by hoping for the best, i breathe

"She was beautiful when she suffered; her eyes were deeper, her voice warmer, fuller; her dark beauty was simpler and more human. Her suffering had a quality of saintliness. It was her way of offering herself. I couldn’t see her suffer without telling her I loved her, as if love was the negation of evil." Elie Wiesel Alice Fortescue || Auror || 19

[xfortescue]

axmoody‌:

    Alastor gave a slow bob of his head, knowing full and well that his parents approval had shaped a lot of his youth. Still, today, after his father’s passing– the young man tended to hold onto the ideal of making his father proud. “Herbology, huh?” He quirked a brow, a low barely audible chuckle settled in the air. “Suddenly that succulent story sounds a bit more er, distressing for you.” Brows furrowing, he emptied his pint glass in one last swig. Suddenly, thinking on the desk plant situation as if it was some important mystery to solve. “Your desk by a window, at least?” Admittedly, it was hard to keep track of people in the busy bullpen style Auror department. 

“If you made it through the training, you’re most-likely in the right field.” Alastor tacked on, looping back around to Alice’s admittance that she’d stepped out from beneath her family’s expectations of her. Leaning on his elbow, “there’s a lot you can teach a person. Spells, Ministry in-office politics, ways to not end field assignments in St. Mungo’s.” A nonchalant shrug decorated his shoulders, “but ya’ can’t teach the want to do it all.” A factor that had helped ease his own wonder, had he become an Auror because he wanted to or because he was brought up to. Kingsley had been the one to smack him upside the head with any of his lingering doubt. 

“That’s a…” interesting way to look at it. The thought seemed a bit out of the blue, but the blonde took the comment in stride. “–er, fair point.” A shadow of a smile lingered at the corner of his lips. “I probably shouldn’t be in charge of kids, anyway.” Some would say he was already too harsh with Aurors in-training and fresh doe-eyed Order members. He had no idea how to police his tone for children. “Let me get your next round, yeah?” Alastor asked her, gesturing towards his now empty pint glass. 

Alice laughed. 

         The succulent ordeal had been distressing, for a varied of reasons, but one of which being her tendency to personify her plants. Alice gave a short nod. “I fought hard for the window. Had to bride the last bloke who had been there with a few chocolate frogs, but mostly no one cares. For the most part, people share your mentality. They would rather be anywhere else aside from the office.” Perhaps that was her issue. She spent so long in the comfort of the desk that maybe it had become a hinderance. “If the succulent doesn’t last it’s not as if I don’t know where to obtain more.” Alice said, lips quirking upward into an almost smile. 

         Moody’s next phrase was enough to relieve the weight on her shoulders. Why was she so keen to believe his words and not trust her own ? It was a peculiar thing that happened, when people were unsure about themselves. Alice steadied herself, grounding the words within her own frame, as if they might make her stronger. “I’ve got that much.” She said softly. Whether it was the firewhiskey finally hitting her or the relief she felt in that moment she wasn’t sure. However, Alice had never been so grateful for Alastor Moody then in that moment. She took a deep breath, looking over to him,“You were exactly the right person to ask.” Alice informed him. 

         “Sorry, I jumped from being and Auror -- to the alternative -- and then imagined you in that role as well. Just sort of how names seem to fit with the occupation’s people pursue. As if they were a puzzle of some kind.” She was rambling now, but it was almost better than the silence. “I don’t know, you’d definitely set them straight.” Which was true to be fair, and she hoped that he would take the sentiment well. “That would be very kind. Thank you.” Alice said softly. 

[xfortescue]

hestiajcnes‌:

The Ministry was always too busy for Hestia’s liking. There were people going this way and that, seemingly jumping out of the way in order to avoid being hit. Hestia always felt like she was lost in a current, trying her best just to get across the hallway and into the elevator that would lead to her desk. Hestia liked to keep her head down at the Ministry, but mostly because there was no telling just who she would run into. As if someone had heard her thoughts, the soft tap caused her to jump and with a great wave of relief, Hestia saw Alice standing behind her. A smile crossed her face, because even though she didn’t know Alice well, Frank was clearly smitten with her.

“Always good to say hello,” Hestia said, unsure of why the conversation was suddenly turning awkward. “Oh, well then you’ve found the right person. What are the cases eabout?” Hestia’s curiosity caused them to pause, and she awaited Alice’s responde, until the frustrated faces of those moving around them broke her from the stand-still. Hestia nodded at Alice’s suggestion that they walk together. “Yes!” she exclaimed. “Don’t want to get run over by someone not paying attention, do we?” Hestia smiled softly, ushering the two of them through the crowd.

