A few days later, the morning feels different in a quiet, deliberate way.
Kara is already at school by the time you and Noah leave the house. You dropped her off together, standing at the curb while she bounced toward the classroom doors with Bee carefully zipped into the side pocket of her backpack “for emergencies.” She had turned at the last second, curls catching the light, and waved with both hands.
“Biggest pancake when I get home!” she called. “Promise?”
Noah had placed a hand over his heart with mock solemnity. “Biggest pancake, smiley face, extra chocolate chips. You have my word.”
She grinned, satisfied, and disappeared inside. Ready for a day of adventures.
The two of you had stood in the parking lot a moment longer than usual afterward, hands linked, the weight of the day ahead settling between you without needing to be spoken. Then you climbed back into the car and drove toward the clinic.
The doctor’s office is calm and brightly lit, the kind of place that smells faintly of antiseptic and lemon cleaner. A receptionist with a kind smile checks you in. You sit together in the waiting area for only a short while before a nurse calls your name and leads you back to a small exam room. Noah stays close the entire time, his hand finding yours as soon as you settle onto the paper-covered table. His thumb begins brushing slow, steady circles over the back of your hand; an old, grounding habit.
The physician is a woman in her fifties with warm eyes and a practical, unhurried manner. She reviews the bloodwork from earlier in the week on a tablet, nodding to herself before looking up.
“Everything looks good,” she says. “Hormone levels are within normal ranges. Iron is solid. No red flags on the panel we ran.” She glances between the two of you. “I understand you’re considering trying for another pregnancy?”
You nod, feeling Noah’s fingers tighten slightly around yours. “Yes. We wanted to make sure there wasn’t anything we should know first.”
She smiles, kind but thorough. “That’s smart. Let’s go through a few things… Any current medications?” the doctor asks. “Supplements, birth control, anything recent?”
“No birth control,” you answer. “I take a regular multivitamin, and sometimes vitamin D in the winter. That’s it.”
She nods and makes a small note. “Good. Any significant changes in stress, sleep, or weight over the last six months?”
You hesitate only briefly. “Life is… full. We have a six-year-old, and Noah tours, so things can get hectic. But overall, sleep is decent. Stress is the normal kind.”
Noah’s thumb brushes over your knuckles. “We’re pretty intentional about slowing down when we’re home,” he adds quietly.
The doctor smiles at that, then turns her attention to him. “And how about you? Any chronic conditions, medications? Anything we should know on your side?”
Noah shakes his head. “No. General wellness checks have always been fine. No medications. No known issues.”
“Good.” She sets the tablet down on her lap and looks between the two of you with a more conversational expression. “Alright. Since you’re thinking about trying, I’ll give you the practical version of what that usually looks like for couples around your age.”
You both wait, listening.
“Most of the time it’s straightforward,” she continues. “Tracking your cycle helps, whether that’s with an app, basal body temperature, or just being aware of your fertile window. Ovulation predictor kits are useful if you want something more precise. The goal is simply to have timed intercourse in the days leading up to and including ovulation. That’s when the chances are highest.”
She glances at you both again, her tone remaining warm and matter-of-fact.
“It can happen very quickly for some people; within the first cycle or two. For others it takes several months, both are completely normal. The general medical guideline is to try for about six months to a year before we’d look any deeper, especially given that everything we’re seeing today looks healthy. There’s no medical reason, based on your labs and history, that you shouldn’t move forward whenever you feel ready.”
Noah’s hand tightens slightly around yours. You feel the quiet shift in his breathing.
“So we’re cleared?” you ask, just to hear it said plainly.
The doctor nods. “You’re cleared. Physically, you’re in a good place to try. The rest is timing, a little luck, and taking care of yourselves along the way.”
Something in your chest loosens so suddenly it almost startles you. You feel Noah exhale beside you, a quiet, controlled breath that still carries the weight of relief and something deeper; hope, carefully held.
“Thank you,” you say, and mean it more than the simple words can hold.
She smiles again. “Take care of yourselves. And good luck, whenever you decide the time is right.”
You thank her once more, schedule nothing further for now, and walk back out into the late-morning sun with the quiet knowledge settling between you like a held breath finally released.
Everything is okay.
You can try.
The drive home is mostly quiet, but not empty. Noah’s hand rests on your thigh as he drives, warm and steady, his thumb tracing absent patterns against the fabric of your jeans. Every so often he glances over at you at a red light, and the look in his eyes is so full of love, desire, hope, a little bit of disbelief; that it makes your stomach flip in the best way. You turn your hand over on your lap so your fingers can lace with his. He squeezes once, firm and certain.
“You okay?” he asks softly as the familiar streets near home begin to appear.
You nod, watching the houses pass. “Yeah. It just… feels real now. Like we actually get to do this on purpose.”
“We do,” he says, voice low. “Whenever you’re ready. No pressure. No timeline we have to force.”
You glance at him, taking in the profile you know so well, the line of his jaw, the way his hair falls a little into his eyes when he drives. “I know. But I think I am ready. Today. I want to start.”
His hand tightens briefly on yours. He doesn’t say anything else until he pulls into the driveway and puts the car in park. Then he turns fully toward you, eyes searching your face.
“You’re sure?”
“I’m sure.”
Inside, the house is still and sunlit. The quiet without Kara always feels a little larger than it should; no small footsteps, no running commentary about bees or dragons, no demand for snacks. Noah closes the front door behind you, and for a moment the two of you simply stand in the entryway, looking at each other. The air between you feels charged in a way that is familiar. You have an active, loving physical life together, the birth control being condoms… Late nights after long days, lazy weekend mornings, the easy intimacy of people who know each other’s bodies and still reach for one another often. But this is different.
This is intentional.
This is hope threaded through every glance and every breath.
You step closer first.
Noah’s hands come up to frame your face the moment you do, his palms warm against your cheeks. He searches your eyes like he is still making sure, still giving you every chance to slow down or change your mind. You answer by rising onto your toes and kissing him, soft at first, then deeper when his breath catches against your mouth. His hands slide back into your hair, cradling your head as he kisses you like he has been waiting for permission to want this out loud.
“I love you,” he murmurs against your lips when you part just enough to breathe. “I love you so much.”
“I love you,” you answer, the words steady even as your pulse races. “Come upstairs with me.”
He follows without hesitation.
In the bedroom, the light filters softly through the half-drawn curtains, painting everything in gentle gold. Noah closes the door behind you with a quiet click, and then he is there again; hands at your waist, forehead resting against yours, breathing you in like he needs the proximity to steady himself. You slide your hands under the hem of his hoodie, palms flattening against the warm skin of his stomach, feeling the way his muscles tense and then relax under your touch. He makes a low sound in his throat and kisses you again, slower this time, deeper, full of the kind of reverence that makes your knees feel unsteady.
“I’ve wanted this,” he admits quietly against your mouth. “Not just the sex, we have that. I’ve wanted this. Trying with you. Knowing what it means.”
“I know,” you whisper. “Me too.”
Clothes come away gradually, without rush. There is no urgency in the way he undresses you, only care. Fingers tracing the lines of your body like he is memorizing them all over again, like every familiar curve still feels new because of what this moment means. You do the same for him, pushing his hoodie up and off, letting your hands map the familiar terrain of his chest, his shoulders, the ink you have traced a hundred times before. When he lifts you and lays you back against the bed, he follows immediately, bracing his weight on his forearms so he can look down at you properly.
“You’re sure?” he asks one more time, voice rough with restraint and want. His eyes are dark, soft, completely open. “We don’t have to, not if any part of you wants to wait. We can take it slow. We can-”
You reach up and press two fingers gently against his mouth, silencing the offer even as it makes your heart ache with how much you love him for making it.
“I’m sure,” you whisper. “I want this. I want you. I want to try. With you.”
Something in his expression breaks open at that, relief and desire and so much love it is almost overwhelming to look at. He kisses you again, deeper now, and the weight of him settles over you carefully, familiar and new at the same time. When he finally pushes into you, it is slow, deliberate, both of you exhaling at the same moment like the connection itself is something sacred. You wrap your arms around him, your legs around his hips, holding him as close as you can while he begins to move.
It is not frantic. It is not rushed. It is the kind of lovemaking that comes from knowing each other well and choosing each other all over again, deep, measured strokes, shared breath, soft sounds against skin. Noah keeps his forehead pressed to yours for long stretches, eyes open when he can manage it, whispering your name like a prayer between kisses. You answer with your hands in his hair, your mouth against his jaw, your body rising to meet every careful thrust.
“I love you,” you breathe against his skin, the words spilling out again and again because they feel necessary. “I love you. I love the way you love her. I love the way you love me. I want this with you. I want everything with you.”
His rhythm falters for a second at the words, a low, broken sound leaving his throat. He buries his face in the curve of your neck, breath hot against your pulse.
“You’re everything,” he manages, voice thick. “You and her. And this… God, the idea of this, another little one who gets to have me from the very beginning. Who gets to have us. I love you so much it doesn’t even feel like enough words.”
You hold him tighter, tears slipping free at the corners of your eyes even as pleasure builds low and steady between you. The knowledge of what you are doing, what you are trying for, threads through every touch, every kiss, every whispered declaration. It makes the familiar feel heightened. It makes the desire feel deeper, rooted in something that goes far beyond the physical. When you come, it is with his name on your lips and your hands gripping his shoulders, and he follows soon after, burying himself deep with a shuddering breath and a quiet, almost awed sound against your throat.
For a long time afterward you stay tangled together, bodies still joined, his weight carefully braced so he doesn’t crush you. His fingers stroke slowly through your hair. Your hand traces idle patterns along the damp skin of his back. The room is quiet except for the sound of your shared breathing gradually slowing.
Noah eventually shifts just enough to press a lingering kiss to your forehead, then your temple, then the corner of your mouth.
“I love you,” he says again, softer now, the words settled and sure. “Whatever happens, whether it takes a month or longer, whether we get lucky right away or need time, I love you. And I’m so grateful you trust me enough to try this with me.”
You turn your head to kiss him properly, slow and sweet.
“I trust you,” you answer. “I feel safe with you. And I want this family to grow with you in it from the very beginning this time. No more missed firsts. No more wondering. Just us.”
He smiles against your mouth, small and full of emotion, and pulls you closer still, tucking your head beneath his chin. Outside, the afternoon light continues to shift across the floorboards. In a few hours you will need to pick Kara up from school. There will be the biggest pancake to make, stories to read, and a little girl who has already left space in her toy circle for the possibility of a sibling.
But for now, in the quiet of your bedroom, there is only this: two people who found their way back to each other against distance and fear and time, choosing hope on purpose, holding on tightly while the future begins to take shape between them.
You close your eyes and rest against him, letting the love and the desire and the quiet, steady hope settle into your bones.
Kara is already asleep by the time the house finally settles into its late-evening quiet.
You checked on her twice.
The first time she was still half-awake, curled on her side with Bee tucked under her chin, murmuring something soft and half-formed about bees and pancakes. You had smoothed the blanket higher over her shoulder and she had sighed, already slipping back under. The second time, only twenty minutes later, she was fully gone; mouth slightly open, one arm thrown loosely over Bee, the soft rise and fall of her chest steady and peaceful under the warm glow of her nightlight. You stood in the doorway longer than you needed to, watching her, feeling the familiar ache of love so deep it almost registered as pressure behind your ribs. The kind of love that still catches you off guard sometimes, even after all these years. Then you closed the door softly, careful not to let the latch click too loudly, and went downstairs.
Noah is in the living room.
He is sitting on the edge of the couch with his elbows resting on his knees, hands loosely clasped, staring at nothing in particular. The television is off. The only light comes from the lamp in the corner, casting the room in a warm amber that softens the edges of everything; the coffee table still scattered with a few of Kara’s crayons from earlier, the throw blanket half-sliding off the arm of the couch, the faint outline of his own reflection in the dark window. He looks up the moment he hears your footsteps on the stairs, and something in his expression shifts immediately: relief, affection, that quiet, attentive softness he always seems to carry when it is just the two of you and the house has finally gone still.
“She’s out?” he asks, voice low, almost careful.
You nod, settling onto the couch beside him, close enough that your knees brush. The cushion dips under your weight. “Completely. Didn’t even stir when I fixed her blanket the second time.”
He lets out a soft breath and leans back against the cushions, rubbing one hand over his face. The motion is tired, but there is ease in it too. “Good. She needed it. Today was a lot for a little body still bouncing back.”
For a moment neither of you speaks.
The house feels full of the ordinary, precious silence that only exists when a child is safely asleep: the distant hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen, the faint creak of wood settling somewhere upstairs, the occasional soft brush of wind against the windows. You can still feel the weight of the last few days sitting between you like a third presence: the conversation in the kitchen where you admitted your fear, the way he had looked at you like your hesitation hurt him even as he understood every word of it, the way Kara’s eyes had slowly lit up when the idea of a sibling finally took root in her small, careful heart. The quiet hour you spent upstairs earlier with the old photographs, remembering how hard those first months had been and how fiercely beautiful they still felt when you looked back on them.
You turn slightly toward him, drawing one knee up onto the cushion so you are facing him more fully. Your heart is beating harder than it should for a conversation happening in your own living room, under a lamp you have sat beneath a hundred times before.
“Noah,” you say quietly.
He looks at you right away. Fully. Attentive in that way he always is when he senses something important is coming, the same way he listens when Kara is telling him a long, winding story about bees or dragons or the exact order of her toys. “Yeah?”
You take a breath. It feels thicker than usual, like it has to push past something solid in your chest.
“I’ve been thinking about everything,” you begin, choosing the words carefully, feeling each one settle into place before the next. “About what you said the other night. About wanting another baby. About the things you missed with Kara. About how much it still sits with you, even after all this time.”
His expression shifts at once; hope and caution mixing together in the soft light. He doesn’t interrupt. He just waits, the way he has learned to wait for you when the subject is heavy, giving you the space to find your way through it without rushing.
“I talked to Kara today,” you continue. “While you were in the studio, I asked her what she would think about a little sibling someday.”
Noah’s eyes widen slightly. His posture straightens just a fraction. “You did?”
You nod. “She was scared at first. Really scared. She asked if you would still make her pancakes, If you would still read her stories at night, If the bee song would still be just for her.” Your throat tightens at the memory of her small voice, the way her lower lip had pushed out while she tried so hard to be brave about something that felt too big. “She was worried she would lose her place. That a baby would take something from her, something that belonged only to her.”
His face softens with deep understanding, and a quiet sadness flickers across it, the kind that comes from knowing exactly how much room a child can take up in a heart. “That makes sense,” he murmurs. “She’s been our whole world for so long. It’s all she’s ever known.”
“She has,” you agree. “But then… she started to light up. It was like watching something open inside her. She started talking about teaching them about bees, and showing them the pool, and protecting them from dragons. She left a space open in her circle of toys for them. Just in case.” You smile faintly at the memory, still a little stunned by how quickly her little heart had made room. “She’s already making space. In her own way.”
Noah lets out a quiet, almost disbelieving breath. His hand finds yours on the cushion between you, fingers threading through yours carefully, like he’s afraid of breaking the moment if he holds on too tightly. His palm is warm. Familiar.
You look down at your joined hands for a second, then back up at him. The words that come next feel like stepping off a ledge you have been standing on for days, knowing the ground is there, but still feeling the drop in your stomach.
