affirmations to put on your wall:
don't ask, don't get. unfortunately this is often true and even more unfortunately, this is not actually bad
being hypervigilant and constantly looking for stress and tiny ways to make other people 'better' instead of letting them deal with their problems is not morally superior
being passive aggressive instead of aggressive is also not morally superior
no-one can read your mind
this is a good thing actually
you must accept that uncomfortable things only get comfortable with practice
therefore, practice stating your wants and wishes, and recognise that whilst doing so it will be uncomfortable
whilst you are doing so, you must extend compassion to yourself: if you did not 'have' any wants and needs growing up, identifying them can take some time!
start small. tell your friends, 'I'd like to go to this cafe'. think about whether you'd prefer the chocolate or the strawberry. are you just buying the cheapest thing? if you have the money to not do that - why?
do you like red? or green? or blue? exercise these muscles by window shopping in shops you will never buy from. look online at clothes. if you're not a man - what would you buy, if you were? if you like to dress skimpily - what would wear if you had to dress modestly? if you suddenly had a holiday to norway? the bahamas? if you had to go to a ball? if you had a million pounds, what would you buy?
remember your dreams. why the treehouse? why not the castle? what is it in YOU that likes the tree? find it. look at it. hold it.
the more you do this within yourself, the easier identifying your wants and needs may be
the more you can identify them, the easier communicating them will be (though it will still be scary)
recognise that you may have had love withheld for having wants and needs. recognise whether this is true now. if it is, consider whether you want to be in that kind of relationship/friendship.
consider whether it's maybe also your own fault
I don't mean this in a shame way. but only YOU can change how you show up in relationships. only YOU can change the people you choose
but that's not easy. not easy, but it's possible
if your partner/friends do love you in the way you want to be loved: be gentle with yourself, but recognise that you must take responsibility for this change
it's not their job to read your mind
from the other side of things: being constantly watched and examined often makes the other person feel like they can't express their emotions
they often feel avoidant, or want to pull away
they want to be in a relationship with another person. not a mirror of themselves.
you are not being kind to them, adult to adult, by being hypervigilant
you are not being kind to them, adult to adult, by suppressing your frustrations and wants because 'they should just know'
this in itself can be traumatising to THEM. it may bring up past memories. you may be, inadvertently, acting just like a parent or parent-figure
no, they don't just know. no, they can't just tell. does this make THEM worse? a bad person?
be nice. don't put them in that position. don't make them feel awful for not being able to read your mind
gentle discipline. that's the only way forward. loving discipline, and loving choices made every day to respect yourself, and them. this means discomfort.
but discomfort means growth. new life. new beginnings.
and this way the sun lies
jacobvanloon
germansingergirl
annaxmalina
tangentwithtanner
janainaart