She’d always been known to move rather quickly, so Hestia continuously checked over her shoulder to make sure Alice was still following her. There were so many pockets where its might be easy to get swallowed up by someone else stumbling by. “Oh, I’ve been fine,” Hestia said, a tight smile filling her features. While that was not by any measure the truth, Alice was not someone who she wanted to burden with her problems. Much like Greta, Alice was a ray of sunshine that needed to not be dulled.

“Busier here, of course, which means less time for me to sleep. I think my bed may be starting to miss me.” Hestia grinned. “And you? Been doing well? I haven’t seen you and Frank hanging out recently.”

The awkwardness was her fault. 

        Alice didn’t know why the girl intimated her all of a sudden. Perhaps it was the feeling that Hestia was Frank’s friend and that somehow negated the connection that they had. She didn’t want to dwell on it for much further because it felt like a trap she would have fallen into. A spiral of confusion and doubt that would take anything Alice away from her and leave her with pieces that she thought Hestia would like. It was silly that she was thinking this way to begin with. “We thought that the cases had the same perpetrator because they were all very difficult curses, but the signatures look slightly different. We thought your department might be able to connect them better than we could. There are also a few - uh - victims that are suffering from said effects.”

          She followed Hestia’s lead through the crowd deftly. At her height it was not uncommon that she did not meet everyone’s sight lines. With ease they seemed to weave through the ever growing crowd. “I’m happy to hear things have been good then.” Although Hestia’s ‘fine’ did not quite suffice the Fortescue honestly metric. Now was not the time to go into a full scale investigation, so Alice left it be. She gave a small laugh, running a hand through her hair. Alice was happy that they were in such a busy setting. It was common for the details to slip through the cracks. 

         “Tragic that you and the bed should be separated so.” Alice said, a smile playing on her lips as she looked toward the other. “Ah -- he’s busy I’m sure.” It was a shrug on her shoulders. Almost unnerving how it felt like their friendship was being watched. Hestia had to know how they felt -- or at least how Frank felt. Lately she had been in the dark, and had decided that if that was what he needed she ought to give it to him. “With everything that’s happening the Auror department has been swamped. But I’ve been doing well.”

[xfortescue]

Alice & Frank : OOC NOTE

Hello there ! I do love the Alice and Frank dynamic quite a lot and given that the group doesn’t have a Frank I wanted to clarify the status of their relationship. I think that they are at the point at which there is a lot of mutual pinning, but they haven’t done anything about it. They have talked about dating but neither of them ( mostly Frank ) have been reluctant to pull the trigger. So for all interactions we can keep that in mind. Alice and Frank are still very close, he is her best friend, and romantic or not she loves him immensely. If and when a Frank writer joins the group I will be elated to explore their dynamic, but I don’t want to be beholden to it.

[xfortescue]

ALICE FORTESCUE:

“The Italian philosopher Vico had this theory that time moves more in a spiral than it does in a line. He believes that’s why we repeat ourselves, including our tragedies, and that if we are more faithful to this movement, we can move away from the epicenter through distance and time, but we have to confront it every time. I’ve been thinking about trauma—how it’s repetitive, and how we recreate it, and how memory is fashioned by creation. Every time we remember, we create new neurons, which is why memory is so unreliable. I thought, “Well if the Greek root for ‘poet’ is ‘creator,’ then to remember is to create, and, therefore, to remember is to be a poet.” I thought it was so neat. Everyone’s a poet, as long as they remember.”- Ocean Vuong, What’s your mood when you write?

[goblet-of-lukewarm-water]

Moody: I was just coming to see you.

Alice: Tidings of comfort and joy?

Moody: Warnings of doom and gloom.

[michaelbianchi]

@xfortescue

[memetaped]

random moments send a symbol for…  

🧠 a time my muse thought about yours. 

☀️ a time my muse let yours take care of them.  

📱 a time my muse texted / called yours.  

🗯️ a time my muse didn’t text / call yours.

🖼️ a time my muse talked about someone from their past.

🌷 a time my muse said they loved yours. 

💔 a time my muse said they hated yours.

💧 a time my muse cried.

💡 a time my muse laughed.