“I want to try,” you say.
The sentence hangs in the air between you, soft and enormous at the same time.
Noah goes very still. His eyes search your face with an intensity that makes your chest tighten, as if he needs to be completely certain he heard you correctly. “You… want to try?”
You nod, and this time the tears that have been waiting at the edges of your vision finally rise. You don’t fight them. They slip free quietly, warm against your skin. “Yes. I want to try for another baby with you.”
His free hand comes up slowly to cup the side of your face, thumb brushing gently along your cheekbone, catching one of the tears. He looks like he is holding his breath. Like the entire room has narrowed to the space between your faces.
“I’m still scared,” you admit, voice unsteady but clear. “I’m not going to pretend I’m not. Becoming a mom again brings everything back; the exhaustion that settles into your bones, the fear that something could go wrong, the way those early months felt so big and lonely the first time. I remember how hard it was. I remember sitting in the dark with her on my chest, wondering if I was enough. If love alone would be enough. That doesn’t just disappear because time has passed or because things are better now.”
You lean into his touch, covering his hand with yours where it rests against your cheek, holding him there.
“But I also remember how beautiful it was,” you continue, softer now. “Even in the hardest parts. The way her tiny fingers wrapped around mine. The first real smile. The nights that felt endless and somehow still worth every second. And this time… it wouldn’t be the same. Because you’re here. You’re already her dad in every way that matters. You make the pancakes with the smiley faces. You do all the voices in the stories without ever sounding tired of them. You white-knuckle the wheel when the school calls and carry her out of the nurse’s office like she’s the most important thing in the world. You show up. Every single day. Even when it’s inconvenient. Even when it’s hard.”
Your voice breaks a little on the last words. You swallow and keep going, because he needs to hear all of it, and because you need to say it.
“You’re an incredible father, Noah. The best one she could have asked for. The best one I could have asked for. Watching you with her these last two years has been one of the greatest gifts of my life. The way you love her, so openly, so completely. The way you worry. The way you choose us over and over, even when it costs you something. That safety… it’s what makes me feel like I can do this again. Like we can do this again. Not alone. Not scared the way I was the first time. Together.”
His eyes are wet now. He doesn’t look away from you. Not even for a second.
“I love you,” you say, the words coming out clear and certain even through the emotion thickening your throat. “I love the man you are. I love the father you’ve become. I love the way you look at her like she’s your everything, and the way you look at me like I’m still the girl from that hotel room more than six years ago and also the mother of your child and also the person you want to build a whole life with. I want another baby with you. Not just because you want it, although I know how much you do, and I see how much it still lives in you. I want it because I want it too. Because the idea of watching you experience all the firsts this time; the kicks, the ultrasounds, the first cry, makes something in my chest ache in the best way. Because Kara is already leaving space for them in her little world. Because I feel safe with you. Because even with the fear sitting right there beside the want, I want this family to grow.”
You take a shaky breath, steadying yourself.
“So yes. I want to try. If you still want that.”
For a long moment Noah doesn’t speak. He just looks at you like the world has narrowed to this one quiet living room, this one soft lamp, this one answer he has been waiting for without fully allowing himself to hope it would come. Then he leans forward and presses his forehead to yours, eyes closed, breath unsteady against your skin.
“I want that,” he whispers, voice rough and thick. “God, I want that so much.”
His hand slides from your cheek into your hair, cradling the back of your head as he pulls you closer. You feel the tremor in him; the depth of the emotion he has been carrying quietly for so long, the grief of everything he missed with Kara, the fierce and careful hope of getting to do it differently this time. Of being there from the very first moment.
“You’re sure?” he asks against your skin, still giving you an out even now, even when his own voice is shaking. “Even with the fear?”
“I’m sure,” you answer. “The fear is still there. It’s not gone. But so is everything else. The want. The trust. The love. And tonight… it feels bigger than the fear.”
He makes a soft, broken sound, half laugh, half something closer to a sob, and then he is kissing you. Slow and deep and full of everything neither of you has fully put into words until this moment. You kiss him back, hands fisting lightly in the front of his hoodie, feeling the solid reality of him under your palms, the warmth of him, the way he holds you like you are both the most fragile and the strongest thing he has ever been given. Like he is afraid of holding on too tightly and more afraid of letting go.
When you finally pull apart, he rests his forehead against yours again, breathing you in, one hand still buried in your hair.
“I love you,” he says, the words quiet but absolute. “I love you so much it still scares me sometimes. And I love her more than I know how to say. And the idea of another little one who gets to have you as their mom and me as their dad from the very beginning… I don’t have the words for what that means to me. I’ve wanted it for so long I almost didn’t let myself keep wanting it.”
You smile through the tears still slipping down your cheeks, your thumb brushing lightly along his jaw. “Then we don’t need the words tonight. We just need this.”
He nods, then pulls you fully into his arms, shifting on the couch so that you are tucked against his chest. You fit there the way you always have; easily, like the space was made for you long before either of you knew to look for it. His hand moves slowly up and down your back in steady, grounding strokes. You can feel his heartbeat against your cheek, strong and a little too fast, matching the still-elevated rhythm of your own.
For a long time you simply sit like that, wrapped in each other in the quiet living room, the soft light of the lamp pooling around you both. Upstairs, Kara sleeps on, dreaming whatever bright, chaotic dreams six-year-olds have after a day of recovery and new ideas about becoming a big sister. Down here, the future feels closer than it has in days, still uncertain, still edged with the honest fear of everything that could go wrong or feel too hard, but no longer something you are only standing on the edge of, looking in.
You want this.
You want him.
You want the chance to grow this family together, knowing that this time you will not be alone in the hard parts or the beautiful ones. Knowing that the man holding you has already proven, over and over, that he will stay.
Noah presses a lingering kiss to the top of your head, his voice barely above a whisper when he speaks again.
“Whenever you’re ready,” he says. “No rushing. No pressure. Just… us. Trying. Together.”
You close your eyes and let the words settle into the quiet space between your ribs, right beside the fear and the hope and the deep, steady love that has carried you both this far; from a single night almost seven years ago, through silence and distance and fear, all the way to this couch, this night, this decision.
“Us,” you agree softly.
And for the first time, the idea of another baby doesn’t feel like something you are only considering.
let’s be real the pressure to use AI as an adult is exactly what they said the pressure the do drugs as a teenager would be like but the people that told us that caved immediately for the AI and definitely did not just say no
i was literally talking to one of my friends about this the other day?? it just feels like it was a dream, i don’t feel like i was actually there. like what do you mean i’ve seen bad omens?? what do you mean the videos in my camera roll are mine??
No literally. I was watching my videos from November back last night and genuinely could not comprehend it. Then I was like “oh and I went with an online friend I met through liking the band too” but that doesn’t feel real either lmao
masterlist ♡ wc: 5k ♡ warnings: although it isn't actually stated, and nothing goes too in depth in this chapter, reader didn't have very good/stable home life when she was younger, and there's a part that alludes to her being abused/neglected. other than that, this is just a sweet little chapter <3
i know i've mentioned this before, but when i began writing this story i was trying to make it just one part, so it was very rushed and even though i've rewritten this chapter a few times i still kinda hate it :/
────﹒♡﹒────
Sixteen years ago
The autumn air had finally started to turn cold, so you tugged your jacket tighter around you.
You were sitting on the swings outside the park where you always met Noah after school, your backpack resting near your feet as you pulled the sleeves of your jacket over your fingers. You had been here for nearly fifteen minutes, rehearsing the conversation over and over until none of the words even made sense in your mind anymore.
Your stomach turned when you spotted him across the field. He was grinning ear to ear already, and waved to you before jogging over.
“Hey.” Noah slowed to a stop in front of you, slightly out of breath, pushing his fringe back out of his eyes. “You scared me.”
You looked up, your brows drawing together in confusion.
“…Why?”
“You texted saying, ‘We need to talk.’” He laughed nervously, “I’ve been trying to figure out what I did.”
You felt your heart crack a little, and you were too afraid to even meet his eyes.
“You didn’t do anything.”
“You sure?”
He sat on the swing beside yours, using his feet to gently rock himself back and forth.
“‘Cause I’ve been worrying about it all afternoon.” He continued, looking over and searching your face. “I know I forgot to text you back yesterday, but I promise I wasn’t ignoring you. My phone died after I left Folio's house.”
“I know, it’s okay.” You sighed, “You already apologised.”
“And if this is about Saturday, I promise I wasn’t checking out that waitress.”
A tiny laugh almost escaped you.
“I know.” You smiled sadly.
“I mean it. I wasn’t.” He said, his tone serious.
“I know, Noah.”
He finally relaxed a little, and looked out onto the field.
“…Okay.”
A strange type of silence settled between you, except for the chains on the swings that creaked softly in the wind. He was waiting for you to speak, to tell him what you called him here for, but you just couldn’t get the words out.
“So…” he prompted gently. “What did you wanna talk about?”
You stared down at your shoes.
“I…” You swallowed hard. Just say it. Just get it out. “I don’t think this is working anymore, Noah.”
Everything suddenly stopped.
The gentle rocking of his swing slowed until it came to a complete halt as he processed your words, and his hands slightly loosened their grip on the chain.
“…What?”
You squeezed your eyes shut for a second.
“I think…” You swallowed. “I’ve been thinking, maybe we’d be better off as… just friends.”
The words all sounded wrong the moment they left your mouth. Not because you didn’t believe them, but because you wanted to. You wanted them to be true.
You believed that if you stopped being boyfriend and girlfriend now, before anything bad happened, then maybe you’d never have to lose him. Maybe he’d stay your best friend forever, and you'd always have him in your life!
A look of genuine confusion spread across Noah's face, and he searched your eyes for a moment, like he was trying to tell if you were joking or not.
“I don’t…” He shook his head, “I don’t understand.”
“I just think-”
“Did I do something?”
“No.”
“Did I upset you?”
“No, Noah.”
“Then why?”
You opened your mouth, but again, nothing came out.
Because how could you tell him that you really loved him, and that was the problem. Somewhere over the last few months, he stopped being just your boyfriend and he became your only real safe space, the only person you found comfort in and felt safe around. The only person you trusted, and felt you could open up to about what happens at home. It felt too good to be true, and you knew good things never lasted. You couldn’t bear the thought of one day losing him completely, so your fifteen year old brain came up with the only solution it could. End it now before things become too serious, before anything bad could happen, and keep him as your best friend.
So, you forced yourself to shrug.
“It just doesn’t feel right.”
“…It doesn’t?” His face fell, his heart shattering to pieces.
You wouldn't dare look at him, knowing you'd crack and take it all back.
“I don’t think so.” You whispered.
He was quiet for a moment, trying to work through everything in his head.
“So…” His voice had gone much quieter, like he was afraid of it cracking as he spoke. “You don’t love me anymore?”
The question hit you like a punch to the chest, and you felt your heart physically ache.
“I do, Noah. I just…” You shook your head. “I think we’re better off as friends.”
He stared at you for what felt like forever, then he let out a disbelieving laugh. Because he didn’t know what else to do.
“…Okay.”
You looked over, and he was blinking quickly, fighting back tears.
“So…” he said, trying to smile. “How do I fix it?”
“What?”
“You said it isn’t working. So tell me what I’m doing wrong.”
“Noah-”
“I can fix it.” His voice cracked ever so slightly. “If I’m not texting enough, I’ll text more.”
“That’s not it-”
“If I’m spending too much time with the guys, I’ll stop.”
“No-”
“If I’m making you feel ignored, or-”
“You aren’t.” You shook your head. "You're perfect, Noah, you do everything right!"
“Then tell me what it is!” He was looking at you now with worried, searching eyes, his voice raising in desperation. “I don’t know what I did.”
“You didn’t do anything.”
“But you just said-”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Noah. Please…”
“Then why are you breaking up with me?”
Because I’m scared.
“I just think we’d both be happier this way.” You whispered, instead.
He looked down at the ground, his shoes- his slip on checkerboard vans- scraping against the dirt.
“…Were you unhappy?” He asked so quietly you almost didn’t hear it.
“No.”
“Then…” He looked back up, his eyes glossy. “I just don’t understand.”
Neither did you, not really. It made perfect sense in your head, but out loud it sounded so harsh and cruel.
“I still want you in my life.” You reached over for his hand. “I don’t ever want to lose you… and that’s kinda what this is about.”
He let you hold it, but he didn’t squeeze back.
“You won’t, I mean it.” He swallowed hard, “So.. if this is what you want…”
“We’ll still be best friends?” You asked hopefully.
He nodded his head, just once.
“Yeah.”
“We’ll still hang out after school?”
“Yeah.”
“We’ll still tell each other everything, and you’ll still let me stay at your place?”
He nodded again.
“…Yeah. Of course.”
But there was something different about him now, there was a kinda distance that hadn’t been there ten minutes ago. He looked at your joined hands before carefully pulling his away.
“Noah…” You felt tears prick your eyes, but he stood up before you could say anything else, slinging his backpack over one shoulder.
“I should get home.”
“So soon?”
“Mm, the guys might wonder where I am.”
That was a lie, and you both knew it. The guys knew exactly where he’d be, and who he was with. But still, he took a few steps away before stopping, and then turned around slowly.
“…Can I ask you one thing?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s… it’s not because I’m a bad kisser, right?”
You almost laughed.
“No, Noah.” You said through teary eyes. “You’re not.”
He nodded his head.
“Okay… okay, good.”
Then he walked away.
You watched him cross the field until he disappeared over the hill, and only then did you let yourself cry. You’d convinced yourself this was how you protected yourself and your friendship.
What neither of you realised though, was that from that day on, every relationship you’d ever have would be measured against the one you were too afraid to keep.
...
Sixteen years later
After the first phone call with Noah, it started to become a regular thing. Every evening, after you’d finish the usual routine- bath water drained down the plug hole, Albie wrapped up in his Paw Patrol towel while he picked out a bedtime story, fighting to get him dressed while he ran around the apartment giggling, finally getting him into his bed only to realise he’d lost his teddy bear, finding the bear and eventually… he’d settle. You’d press a kiss to his forehead, pull his little blanket up and then just watch him for a moment, a soft smile on your face before stepping out of the room and pulling the door up.
You wandered into the kitchen, rinsed the couple cups that were on the side, wiped down the counters, put away the plates that had now dried beside the sink, and then you’d just wait. Sometimes you’d sit on the couch, other times you’d sit on your bed, but this was always your favourite part of the day. As soon as 8pm came, your phone screen would light up.
Noah❤️ is calling…
At first, you’d just talk about simple things like how your day had been and what he had been up to. You quickly realised he lived a much more interesting life than you, because when you would ask so what have you done today? There would always be an answer you’d never expect, but when it was your turn to answer the question, you felt like your life was so painfully ordinary, it almost felt embarrassing.
Although Noah never made you feel like that.
“Albie had a playdate with one of my neighbours' kids this afternoon, so I went shopping alone for probably the first time since… since he’s been born I guess!” You chuckled.
“Wow, look at you.” He teased, making you laugh. “How long were you out for?”
“Almost two hours,” you answered, “I was enjoying my freedom.”
“I know how you feel,” Noah said, “When I’m on tour we don’t get much free time. Going on a trip to the store is usually the highlight of my days off.”
