hiatus.

[xinxiins]

𝐱𝐢𝐧𝐱𝐢𝐢𝐧𝐬. 信心 ( xìnxīn ): confidence, hope. from 信 ( "believe" ) + 心 ( "heart." )

𝖺 𝗌𝗍𝗎𝖽𝗒 𝗂𝗇 𝗐𝗁𝗒 𝖺 𝗌𝗎𝗇𝖿𝗅𝗈𝗐𝖾𝗋 𝖽𝖺𝗋𝖾𝗌 𝗍𝗈 𝗀𝗋𝗈𝗐 𝗎𝗉 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝖺 𝖼𝗋𝖺𝖼𝗄 𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗉𝖺𝗏𝖾𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍.

a collection of indie fandomless original characters with original lore, written and adored by annabel ( 25+, she / her ).

𝙨𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙢𝙪𝙨𝙚𝙨: the stoic, lí chényǔ; the martyr, lù fēi; the lonely, duàn chéng; the sweetheart, lín yàn; the sunshine, sōng dézhēn; the hollow, sù jīntáo.

𝙘-𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙞𝙣𝙙𝙪𝙨𝙩𝙧𝙮 / 𝙞𝙙𝙤𝙡 𝙢𝙪𝙨𝙚𝙨: the star, ān jīnyuè; the support, yán tuò; the king, rèn xīnyù; the dreamer, zhāng yìjùn.

𝙩𝙚𝙘𝙝 / 𝙨𝙘𝙞-𝙛𝙞 / 𝙙𝙮𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙥𝙞𝙖𝙣 𝙢𝙪𝙨𝙚𝙨: the lover, bié líng; the trapped, jì jìngyè; the creation, mò jué; the investigator, sòng yuǎnfēng; the creator, huā yuántōng.

rules. / muse activity levels. note: muse names on this blog are always formatted with the family name / surname written first, i.e., [ family name ] [ given name ]

header photo credit: re.ddit. promo photo credit: a.dobe st.ock image.

[xinxiins]

tbh although i have a lot of like, creative inspiration for muses on here in terms of coming up with concepts for them, i am both devoid of energy and lacking in like ... willpower to write ? or desire to ? as evidenced by my lack of actual writing on here lately, lmao. i've been mainly focusing on writing my own stuff off of t.umblr. i still love every single goofball i write on here and have no plans to abandon this blog, but i'll probably take a break for awhile, and focus on my other blog instead. so i suppose this will be something of a semi-hiatus of sorts ? yeah. until life is calmer and less busy and i'm less stressed / depressed ~ !

[xinxiins]

so this work-in-progress guy is definitely from 二人班乡 ( èrrénbānxiāng, literally "two person township" ), which is an extremely small rural area in h.eilongjiang province's 密山市 ( mìshān ), near the r.ussian border. i think the population there is less than 20,000 people, which is extremely small by c.hinese standards.

rather than resigning himself to a life spent toiling away in subsistence farming like his parents, lil delivery guy travels the almost 1800km to b.eijing, where he spends the majority of the year as a migrant worker, only coming home around major national holidays ( if he thinks he can afford it, anyway. ) he's actually extremely intelligent, but never pursued university education due to the cost of attendance, coupled with his elderly parents' poor health; instead, he remained home to help care for them, and married young; by the age of 25, he already has two children, ages 2 and 4. approximately a year ago, his wife abandoned the family, having tired of the hardships of life as a migrant worker ( and feeling she had no future prospects if she remained in an area as rural as èrrénbānxiāng ) --- he suspects she may have encountered a wealthy r.ussian man while working in h.arbin, but he can't prove it. and so --- tired of the cold weather and the unhappy reminders of all he's lost --- he decided to take a leap of faith, and turned his sights on b.eijing instead ...

