no better than my dad. An’ then somethin’ changed. Ray looked at me with such adoration…with trust, an’ the utmost loyalty, an’ I realized how much I’d fucked up…”
Because he had started to care for the kid then.
And he couldn’t afford that emotion back then. He had been a mere kid himself when he’d adopted the squirrel. And only in recent years had he actually started to mature mentally enough to realize just how horrible of a guardian he’d been.
“I sent my lackeys after him… My kid brother. Ta kill him. Cause…I couldn’t do it myself. Fer years, I thought he was dead. I had no idea he had survived…not until I broke outta prison seven years ago.”
But even then, he’d treated him horribly. All the way up until the point his brother had nearly killed him.
It almost seemed as if he were trying to find some excuse, any excuse for Xavier to turn that ire on him. To reject him, to lash out.
“I’m not a good man, Xavier. I never was. I used to enjoy bringin’ pain an’ sufferin’ ta others. Xavier, I was a King! I forced others ta bow ta me, ta obey me, lest I sick my goons on em. A tyrant. I ruled with cruelty an’ let the anger of my past dictate my every action. I still do!” He tried to reign it in now, at least a little, but most of his actions were fueled by bitterness and resentment from the past he had suffered. From his father, from the frigid streets, and then the betrayal of his ex when he’d been sent to prison and abandoned by his supposed ‘team’.
“There’s nothin’ good about me… How could she…How could she ever be proud of a son that’s done such terrible things? How can you just excuse it?” His shoulders were beginning to quiver and tremble, the hedgehog sinking a fang into his lower lip and drawing blood as he attempted to literally bite back the sob that had fought to escape. Blood that dripped down into the snow and stained it.
“I tried to kill a kid. Someone that looked up ta me. I was selfish. I saw Ray as a weakness an’ tried ta rid myself of him.” And even though his brother had survived, Char would never be able to forgive himself for what he’d tried to have done.
Even though Ray had already forgiven him himself.
“Every day that I see my reflection…I see his eyes starin’ back. The eyes of my father. An’ I’m reminded that I can be just like him. All it takes…is one bad day, an’ everythin’ could come crashin’ down. I don’t wanna hurt anyone anymore. But I’m fuckin’ scared that I will…”
It’s like what Xavier just said went in one ear and out the other. The outburst startled the anxious hedgehog aback as his back end tipped into the snow.
Xavier was silent throughout his whole speech, taking everything in as Char spoke those harsh words. Again, small bundles of doubt kept creeping into his thoughts as Char tried to convince him, but it was no use. No matter what Char’s said or done before, it was different than how he is now. Or at least, so he hopes. Xavier might not be people smart, but he ain’t stupid. Like before, he’s trying to scare him away, not cause Char hates him or anything, but cause he cares. Whether it be to keep him safe from the cops, or from his own hands.
To be honest, it was hard not to get angry, knowing someone you care for deeply talking about himself so harshly in order to push you away. It was maddening. Sparks once again tried to ignite around his quills, but the hedgehog tried to tame them. Breath. He thinks to himself. He’s just worked up. He’s scared.
“Char...” The hedgehog grinded his teeth, letting out a small, frustrated huff. “Look, I get it. I can’t convince you that you’re good. With everything you’ve been through... everything you’ve done, it’s doubtful that even you believe there’s good in you somewhere.” The hedgehog sighs, raising his arm to scratch the back of his head before standing up once again. “But... That hasn’t changed how I feel. What I know.” Was he still hoping for the best in a worst possible scenario? He wasn’t sure, to be frank. " I still doubt you’ll do any of that to me. Hell, you saying this to me proves you feel guilty of it. I can’t guarantee it but... I can’t loose hope just because you’re scared of what you might do to me.”
To be frank, though, that bit with the brother kind of surprised him. Of all the horror stories he had, that one was... too close to himself. A sibling he cared for deeply only to be almost killed? Why? It was the only thing he couldn’t quite get. Does he consider Xavier a weakness as well? Is that why he’s lashing out like this? Whatever the case is, Xavier isn’t just some kid that’s his sibling. With Char’s help, he’s able to fight for himself, even if this does end up backfiring. But it’s unlikely there’d be a need for that. He had hope for him not to.
As he dusted the snow off his jacket, he lowered a hand to reach out to Chartreuse. Sharp emerald hues had a calmer glow as they met the other’s, and even the sparks in his quills had dissolved completely.
“I said it before and I’ll say it again. I’m not leaving you. You might not believe in me, nor yourself for that matter. But for long as you let me... I’ll stay.”
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