You chuckled, knowing he means well, but being on tour and being a full time parent are two things that can’t really be compared.
This happened for weeks, spending your evenings just chatting to each other over the phone, sharing parts of your day, and sharing more and more parts of your life. At first you didn’t share things about your son, Noah wasn’t a part of his life, but now you don’t hesitate. He’s even remembered the little things you’d tell him without even thinking about it, his favourite animals and superheros, the fact he prefers motorbikes over cars…
“Folio drove his bike to rehearsals this morning,” Noah said, “I took a photo of it but I forgot to send it to you. I’m sure the little dude would think it’s cool.”
*Noah has sent an image*
“That’s sick,” you grinned, “So he finally got that bike he’d always talk about?”
“Yeah, this is actually his third.”
“What? Don’t tell me he’s already crashed two?!”
“No,” Noah laughed, “He sold them. The bands making big money now… he can afford all the Harley’s he wants.”
And a few months later, once Noah had really gained your trust again after all these years, you started to send him pictures. Sure, he’d seen some of you on your instagram, but he’d never seen your son.
You: You’ll never guess who found matching sunglasses at the gas station
You: *picture of you and Albie, you had a big, real grin on your face, your sunglasses covering your eyes, and he was smiling, holding his thumb up with his sunglasses resting crooked on his forehead?*
The moment the photo popped up on Noah’s phone, his heart ached. But he couldn’t help but smile. Albie was adorable, and his sunglasses were clearly too big for his little head, and his smile was all teeth. But all Noah could see in him was you…
The kid had your eyes, that was a colour Noah hadn’t forgotten in ten years. But then something a little darker crept into his mind, totally unwelcome. It wasn’t jealousy as such, but more grief. He was mourning the life that happened without him, without him even realising.
When he’d be on stage in front of thousands of people every night, you were at home raising a tiny human all by yourself, teaching him how to talk, how to walk, how to hold a spoon. What he hated the most was that someone else had been the man to sleep beside you when you found out you were pregnant. Someone else had been there- at least for a little while- to hear your son's heartbeat for the first time, to watch him begin to grow inside you… why would somebody just walk away from that? Why would somebody walk away from you?
He looked at the photo again, at the happy little boy you raised all by yourself. You. The same person Noah had watched crash a car into a tree at 5mph insisting you could squeeze it into the parking space outside his house, the same person who used to always burn her toast, the same person who called him in tears one night because there was a spider in his bedroom when he wasn't home. He found it almost impossible to believe that you’re still the same girl he knew back then, and somehow, you had become this little boy’s mother.
He couldn’t believe how happy Albie looked, the big smile on his face told him everything, as did the bags under your eyes the night you facetimed him before bed. You did everything you could to keep him happy and safe… and tears pricked Noah’s eyes as he thought about it. Because ever since you were kids, he worried about you. He knew things weren’t good at home, he knew he was the only escape you really had, and over the years he had hoped life had eventually been kind to you.
But now he had his answer- life may not have been kind, but you had. You took everything it threw at you and still somehow built this tiny little world where your little boy could feel safe and smile like that.
It made his chest hurt to think about, because he wished he knew earlier- years earlier. Not because he wanted to take somebody else’s place, he just hated that you had to do it all alone. The fear, the sleepless nights, the hospital visits, the first steps, the first words… every little milestone you celebrated alone. But somehow, you still managed to raise your son into the happiest little boy Noah had ever seen.
He suddenly realised he had been staring at the photo for almost five minutes, so he started typing.
Noah❤️: Oh my god
Noah❤️: He’s adorable. He’s literally a mini you
You smiled at your phone before replying
You: I know. I’m a little biased though, since I did make him 😌
Noah laughed softly to himself.
Noah❤️: No, I don’t think you’re biased enough
Another picture appeared while he was in the middle of typing another message. Albie was asleep this time, curled up on your chest while you laid on the couch, his little hand gripping your hoodie. His cheeks were a little flushed from sleep and his hair was sticking up in every direction, and the picture only captured the bottom half of your face, but he could see the smile on your lips.
It made Noah smile, in spite of the ache in his chest. Because it looked so so peaceful, he could almost imagine what it would feel like there. He could almost imagine what it’d be like to come home to that. To kick his shoes off by the front door and step into the room, to find you pressing your fingers to your lips, before glancing down at Albie. Or to come home from tour and drop his bags by the front door, and hear tiny footsteps running down the hallway, to hear you calling from the kitchen don’t ruin the surprise!
He let out a long, heavy sigh. He never let himself imagine a life like that anymore, because it hurt to think about. Because he’s only ever imagined that life with you.
Noah❤️: He looks really loved
You: Yeah, I try my best to make sure of it
That made Noah’s heart hurt, because he knew exactly why it mattered so much to you. He remembered the girl who lingered at his place until 11pm because nobody noticed she hadn’t come home. He remembered how he would always make sure you ate at his place, because he knew you couldn’t at home. He remembered when he first moved from Nick’s family’s house to an apartment shared with Davis, and how you tried not to cry when he told you that you were welcome to stay over whenever you wanted.
It had only taken all these years for Noah to realise exactly why you broke up with him all those years ago. And now he suddenly felt angry at himself for not seeing it earlier.
You were afraid of losing the one safe thing you had back then, so of course you would do everything you can to keep your son safe.
Noah❤️: You’ve really done an amazing job
Noah❤️: I’m so proud of you ❤️
…
Another month passed by. The evening phone calls never stopped, but somewhere along the way, you started to call in the mornings too. He’d call while you made Albie’s breakfast, he’d listen in when you were trying to convince a stubborn toddler that you had to wear shoes before you could leave the house, or sometimes you’d just call him to have someone to talk to while you folded laundry, cooked dinner or while Albie was on a playdate with your neigbour Jasmine's kids.
Right now, you could clearly see Noah was in a hotel room. He had propped his phone up against something so he could start packing his things up. He’d been travelling out to another state to go to his favourite recording studio, and tomorrow he’d be going home.
“Excited to go home?” You asked, and heard him sigh on the other end.
“Yeah… I guess.”
“You don’t sound it.” You smiled.
He shrugged.
“It gets a little lonely there, especially now Jesse and Jolly have both moved out.”
“...You’ve got me.” You said softly, “I know I’m-”
“Mama?”
“Hm?” Your attention immediately shifted.
Albie had been playing on the floor with his dinosaurs, but he was now standing beside the couch, right next to you, still clutching one of his toys.
“What’s that!”
“What’s what, baby?” You asked, glancing at him.
He pointed straight at your phone.
“That!”
Oh…
You looked back at Noah, who had gone completely still on the screen. For a second you wondered if he’d lost connection, but the TV was still playing behind him.
“...That’s my friend. His name’s Noah.”
Albie frowned thoughtfully.
“Me see?”
Your heart skipped a beat, because you hadn’t planned for this- which was stupid because you were always talking to Noah. So you gave Noah a look, silently asking if he was okay with this… and he smiled, giving you a little nod.
“Okay, come here then.” You said with a soft smile as you sat up properly and lifted him onto your lap.
Albie stared at your phone screen, and Noah stared right back. Neither of them said a word for a moment, but then you watched Noah smile. It was the softest, most genuine smile you had ever seen.
“...Hey, buddy.” Noah said, his voice ever so soft.
“...Hi.” Albie said a little shyly, his voice quiet.
“You must be Albie.”
He nodded very proudly.
“I Albie.” You and Noah both let out a little laugh. “You Noah!” He then said, pointing at the phone.
“I am,” he nodded his head, “It’s nice to meet you.”
Albie looked at the screen for a few more seconds before holding his dinosaur right up to your phone.
“Dino-saur!”
“Woah!” Noah matched his energy straight away, “That’s so cool! Is that yours?”
“Yeah!” Albie grinned.
“He’s awesome.”
“He go rawwr!”
“Does he?” Noah chuckled, before copying him, “Rawrrr!”
Albie coulnd’t stop giggling, and your heart had never felt so full. The two of them sat there making dinosaur noises until Albie suddenly looked at you.
“Mama?”
“Yeah?”
“Me have your phone?”
“You wanna hold it?” You asked, and he nodded enthusiastically. “Um.. okay…”
You let him carefully take it with his tiny hands, and the moment that he realised he had full possession of it, his face lit up.
“Hi Noah!” He grinned…
And just like you thought he would, he wriggled off the couch and bolted.
“Albie!” You burst out laughing as he sprinted into the kitchen with your phone clutched against his chest. “Oh my god.” You rushed up to chase him
“Mama no!”
“Come back here!”
His little giggles echoed through the apartment, and on the screen, the view bounced as Noah squinted, trying to figure out where exactly he was being taken.
“I think…” Noah laughed, trying to keep up with the constantly changing view, “…I think I’ve been kidnapped.”
“You have! Give me the phone back!”
“Nooooo! Mine now!”
You couldn’t stop laughing as you followed him back into the living room. Albie climbed triumphantly onto the couch, proudly showing Noah every single toy within arm’s reach.
“Dino.”
“Wow!”
“Truck.”
“That’s a cool truck.”
“Blue.” Albie said, turning the truck over in his little hands.
“It is blue. Good job, buddy!”
You leaned against the doorway instead of interrupting, smiling as you watched them interact. Noah never rushed him, or spoke over him, he asked him questions like “what sound does that one make?” “what colour is that?!” and he waited through every little pause as Albie thought something over in his little brain. And as for Albie, who was usually shy around new people, he was chatting away like he’d known Noah forever.
You couldn’t explain why, but watching them made your heart melt. And for the first time since you became a parent, you could actually picture someone else fitting perfectly into your little world.
…
That night, after Albie had finally surrendered to sleep after insisting he needed three bedtime stories instead of one, then demanding more water twice, his teddy bear once, and one final lullaby, you could finally relax. And by the time you climbed into bed yourself, you were exhausted, until…
Noah❤️ is calling…
You smiled before answering.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” He said, and you could hear that wherever he was, was rather busy.
“Are you at the airport?”
“Yeah,” he sighed, “The flight's been delayed again, but I’m not mad about it. Just means I get to talk to you for a little longer.”
Your heart fluttered at that, and you smiled as you laid back against your pillows.
“What about you?” He then asked, “You in bed already?”
“Yeah,” you answered, “Albie’s fast asleep, all the dishes are done… I just took a shower, lit a candle and got into bed… it’d be perfect, but I’m just missing one thing.”
“Me?” You could hear him smirk over the phone, and you scoffed.
“I was gonna say a glass of wine, but sure, if that makes you happy.” You smirked, making him chuckle.
“You wanna know what I’d do if I were there with you right now?”
Your brows drew together.
“Noah… is this really a conversation we should be having while you’re around other people?”
“It’s fine,” he said, “No one can hear. I promise.”
You smiled to yourself, rolling onto your tummy, softly kicking your feet in the air behind you like a teenager with a crush.
“Okay,” you smiled, “Then tell me.”
“Well, first I’d sit down beside you. I’d ask you about your day, listen to you complain about your noisy neighbours and how you can’t get the spaghetti stains of Ablie’s new sweater. Then you’d ask me about mine, and I’d tell you it was the best day of my life… because I finally got to see you again, and you’re even prettier than I remembered- and I’d make sure to tell you that.”
You swallowed hard.
“Then I’d lean in, giving you time to pull away, but if you don’t and you lean in too, I’d kiss you.”
You felt your face suddenly heat up.
“I’d tell you I’ve been waiting all these years to do that again. That no one I’ve kissed in the years between ever felt right… and then I’d kiss you again, telling you how much I’ve missed you.”
“And then?” You asked, the room around you suddenly feeling very hot.
“Then I’d pull you into my arms, hugging you tight, and I’d tell you that I’m never letting you go again.”
You let out a small chuckle.
“I really thought this was heading somewhere else.”
“It is heading somewhere.” He said, his smirk evident in his voice, “Just not tonight. I’ll save the dirty version for the next phone call.”
“Noah!” You laughed.
“What?” He chuckled, “You’ve never had phone sex before?”
“Oh my god.” You shook your head, though he couldn’t see you- which you were rather grateful for right now. “I am not talking about phone sex while you’re at the airport.”
“What? I was just asking a question.” He smirked.
“Y’know, here I was thinking you had changed into some romantic gentleman, but no. You’re still the same as you were ten years ago.”
He let out a breath through his nose, and you thought he was going to deny it, or say something about it, but he didn’t. Instead, he softly said,
“I’ve been thinking about something...”
“What is it?” You asked.
He went quiet for a moment, you could imagine him biting his lip or maybe running his fingers through his hair.
“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way... and I don’t want to pressure you, or for you to think I’m trying to rush anything.”
“I know… you haven’t rushed anything, Noah.”
He looked down for a moment, staring at his shoes before saying,
“…I’d really like to see you.”
Your heart fluttered, and he continued before you could say anything.
“And I mean properly this time.” He said, his voice gentle, “It doesn’t have to be next week, it doesn't even have to be next month. Whatever happens, you control the pace, okay? I’m happy to wait for as long as you need- and you don’t have to bring Albie if you’re not comfortable with that… I just miss you.”
You let the words sink in, and you really thought about it. Months ago, it would’ve been an automatic no- not because you didn’t want to see him, but because now, every decision you made had another little person attached to it, and the last thing you wanted to do was to meet Noah in private. It’d be impossible to have him in your life, but not your sons.
But this was Noah. The one person who had always felt like home, the person who even after all this time, you’d trust with your life. The person who’d spent months proving that he wasn’t here because he was lonely, or nostalgic, or chasing some fantasy from when you were twenty one.
He was here because he genuinely wanted to be a part of your life again, and he wanted to stay for good this time. He already remembered all of Albie’s favourite superheroes and animals, they were talking about dinosaurs over the phone that afternoon. And deep down, you knew that if you gave Noah the chance, he’d prove himself worthy. Because every single day since reconnecting, he’d tried his best. He hadn’t pushed or rushed you at all, he’d been patient as your guard lowered brick by brick… so maybe now was the right time to finally let him in.
“Okay.” You smiled, then laughed nervously. “…I’d really like to see you too.”
For a second he was silent, like he wasn’t quite sure he’d heard you correctly.
“…Really?”
“Yes.”
The smile that spread across his face made him look twenty one again, unfortunately you couldn’t see.
“Tell me when, and I’ll fly out-”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I want to.”
“You’ve already got enough going on, Noah.”
“I don’t care. I’ll make time.” He said it so simply, like there was never another option. “I’ll book a hotel nearby.”
You frowned.
“A hotel?”
“Yeah,” he said, “You’ve got enough going on without me turning up and invading your space.”
“Noah…”
“I’m serious.” He smiled softly. “I don’t want Albie feeling like some giant tattooed stranger just invaded his house.”
That made you laugh, and Noah continued.
“He deserves to feel safe in his own home. So if he decides he doesn’t like me-”
“He will.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. You two were getting along so well over the phone.”
He smiled.
“I know… but if he doesn’t, that’s okay too. But I’ll try all I can to earn it.”
Your heart squeezed. God, he really had thought about this.
You thought for a moment, Noah told you he had a few days where he was free next week, and that if you were happy with it, he could visit then. And you said yes, which led you two to discuss where to meet, what to do…
You chewed your lip before asking,
“Would you want to meet us at the park?”
“The one where you take Albie every Saturday?”
“You remembered?”
“Of course.”