[xinxiins]

concept: m.eituan delivery driver who's a migrant worker in a tier-1 city hundreds of km's away from his extremely rural hometown ... bonus points for if he has some baggage back home, like a young child or children who are living with his parents while he's away, because his wife ran out on the family or something like that ... so he's just, you know, existing in the periphery, eking out a meager existence while sending most of his money back home because he dreams of his kids having a better life than him, and he lives for the moments when he gets to video-chat with them briefly, or the once-every-two-months opportunity to go home, and ---

cc @ptternminds bc what if wenzhe or qianru met the cutest delivery driver ever and it's this like comically perfect drama setup like pouring rain or smth and they have to wait under the eaves of a building for a second, and ---

[notmorbid]

wild dark shore.

dialogue prompts from wild dark shore by charlotte mcconaghy.

i never loved a place before i came here.

i am very good at 'calm'.

only the living can do harm.

i'm here. i won't leave you.

you get all that from wikipedia?

i'm not so far gone that i don't know it's a lie.

i need you to keep your guard up.

it takes a while for your body to forget.

you won't get those stains out by hand, even with bleach.

i don't like wildcards.

we're only strangers until we're not.

there is a place pain takes you.

i try so hard to be enough, but i never will be.

you're a bit grumpy, huh?

i think i've been pissed off for a while.

everything burns, if it's hot enough.

it was hard to be cheerful, after that.

there's no point in rebuilding. it will go again.

what are you meant to do with kids? protect them, or be honest?

i didn't realize it would be so hard to see.

i'm a conversation-killer. a mood-deflater.

you shouldn't have to be alone.

i had no idea you could be so stupid.

i've never seen another woman's body before.

i don't like losing control.

you can sleep, you know. i'll stay with you.

things affect people in different ways.

show me something i won't see anywhere else in the world.

we'll eat on the couch, like normal people.

are you feeling okay today?

do you have any kids?

the world's not a good place for a child.

it's not a good idea to fall in love. not with people, and not with places.

what was your youthful rebellion?

any rebellion i had was always this quiet anger, always swallowed down.

i'm going to make it. it's not going to kill me.

i sleep better when i have company.

you didn't have to lie.

i'm unraveled, and i don't know how to tie my pieces back together.

i've lost too much, and i am too much lost.

it's not safe here for me anymore.

they fear what i've realized, and they fear me for knowing it.

don't do anything stupid, okay?

i missed you like a limb cut off.

when i think about leaving, i almost can't breathe.

'stubborn' is too small a word for what you are.

i can help. i'm handier than i look.

i like building things.

the worst part is the lack of company, so you can talk, and i'll work.

maybe the truth is more uncomfortable than you'd like to admit.

you'll have a scar.

i wanted to pretend it hadn't happened, for an afternoon.

you just have to keep going, that's all. there's nothing else.

guilt is a heavy thing to carry alone.

what i miss most wasn't anything i expected.

the truth is, i would do anything for you.

i wanted your life to be different.

i like having things to do. i like feeling useful.

it is a skill, figuring out how you feel and articulating it. it's not easy. but i think it's important to try.

i'm not built to be a mother.

i feel like a child playing dress-up.

this can't be happening again.

at some point, you have to choose your own life.

i messed up. i think i mess up all the time.

love expands when it needs to. it adapts. it embraces.

i don't have a good answer. you won't feel comforted by it.

this could be freeing. do you feel freed?

should we not have done that?

i thought i could have died from wanting you so badly.

how come you never had kids?

i had no idea you had such cruelty in you.

here is the nature of life: that we must love things with our whole selves, knowing they will die.

if you want sense from what happened, you'll have to make it yourself.

why did you have kids, if you weren't going to bother keeping them safe?

i have not made myself easy to love.

i've had enough of careful.

this world is a dumpster fire.

this is bad. this is way worse than i realized.

where men go, there is harm.

i have to do better. i have to be better.

i'm not letting _____ anywhere near you. you're safe.

you can tell me. whatever it is, i'll try to understand.

don't be nice to me.

does it always hurt like this?

it gets less painful with time.

a lot of people have fallen under ____'s spell. there's no shame in it.

you can't think about what's getting left behind. there will be time for that later.

this is a very weird time to have that conversation.

if you don't know what to say, listen. okay?

it's really fucking sad it takes loss to know the precise quality of love.

just a little farther now. not long to go.

there is a colder place than this. don't let it find you.

i'll carry you on my back for as long as it takes.

[raesource]

angst-y sentence starters

if you are sending to a multi-muse, remember to specify the muse that the sentence starters are being sent for .