🔥 a time my muse got caught doing something bad.

👀 a time my muse told a lie. 

🌙 a time my muse told the truth.

🍎 a time my muse felt safe with yours.

🍃 a time my muse left home.

⚙️ a time my muse talked about something they made, drew, built.      

[xfortescue]

caradocdearbxrn‌:

“A lot of time.” He said with a sigh. “And a lot of just guilt building up. I was never going to be like my parents. Pretending to be the child they wanted…it made me hate myself.” Caradoc had hated every second of listening to pure blood bullshit. He’d played with the same kids since he was a child and had been taught to look down on every one else. To act like they weren’t people. They were people though. Just because they didn’t come from am all-magic family didn’t mean they were any less human. “Fear is natural but only for a time. Your job is still new, but if it lasts longer than a few more weeks, it may not be the place for you. Being an auror….I don’t know that there’s much place for fear.” The words weren’t meant to hurt, but to bring to light the reality of what could go wrong if she lived continuously in fear. “Just promise me that you’ll be careful. Maybe talk to Alastor or Edgar and see what they have to say about things. They might be able to help you sort through some things or offer you advice on how to work through everything.”

Caradoc had to admit that he hadn’t ever been deemed too kind. It took a lot for him to even express surface level kindness. Alice wound up the recipient of the majority of his kindness because he had a soft spot for her since the day he’d kissed her at that party. It was easier for him to push kindness onto her than it was for him to accept it himself. He felt like the martyr for his family and all of the other pureblood families like his own. Caradoc was a product of them, and for a while, he’d been them. No matter how his path had shifted, there would always be guilt about where he came from. “I’m not so certain about that, Alice. I’m just doing the best I can after everything.” He said with a slow shake of his head. When she finished her drink, he allowed the conversation to lull for a few moments until the glass was full again.  “I think that’ll be fine. Just send me an owl the morning of so I remember. It’s easy to get caught up in the work day otherwise and forget.”

When Alice began to speak about her parents, Caradoc got that small pang of jealousy in his chest. He had nothing good to share about his own parents, and that alone was enough to make him skittish about talking about other people’s. It was always going to be a one-sided conversation, and he felt mildly guilty for not being able to share. “You sound like you have a full on garden on your table.” He chuckled, deciding to focus on the true subject at hand rather than navigating the tricky waters of parents. “Are the roses your favorite to grow? Or is it one of the others?” Caradoc asked. It was doubtful that he’d go into such trivial matters in most of his conversations, but again, Alice seemed to pull out the conversationalist in him better than most people did. “Admittedly, I practically live at the hospital these days.” The warlock said with an embarrassed chuckle. “I guess you could count astronomy though. I’ve always liked watching the constellations change with the seasons.”

“Ah,” 

        That was a portion of her life that Alice thought of infrequently, nor had her parents made a big deal out of it in her youth. She had been grateful for that. If she had to guess that seemed what Caradoc was talking about. For the opportunity to enter the world, and school, without preconceived notions of judgement. All that hate in the world spewing through young mouths who did not know the harm they caused. “I’m glad you figured that out so soon. That being the person your parents wanted you to be isn’t the end all be all.” Alice was never sure whether it was nature or nurture, but in the case of the pureblood problem it seemed to be nurture in far more cases. She didn’t take his words harshly but they do carry a weight to them. Of course she knows the danger that her position carries, which was part of the stress of it all. “I promise,” She said dutifully, holding out her left pinky as a promise. “I’ll be sure to talk to them. They seem really knowledge about the whole position.” Approachable was another consideration, but future Alice would deal with that. 

       She picked up her heavy glass and took another sip. “ You’re not sure if you deserve kindness ? ” Alice turned so that she was looking at him straight on. This is probably the closest that she had come to being offended in weeks. “Or is it that you’re not sure you’re too kind ?” She didn’t wait for an answer, because in this instance it wasn’t important. “Because as long as I have known you BOTH things have been true, even if you don’t feel like. You might not recognize it in yourself, but I see it.” She said softly. “And I won’t accept you denying the compliment, because you deserve that too.” Alice knew from experience that it was easier to think poorly of yourself than accept the compliment, in fact she would do that frequently. However, to see someone she was close to do that same thing suddenly felt like gross injustice. 