You smiled despite yourself, it was such a small thing, but it showed just how much he cared.
“We’re usually there for a couple of hours, Jasmine brings her two kids and we feed the ducks. He loves to play on the swings, so if he decides he likes you just be aware you’ll spend most of your time pushing him.”
Noah laughed quietly.
“I’m fine with that.”
“And then…” You hesitated. “If everything goes okay, I could take Albie back to Jasmine’s for a little while so you and I could actually catch up.”
“I’d really like that.” He said after a moment, his voice so soft it made your heart squeeze.
“So would I.” You said quietly, “But I won’t lie to you, Noah, I’m scared. I’ve spent almost three years protecting the little life Albie and I have… so the fact that I’m trusting you with this is a big deal to me.”
“I know,” Noah said, “And I promise you- I swear on my life- that I will never, ever, let you or that sweet little boy down.”
masterlist wc: 7.3k warnings: brief mention of alcohol!
i began writing this story in january, i have enough already written for two chapters but i’m a busy girlie and i have a lot of other fics im working on so i’m not sure if i’ll be able to update this as regularly as i want to since right now velvet and hedonist are my priorities 🤭 but i really wasn’t expecting this story to get so much attention already! as i read this back i realised i'm so so proud of this chapter, i feel like it's one of the best things i've written, and i hope it lives up to expectations :>
────﹒♡﹒────
10 years ago
“Noah?”
“Hm?”
“Why do I seem to fuck it up every single time?” You asked, tilting your head up to watch the night sky, the stars unfortunately covered by the clouds, but the moon still seemed to shine through. You let out a long, heavy sigh as you brought the beer bottle back up to your lips, “Every time something's going good for me… it’s like I have to ruin it.”
Noah frowned, turning his head a little to look at you.
The two of you were best friends, but it hadn’t always been that way. You were in your early twenties now, but you dated for a while back when you were in your early teens, basically kids- though some would say you were still pretty much kids now.
However, it didn’t last long, as you thought it was for the best that you stay as just friends. You said you were afraid of ruining your friendship and losing him if something went wrong, and that it felt funny kissing a guy you’ve always called your friend… so that’s what you both forced yourselves to believe over the years, because the truth was a whole lot scarier.
And tonight, you had just ended things with yet another guy, and you were feeling pretty shitty about it. You didn’t want to ruin Noah and Nick’s goodbye party though, so you stepped outside when you felt you needed a moment to breathe… but of course Noah noticed the second you left and had to follow.
“I don’t know.” Noah said truthfully with a little huff of a laugh, “Let me know if you ever find the answer to that.”
That made you smile weakly, keeping your eyes on the sky.
“Four relationships…” you said quietly, before looking back at him, “I’ve been in four relationships this year, Noah. And none of them have lasted more than a month. All my other friends, they’ve been with their boyfriends for years… is it just me? Am I the problem?”
Noah didn’t answer right away, and the silence made your stomach sink. But then with a grunt, he laid down on the grass, his hands behind his head as he stared up at the sky.
“No, trust me, it’s not you.” He said finally, “But I get it. I mean, I’m not exactly a success story either.”
You huffed a small laugh at that and moved your jacket up on the grass a little to lie down beside him.
“You don’t even try.”
“Hey, I try.” He shot back, nudging your knee with his own, “I just… get a little scared when things start to feel serious. I always get told I’ve got commitment issues, I’m always getting told I need to figure my shit out.”
You nodded your head, crossing your arms over your chest.
“I know the feeling,” you said a little more quietly. “In the beginning everything feels good, it's fun, it's new, it's exciting… but then over time, the excitement dies, and I start noticing things- small things- and then it makes me start to overthink… and from there, I’m just waiting for it to go wrong.”
Noah turned his head to look at you again, the grass rustling behind his beanie.
“And then you make sure it does?”
You swallowed hard.
“It seems that way.”
He studied your face for a moment, while you stared up at the sky.
“Sometimes I wonder…” he began slowly, “If we know exactly why it never works out, but we just don’t want to admit it to ourselves.”
You raised an eyebrow.
“What do you mean?”
Noah hesitated for a moment, biting his lip as he carefully thought about his next words.
“I mean… do you think the reason nothing ever works out is because it isn’t… us?”
You turned your head to look at him properly now, studying his side profile in the moonlight as you sat up a little.
“...What do you mean?” You asked again.
Noah didn’t look at you this time, he was worried if he did, he might take it all back.
“I dunno, maybe it’s the alcohol speaking, but I’m just saying…” he shrugged, trying to make it look casual, but you could tell he was tense, “We’ve both tried to make relationships work. You more than me, obviously,” he added with a little chuckle, “But it never works out. Not for you, not for me… it’s like we’re waiting for each other to say-”
“No-” You shook your head.
“Think about it.” He interrupted, “You said it yourself, everything feels new and exciting in the beginning, but then you start picking it apart, and it dies out.”
Your stomach twisted as you nodded your head.
“Yeah…”
“But it wasn’t like that with us.”
Your heart fluttered in your chest, and you looked away first, your eyes darting back up to the sky.
“That was different.” You almost whispered.
“Was it?”
You hesitated for a moment before finally saying,
“We were younger.”
“So?”
“So,” you exhaled, frustrated now, “Things are just different when you’re younger. You don’t think as much, or overanalyse things.”
Noah was quiet, pausing for a moment before he spoke again.
“You think I didn’t think about it?” He asked softly.
“What?”
“Our breakup,” he clarified, “You think I didn’t go over that a hundred times in my head after just because we were young?”
You weren’t sure what to say to that… because you never wanted to admit that you hadn’t been the same since.
“We thought it was the right thing to do at the time.” Noah continued, his eyes searching yours like he was trying to read something there.
“...Yeah.”
“But nothing’s felt right since, has it?”
No. It hasn’t.
“That doesn’t mean we made the wrong choice,” you said, quieter now, “We did it for our friendship… we didn’t want to lose each other- we thought it was for the best.”
Noah let out a long, soft exhale, just as a breeze passed over you both, rustling the grass and filling the silence before he said,
“What if it was the wrong choice, though?”
You swallowed hard, your chest aching as you turned on to your side a little more to face him fully, your brows drawing together.
“Noah…”
“I’m serious.” He said, and his tone backed him up. “What if we got it right the first time around, and just didn’t realise…? What if that’s what love felt like, and we were so young that we were just scared of it?”
Your heart was beating a little too fast and too heavy now.
“That’s a big what if.”
“I know.” He sighed
“And there’s nothing we can do about it now.” You said, shaking your head a little frantically, “This time tomorrow, you’re gonna be across the country and I-”
“Hey,” he stopped you, reaching over to rest his hand on yours, “Don’t get worked up-“
“You’re the one dropping this all on me now!” You scoffed, “Noah, you had years to tell me this-”
“I know, I know, I’m sorry…” He said quickly, pushing himself up onto his elbows, “I’m not- this isn’t me trying to mess with your head, okay?”
You let out a shaky breath as you looked anywhere but him.
“Yeah, well it feels like it.” You said, “You don’t just say something that big and then just leave me!”
“I’m not,” he said, his voice more firm this time, “It’s not like I planned the timing of this.”
“No, but you did choose now to say it.”
You saw how that hit him, the way his gaze dropped, the way his face fell a little.
“I know… but I couldn’t leave without saying something.” He said. “And listen, I’ve had this thought for a while, but I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know how you’d take it, and I don’t want to make a fool of myself… I didn’t want you to think I was asking if we could try again now but instead, I thought maybe we could just go on, live our lives, date whoever we want… and if we get older and nothing has ever worked out, then maybe it’s a sign we should try again.”
You couldn’t help but laugh, more from nerves than anything.
“What? Like one of those pacts where if neither of us are married by 35 we marry each other?”
“...Yeah. I guess.”
You paused for a moment, your brows drawing together.
“You’re serious about this?”
“Yeah… well, maybe not the marriage part right away.” He said with a nervous chuckle.
You swallowed, your mind racing.
“And what if only one of us meets someone?” You asked.
“Then we meet someone,” he said simply, “And if that happens, I hope it works out. I really do.”
You slowly nodded your head.
“Okay, and what age are we thinking? When do we try again?”
“I don’t know,” he said, thinking for a moment, “Thirty?”
“But that’s only nine years away. That doesn’t give us much time.”
Noah shrugged.
“Maybe I don’t wanna wait too long for you.”
Your heart squeezed at that, but in a sad way, making your chest feel a little heavy.
“What if we lose contact over the years?”
Noah scoffed.
“As if I’d ever let that happen.” He said, reaching his arm out and pulling you into his side for a hug.
You didn’t believe him, as much as you wanted to.
You smiled though, agreed to this “pact” and played along. But deep down, you knew how life worked. People left, things changed, feelings faded, and promises made under a cloudy night sky after half a dozen beers don’t usually tend to stick.
…
Before you knew it, ten years had flown by.
You were crouching down, gently prying a crumpled receipt out of your son’s tiny hands.
“Albie, no.. baby, we don’t eat that.”
He giggled at you, grinning wide as if it was the funniest thing in the world, and you stared at him for a moment, trying not to laugh despite yourself.
“Yeah, yeah,” you smiled, tossing the receipt onto the kitchen counter, “You’re lucky you’re cute.”
He babbled something incoherent in response, using your leg to pull himself up onto his feet.
Your heart warmed when you glanced down at him.
God, you loved him more than anything in this world. Even on the days where you felt like you were barely holding it together, when money was tight, when you hadn’t slept in what felt like forever, when the silence in your tiny apartment felt a little too loud, you had your little boy. And that was enough.
Even if some nights still felt a little lonely…
You sighed, scooping him up into your arms, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek as he squirmed.
“C’mon, it’s time for bed. You’ve had your dinner, had a bath, you know what’s coming.”
Later that night, once he was asleep, your home was finally quiet. Almost too quiet.
You sank into the couch with your phone in your hand, ready to spend the rest of your night scrolling mindlessly through different apps until your eyes felt heavy. You opened instagram first, seeing some of your old friends post their vacation pictures, others posting wedding pictures, then you stopped when you saw a concert video, and a familiar face up on the stage.
Well, not so familiar anymore.
You still remembered when he first told you he was thinking about taking his side project more seriously, now that side project was a full blown band selling out arenas. And he looked older now, of course he would, but to you he was still your Noah…
You huffed a quiet breath, a bittersweet feeling in your chest as you watched the video. He was chanting something to the crowd, standing down by the barricade, holding a girl's hand tight.
But god, when he smiled, he looked exactly how you remembered.
You quickly had to scroll past before your mind started to run away with itself… though it was too late now. Because your brain had already gone there.
You two had in fact lost contact over the years, despite him insisting it’d never happen. He was constantly having to change his phone number, and a few years ago he deleted all his personal social media accounts, and the two of you just drifted apart. Missed calls turned into shorter texts, and those shorter texts turned into I’ll reply later, until one day you realised you hadn’t heard from him in a month.
Then that month turned into five years- and now you had no idea how to contact him anymore.
Life had just gotten in the way, just like you knew it would, and that stupid little deal you had, the “pact” you made the night before he moved away… well, you were both thirty now, and you hadn’t really thought about it in years.
But you wondered if Noah had. You wondered if the reason why you hadn’t heard anything was because he had found someone, and he was happy. You hoped that was the case, anyway. He deserved to be happy.
And you sure hoped life was kinder to him than it had been to you.
Albie, bless his heart, was a mistake. You wouldn’t change it for the world now, though. When you were in a relationship with his father, you knew neither of you were happy, then you found out you were pregnant. It was definitely a shock, but you told yourself maybe it would fix things, maybe a baby would bring you both closer… yet it didn't come as a surpise that it didn't.
If anything, it made things clearer. He suddenly left before Albie was even born, saying that he “wasn’t ready”, that he didn’t want to be a dad, that you trapped him with a baby he didn’t want- despite being over the moon when you first told him you were pregnant.
But you didn’t care. If he didn’t want to be a part of your son's life then that was on him. You got on with it and figured it all out alone, just like you always did. You adapted, survived on broken sleep and still made sure Albie was loved and cared for. And whatever you were doing, even if you sometimes questioned it yourself, must’ve been right because he was now the happiest, healthiest, most loving little boy.
But that didn’t stop you from feeling this way on nights like these, when it was quiet and lonely, and you got too in your head, wondering how different your life could’ve been.
You exhaled slowly, locking your phone and letting it rest against your chest as you stared up at the ceiling, wondering where Noah could be right now, and whether he still thought about you too.
…
A few months later, it was Halloween, and you had been out that evening to take Albie trick or treating with a few other mums who had children around the same age as him. You had dressed him in the most adorable superhero costume, and while he was playing with his toys in the bath, your phone buzzed. You didn’t look at it in fear of leaving him unsupervised... but also out of fear that it could be a message from a certain somebody whose 31st birthday happened to be today.
So your evening routine continued as usual. You laid Albie down in his little bed after putting him in his pajamas, you passed him his teddy bear and he was out like a light tonight. You smiled to yourself, because this was such a rare occasion- trick or treating must’ve tired him out- so you carefully pulled the little blanket over him and switched the night light on before leaving the room.
You crossed the apartment, retrieving your phone from the bathroom but still not looking at it, you quickly tidyied up the kitchen- you’d save all the dishes and the laundry for tomorrow since there wasn't much- then you finally went to your bedroom.
You showered and got changed ready for bed, then finally, once you were laying down with the TV playing quietly in the background, you checked your phone.
But your blood ran cold when you saw the notification.
badomensofficial wants to send you a message
At first, you were confused. This had to be a fake account, surely. So you tapped it.
Oh, were you wrong. It was the real account.
Hey
The first message was sent an hour ago, when you were in the bathroom, but then another one was sent fifteen minutes later.
Is this still your account?
Oh, your heart was pounding now. Because this couldn’t be management, this was him. You knew it.
Who is this? You typed, even though you already knew the answer, you just wanted to be sure.
The three little dots appeared, and you held your breath.
Don’t do that.
It’s me.
Oh god. You swallowed hard, your throat feeling dry as you read the words over and over.
Noah? You typed, and this time the reply was immediate.
Hi :)
Sorry I know I’m a year late, life’s been crazy. But if I remember right, you’re still 30 and your facebook says you’re single
I think you still owe me something 😏
Fuck, so much had changed in that time, yet he still remembered. And the promise you made back then felt like it belonged to completely different people. You couldn’t do it now, you had a baby, he had a career-
That was a stupid deal
Your heart pounded even harder as you sent the message, and you didn't realise how still you were sitting on your bed, you felt like a statue.
Yeah I know
But I’m still gonna cash it in ;)
You let out a shaky breath, laying back so your head was against the pillows now.
Things are different now Noah
I know, they are for me too.
But it doesn’t mean I forgot.
You shook your head, though you knew he couldn’t see.
How did you even find me?
The little typing bubble appeared again...
It took me a while, it would’ve been a lot easier if you didn’t change your username five times
You couldn’t help but smile at that.
But why now? You chewed on your lip as you sent the message.
Because I can't keep pretending I don't miss you
That hit you harder than you expected it to. For a moment, you just stared at the screen, at the band’s profile picture. Because how were you supposed to reply to that? What were you supposed to say? That you didn’t miss him? That would be a lie. You missed him too? That felt too scary right now...