“ I never asked you to save me - I asked you to stay. ”

“ You keep saying you’re fine, but I can still see the blood on your hands. ”

“ Don’t touch me. Everyone I love ends up broken. ”

“ I forgave you the first three times. There won’t be a fourth. ”

“ You weren’t there when I needed you most, so why are you here now? ”

“ I stopped counting the days since you left - turns out forever is shorter than I thought. ”

“ All those promises you made sound like lies when I say them out loud. ”

“ I kept your side of the bed empty for a year. It’s time to admit you’re not coming back. ”

“ You look at me like I’m a ghost, but you’re the one who killed us. ”

“ I would have burned the world down for you. You wouldn’t even cross the street. ”

“ Say it. Say you never loved me so I can finally stop hoping. ”

“ The worst part isn’t that you lied - it’s that I still believed you. ”

“ I practiced smiling in the mirror so you wouldn’t notice I’m falling apart. ”

“ You taught me how to trust again. Thanks for the lesson. ”

“ Every time you walk away, a piece of me goes with you. ”

“ I didn’t lose you. You threw me away the moment someone better came along. ”

“ Stop apologizing. The damage is already done. ”

“ I still reach for you in my sleep and wake up colder than before. ”

“ You said ‘forever’ like it was easy. ”

“ I keep replaying the last time you said my name, trying to hear love in it. ”

“ The silence after you left is louder than any fight we ever had. ”

“ I was ready to die for you. You weren’t even willing to live for me. ”

“ Tell me where it hurts, so I know where to stop touching. ”

“ You moved on so fast I didn’t even get the chance to miss you properly. ”

“ I built my whole world around you, and you just walked out the door without looking back. ”

“ The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves to survive loving you. ”

“ I finally deleted your number. My phone still autocorrects ‘I’m sorry’ to your name. ”

“ You weren’t the villain - you were just cruel with good intentions. ”

“ I hate that I still check if you’re okay when I’m the one bleeding. ”

“ We didn’t break up. We slowly tore each other apart until there was nothing left to save. ”

“ You said you’d never make me cry. Look at me now. ”

“ I keep the voicemail you left the night everything fell apart. I’ve listened to it so many times I know your pauses by heart. ”

“ Loving you feels like drowning in slow motion while you stand on the shore. ”

“ I wasn’t enough to make you stay, but I was enough to make you feel guilty about leaving. ”

“ You came back like nothing happened, but I’m still picking up pieces you don’t even see. ”

“ I stopped leaving the porch light on. You never noticed anyway. ”

“ The saddest part is I still defend you when people ask why I’m not over it. ”

“ You didn’t just break my heart - you broke my ability to believe anyone else. ”

“ I finally understand why you always said ‘don’t get attached.’ You never planned on staying. ”

“ Every happy memory we had now feels like evidence in a crime scene. ”

“ I wish I could hate you. It would hurt less than this. ”

“ You keep asking what you can do to fix this. Start by going back in time. ”

“ I smiled in all the photos so no one would know you were destroying me behind them. ”

“ The hardest part of letting go is realizing you let go first. ”

“ I still flinch when someone says your name like it’s a curse. ”

“ You weren’t a chapter - you were the whole book, and now it’s on fire. ”

“ I didn’t lose feelings. They were murdered, slowly, every time you chose not to choose me. ”

“ I hope one day you look for me in a crowded room and feel what I feel every single day. ”

“ You walked away like it was easy, but I’m still here trying to remember how to breathe without you. ”

“ I finally stopped waiting for you. That’s the closest thing to healing I’ve managed so far. ”

[xinxiins]

last but not least, the third boyo in ye olde xinxiins triad of new boyos has arrived ~ ! read more about him here ~ !

name: huā yuántōng ( 花 family name ; 缘 "cause, reason, karma, fate" + 通 "to connect, to know well, to go through" ).

age: ~22 - 24 ( timeline-dependent ).

positive traits: intelligent, hardworking, creative, artistic, well-spoken, well-educated, patient, caring, gentle, kind.

negative traits: withdrawn, moody, gloomy, fatalistic, self-deprecating, negative internal dialogue.

mtbi: intj-turbulent.

fc: z.hou k.eyu ( 1 / 2 / 3 ).

