Show of hands, how many people did ‘Mindful Education’ hit way too close to home for?
It seemed throughout the series thus far Steven has managed to maintain his innocence, and that itself hasn’t changed. But it also seemed like nothing bothered him- at least not too much. But we’ve been building up to this, and its been a long time coming.
I think Bismuth was the first time Steven really started to realize that he (and the Crystal Gems) had done some things that were truly morally gray. ‘Us Vs. Them’ was nothing new to him, but it’s different when you’re facing someone that’s one of your own. That didn’t mean the fight wasn’t necessary, but it also doesn’t mean it was any easier to face.
Jasper was obviously different- she’s been presented as nothing but a villain through the series. But Steven? Given the opportunity he still wants to help, because that’s just who he is. Thing is, you can’t give advise to someone who isn’t ready to listen. It’s not your fault that they aren’t taking the helping hand you’re trying to give, but it still hurts when they don’t.
Eyeball was a combination of Steven’s most pressing issues (and possibly why she was imagined as the biggest of Stevonnie’s visions). He tried to take the tactic of saying he WAS his mother- not that Eyeball believed him at first. Then she cracks her gem, and lets him help her despite herself. This of course ultimately becomes his undoing. Because Steven managed to heal her gem, she finally believes that he is Rose Quartz and wants him dead. For someone who believes in helping anyone no matter what, and always believes the best in people, this is probably a pretty big blow for him. At the time he was obviously focused on staying alive, which happened to result in sending her spiraling out into endless space. It was necessary, but it was a blow on two fronts: He finally used his mother’s legendary abilities to do what she would have done (heal someone), but ends up doing something that might effectively kill them when things went wrong- which when it comes to light, is also something that she probably would have done.
And it doesn’t sit easy with him.
Up until this point all Steven ever wanted to do was to be able to fill his mother’s shoes. We already had this:
But what happens when you discover that the person you’ve been trying so hard to become did things you would never, not even in your wildest dreams, do? Worse yet: What happens when you do those exact same things?
When you spend too much time trying to be someone else, you start to lose yourself. Steven feels not only that he has to be Rose Quartz, but that everyone else expects him to be Rose Quartz too. Above all, he just wants to make everyone happy, even if it means sacrificing his own happiness in return. So if that means suppressing everything he’s feeling about what’s happened, that’s what he’s going to try to do.
And that’s when Rose goes from this:
You can’t hold all that inside and function long term, you just can’t.
It’s scary to face the parts of yourself that you don’t like, and even harder to face the things you’ve done that you’re not proud of. But your inner demons are part of you too, and if you don’t face them they will devour you.
Worse yet they can hurt the people around you and destroy the relationships that keep you whole. If you try to constantly push down the things that are haunting you for the sake of everyone around you, you will only isolate and destroy yourself.
To find balance you must understand your feelings. To understand your feelings, you must see them clearly without running from them.
And that is a lesson we could all do to learn.
theartofmadeline
blakekathryn