Your gaze drifted over to the baby monitor on your bedside table, the soft glow of it showing your son fast asleep in his bed, clutching his little teddy.
Noah, I don’t think you understand.
Things really aren’t the same for me anymore.
His reply took longer this time, long enough for doubt to creep in, until his message popped up.
Are you seeing someone?
No. You scoffed as you typed it out, then hit send. Just the thought of that was ridiiculous.
Then what is it?
Help me understand.
Your chest felt heavy suddenly, and you sat up again. You could just type it, four little words, “I have a son.” It should be simple and easy, but it didn’t feel that way. Not when it might change everything, the way he sees you, the way he saw this.
It’s not something I can explain properly over text.
Okay, then don’t.
That made you frown.
What?
If I give you my number, will you call me?
I want to hear your voice again. It’d be the best birthday gift I could ask for :)
Oh, there was that soft, fuzzy feeling again, like no time had passed at all. You closed your eyes for a moment, feeling how your heart and brain were working against each other. You knew you shouldn’t do this, this wasn’t simple anymore. You weren’t twenty-one year olds lying on the grass making promises they didn’t fully understand anymore. You were a parent.
But you were still you- sure, you were a mum, but you are still your own person. And this is still your life. And you still missed him more than anyone, or anything.
Okay.
You finally replied, and after a moment, a phone number appeared.
That’s me :)
Call whenever you’re ready. It doesn't even have to be tonight if you don’t want to. I know it’s late.
You stared at the number for a moment. It felt ridiculous in a way, the two of you were once so close, and now ten digits made you this nervous? For a second, you almost put your phone down, telling yourself you’d think about it. Maybe tell him you’d call him tomorrow or next week, or maybe not at all. That would be the easier option, the safer option…
But you’ve spent the last two years years figuring everything out on your own, being strong and independent because you now had a little person relying on you… maybe it’s time you did something for yourself.
So you saved the number. Then you pressed call.
As the phone rang, your heart raced in your chest. It rang once, then twice, then-
“Hello?”
You froze, because the familiarity of it hit you all at once. Sure, over the years his voice had changed, but not enough to make him feel like a stranger.
For a moment, you couldn’t find your voice at all, your throat still felt dry and tight, and everything you haven’t let yourself feel over the years suddenly came rushing back.
“Hi…” You managed eventually, softer than you intended.
There was a small pause on the other end, and you could almost picture him the same way you used to, his head tilted back a little, a little smile on his lips as he listened.
“This is… weird, right?” You added after a moment, letting out a little laugh of disbelief.
“Yeah,” he admitted with a soft huff of laughter that seemed to settle you, “Yeah it is. I didn’t think you’d actually want to call.”
“Me neither, if I'm being honest.” You confessed. "It's been a while, huh?"
There was a brief silence, but it didn’t feel empty or uncomfortable, you knew you were both processing this. It must’ve been six years since you last texted, probably eight since you last called, and now almost ten since you’ve even seen each other.
“...You sound exactly the same.” He said after a moment, and you could hear the small smile in his voice.
“And so do you.” You said, your voice soft as your chest ached.
There was a longer pause between you both this time, and when he spoke again, his tone had shifted and lost some of that lightness.
“So… you said things were different now.”
You swallowed, your gaze drifting back to the baby monitor.
“Yeah…” You said quietly.
But Noah didn’t rush you. He just gave you space to explain it all in your own time.
“...Different how?” He asked carefully.
Your heart started to pick up again, and you stared at the small screen on your bedside table. Your son stirred a little, shifting under his blanket, and for a moment you’d wonder if you’d get away with not telling him today. Maybe you could just keep talking, skirt around it, pretend things weren’t as complicated as they actually were…
But then you watched as he reached for his teddy bear, but it wasn’t there. His face scrunched, then a second later, he let out a loud, sleepy cry. You wondered if it was loud enough for Noah to hear, but judging by the silence on the phone, you were certain he heard it.
“...Was that-” He started, then stopped, like he didn’t want to assume.
You let your eyes fall shut for a moment, because there it was. You couldn’t avoid it now.
“Yeah,” you said quietly, opening your eyes again, “It is.”
Silence followed again this time, and you were bracing yourself for it all- the questions, the sudden shift, the realisation that you weren’t who you used to be anymore, that the deal came with more than just you now.
But when he spoke again, his voice wasn’t sharp or distant like you were expecting. It was soft, it was careful.
“You have a baby?”
There was something in the way he said it, he wasn’t being judgemental or accusing, it’s like he was just trying to understand, and it made the tightness in your chest ease away slightly.
“Yeah… I do.”
“How old?” Noah asked curiously after a moment.
“He’s two.”
“What’s his name?”
You hesitated for a moment, not because you didn’t want to tell him, but because it felt like crossing another line…
“Albie,” you said finally, your voice quiet, “Short for Albert- I named him after my great grandpa.”
“That’s sweet… that’s a really nice name.”
It caught you off guard, how simple that was, how kind his tone was.
“Yeah,” you said. “It suits him.”
And then, after a moment, Noah spoke again, his voice softer than before, like he was choosing his words carefully.
“…Are you happy?”
The question lingered between you, heavier than anything else he’d asked so far, and you found yourself staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out how to answer something that didn’t have a simple answer. Because you were happy, but not in the way you used to imagine it, and definitely not in the way he probably meant.
So you let out a slow breath.
“I…” you started, your voice quieter than before, more honest. “Yeah. I am. Just-”
Before you could finish, a sudden, sharper cry crackled through the baby monitor, cutting through the quiet like a thread snapping. You froze for half a second, your body already reacting before your brain had caught up.
“Hang on,” you said quickly, pushing yourself up off the bed. “Sorry, I- one second.”
“Yeah, of course, go,” Noah replied immediately, no hesitation, no frustration. “I’ll be here.”
You didn’t even realise how much that helped until you were already halfway down the short hallway, phone still pressed to your ear as you pushed open your son’s bedroom door.
The soft glow of the nightlight illuminated his little figure, now sitting up in his bed, cheeks flushed and eyes glossy with sleepy tears.
“Mama…” he whimpered, reaching out.
“Oh, baby,” you softened instantly, setting your phone down on his dresser and crossing the room, scooping him up into your arms. “What’s wrong, huh? What happened?”
He sniffled, his tiny hands gripping at your shirt as he buried his face into your neck, and it only took a second for you to realise…
“You lost teddy?” You whispered, glancing into the cot.
Sure enough, his little stuffed bear had somehow ended up on the floor, out of reach. You let out a quiet sigh, bending slightly to grab it before bringing it back up between you.
“Here it is.” You said softly, pressing it into his hands.
He clutched it immediately, his breathing already starting to settle and his eyes shutting as he rubbed his face against it, comforted by something so small and so simple.
“It’s okay,” you whispered, gently swaying him, pressing a soft kiss to his hair. “I’ve got you.”
For a moment, you forgot about everything else- the call, the conversation, Noah waiting for you on the other end of the phone- because this was your world now. This little boy.
Eventually, his grip on you loosened, his body going heavy and warm in your arms as sleep pulled him back under, and you carefully laid him back down, tucking the blanket around him and making sure the bear was securely held against his chest this time.
“Goodnight, sweetheart.” You whispered, brushing your fingers lightly over his cheek before stepping back.
You lingered for just a second longer, watching him, your heart feeling warm and soft. Then you picked your phone back up and slipped out of the room, gently pulling the door closed behind you.
“Noah?” You said, bringing the phone back properly to your ear as you walked back toward your bedroom.
“I’m here.” He replied immediately.
You sank back onto your bed, exhaling softly as you ran a hand through your hair.
“Sorry about that,” you sighed. “He lost his teddy bear.”
There was a small pause, and though you couldn’t see it, Noah was smiling fondly on the other end of the phone. And when he spoke again, his voice was softer and warmer, like he had realised just what you meant by things are different now.
“…You sound like a real mom.” He said quietly.
You huffed a small laugh, glancing across the room.
“I’d hope so.”
“No, I mean-” he paused, like he was trying to find the right words. “You sound… like you know what you’re doing.”
You frowned a little at that, because if he only knew how often you felt like you didn’t.
“I’m just figuring it out as I go,” you admitted, your voice softer now. “I didn’t exactly plan any of this.”
“…What happened?” he asked gently. “If you don’t mind me asking.”
You leaned back against your pillows, staring at the ceiling again as you gathered your thoughts, trying to figure out how to explain it.
“I was with somebody,” you started slowly. “It wasn’t exactly great. We weren’t happy, but I think I stayed because it felt safer than leaving. Then I found out I was pregnant.”
You paused, swallowing hard.
“I thought maybe if I kept it, it would fix things,” you continued, a small, humourless breath leaving you. “Which is stupid, I know.”
“It’s not stupid,” Noah said quietly. “You’d be surprised how often it happens.”
You could feel a lump in your throat, but you pushed on.
“It didn’t fix anything,” you said. “If anything, it just made it more obvious that we weren’t right. And he…” you hesitated for a second, your jaw tightening. “He left. Before Albie was even born.”
There was then a heavy silence, and you worried you’d overshared.
“…Shit.” Noah exhaled under his breath.
You gave a small shrug, even though he couldn’t see it.
“Yeah. But honestly, it was probably for the best. I don’t think he would’ve been a good dad, and I’m not interested in forcing someone to stay where they don’t want to be. That would’ve only made things worse.”
Noah didn’t reply straight away, and for a second you wondered what he was thinking.
“So you’ve done it all on your own?” He asked, sounding almost like he was in awe.
“I had help here and there, but yeah. Mostly.”
He paused again, for longer this time, before finally saying,
“I wish I knew. I would’ve been there.” he said quietly. “Fuck, I wish I could’ve been there for you.”
That hit you deep. You closed your eyes for a second, your heart hurting, because you knew he would’ve.
“Yeah,” you said quietly. “Me too.”
But then you realised all you’ve done is talk about you, but you wanted to know about him too.
“What about you?” You asked, your voice gentler now. “You said things are different for you too.”
There was a small pause on his end, like he hadn’t expected you to ask.
“Yeah,” he said eventually. “They are.”
You waited, just like he had for you, because now he was the one figuring out how to explain his life to you.
There was a sound on the other end of the line, quiet but noticeable, like he’d leaned back and grunted or dragged a hand over his face and sighed while he figured out where to even start.
“I don’t even know how to summarise the last ten years,” he admitted with a quiet huff of a laugh, though there wasn’t much humour in it. “It’s been… fuck, a lot.”
You smiled to yourself, tucking one leg under the other as you settled more comfortably against your pillows, phone pressed gently to your ear.
“I’ve got time.” You said softly.
“Yeah?” He asked softly. “Okay…”
There was a brief pause, like he was lining everything up in his head, deciding what parts of himself he was ready to share with you.
“Well… the band took off,” he started. “Way faster than we expected though. It stopped being small shows and shitty vans pretty quickly, and then suddenly it was bigger tours, arena shows and headlining festivals… everything all at once.”
You could hear it in his voice, the weight of it, the pressure.
“I figured,” you said gently. “I’ve seen some of it, some videos.”
He hummed quietly at that.
“Yeah,” he sighed. “It probably looks a lot better from the outside.”
That made your brows pull together slightly.
“What do you mean?”
There was a pause, and when he spoke again, his voice was quieter.
“I mean… it’s good. I’m not gonna sit here and pretend it isn’t, because it is. I get to do what I love, and that’s… insane, when you actually think about it. But it’s also-” he hesitated, exhaling slowly. “It’s a lot of pressure. A lot of people expecting things from you all the time.”
You listened carefully, your heart aching slightly as you imagined it, as you tried to picture him in that world. Your carefree best friend, now tired and drained.
“I don’t really get to just be me anymore,” he added. “Not fully.”
That sat heavy. Because you knew him as just Noah. The boy who would make you come with him to stupid parties, the boy who you’d go on roadtrips with every summer, staying up so late you’d watch the sun rise before falling asleep in the back of his van. The boy who used to be so full of life, but now sounds just as tired as you…
“That must be exhausting.” You said softly.
“Yeah,” he admitted. “It is.”
There was a quiet moment before he continued.
“I tried the relationship thing again,” he added, his tone changing slightly, more matter-of-fact now. “A few times. And just like before… it never worked out.”
Your stomach turned a little at that, though you weren’t sure why.
“Why not?” You asked, trying to keep your voice neutral.
He let out a quiet breath.
“Same reason as before, probably,” he said. “And then add everything else on top of that- being away all the time, not trusting people’s intentions, wondering if they like me or just… the idea of me- and it just… never goes anywhere.”
You swallowed, your fingers fidgeting with the edge of the blanket on your bed.
“That sounds pretty lonely.” You said quietly.
There was a pause.
“…Yeah,” he admitted. “It is.”
Silence settled again, and you couldn’t help but feel bad for him. He’s gotten everything he’s ever wanted in one way, but not another.
“And today?” you asked after a moment. “Your birthday. What have you been up to?”
He huffed a quiet laugh.
“I spent most of it travelling,” he said. “We had a show last night, flew out to the next one this morning, I did an interview, and now I’m back at the hotel.”
“Wow. Sounds glamorous.” You teased.
“Yeah,” he replied dryly. “Living the dream.”
You smiled, shaking your head.
“Did you at least do something nice?”
“…I looked you up.” He said.
Your breath caught.
“I know that sounds-” he started quickly, a little awkward now. “I just… I don’t know. It hit me this morning. And I remembered what I said to you all those years back, and I realised I had no idea where you were, or what you were doing, or if you were even okay and-”
“Noah.” You interrupted gently, and he stopped. “I’m okay.” You said softly.
“…Yeah,” he whispered. “It sounds like you are.”
And there was something in the way he said it, like hearing your voice, hearing about your life, even the hard parts, had settled him.
“You found me.” You added quietly.
“Yeah,” he said, and you could hear the small smile in his voice now. “Took a stupid amount of effort, by the way. You’re hard to track down.”
You laughed softly.
“That’s kind of the point.”
“I figured,” he said. “Still didn’t stop me though.”
Of course it didn’t.
Another comfortable quiet settled between you again, like you both had so much to say but nothing at the same time.
“…Do you remember that night?” He asked suddenly.
Your heart skipped, and you didn’t even have to ask which one.
“Yeah,” you said softly. “I do.”
“Lying on the grass,” he continued, his voice quieter now, more distant- like he was there again. “Talking about how we kept messing everything up.”
“And you decided the solution was to make a pact.” You added, a small smile tugging at your lips.
“Yeah,” he chuckled, “We thought it was that simple, huh.”
You shook your head slightly, even though he couldn’t see.
“We were kids.” You said.
“Were we?” he asked softly, “It still feels like we’re just figuring things out.”
“Yeah,” you huffed a small laugh, “Tell me about it.”
He was quiet for a moment, like he was thinking, before he asked,
“…Does that change things?”
Your heart stuttered.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean the deal,” he clarified. “Us.”
You swallowed, your gaze drifting back to the monitor again, to your son sleeping so peacefully, with not a worry in the world.
“It changes everything.” You said honestly.
“…Okay,” he said softly, understanding. “That’s okay.”
“But it doesn’t mean…” You started, then stopped yourself, your heart suddenly racing.
“Doesn’t mean what?” He asked gently.
You hesitated, your thoughts all tangled.