once upon a time, there was a boy. he was a brilliant boy, incredibly intelligent and thoughtful and kind, with a mind that blossomed as beautifully as an imperial garden in spring. and he grew up to be a brilliant man, a shining star --- brighter than the sun, and deserving of being just as enduring.

once upon a time, there was a boy. he was a brilliant boy, but he was incredibly lonely, too. he didn't know what it was to hear the sound of a father's praise, or feel the warmth of a mother's loving embrace. every day, he felt discarded, separate from the world, as if there were a pane of crystal-clear glass between him and the rest of humanity: an invisible boundary creating an ever-present barrier between him and every other human soul in the world.

and that boy --- that beautiful and intelligent and devastatingly, overwhelmingly lonely boy --- grew up and became a beautiful and intelligent and devastatingly, overwhelmingly lonely man.

and it wasn't enough to know how machines worked, because for all the machinations he knew and understood, none of them were the inner machinations of man, far too distant and abstract for him to ever reach out and touch and hold and comprehend.

然后一天，在一个寒冷而阴天的早晨，他这个孤独可怜的年轻男人定了: " 我就要走了, 这个心痛我经受不了了。" 他真的没想到他的 "心电脑" 还是可能重新开机了…

cc: @ptternminds DID I MAKE IT HURT MORE YET 8)c

[xinxiins]

... anyway, like this for a lil smth in ur inbox

[xinxiins]

wake up honey, two paired fated new tragic boyos just dropped ~ read more about them on their bio doc, here !

name: sōng dézhēn ( family name 松 ; 德 "virtue, goodness, kindness" + 真 "true, genuine" ).

age: ~23 - 25.

hometown: 河南省 , 安阳市 , 林州市 , 桂林镇 ( guilin, linzhou city, anyang, henan province ).

positive traits: intelligent, capable, kindhearted, patient, responsible, mature, hardworking, filial, devoted, loving, friendly.

negative traits: self-sacrificing, bottles up emotions, independent to a fault.

fc: q.uan y.ilun ( 1 / 2 / 3 ).

看起来认识你是我的命运。

it seems that fate hasn't forgotten even a place such as this: a crowded migrant worker dormitory, tucked away in a corner of tianjin that most others would sooner avoid. it starts with a smile, just warm enough to ignite a spark; shared meals ( and weals, and woes ) slowly stoke the flames. hard-working intellectual and dutiful older brother sōng dézhēn seems hardly suited for this place; he belongs in the hallowed halls of some sacred institute of learning, surrounded by centuries-old dusty tomes.

fated to meet in the poorly-lit cramped quarters of a shared dormitory, sōng dézhēn's disarming charm draws the lonely and angry sù jīntáo in. he quickly becomes more than just a friend: he's sù jīntáo's muse, and together --- illuminated by the faint light of streetlamps and the glow from the cherry-tip of dézhēn's cigarette --- they dream of something better.

in the end, it's a lesson in why sù jīntáo has always hated those stories about fate, anyway.

name: sù jīntáo ( family name 肃 with meaning "solemn" ; 金 "gold" + 陶 "pottery" ).

age: ~21 - 23.

hometown: 江西省, 景德镇市 , 乐平市 , 双田镇 ( shuangtian, leping city, jingdezhen, jiangxi province ).

positive traits: intelligent, strong ( physically and mentally ), artistic, creative, passionate, diligent, devoted.

negative traits: idealistic, withdrawn, shy.

fc: li y.unrui ( 1 / 2 / 3 ).

肃金陶轻声说：" 我想写一个故事。" 松德真立即喜形于色了。他问道：" 关于什么？" 终于肃金陶低声细语了说：" … 你。"

an artistic and isolated dreamer from an unhappy family, sù jīntáo leaves home the day he turns eighteen, seeking his fortune --- or, at least, enough money to let him pursue his dreams at some point in life. an unexpected muse manifests in the form of his dorm-mate, who is so unlike anybody else sù jīntáo has ever met in this life. call it a fleeting meeting, call it a gentle tug on the red string of fate --- but whatever you call it, the bond that forms between the two of them draws sù jīntáo in --- and, in doing so, pulls him out of his shell.