         Alice nodded, “I’ll make sure to owl you.” She said lightly, laughing a bit at his next comment. Indeed she did have a full garden on her table. It had almost spilled out into being an issue. She took a moment to consider his question before she looked over toward him. “I would suspect the sunflowers are my favorite. I like the yellow coloring and they’re always stretching toward something brighter. Quite easy to grow too, which is always a plus.” Alice listened intently for the answer about his own hobbies. It was always intriguing to see what people were pulled toward. “I never got the hang of that subject,” She admitted,” although I think looking at the stars is quite wonderful. Is there a constellation that you’re most invested ? It’s change I mean, like I know there’s two that sort of chase each other, but never meet. A favorite of sorts, I guess.”

[xfortescue]

justremuslupin‌:

Remus hummed faintly at her question, looking thoughtful. He couldn’t exactly say that he’d wanted to be ‘normal’ again since he was five, after all. “I thought about becoming a writer,” He finally offered, “My mom would read to me all the time and we always had a lot of books around. She loved them, and she made me love them even more.” He smiled softly at the thought, though chuckled at Alice’s words. “A sunflower sounds like a good idea though,” He smiled, “A nice idea, at least. Though, I suppose you could always just feel just as happy through your work at the Ministry?” He brushed over the fact that he’d mentioned his father worked at the Ministry, not wanting to get too much into it, just in case.

“Ah, that makes sense,” He nodded in understanding at her words, “That sounds like it must have been an amazing day, getting to wander around like that and pretend to help. I think younger me would have loved that too.” He gave her a gentle smile, “And I’m glad that you found work that you love. I think that’s the most important thing. After all, no sense in working if you’re not happy with it, right? Not to mention, helping others is always a huge plus.”

“Of course,” He smiled more, “Everyone needs that reminder now and again, right?” He chuckled and then grinned widely at her. “Oh yea? Well, then maybe that’s what I should do. Go into the business of making faces and make a complete fortune at it. Of course, I’d probably just donate it to those in need more than keep it for myself, but it would be nice to be able to actually do that.” He snorted and then laughed at that thought, adding, “I’m sure they’d be all up in arms about it though and most likely arrest or kick me out. I’d rather not have that happen.”

“ A writer ! ”

         Alice’s eyes were bright, intrigued by the prospect of being a writer. She had never had much interest for the craft aside from the necessity of school but she could imagine the appeal. “Why don’t you try one of the newspapers then ? It’s close to that. Or you could write your own book, I would certainly read it.” She took a sip of her drink, tossing raven strands over her shoulder as to not have to deal with them in her face. “I mean the Ministry will never live up to the peace of lying in the sun all day, they are too underground for that.” Alice said lightly. “I think it’s probably the best career I have ever had the mind to pursue, a lot simpler all things considered.” 

        “I’m grateful he had the opportunity.” Although there was a variety of reasons why Alice pursued the career she did, not just her Father’s influence. “Any time you would like to visit let me know, if you would like to visit.” She qualified. “I know it can be kind of dreary, so if you don’t want to make the trek underground I understand that too. My Father still works there, and the room certainly still exists.” Alice nodded, letting Remus’s words reaffirm her own ideals. Sometimes she felt lost to them, but she was working on that. 

        Alice laughed. “That’s the most wonderful idea you’ve had !” The pure insanity of it all was enough to light up her small world. “If I’m there I wouldn’t let me even get near you -- especially if we are business partners.” Alice scoffed. “If I allow them to do that to you then how would we ever break into the children’s birthday party business.” The laugh made her ribs ache and be thankful for the small chances at joy she was able to grasp onto. They surely weren’t wasted for she cherished them dearly. 

[xfortescue]

when is the last time you cried and why?

HONESTY HOUR

“It’s been a rough week.”

                  Alice knew the addition was unnecessary, but it was the only way to put it into context. “I came home late on Friday night and Lady, bless her heart, had pushed some of the plants on the table onto the floor.” She had been so tired and worried, it had culminated in a way that she couldn’t quite control. “I just kneeled by the table and sobbed. I know it’s not her fault, she was just being a cat. However, it was the cherry on top of a very difficult day. I try to refrain from crying on the job if possible, not that there’s much cause to do that. My main stress release though is crying. Which is unfortunate because it’s inconvenient.” She shrugged a little, biting on her bottom lip. “Lady comforted me though, and I repotted the plants. All is well.”