“…I don’t know,” you admitted quietly. “I just… I don’t know what this is now.”
“We don’t have to go straight into anything,” Noah said softly. “We can just… talk,” he added. “Like this. Catch up. See where we are.”
You let out a slow breath, your shoulders relaxing just a little.
“Yeah… but I don’t even know where to start,” you admitted. “All I know is everything feels so complicated now.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
You huffed a small, almost disbelieving laugh.
“It kind of does. Because it’s not just me anymore. You can’t just… come back into my life and have it be simple,” you continued, “Because if you’re in my life, that means you’re in his too, and I…” you paused, swallowing. “I have to be careful about that.”
There was a small silence, but you knew it meant he was listening.
“I can’t bring people in and out of his life,” you said, “I can’t let him get attached to someone who might not stay. That’s not fair on him.” Your voice softened more, more quieter, more vulnerable. “We both know what that feels like.” You added.
That hung heavier between you, because it was true. You didn’t need to explain it. The inconsistency, the absence, the way it took something out of you when someone you trusted didn’t stick around. There was a longer pause this time, and for a second you wondered if you’d said too much, if maybe this was where things would go wrong-
“…You really think I’d do that?” Noah asked quietly.
“It’s not about you being a bad person, I know you better than anyone, or I did,” you added. “It’s just… life happens, Noah. Things don’t work out. I’ve learned that the hard way.”
“You seriously think I’d ever just leave?” He said, sounding a little offended. “Like I’d just show up, get close to you… to him… and then disappear?”
You swallowed, your heart starting to race.
“I didn’t say that.” You whispered.
“You didn’t have to,” he replied, softer now, but still holding onto that edge. “I know that’s what you’re worried about.”
You didn’t answer, because he wasn’t wrong. He exhaled slowly on the other end, like he was trying to rein it back in, trying to meet you where you were instead of pushing too hard.
“I get why you’re saying it,” he said after a moment. “I do. You’re not just thinking about yourself anymore, and that’s… that’s a good thing. That’s the best thing you can do.”
Your chest eased at that.
“But don’t put me in the same category as people who’ve left you,” he added, more quietly this time. “That’s not me.”
You swallowed hard.
“I know,” you said softly. “I do know that. It’s just… things are different now. You have your life, your career, you’re travelling all the time-”
“Yeah,” he cut in gently. “I go on tour. That’s not the same as leaving.”
You hesitated.
“But you left me all those years ago.”
There was a brief pause.
“…I know,” he said, like he was considering that. “But we both knew that was coming, for a long time. I was moving away for the band, you were staying behind because of college… I wouldn’t just disappear on you,” he continued, quieter now, more sincere. “Or him.”
“You don’t even know him yet.” You chuckled.
“No, but if you’d let me, I’d love to get to know him...” Noah replied simply. “Look, I’m not asking to just… jump into anything, I’m not expecting you to suddenly trust me with your whole life overnight. I just…” he exhaled. “I miss you. I’ve missed you ever since I left, ever since we stopped talking. I just don’t want you to shut it down before we even try.”
“I’m not shutting it down.” You said quietly.
“Then what are you doing?” He asked gently.
You hesitated, your gaze drifting back to the monitor again.
“I’m protecting my son...” You answered honestly.
There was another pause, then he spoke again, his voice still soft.
“…You think you can do that and still let me in a little?” He asked, “Not everything has to be all or nothing. We can take it slow. We can just talk when we can, maybe see each other eventually when the times right. But there’s no pressure, there’s no expectations. It’s just us, figuring it out again, as slowly as you need.”
You let out a slow breath, your mind still racing but your heart was softening… because that sounded manageable.
“You’d be okay with that?” You asked.
He huffed a quiet laugh.
“Are you kidding?” he said. “I just spent ten years without you. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me.”
────﹒♡﹒────
this story is now on my taglist (found on my pinned post) if you would like to be added :)
wc: 11.5k warnings: i haven’t had a chance to proof read this part yet, but it won on the poll so here it is!! like always, pregnancy and probably a whole lot of inaccuracy! noah calls reader his girlfriend and we don’t question it because that happened along the way!! alludes to sex in the beggining but nothing explicit. i have also tried to squeeze a lot into this chapter, which is why it’s so long 🥲
i know i said in the beginning this would be a five part series, but i'm thinking about making it a little longer. perhaps seven? since there's still a few things i want to happen before it finishes :(
“Do you have to leave?” You pouted, looking up at Noah through your lashes, your hand gently resting on his chest, feeling his heartbeat start to slow, returning to normal.
He looked down at you, his hair a mess from where your fingers had been tangled through it only moments ago, his cheeks still slightly flushed, but his eyes weren’t hungry and full of desire like they’d been just moments ago. All you saw in them now was sadness.
But he smiled anyway.
“I wish I didn’t have to,” he whispered, brushing a strand of hair out of your face, “Trust me.”
You let out a weak little laugh as you sat up.
“I considered hiding your passport.”
“...I’m pretty sure that’s a crime, babe.”
“So is leaving your pregnant girlfriend.”
That earned a little chuckle from him, though it faded as quick as it came. His fingertips brushed gently over your cheek, wiping away a tear you didn’t realise escaped.
“I really don’t want to go,” he confessed, holding you even tighter, “I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’ll just accept it and it’ll get easier.”
“And has it?”
“Pfft, of course not.”
You smiled sadly, and then moved, you rested your head against his shoulder, just letting him hold you while you sat there in silence, just listening to each other breathe. You were both trying to make the most of this last morning together, because in just a few hours, he’d be leaving. And he wouldn’t be back for two whole months…
You felt his hand slowly slide down your side until it reached your stomach, and he spread his fingers over the bump. You were now five months along, and your bump had become impossible to ignore.
“You’ve gotten bigger,” he whispered, his thumb slowly stroking your soft skin, “It’s been five months already, and I still can’t believe our little baby’s growing in there. Inside you.”
You smiled.
“Me too.”
“Y’know,” he said gently, “I’ve been trying to memorise it. The bump, the way you look… because when I come home, you’re gonna be different again.”
That made your heart hurt to think about, because while he was away your baby would keep growing, the bump would change, you would change… and he’d miss it all.
“I’ll send you pictures and videos every day,” you promised, “It’ll be like you never left.”
He smiled sadly, letting out a soft breath.
“I know, baby. But it isn’t the same, I just wish I could be here in person.”
You reached up and cupped his face in your hand, and he softly leaned into it.
“We’ll get through it.”
He nodded his head.
“I know. But I keep thinking stupid things… like what if the baby forgets my voice, or wonders where I’ve gone.”
You frowned, stroking his cheek with your thumb.
“You promised to call everyday, right? They’ll still hear your voice, I’ll even play your music around the house if we start to miss you.”
That made him smile, pressing a slow, soft kiss to your wrist, his lips lingering there for a second before his glossy eyes met yours again.
“C’mon, baby. We should probably take a shower.”
…
You stood beneath the warm water together, with Noah behind you, his arms wrapped around your waist and his chin resting on your shoulder. Neither of you spoke, the sound of the water rushing around you filled the silence.
His hands slowly slid over you until they rested on your bump, and he smiled to himself.
“I’ve become really attached to this, y’know.”
You laughed softly.
“My stomach?”
“Our baby,” his voice was just above a whisper, “Our little family.”
You let your eyes close. God, his hands were so gentle, so protective, like he was afraid of pressing too hard.
“You’ve done such a good job.” He said, pressing a kiss to your shoulder.
You turned your head slightly.
“So have you.”
He smiled against your skin.
“I’ve had the easy job.”
“You’ve looked after me.” You said with a little smile, “I wouldn’t say that’s an easy job.”
For a moment, he didn’t say anything. Then he gently spun you around, and crouched down in front of you. Your breath caught, watching the water trickle through his hair as he looked up at you with the softest eyes, and the most gentle smile.
His palms rested on either side of your tummy, and all he did was look, like he was trying to memorise this sight for the next two months on the road. Then, ever so gently, he leaned forward and pressed a kiss just below your belly button. Then another, and another, and his forehead lingered there afterwards.
“I’m gonna miss this so much.” He whispered.
“I know.” You frowned, your fingers running through his damp hair.
“Last time I left to play a couple shows I only had to leave you” he smiled sadly, “And that was hard enough. Now I have two people to say goodbye to.”
…
Somehow, the two of you ended up tangled in the sheets again after you got out of the shower. His damp hair left a little wet patch on the pillow while you rested your cheek against his chest, listening to the soft sound of his heartbeat.
You let your eyes fall shut, and for a moment you almost forgot. You almost forgot about the suitcase waiting by the front door, about the plane tickets in his wallet- but then his phone buzzed.
You felt your heart sink, and he let out a sigh.
“I should probably check that.”
You nodded against his chest… but neither of you made an effort to move. Until his phone buzzed again.
With another sigh, he blindly reached onto the nightstand until his fingers finally found it. He unlocked the screen, then all the colour drained from his face.
“...They’re here?” You whispered, pushing yourself to sit up beside him.
He swallowed, then set his phone back down.
“Yeah, that was Davis. He said he’s outside.”
You felt your eyes begin to fill with tears again, your bottom lip trembling…
“Oh, baby,” Noah frowned, pulling you closer to him again. “Hey, don’t cry.”
“I’m trying not to.” You said, your voice weak and wobbly.
“Everything’s gonna be okay, yeah? Just like we’ve been talking about.”
“I know.” You frowned, “But it’s just… saying goodbye is the hardest part.”
“I know, baby. I know.” He said, his thumbs brushing away your tears, “I hate feeling like I’m abandoning you.”
“You’re not.” You promised, followed by a little sniffle, “You’re just going to work.”
He nodded his head, his eyes searching yours.
“Yeah… and it won’t be long until I’m home. Then I can hug you again, kiss you again… talk to our baby again.”
“We’re already counting down the days.”
…
Eventually, you both got up and threw on whatever clothes were closest. The bedroom suddenly felt different, like every object in here now felt important. The mug he forgot to take downstairs, his hoodie hanging over your chair, the polaroid camera on your desk, the little stack of your bump photos beside it. His eyes lingered on them, then he walked over and picked up the most recent one.
“I’m taking this.” He said, smiling to himself as he tucked it into his wallet.
“You got the last scan photo too?” You asked, and he nodded.
“Always.” He said a little sadly, pulling it out of his wallet, along with a photo of you and him from New Years. “See, I’m taking my whole family with me.”
Your face softened as you walked up behind him, wrapping your arms around his waist.
“I’m so proud of you.” You whispered, “I hope you never forget that.”
HONK HOOONK
You both suddenly flinched, then Noah sighed.
“I can’t keep them waiting any longer.”
You shook your head.
“C’mon, I’ll walk you out.”
Noah nodded, picked his phone back up and made his way down the stairs. You took a breath and followed him a moment later, still trying to keep yourself composed.
He picked up his suitcase, then for a moment he didn’t move. He heard the sound of your footsteps slowly following behind him, and then he turned around.
He just looked at you for a moment without saying anything, but then his lips tugged into a sad smile, and he let go of the handle to walk over to you. He slowly crouched down onto one knee, his hands resting gently on either side of your bump.
“Hey, little one.” His voice was so soft it almost broke you. “Daddy’s gonna go play some shows… I’m gonna be gone for a while, but I promise I’m coming home.” He rubbed his thumb gently across your shirt. “I’m gonna miss you. Be good for mama, alright? Try to give her a break from the heartburn. And don’t grow too much while I’m gone…”
You pressed your lips together, trying desperately not to cry.
“I’ll be back before you know it.” He smiled. “And then hopefully you’ll kick me in the face like I’ve been asking.”
You laughed suddenly, though it sounded a little sad.
“Seriously?”
“Babe, I’ve waited months and I’ve still not felt it.” He chuckled, looking up at you.
He then leaned forward, and pressed the gentlest kiss to your bump.
“I love you.” Then another. “And I’ll miss you.” Then one last lingering kiss. “So so much.”
When he stood again, his own eyes were looking quite glossy, and he blinked quickly, trying to stop the tears… though he failed.
“Shit,” he shook his head. “I didn’t want to cry.”
“Me neither.” You chuckled, wiping at your own face.
“…I can’t make them wait forever.” He said eventually.
“No.” You reached for his hand. “C’mon, let’s go.”
He gave your hand a soft squeeze as he picked up his suitcase again, then you reached for the front door, carefully pulling it open. He just stood there for a second, and then he leaned in, giving you one last kiss. It was slow and tender, full of so much love and all the words he didn’t know how to say.
Then, when your lips finally parted, he rested his forehead against yours.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
He smiled sadly.
“I love you more.”
Then he slowly pulled back, and dragged the suitcase out the front door.
He started walking down the drive, towards Davis’s car, and you wondered if he’d turn back to wave one last time, or to blow you one last kiss. But he didn’t. Because he knew if he turned back now, he wouldn’t leave at all.
…
The house felt awfully silent after he left. You stood in the doorway for a long time after Davis’s car had driven off, as if you were expecting him to come back. But it was stupid. He wasn’t coming back. Not for two months.
You finally stepped back inside and pushed the door shut, locking it behind you… then wondered what now?
But then your phone buzzed suddenly from the kitchen table, where you had left it this morning, so you made your way over to it, and you smiled the second you saw the name on your screen.
Noah: I miss you already
You: You left two minutes ago.
Noah: Yeah. Longest two minutes of my life. I wanna be back in bed with you :(
You laughed through your tears, then another message appeared.
Noah: Did you lock the front door?
You rolled your eyes affectionately
You: Yes.
Noah: Have you taken your vitamins this morning?
You: No, I’ve been too busy in bed with you
Noah: 😏
Noah: Go take your vitamins baby, and make you sure you have something to eat. I’ll let you know when we get to the airport
You: Okay <3
You smiled despite yourself, and set your phone back down on the table, before crossing the kitchen. You kept your vitamins beside the coffee machine, somewhere that you won’t forget they’re there. You reached for them, then you grabbed a glass that was drying beside the sink, and filled it with some water.
In the time it took you to take the tablet, your phone buzzed three times.
You chuckled to yourself, reaching for it again. This time, Noah had sent you a couple pictures- one showed Davis was driving, Jolly was in the passenger seat, and the other showed Noah sandwiched between the Nicks.
Noah: Before you ask, Bryan isn’t tied to the roof. We’re meeting him at the airport.
You couldn’t help but laugh.
You: Yeah I don’t know if I believe that…
He then sent you another picture, where he was pouting way too dramatically.
Noah: I miss you :(
Your heart melted.
You: I miss you too
You: The house is too quiet, I don’t like it
…
An hour or two passed, and you would still receive the occasional text from Noah, asking you random questions, checking in on the baby, asking what you were up to- each time you’d give him the same answer. Nothing had changed since he last asked five minutes ago.
Then another twenty minutes passed, and you assumed he finally got to the airport. You tried to ignore the ache in your heart, knowing that soon he’d be boarding and he’d be unreachable for a while. You suddenly found yourself wishing the traffic was worse, or that time would just slow down.
But this was his job, and sooner or later, you’d have to get used to these goodbyes.
You tried to take your mind off of it. So you went upstairs to change the bedsheets, since you were sure they got a little messy earlier, but when you reached the bed you noticed the pillow was still slightly damp from Noah’s wet hair.