a vivid imagination is a double-edged sword --- but if fate won't grant sù jīntáo's wishes, then he'll write his own happy ending, even if the ink is blotted with his tears ...

cc @ptternminds HEHEHE

[xinxiins]

coming soon on ye olde xinxiins: not one, not two, but three, yes three, new heartbreaking sillies whomst i will crush like bug

[xinxiins]

@ptternminds / cont. from here ~

beijing's chaoyang hospital is as clean and inviting as a hospital can possibly be, but no matter how inoffensive it is --- clean floors, smelling faintly of sterility and detergent --- every second he spends inside it nevertheless reminds rèn xīnyù of all the reasons he hates hospitals. ān jīnyuè, of course, knows this, and so he had --- of course --- told xīnyù to just go back to the hotel ... and xīnyù, of course, had resisted in his characteristic stubborn way: not just resisted; he'd made a scene, as if he were trying to win an award for it a spectacular tantrum. jīnyuè, predictably docile and complaisant, had folded like a deck of cards in the face of xīnyù's temper.

which brings them to here: a private room on the respiratory ward. jīnyuè, curled on his side in a hospital bed that somehow manages to make even someone as tall as he is look small, has finally managed to fall asleep after coughing for what seemed like hours on end; xīnyù --- free to let his facade fall by the wayside now that jīnyuè's no longer awake to see the scope of his terror --- sits, white-knuckled, in a chair pulled up alongside him. dark eyes, their gaze rendered no less sharp and attentive despite the visible toll of exhaustion, remain fixed on the pulse oximetry waveform. jīnyuè's oxygen saturation hovers at around 92%, his breath rattly but not uncomfortably labored. one of xīnyù's hands strays, shifting carefully from the arm of the chair to jīnyuè's shoulder. he squeezes gently, murmuring softly under his breath, as if repeating a mantra: " 你睡着了，那就好，那就好，你睡着了，那就好 ... "

jīnyuè's phone, cast aside haphazardly on the bedside table, rings, the whimsical opening theme to doraemon cutting through the silence of the room. jīnyuè jolts awake, immediately launching into a painful coughing fit as he feels around for it, and xīnyù lets fly a particularly-colorful string of curses that would make even the saltiest of old deckhands blush. " 我来，" he insists, pushing jīnyuè gently aside and grabbing the phone with a ferocity that suggests he wishes it were the caller's neck instead.

" 谁呀？" there's a certain accusatory bent to his tone, lilting 岑江话 giving way to a biting take on 普通话 .

"Hey, it's Yannick. Just wanted to check in. Are you okay?"

on the other end, rèn xīnyù sighs.

"i'm not jīnyuè." it's a decidedly --- disarmingly --- authentic take on an american accent, the illusion broken only momentarily when he says his own name, clarifying: "i'm rèn xīnyù. his friend."

( not his coworker, not even his co-star --- his friend. a minor detail, easy for most to miss, but one that carries with it a heavily-weighted implication. )

" 哥哥，" jīnyuè pleads feebly, reaching for the phone, "乖，啊。" he's coughing again. the monitor reads 89%; an alarm sounds, and xīnyù's stomach flips, bile rising in the back of his throat. for a minute, he thinks he'll throw up the cold, shabbily-imitated 脆哨 he'd had for breakfast right here on the floor of jīnyuè's room.

"i ... who are you ? why are you calling him ?" it's as if xīnyù wants to sound angry but can't quite pull it off, not with jīnyuè hacking up a lung in the background. "why do you have his number ? he's ... you can talk to me. if you can't say 'rèn xīnyù' --- " the americanized illusion shatters once again at rèn xīnyù, only to flawlessly reform seconds later, " --- then, um ... ricky, i guess. just ... call me ricky. or ... whatever."

( a beat. more agonized coughing, more frantic beeping as the pulse oximeter sounds the alarm. the door opens and a nurse enters; she's as quick to hand xīnyù a vomit bag as she is to turn on the wall oxygen and hook jīnyuè up to a nasal cannula, her eyes filled with compassion and concern as they peer over her mask. )

xīnyù takes a shaky breath. "he's sick," he manages faintly, "so i'll talk on his behalf." a moment's pause, and then he addresses the elephant in the room directly: "is this ... is this about that fucking video ?"