[xfortescue]

[xfortescue]

nimonascamander‌:

Nimona smirked, shaking her head softly as she beckoned over a pair of scissors to trim an end of string away. “I don’t know about all that, but I’m glad you think well of me. I think a lot of you too, Alice.” She said with a pointed smile. Nimona had always the respected the way the other woman held herself. It wasn’t exactly her style, but the redhead could find no fault in the way the other treated others and herself. “The quote might not be such a bad idea, but I will spare you the pain of having to act.” Nimona laughed, finding it funny that she was even thinking of media campaigns. She was already in over her head with orders that it wouldn’t do her much good to go lusting after more. Nimona didn’t want to become tethered to her shop entirely.

“Well, I appreciate that.” Nimona smiled as she looked up to Alice with a warm gaze. The redhead might just take her up on the offer once or twice, but she’d never want to intrude on the other’s personal time too much. “I’ve been so busy lately that the urge has dulled.  Besides, I know I’ll have one when I’m ready. That makes it easier to wait.” It would be better on her and the cat if she was prepared to dedicate the proper amount of time to the tiny creature. “She knows her worth.” Nimona winked, looking to the small cat with a hum as she tied off her last stitch in that place. As she began to start the outer repair, the girl nodded. “I’m actually pretty fond of all of the work. I mean, there’s things I love more, but I don’t think any of it gives me any real grief.” She knew how lucky she was to be utterly in love with her job. “I am a little interested in your system though. I’m operating my desk at the shop right now in mild chaos.”

Alice smiled at the sentiment. 

        It was nice to be thought of. Particularly when those thoughts were of a positive nature. In her life Alice had strived to do the best by the people she was around, found it spread the most light. That didn’t mean she always succeeded, but she did her best. Although Nimona seemed to fault herself in some way or the other, Alice couldn’t see those same things. The cracks one carried on their own flesh were usually only noticed by the occupant. Alice feigned a sigh of relief, “Thank heavens,” She said softly with a small laugh. “I was really downplaying it before but I’m a horrendous actress. Can barely lie to save my life.” Which, for the record was true, Alice had always had a difficult time lying to people. It was much easier to be honest. 

       “Lady always love the extra attention, and I don’t mind the non-feline company.” She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. For the most part Alice had been keeping to herself, running into common faces at bars or the Ministry, but never intentionally. Generally she had been alone in her flat with her cat and the copious number of plants on her dining room table.  “That’s always lovely to hear -- it’s how it should be.” She said. “It’s just color coded by type of incident and then status. So done, in progress, and finished.” Until she found her grove with the larger business of being an Auror it was going to be the small things that mattered to her. “I’m happy to take a look if you ever want a second set of eyes.”

[xfortescue]

HONESTLY HOUR

[wordsnquotes]

Hope. It’s like a drop of honey, a field of tulips blooming in the springtime. It’s a fresh rain, a whispered promise, a cloudless sky, the perfect punctuation mark at the end of a sentence. And it’s the only thing in the world keeping me afloat.

Tahereh Mafi, Unravel Me (Shatter Me, #2)

[xfortescue]

silentlionsroar‌:

“You are kind.” He signed smiling. He knew she was trying. He by no means was perfect at signing at first. In fact he made many mistakes so he certainly would never judge her for making any. He shrugged “It’s okay. Just some things at home. Itll work out” he signed standing up. “I don’t suppose you would like to take a walk?” He signed smiling. “I feel like I haven’t been out much just to relax with friends. Mostly been work related.” He stuck out his tongue playfully. He nodded when she signed thank you and mouthed your welcome back to her.

Desmond nodded happily along. “That would be brilliant. Should we make it a movie night? We should get a few. I can make desserts if you like for it.” He signed slowly. “This last time I had one.. there were tents involved. I didn’t make mine the best. I did try.” He signed silently laughing. “It collapsed. It didn’t last long at all.” He signed smirking. “I wanted to do it without magic.” He signed shrugging. Not just because he was muggleborn but because it was part of the experience. Desmond nodded. “I understand. It becomes like a second home of sorts doesn’t it?” He signed frowning for a second. It was nothing near a healthy balance but given the times. He would stay late and come in early if it meant preventing another death. “That would nice. I usually take mine afternoon or my breakfast is my lunch and breakfast.” He signed.

“That’s a good point.” He signed smiling. “I think we are strong enough. I appreciate it Alice. “I’ve never climbed under a wall now that is impressive.” He signed grinning. “You must tell me how.” Standing up he extended his arm. “Let’s make the most of the day. Do something fun for a change.”