With a frown, you picked it up, and breathed in the scent. If this was how you were acting after a couple hours, what would you be like in a month's time?
You got the sheets changed though, sweaty, sticky sheets replaced by clean, fresh bedding for tonight. Though it’d only be you who would be sleeping in it.
As you were carrying the laundry basket down the stairs, there was a sudden knock on the door, which was strange- you weren’t expecting anyone.
Slowly, you made your way over and opened it, to reveal Davis stood on your porch, his hands shoved awkwardly into his hoodie pocket. Then he looked up at you and offered a small smile.
“…Hi.”
You blinked, a little confused.
“…Did Noah forget something?”
He laughed quietly.
“No.” Then he looked down at his feet a little awkwardly. “He just told me to come over.”
Your shoulders immediately softened.
“He what?”
“He asked me to come back after I dropped everyone off to make sure you’re okay.”
You couldn’t help smiling.
“Of course he did.”
Davis huffed a laugh.
“You don’t have to stand outside,” you said, stepping back. “Come in.”
“Only if you’re sure.”
“I am.”
He nodded and stepped inside, closing the door behind him. Then for a moment, neither of you said anything. It wasn't exactly awkward… just unfamiliar. You and Davis had always gotten along, but usually Noah was the one filling the silences with jokes or whatever stupid comments he had. Without him, everything felt quieter.
“So…” Davis said eventually. “How are you?”
You opened your mouth, ready to give the automatic answer. “I’m fine.”
But… that wasn’t the truth. You were tired, emotional, feeling lonely already. So instead you sighed.
“…I miss him.”
Davis nodded immediately.
“Yeah… I get that.” A sad smile crossed his face. “He spent the whole drive talking about you.”
Your heart squeezed.
“He did?”
“He was worried.” Davis chuckled softly. “Worried you’d overdo things around the house, or forget to eat, or you’d google symptoms and panic.”
You rolled your eyes.
“He’s got nothing to worry about. I’ll be fine.”
Davis smiled, but it was softer this time.
“Look…” He leaned casually against the kitchen counter. “I know Noah asked me to check in, but even if he didn't ask I would’ve anyway.”
You looked up.
“What?”
“You’ve become our friend too.” Davis said simply, “We all care about you. And I was worried… this is the first time he’s been away from you for this long, and it’s not just you he’s leaving this time.” He nodded to your tummy.
You suddenly felt a lump in your throat.
“So I just wanted to come over to let you know,” Davis continued, “If something breaks, or if you need help carrying groceries, or… if you’re just lonely.” He smiled softly, “I’m here. Just give me a call.”
“Davis…” You frowned, your eyes already glossy again. “You don’t have to do any of that-”
“I know.” He said with a gentle smile, “But I want to. Oh- and Noah said you’ve got a scan in a few days?”
You nodded your head.
“Yeah, it’s the 20 week scan. Even though it’s a few weeks late… it’s just to check to make sure everything’s okay now I’m over halfway along.”
“Oh, cool.” He said, “D’you know how you’re getting to the hospital? I heard your cars off the road at the moment?”
“Yeah,” you sighed, “Steve’s looking at it this week. He told me he could take me to the hospital but I’d be waiting around for a while, so I kinda-”
“I’ll take you.” He offered with no hesitation.
A little smile grew on your lips.
“You’d do that?”
“Of course,” he nodded, “Only if you want me to, of course.”
“Yeah… yeah, that’d be great! Thank you so much!”
“No worries,” he smiled, “...I could come in with you too if you wanted. Or would that make it weird?”
“No,” you shook your head, “That won’t be weird. I’d love that! I was worried I’d have to do it alone… I’m also gonna ask about the gender. Has Ruffilo told you about our plan?”
Davis raised an eyebrow.
“No…? What plan?”
“I’m gonna come out to visit Noah on tour, and we’re gonna throw a gender reveal party!”
…
So, just as planned, a few days later, Davis turned up at your place ten minutes early to pick you up for the appointment. Noah had been messaging you all morning, wishing you luck, telling you to make sure you keep the gender a secret from him until he’s home. He had told you, even before leaving, that he doesn’t want to find something like that out over the phone, he wants you to wait until he comes back- little does he know, he’ll be finding out in just a few weeks anyway!
You’d slowly been adjusting to how life works when Noah’s on the road. Every night, you facetime while he’s in the tour van. Every morning, you wake up to a text and a pretty picture of the sunrise. He had even been honest with you last night and told you there was a girl trying to get his number after one of the shows, and he had turned her away, and sent her straight to Folio instead.
You didn’t have a single worry about Noah and other girls. If the last five months had proved anything to you, it’s that he is not the guy he used to be, and wouldn’t even think about looking at another girl, when he knows you’re at home growing his little baby in your belly.
You sent him one last message as Davis parked up at the hospital.
You: Just got to the hospital, I know the signals pretty bad in there so I’ll call you when I’m out. I love you <3
Noah: Good luck baby, I wanna hear all about it when you’re done.
Noah: Fuck I wish I could’ve been there with you. Tell Davis I owe him big time
You chuckled as you tucked your phone away in your handbag, and unbuckled your seatbelt.
“Noah texting you?” Davis asked as he got out of the car.
“Yeah,” you smirked as you got out and shut the passenger door, “He says he owes you big time, apparently.”
Davis scoffed.
“I’m not doing this for him,” he said, “I’m doing this for you. I hated the thought of you having to come here alone.”
You looked up at Davis as the two of you walked side by side towards the entrance.
“Y’know, if you keep this up, I might just name the baby after you if it’s a boy.” You smirked.
“Damn, poor kid.” Davis laughed, making you frown.
“What?”
“You seriously wanna call your first born child Davis Davis?”
“Hey, who said I’m letting them have Noah’s last name!” You laughed.
“...Have you even talked about names yet?” Davis asked, his tone a little more serious now.
“Not really.” You sighed as you walked through the automatic doors, and were immediately hit with the smell of hospital. “All I know is since he started watching Peaky Blinders, Noah likes the name Tommy for a boy. If you even think I’m letting him name our baby after a fictional character-”
“It could’ve been worse,” Davis smirked, “He could’ve chosen a name from Naruto.”
You shook your head.
“Don’t you dare give him any ideas.” You chuckled.
“...What about you, though? What names do you like?”
You thought for a moment, because it’s never something you really took seriously.
You had a list of names in your notes app from years ago that you chose when you were hormonal and decided maybe you did want kids one day. But you never really thought it’d ever become real, and there would be a little human in your arms in a few months that you have to give a name to.
“...I don’t know, to be honest. For a girl, I’ve always liked the name Evelyn… it’s my aunt Linda’s middle name, and I always thought it sounded so pretty. It could even be shortened to Eve or Evie, which I think is cute. And for a boy… pfft, I have no idea.”
“Anything but Davis.” Davis smirked, making you chuckle.
By the time you reached reception, your feet were aching but you still couldn’t stop smiling. You talked to the receptionist, who somehow recognised you, and she let you know Mandy was running a few minutes behind, so you and Davis took a seat in the waiting room.
There were only a few other people in the waiting room. One woman was heavily pregnant, absentmindedly rubbing the side of her bump while her partner was glued to his phone screen. Then there was another girl, she was all alone, and she looked quite young- she couldn’t have been any older than nineteen. She looked terrified, and it reminded you of how you felt back in the beginning.
“You okay?” Davis asked, noticing where you were looking.
You nodded your head as you sat down in one of the chairs.
“Yeah, I just… I still remember coming here for the first scan. I was scared, I think Noah was even more scared though,” you chuckled, “But I’ll never forget the look on his face when we first saw the little squiggle on the screen and the sound of the heartbeat. I never knew it was possible to be so in love with something- someone I’ve never met before.”
Davis let out a soft sigh, a frown tugging at his mouth.
“He hates that he’s missing this, y’know?”
You nodded.
“I know. I had to listen to him try not to cry on the phone last night… you’d think it was him with the pregnancy hormones.” You chuckled, trying to play it off. “I wish-”
But then, you suddenly felt your baby give a little kick. It was strong enough to make you stop mid-sentence.
“Oh my god!” You froze, your eyes shooting down to your belly.
“What?” Davis asked, slightly panicked.
“The baby just kicked again!” You laughed. “That’s something else that Noah’s pissed about. He’s never felt them kick him yet…”
“Really?”
You shook your head.
“It makes me feel bad for him,” you sighed, “He’s tried so hard. He’s played music to them, he’s talked to them, he’s tried to work out when they’re awake and most active… he’s even tried poking the bump to see if they’ll kick back but they still haven't.”
Davis frowned, about to say something, when all of a sudden your name was called. The two of you looked up, and Mandy the sonographer was there, stood in the doorway with a warm smile.
“Ready?” She asked, making your stomach flutter.
“Yep.” You nodded, standing carefully.
“No Noah today?” She asked, giving Davis a rather confused look.
“No… he wishes he could’ve been here, but he’s working. This is Davis, a friend of ours.”
She laughed, nodding her head.
“It’s so nice to see you’ve got a lot of support.” Mandy smiled as she led the two of you down the hallway, before pushing one of the doors open, “Come on in.”
The room looked almost identical to the one from your twelve week scan. The lights were dimmed and the ultrasound machine was in the same corner, the large monitor mounted high enough that you could see it from the bed, with a second small screen facing Mandy as she worked.
It felt a little bittersweet. As excited as you were about this scan, you couldn’t help but think back to the last time you were here, when Noah was by your side, his hand wrapped so tight around yours that you teased him about cutting off the circulation to your fingers.
“Everything alright?” Mandy asked gently when she noticed how far away you were in your mind. You looked up and gave her a smile.
“Yeah,” you nodded, “It just… it feels strange without Noah.”
Mandy’s face softened.
“I remember the last time you were both here, he was the sweetest dad-to-be.”
You nodded your head.
“He still is… he hates that he’s missing this.” You said as your eyes grew glossy again.
“Don’t you worry,” Mandy smiled, “I’ll make sure we get lots of lovely pictures for him.”
“Thank you.” You smiled, then you spotted Davis, standing hesitantly by the door.
“Uh… before I come in, you don’t have to get naked… right?” He asked, seeming rather frightened.
You and Mandy both laughed.
“No!” You grinned, “Come in.”
“Oh, good.” You watched the relief wash over him, it was almost comical.
“So you’re Davis, right?” Mandy asked.
He nodded proudly.
“Yep. I’m the baby’s future uncle.”
You looked at him with a smile, and Mandy chuckled.
“It’s lovely that you came with her.”
“I couldn’t let her come on her own.” Davis said, his voice a little softer.
“Alright then,” Mandy said as she rubbed her hands together gently, “Let’s have a look at this little one.”
You climbed carefully onto the bed, your bump making the movement slightly more awkward than it used to be. Davis carefully pulled the chair closer so he’d be beside you rather than tucked away in the corner, sitting exactly where Noah would’ve been.
It made you smile.
“What?” He asked with a breathy chuckle.
“Nothing.” You said, “Just… thanks for coming.”
He simply nodded.
“Of course.”
Mandy rolled her chair over to you, asking for permission before gently pushing up your tshirt. She then squeezed some gel onto your belly, the sudden coolness making you flinch.
“Sorry,” she chuckled, “I should’ve given you a warning.”
“It’s okay.” You smiled as she reached for the wand.
“Ready?” She asked, and you gave her a quick nod of your head.
She lowered the wand onto your stomach, and for a second it was just static and grey shapes. Until…
“There they are!” She grinned as the image became more clear.
Your breath caught.
“Oh…”
Your baby filled far more of the screen now, gone was the tiny little potato you’d first fallen in love with. Instead, there was a proper little baby curled comfortably inside you with their little legs tucked up, with one tiny arm resting beside their face. You could even make out the shape of their nose.
“It- they’ve gotten so big…” You whispered. Suddenly now, it feels even more real that there’s a tiny little person in your tummy.
“They certainly have.” Mandy smiled.
Davis stared at the monitor in awe, his mouth hanging open slightly.
“That’s…” He stopped. “They’re…”
You looked over at him, and he looked completely speechless.
“…That’s a baby.” He finally said.
You couldn’t help but laugh.
“Yes, Davis. This baby’s been inside me for… five months.”
“I know but…” He pointed at the screen. “…But that’s actually a baby.”
You laughed harder.
“What did you expect?”
“I dunno. I thought it’d still look like a jellybean… or like a little blob.”
Instead, the baby wriggled and stretched their leg out on the screen as if to prove him wrong even further. It made you smile, and your heart had never felt so full.
“They’ve been moving constantly today.” You told Mandy, who smiled as she studied the screen.
“They must be very happy.”
Almost as if the baby knew you were watching, they lifted one little hand, that seemed to push gently against the side of your uterus. Your own hand instinctively settled over the matching spot on your bump.
“There you are…” You whispered, feeling such an overwhelming sense of connection to them all of a sudden, and your eyes filled with tears before you could stop it.
Mandy spent the next several minutes taking measurements while you and Davis watched the screen. Occasionally Mandy would explain what she was measuring as she clicked some buttons.
“That’s the head… it seems to be a perfect size.” Click. “Beautiful heartbeat…” Click. “Lovely spine…” Click. “Everything’s measuring exactly as we’d hoped.”
You let out a breath of relief that you didn’t even realise you were holding.
“You’ve got a very cooperative baby today.” Mandy smiled. “They’re making my job easy.”
“They definitely don’t do that for me.” You laughed. “They start kicking the second I try to sleep.”
“You sure that’s not Noah?” Davis chuckled, making you roll your eyes playfully before suddenly remembering something.
“Also… are we able to find out the gender today? You asked, “We want to throw a party and surprise Noah… he’s on tour with his band at the moment, and I’m going out to visit him next month.”
“Of course.” Mandy nodded, “Would you like me to tell you today, or would you rather I write it down and put it in an envelope.”
You bit your lip as you thought about it, then you looked over at Davis.
“I don’t want to know.” He suddenly said, “I just know I’ll accidentally say something and spoil it.”
You laughed, shaking your head.
“I’d like to know, please.” You told Mandy, who gave you a big smile.
“Then let’s have a look.” She adjusted the wand ever so slightly on your belly.
Your stomach flipped. This was it. In just a few moments, you were going to know something about your baby that Noah- and everyone else- didn’t. A tiny little secret that you’d keep all the way up until you saw him again.
You watched Mandy study the screen with a look of concentration. She adjusted the wand a few times, clicked a few buttons, then smiled to herself.
“Hm.”
“What?” You asked immediately, panic creeping into your voice.
She looked up with a reassuring smile.
“Oh, nothing’s wrong.” You visibly relaxed. “I’ve just got exactly the view I need.”
She picked up the small cream envelope from beside the keyboard and laid it open on the desk, ready. Then she looked back at you.
“I’m going to write it down, then I’ll quickly show you before putting it in the envelope. Is that okay?”
You nodded. Now, your mouth had gone completely dry. Your fingers carefully rested at the top of your bump. You looked back up at the screen, and your baby wriggled again, completely unaware that they were the centre of yours and Noah’s entire universe now.
A tiny foot stretched out, and a little hand lifted up towards their face. You smiled so softly your cheeks hurt.
“Hi, baby.” You whispered.
Mandy leaned a little closer to you.
“So…” She picked up the little piece of card with one word scribbled down on it, and your heart beat so loud in your chest you were afraid she could hear it.