[xinxiins]

what if i added a muse on here who's a migrant worker and is really struggling to adapt to life in [ insert province he's working in here, which is also probably very far from his home ], and who feels really invisible to / judged by the locals of [ insert province he's working in here ], but is actually the most warmhearted guy if you get to know him, probably makes killer [ insert food from his home province here ], etc etc

cc @ptternminds bc lenlen i think u know the minute i manifest this guy i'm gonna yeet him at u sdfsdkf LMAO

[ptternminds]

angsty starter call | @xinxiins

"Why are you here."

Leaned back slightly, with his face contorted as though he's holding onto the skin of it with sheer force of will alone, disturbed and anger transmuted from fear, broken lilt, Wénzhé regards Lín Yàn with the accusations of a corpse laid to rest beneath someone's floorboards.

Not too dissociated a theme for the two of them.

Which doesn't make the situation at hand make any more sense.

Why wouldn't he be here? This is his home. This is his city. This is where they met. This is where Wénzhé started figuring out the world that stretches out beyond his own confines, the path walked by those that came before him all the way back home could be traversed without it meaning anything other than a hopeful trudge back to someone's roots.

This is where he remembers her finding more to look at and recognise than he ever could. This is where she laughed with strangers while he hovered somewhere nearby. This is where she didn't want to go and this is where she had carved a spot for herself out, nestled somewhere in the cracks in the palms of the city's hands.

Like a second home.

A second funeral.

This is where they'd met. The three of them.

"What do you want...?"

[xinxiins]

once upon a time, lín yàn prided himself for his ability to abstain. i won't be like her, he'd always thought to himself whenever he watched his older sister stumble around, three sheets to the wind, i'll always be better than that, because i have to be.

and then, he'd heard the news --- her news --- and had practically felt reality splinter into fragments around him, shattering into irreparable pieces, like so many shards of glass, and he'd picked up a bottle of erguotou, and hadn't looked back.

( which finds him here, now, stumbling down one of ezhou's innumerable streets with his shirt half-unbuttoned and hair tousled; his gaze is unfocused, his cheeks flushed redder than a lychee, and the half empty bottle of erguotou that he's clinging to as if for dear life utterly removes any question as to how he found himself in such a pathetic state.

so much for being better. )

a familiar voice cuts through the haze, and lín yàn stops short. glassy eyes manage to zero in on the face he knows so well, and lín yàn --- freed of the shackles of proper behavior thanks to the liquid courage flowing through his veins --- decides to make a spectacle.

" 我，我凭什么在这里呢？ 你以为你是谁呀？你有病啊？ 徐文哲，你这个废物，你找死了吧？ 你给我滚 ！"

it's loud enough that the nearby aunties subtly set aside their mahjong tiles, peering over the rims of their sunglasses to watch the unfolding spectacle. lín yàn takes a staggering step forward, bottle in hand and arm outstretched, a single finger pointing squarely at wénzhé's chest in accusation. vitriol drips from every inch of him, his muscles taut and tense, like a coiled spring ready to snap.

( this rage has been in the making since she left, since a little piece of his soul shriveled up and rotted on the vine, left to fester like a boil --- one that wénzhé's now inadvertently poked. )

another stagger-step forward, and then lín yàn's arm suddenly swings out; the bottle of erguotou smashes against a nearby cinderblock wall and shatters, splattering its contents everywhere. one of the aunties gasps aloud in shock; an uncle, looking faintly amused, lights a cigarette. several people poke their heads out of nearby stores, waiting to watch the spectacle that's sure to unfold.

lín yàn's hand is dripping blood, but he doesn't care; he's holding the jagged neck of the bottle as if he intends to wield it like a weapon if given the chance. his handsome face is twisted in a furious snarl; anguish and murderous intent swirl in the depths of his eyes, like stormclouds gathering overhead.

" 我要什么呢？ 你狗屎堆，你真的都不知道吗？ 我要就是复仇！ 她死了就是你的罪！ 我怪罪了你呀，你这个狗日的！肏你祖宗十八代，希望你会死了！"

ah --- he's crying now; hot tears stream down flushed cheeks as lín yàn takes a step closer, holding the jagged glass in wénzhé's direction as if it were a knife.