Alice gave a small shrug. 

        People kept seeming to think that of her, but she didn’t see it that way. It felt like she was doing the bare minimum level of kindness that most people should strive for. She was just trying to be decent. Alice stood up with a nod,” Sure,” She said, finding the same pace as him when he was ready. “I’m sorry that home has been stressful for you lately. I’m here if you would like to talk about it.” Alice signed, the words coming out slowly and in shorter bursts. She laughed,”I’m not sure anyone has.” Everyone was so busy with their lives that it sometimes seemed like no one was really living. 

         “That sounds wonderful, Lady could use the company. Des, you know I’m never one to turn down a good dessert.” She watched his hands carefully following the words before she responded with her own. Alice appreciated the speed slow down, realizing that he recognized her current downfall. She laughed with a small nod, she could recognize the compulsion to try to do things without magic. Although she had grown up with it there were some things that meant more when you did it all by hand. Such a baking. If Alice were to ever hand out a baked good she would have either bought it or make it by hand, the muggle way. “You’ll get it next time.” She signed and she nodded toward the Ministry comment. “I could take mine then too.”

        Alice nodded lightly standing, as she linked her arm in his. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her air, walking with him. “Let’s.”     

[xfortescue]

axmoody‌:

    “Eh,” Alastor let a nonchalant shrug roll across his shoulders. The man was old fashioned and frankly old. The blonde male could somewhat understand that the elder might be grasping at straws to feel in control as his life slipped between his fingertips. Otherwise, his way of dealing with the man in question would have likely been far more blunt. No invisible tie hoax necessary. Though, part of that decision was in knowing his mother was still in contact with the Ministry official in question and he’d never hear the end of it if her son told him where to shove his work-appropriate ideals. 

An elongated swig of his pint filled the space in time before his soft blue hues shifted to fall upon his new found company. “Don’t mind, ya’ just might be asking the wrong person.” A gruff sardonic sort of snort escaped him. Idly shaking his head as a deep sigh settled into the stuffy pub air. “My parents.” Alastor answered first, “both of them were Aurors. The Moody family tree is apparently riddled with ‘em.” His fingers wrapped steadily about his mug, tapping along its handle. “That’s not to say at the end of the day it wasn’t my choice. It was. I just had a lot of heavy-handed influence growing up.” When he was fairly young, still getting his bearings, it hardly seemed to be a choice at all. Become an Auror or break his mother’s heart. As he grew older he realized that was still a choice he could have made, she’d have came around. 

“I don’t think so.”

          The response was sure and easy that she didn’t think twice about it. Alastor seemed like the most seasoned person she could talk to, and he seemed like the type to shoot straight. That’s what she needed. “I don’t think you’re the wrong person, I mean.” She clarified. Alice held the glass in her hand, before taking another sip. There was something about talking about tiny mundane things like careers that made the world feel right again. She wasn’t worried about an attack, or if the people she loved were in danger. Instead she was able to think about invisible ties and the reasons why people choose the careers that they did. 

        Alice nodded, they seemed like certain enough reasons. “Family plays a part, even if you don’t want it to I think.” Her words were careful in some regard shrugging a little. “They’re the first people that you really get attached to, and somehow their approval tends to mean more than we want it to. It’s the reason I almost went into Herbology instead of being an Auror.” She shrugged again, taking another long swig of her beverage. After a moment or two she looked over toward him, having let the silence swell. “Probably few positions that you’d want to have with a last name like Moody. Could you imagine teaching ? I keep telling my friend -- with the last name Longbottom -- that he ought to never go into teaching. Children are just so clever and merciless with their taunts.” She paused, realizing that she had been rambling. “Not that you’re one to be trifled with, I just mean in general. Your last name is unique and suits your position well.”

[vikanderalicia-deactivated20200]

“You gotta have a fault, come on!”

[xfortescue]

caradocdearbxrn‌:

He wished he knew the feelings of uncertainty that the other spoke of. Caradoc had jumped into healing and never looked back. He didn’t know what it was like to question yourself at such a level, but he did have experience in sifting through internal thoughts that opposed one another. “I remember being caught between who I was and who I was meant to be.” Caradoc said softly as his teeth clipped his lower lip. It wasn’t an easy thing for him to divulge, but he cared enough about Alice to be uncomfortable for a few moments. “I used to think there was shame in turning away from something because it wasn’t the right thing for me, but I’m not now. Alice, you deserve to be happy. If the nerves don’t go away, and you can’t find it in yourself to do the auror thing, you don’t have to do it. It’s okay to say you need to step back, if that’s the case.” Being an auror needed commitment, and if you were uncertain, it was likely to get you killed. Doc wouldn’t say such things to Alice though; there was no need to frighten her more than she already seem to be.