( against someone he once considered a friend, perhaps he now intends to wield it as one. )

" 来吧，徐文哲，你敢不敢？ 我恨你，我要强拉你到地狱了！ 都是你的错！ 你滚开，否则我会攘了你的命！"

[xinxiins]

‘let’s get you back to bed.’ - BEST jiejie @ BEST didi actually (qianru @ lin yan >:3333)

& different ways to say "i love you."

as sure as the sun rising in the east, as sure as day turns to night and seasons change, lín hǎitáng will certainly find herself involved with the wrong sort of man. lín yàn thinks it's much the same as how a moth is drawn to a candle: it seeks light and warmth, only to burn its wings against the flames.

there are other certainties, too. lín hǎitáng and her latest male object of interest will get into a fight. lín yàn will hear about it.

objectively, his sister doesn't have much honor left to defend, after years upon years of making the same mistakes. objectively, lín yàn knows this.

( but subjectively, he feels a clenching in his heart when he sees her like that, with her inky-black hair tumbling out of her bun, her knockoff makeup running down her cheeks, mixed with tears. and so he does what a good little brother should do, rolling up his sleeves and cracking his knuckles and thinking dully to himself, 是我应该的的。)

he doesn't win fights because of his strength or stature; if anything, he wins them in spite of it, the tenacity in him not wholly unlike a scraggly mutt that believes itself to be a purebred fighting dog. in the end, his knuckles are bloody and bruised and his body is battered, but he can at least believe himself to be the one person his sister can always count on.

last night, it didn't go so well; the combination of pouring rain and the sort of unsteadiness that comes from a two-days'-empty stomach, compounded by a low-grade fever and stacked against the brute strength of a brutish man, had proven insurmountable. lín yàn has little to show for his efforts: a painfully-split lip, skinned palms, and scraped knuckles; a vague yet unrelenting ache in his head, throbbing in tandem with his heartbeat; a nose running like a faucet, the itchy tingle at the back of his throat a harbinger of misery yet to come.

--- and, of course, a mortal blow dealt to his pride.

( he hadn't meant to come here afterwards. he swears he hadn't. and yet, somehow, his feet had carried him right to her doorstep. she'd looked at him like one might a wet puppy, and brought him in from the rain.

which leads to now --- )

lín yàn's drifted into qianru's kitchen like a ghost, drawn by the scent of food --- an olfactory hallucination, no doubt; he's far too congested to be able to smell anything --- but it's the familiarity of it: the soft lights above, the warmth emanating from the stove, the faint clinking of dishes. he hovers in the doorframe for a moment, silent, and watches her.

it's not an admonishment, the gentle comment that follows --- rather, it's dripping with all the tender sisterly love and care that lín yàn has spent a lifetime chasing after, like an abandoned dog trying to chase down its owner's car:

" 你应该好好休息吧。"

" 我睡不觉了，" he counters softly, " 姐。"

" 怎么了？ " the concern on her face is subtle, but genuine. " 你不舒服吗？"

lín yàn shakes his head, and the world swims dangerously around him. he makes the way he leans heavily against the doorframe look casual. qianru's letting him save face, and he knows it.

( she is the sun, and he is icarus. this could only ever end one way. )

he presses sore lips together in a half-grin, soft and almost shy. " 没什么。"

" 那就好，" she says, and the cup of tea that finds its way into his hands warms so much more than just his body --- it reaches into the depths of his heart, of his soul, and chases away the darkness there.

( 别离开我吧， 姐。 )

it's warm and ginger and he wishes he could hold onto it forever. " 谢谢姐姐。"

( 我爱你。 )

she only smiles.

@ptternminds

[memestockpile]

different ways to say ‘i love you’. 

‘i’ll make you something, yeah? your favorite dish, just for you.’

‘let’s get you back to bed.’

‘shh, it was just a nightmare.’

‘you like this, don’t you? i remember you saying that.’

‘i drew up a bath for you.’

‘you need rest.’

‘you ought to be asleep.’

‘i bought two.’

‘here. you can have the rest.’

‘i thought of you when i saw this.’

‘i like your smile.’

‘you have a cute laugh.’

‘stay there. i’m coming there to get you.’

‘it’s okay, i’m here, we’re okay.’

‘be careful.’

‘look both ways.’

‘you mean so much to me.’

‘i can’t lose you.’

‘i thought i might have lost you.’

‘how to you feel about the nickname, (insert nickname)?’

‘it looks good on you.’

‘i’ll make you soup.’

‘ah-ah-ah. you’re sick. you need to stay in bed.’

‘are you okay in there?’

‘that’s it, that’s it. get it all out. shh.’

‘it’s a remedy i knew. helps with your throat.’

‘it’s a lullaby. would you like me to sing it to you? would that help you fall asleep?’

‘i’m worried about you.’

‘what do you want to watch?’

‘where would you like to go for dinner?’

‘close your eyes and hold out your hands.’

‘we’ll figure it out.’

‘oh, it’s not big deal. you’re fine.’

‘i brought you some medicine for your cold.’

‘you’re important to me.’

‘this is your favorite song, right?’

‘you’re like a son/daughter to me.’

‘good luck!’

‘you’re like a mom/dad to me.’

‘don’t say that about yourself.’

‘want to come with?’

“wow! you look really nice.’

‘goodnight, (insert term of affection).’

‘it’s okay. i couldn’t sleep anyway.’

‘you can have half.’

‘come here. let me fix it.’

‘your tie is crooked.’

‘c’mere. shh, it’s okay.’

‘i’m not going to hurt you.’

‘can i touch you?’

‘can i kiss you?’

‘can i hug you?’

‘promise.’

‘would i ever lie to you?’

‘i think you’re very beautiful/handsome.’

‘hey, good-looking.’

‘of course i care. you’re my family.’

‘one more chapter.’

‘i love you.’

[tiffsmemes]

book meme / the boat, nam le

you were sick.

a day lived, a sea of knowledge earned.

everyone says so.

family is family. you might only have one shot at it.

don’t worry about me.

thank you, sweetie.

be careful or your hands will blister.

i didn’t mean to wake you.

the past’s a cold body of water for me and nowadays my bones ache after even a quick dip.  

you’re exhausted.

a mess. i’m a mess.

we just don’t talk about that kind of stuff.

do you want me to make some lunch?

that was the big secret.

fuck off. i’m serious.

the captive buffalo hates the free buffalo.

i don’t want you to say what i want you to say!

a precaution against what?

we’re almost there.

don’t go anywhere.

just saying it felt like some sort of betrayal.

i read your story this morning. while you were still sleeping. 

listen to you and your fancy language.

don’t be such a little dickhead then.

all bullshit.

as much loneliness as fear.

how’s your back?

i was dreaming.

it’s tough enough for him already.

i’m probably a bad person.

you’re angry.

i didn’t want to be defined by it.

be quiet! be quiet!

it’s crowded as hell.

[roleplaymemeworld]

                      𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐀𝐑𝐄 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐅𝐄𝐂𝐓 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐅𝐀𝐋𝐋

[ 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐝 ]  our muses share a bed in the early morning hours, because it is cold in the house [ 𝐰𝐨𝐨𝐝𝐬 ]  our muses decide to take a walk in the woods [ 𝐩𝐮𝐦𝐩𝐤𝐢𝐧 ]  our muses carve pumpkins together [ 𝐜𝐨𝐳𝐲 ]  our muses spend a cozy evening in, watching tv and snuggling on the couch [ 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐬 ]  our muses rake leaves together, one gets a bit childish and starts throwing them [ 𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧 ]  our muses get soaked and end up helping each other out of wet clothes [ 𝐬𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐳𝐞 ]  one of our muses has a cold, the other cares for them [ 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤𝐬𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 ]  our muses spend thanksgiving together [ 𝐬𝐚𝐝 ]  one of our muses suffers from winter depressions, the other tries to comfort them [ 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐠𝐚𝐧 ]  one of our muses gets cold and wears the cardigan of the other [ 𝐛&𝐛 ]  our muses decide to have breakfast in bed on a dreary Sunday morning  [ 𝐛𝐚𝐭𝐡 ] our muses have a hot bath/shower together after they’ve been outside for too long