Caradoc could feel a lot of the ache that normally resided in his shoulders ebb away the longer he stayed in Alice’s presence. He’d never know what it was about the small woman that had managed to get beneath his skin. It didn’t seem possible that someone could make him feel better about life just by existing and sharing their presence with him for nothing in return. With Benjy, they shared a friendship and mutual vow to protect one another.r With Alice, it was like he was lost at sea. She was a beacon that kept him from crashing up against the rocks, but she never needed him to survive. Alice stood alone and radiated brightness from within. He smiled, warming his features slowly as he noted the gentle flush of pink that ran through the other’s cheeks at his words. “You deserve kindness, Alice.” He murmured, tone soft but firm. Caradoc wasn’t sure he’d stand for her saying she deserved any less. His head bobbed up and down instantaneously at her reassurance. He didn’t need to think twice about his offer. “I usually work the evening shift. So, any time after five should be fine unless there’s another crisis.” Caradoc insisted, before shrugging. “It’s not against any guidelines, and I’m established enough there that not many people would question my decisions.”

Even if they did, Caradoc would simply tell them to find something else to gripe about. It wasn’t like they were going to fire him for letting someone pass out flowers to the patients if they were okay with it. “Do you plant other things, or just the roses?” He questioned, wanting to know more about the things the other did with her free time. Caradoc was far from a green thumb. Him and plants were mortal enemies, and herbology had been a pain in his ass all those years ago. It’d been one class hard work really hadn’t paid off. It just didn’t click for him like it did some people. The male picked up his glass after that natural lull in the conversation as he waited for her to answer. Taking a gulp of the fire whiskey, he let out a soft sigh and set the empty glass aside. Two glasses in, and he was finally beginning to feel his nerves unravel enough for him to get a coherent thought in between all the heart palpitations that were going on in his chest.

Alice was quiet. 

         There was something about the honestly of his first statement that led her to be quiet. It was like living in two different realities without being about to rectify the two images. Alice’s lips twisted to the side, not sure how to take all that kindness. You deserve to be happy, rang in her ears like a beacon of truth. She often didn’t feel that way though. There was a doubt that crept in that she couldn’t quite handle. Her hands found themselves and she sort of clasped them together as a self-soothing measure. Caradoc seemed so much more self assured than she had allowed herself to be. She closed her eyes for a brief moment. She looked over toward him, “How did you come to that conclusion ?” She asked lightly. Alice took another sip from her mug, With a deep breath, she puffed out her cheeks. “I don’t feel shame, just fear, or disappointment, I think.” All of her phrases had qualifiers on them, as if they fell out of her mouth with a question mark at the end of them. “I’ll leave if it’s not right. Just have to stick it out a little longer, to prove to myself that it’s wrong.”

          She didn’t know what she did to deserve such kindness. There was a smile that spread across her features, with a small shake of her head. “You’re too kind,” Alice repeated. Often she felt like the kindness she extended to others did not apply to herself. After a moment,” You deserve kindness too.” She said lightly, “I mean you extend it to others so willingly. Me, the people at St. Mungos,  you just ought to have the same.” Alice looked straight ahead finishing the rest of her glass and motioning for another one. At the prospect of the flower project she nearly beamed, taking the new glass of liquid with a small thank you toward the bartender. “I could probably arrange them by Wednesday or so. Bring them by after my shift at the Ministry, if that all works for you. I just can’t emphasize how much I appreciate it. I think it might be nice to see.” 

          Alice shook her head, “My parents were herbologists, and if I have learned anything from them it’s that you can’t have just one. Not sure they thrive in loneliness. I think they have taken over my kitchen table, which is well enough because I don’t have much use for it otherwise. There’s gillyweed, sunflowers, wormwood, roses of course, and a few others I’m probably forgetting.” When she said it aloud it sounded a little overwhelming, but she liked to have all that greenery around, it was a comfort. “I considered mandrakes for awhile but decided the noise might get to me.” Alice confessed, she grasped the cup into her hand, taking a small sip. “Do you have any hobbies ?”