She flashed you the card, and you read the word. Your eyes widened. For just a heartbeat, you simply stared at the screen, then your entire face softened.
A tiny, breathless laugh escaped you.
“Oh… wow…” Your free hand flew to your mouth.
Tears immediately filled your eyes as you looked down at your bump, then back at the little person on the monitor.
“Oh, sweetheart…” The words slipped out, and your shoulders shook with quiet, happy laughter. “I can’t believe it…”
Just beside you, Davis cracked one eye open just enough to look at your face.
“…You know?”
You nodded quickly, still smiling through tears.
“I know.”
He smiled so wide, like you’ve never seen before.
“Good?”
You laughed.
“So good.”
Mandy then carefully slipped the card into the envelope and sealed it, then wrote neatly across the front…
Baby Y/L/N - Davis
Mandy also printed several scan photographs, laying them carefully on the desk one by one.
“This one’s lovely.” She pointed to one of the pictures. “And this one…” Another print slid out. “…almost looks like they’re waving.”
You picked them up carefully, your thumb brushing over the glossy paper. Every appointment left you wondering how it was possible to love someone you’d never even met, and somehow every appointment, you loved them even more.
“Thank you.” You said to Mandy as she handed you paper towels to wipe the gel off your belly.
“My pleasure.” She smiled.
As you climbed off the bed, your phone buzzed inside your handbag. You didn’t need to look to know who it was. Noah had probably been counting down the minutes, wondering if everything was okay, desperate to ask the one question you weren’t going to answer.
You smiled to yourself. Just a little while longer.
…
The weeks without Noah didn’t exactly get easier. You thought they would, you thought you’d get used to not having him around… but instead you just learned how to cope with missing him.
Your chest no longer ached the way it did the morning he’d left, when you’d stood in the driveway watching Davis’s car disappear around the corner until it was completely out of sight. Back then, every room in the house had felt wrong without him in it.
But now you knew more about your baby, you didn’t feel so alone. It was silly, you lived alone before meeting Noah, you never thought you could miss someone like this, and now your house doesn’t feel like home without him.
Your bump was impossible to ignore now you were six months along. People smiled at you in supermarkets, cashiers asked when you were due, and random strangers felt the need to tell you their birth stories while you stood in the line to buy cereal. One older lady had even gently patted your arm before saying, “Enjoy every second, sweetheart. It goes quicker than you think.”
You’d smiled politely, then went home and cried because how could time possibly be going quickly? You wanted Noah home. Now.
Your little one had settled into a routine now though, they seemed to wake up just as you were trying to fall asleep. Every. Single. Night.
You’d lie there with one hand over your stomach, feeling the occasional tiny little kick against your palm. Sometimes you’d whisper, “Your dad would love this.” Other times you’d record the movement on your phone so Noah wouldn’t miss it.
Half the videos ended with you laughing because the moment you pressed record, the kicking stopped. Noah was convinced they were doing it on purpose, so you didn’t dare tell him Nick and Davis had seen the baby kick before him.
You found it hard to sleep for the first week after Noah left, the bed felt too empty and you could never get comfy. So, the pregnancy pillow Noah had bought before he left had become your favourite possession. Not because it was particularly comfortable- although it was- but because of what he’d done to it.
The black band shirt that he stretched over it still smelled a little like him. He sprayed it with his cologne before leaving, but you had fallen asleep cuddled up to it so much that it was starting to fade. Every night, you’d wrap your arms around it, sometimes without even thinking about it, and you’d smile as you’d drift off.
But on the harder nights, you’d find yourself with your face buried against the cotton, your eyes squeezed shut as you tried to pretend just a few minutes that it was Noah’s chest beneath your cheek instead. But it wasn’t the same, it never would be.
But it helped you fall asleep nonetheless.
He’d somehow known those nights would happen, which is why he left you all the notes. At first, you’d promised yourself you wouldn’t open them unless you really needed them… but that promise lasted a week.
The first one you’d opened was labelled: Open when you miss me. Inside was a polaroid of the two of you taken by Jesse one evening at his place during a party, it was a few months ago, back when no one else besides you two knew you were pregnant, the baby was just your little secret. In the photo, you were laughing with your eyes closed, and Noah wasn’t looking at the camera, he was looking at you.
On the note, he’d written in his messy handwriting:
I know a photo isn’t the same as a cuddle, but until I get home, this is the next best thing.
I miss you more.
You’d cried, then felt silly and laughed at yourself for crying, then you cried again.
You had read through the label of each note in the box, and one of them read open when you’re scared. You hadn’t touched that one yet, and just knowing it was there somehow made you feel braver. You hadn’t once felt scared during this time, but you knew that would soon change.
…
The baby had slowly begun taking over the house. It started simple, a few things Linda had brought over, a pack of bottles, a pair of tiny socks you’d bought when you were shopping for maternity clothes because you couldn’t help yourself… then came teddy bears, books, a little white onesie with a tiny giraffe stitched across the front that Davis insisted on buying when the two of you went out shopping for groceries.
You had set aside one drawer in your bedroom for baby things, but it was getting fuller and fuller. You’d washed every single item before carefully folding it away, and sometimes you’d find yourself just standing there, holding something so little and soft, trying to imagine the tiny person who’d eventually wear it.
It still felt unbelievable. Sometimes you still couldn’t believe this was real… but each day, it only became realer.
One Saturday morning, there was a knock on your door. You already knew who it would be, so you rushed down the stairs to answer it.
When you opened it, Davis was standing there, and behind him you could see your uncle Steve climbing out of his van.
Steve looked between the two of you as he walked up the driveway.
“So…” He grinned, clapping his hands together, “Which room are we destroying, kid?”
You laughed.
“Hopefully none of them.” You smiled as you led them up the stairs.
Your spare bedroom had become what every spare bedroom eventually became… a dumping ground- or as you like to call it, extra storage space. It's where you kept boxes of Christmas decorations, suitcases, a broken chair… there was barely even enough room to walk through it.
Steve stood in the doorway with his hands on his hips.
“Jesus, what happened here?”
“I know.” You groaned, a little embarrassed.
“Didn’t realise you’ve been hoarding.”
“I haven’t!”
Steve didn’t look very convinced.
So, for the next few hours, the three of you worked on clearing the room out. Steve carried the heavy furniture downstairs without breaking a sweat, Davis followed behind with boxes stacked almost to his chin.
“Go sit down, leave us to it.” Steve insisted, pointing towards your room.
“I’ve been sitting down all morning!”
“And now you’re gonna sit down all afternoon.”
“Steve!”
“Hey, no arguments.”
You sighed dramatically before sitting yourself down on the top step of the stairs. And almost immediately, you felt your baby kick. You suddenly smiled, and Steve noticed, confused at the sudden switch up in your attitude.
“Everything alright?”
You nodded.
“They’re just reminding me they’re helping.” You smiled, making him chuckle.
“Already supervising us, huh?”
You were amazed that by late afternoon, the room was almost unrecognisable. The boxes had been put away in the loft, old furniture had either been put in Steve’s van to be donated or to get rid of. And sunlight poured through the now-uncovered window.
For the first time since you’d moved into the house, the room echoed. You stood in the doorway, one hand resting beneath your bump, still in disbelief.
“It’s empty.”
“Not for long.” Davis said, appearing by your side, making you smile.
“No…”
You looked around the room slowly, and you could almost picture it. A bassinet against the wall, a changing table opposite it, little books lined up on the shelves, a rocking chair in the corner where Noah would no doubt fall asleep during late night feeds.
You swallowed hard, trying to fight against the lump in your throat.
“This…” You whispered. “…This is going to be their room.”
Steve wrapped an arm around your shoulders for a brief squeeze.
“It is.” He smiled. “And before you know it, this house is going to feel very, very full.”
Your eyes drifted down to your bump, and thought about how every day, your baby grew a little bigger. Every day, the nursery became a little more real. And every day, you counted one day closer to Noah coming home to see it all.
You thanked Davis and Steve for the help. And they offered to help with the rest- painting, building furniture, organising everything- but you told them you had it under control. You wanted to wait until Noah was home, so the two of you could do it together.
…
Before you knew it, it was the morning of the gender reveal party. You barely slept the night before- not because the baby had been particularly active, although they’d managed a few enthusiastic kicks around three in the morning, but because every time you closed your eyes, you imagined Noah’s face.
You pictured it in a hundred different ways. Confused, shocked, crying, laughing, happy- or maybe all of them at once. The thought of knowing he was about to find out was enough to keep you awake, and it took so much for you not to just text him.
When your alarm finally went off, you were already staring at the ceiling. You smiled as you gently settled your hand over your bump.
“Today’s the day.” You whispered, and after a few moments, a tiny kick answered you. “I know. I’m excited too.”
You climbed carefully out of bed with a big grin, stretching slowly before wandering into the bathroom to take a shower.
After getting out, you struggled to find an outfit to wear. Half your clothes didn’t fit you now, and the other half felt too casual for the occasion. Though you doubted anything would be too casual, since Noah would most likely be turning up unaware in just a tshirt, his shorts that had a hole in them, and a pair of flip flops.
So you reached for a pair of leggings, and a hoodie that Noah left behind.
Your phone buzzed as you were pulling on a pair of socks, and when you glanced at it, you saw his name pop up on the screen.
Noah: Morning beautiful ❤️
Noah: Big show tonight, I wish you were here :(
You smiled to yourself, if only he knew.
You: Good luck, you’ll smash it ❤️
Noah: I’m a little busy today so I might not get a chance to text until after the show
Noah: Just know you’re on my mind all day every day. I can’t wait to come home and kiss you again and hold you in my arms. Fuck I’m getting emotional just thinking about it
You: It’s okay. Take care of yourself, I love you
Noah: I love you more.
You smiled to yourself as you put your phone down, but then picked it right back up again because someone was calling.
Davis is calling…
“Hey.” You answered it with a smile.
“Hi, I thought I’d let you know I’m about to leave. I’ll be at your place in ten. Will you be ready or do you need a little longer?”
“I’ll be ready.” You said, your eyes drifting over to the little polaroid of you and Noah from New Years on your dresser, “I don’t think I can wait any longer.”
…
The drive felt a lot longer than it probably was, because you knew every mile brought you closer to Noah, to the surprise, to finally seeing him again. You even spent most of the journey talking about what might happen.
“What if he figures it out? Or if someone accidentally tells him?”
“They won’t.”
“What if he recognises your car?”
“We’re parking miles away.”
“What if-”
“Hey, you need to calm down.” Davis laughed, “You’re in panic mode. Everything is gonna be fine, you’ll be fine, Noah’s gonna be fine. It’s gonna be okay.”
You let out a long breath, nodding your head.
“Okay.”
Two and a half hours later, you were in the same city as Noah, and you couldn’t help but wonder what he’s doing right now. Was he setting up equipment? Complaining about soundcheck? Taking a nap before the show?
Davis purposely parked a few streets away from the venue.
“No chance he’ll see us here.” He said, and you put all your trust in him.
You climbed carefully out of the car, and your bump immediately earned a smile from an elderly woman walking past, and you smiled back. Then your phone buzzed with a message from Ruffilo.
Nick: Where are you two?
You replied with a picture of where you were, apologising because you’ve never been here before so you weren’t even sure yourself.
Nick: Oh I know where that is! Stay where you are
It didn’t take long for Nick to appear, wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap, despite the cloudy weather. He looked around suspiciously, before hurrying over.
“Are you in a disguise?” You chuckled, and Nick nodded.
“If any of the guys from the other bands spot me, I’m toast! They’ll talk and it’ll get back to Noah, so we’ve got to be speedy.”
You couldn’t help but laugh.
“Okay, what’s the plan?”
Nick clapped his hands together, before pointing at Davis.
“You are picking up the cake.” He ordered, “I’ll send you the address. I thought it made sense because you’ve got a car, and we don’t want to drop it outside the venue and ruin the surprise.”
Davis nodded his head, then Nick turned to you.
“And our job is to find a store that sells decorations.”
“Okay.” You chuckled, nodding your head.
“We’ve not got any time to waste,” Nick said, “The show starts in a couple hours. We’re the first band on, so while we’re on stage, it’ll be up to you and Davis to sneak all this in.”
You and Davis nodded, then you went your separate ways. You and Nick managed to find a party store, and while you weren’t sure if they’d sell gender reveal party decorations, you agreed that baby shower ones would work fine instead.
Nicholas grabbed a basket from the stack as you walked through the door, and you followed him around until you found the display of balloons. He picked up a pack of blue and a pack of pink balloons, and some confetti. The store didn’t have much, but it didn’t matter. You told Nick it’d be fine, and that there probably wouldn’t be much room for decorations anyway.
Just as you both stepped up to pay for the few items, your phone buzzed. For a moment, you were afraid it’d be Noah… but thankfully, it was Davis.
Davis: Just picked the cake up, and I didn’t drop it on the way back to the car
Davis: But it looks amazing.
You smiled to yourself and turned to Nick.
“Do we even know where we’re putting this all up?”
Nick took the bag from the cashier, and you followed him back outside.
“...Yeah!” He said, though you’ve known him long enough to tell when he was lying.
“Where then?”
Nicholas snapped his fingers, his eyes widening as he stopped in his tracks to face you.
“There’s a dressing room!”
“Yeah?”
He nodded.
“The only thing is… it’s locked.”
“Oh,” you frowned, “Do you guys have a key?”
Nick was quiet for a moment while he thought, then he pulled his phone from his pocket. He found Bryan’s contact and began typing.
Nick: Bry, I’ve got a job for you. It’s top secret shit and Noah CAN’T find out about it
Bryan: ?
Nick: Y/n is here, we’re surprising Noah after the show
Nick: But it’s not just any surprise, it’s a gender reveal party too. And we kinda need to get into the dressing room to set it up
Nick: Is there any way you can try and get a key without anyone noticing?
The two of you just stared at the screen, waiting for his reply…
Bryan: No way!! Noah’s gonna love that. He’s been missing home quite a lot today
Bryan: I’ll see what I can do. But you owe me for this
Nick: Thanks Bry 😘
…
You, Nick and Davis were all hiding around the back of the venue, where the bands had vans parked for later, when they’d load their stuff back in again. You were patiently waiting for Bryan to open the door and let you all in so you knew the coast was clear.
And when he did, your heart began racing in anticipation. The door swung open and Bryan waved you three in.
“Okay, Noah’s talking through something with the sound guy and I’ve got the key, but we gotta move quick!”
You all rushed to follow him down the hallway, until you reached a door. You could hear Noah talking, and your heart ached, you wished you could’ve just spoiled the surprise, run in and wrap your arms around him. You’d do anything to be in his arms, to kiss him, to hold him, to just see him again in person…
But instead, you tried not to listen. Bryan unlocked the door as quietly as he could, glancing over his shoulder every few seconds.
“Hurry.”
Nicholas slipped inside first, taking the bag of decorations from your hands before Davis carefully followed with the cake balanced carefully in his arms. Then you stepped inside last.
What happened to ladies first, huh? At least your Noah was a gentleman…
The dressing room was smaller than you expected it to be, you expected vanity tables and mirrors lined with lightbulbs. But the reality was a desk in the corner of the room, a long mirror on the wall and a worn grey sofa. How glamorous.
“This is perfect!” Nick smiled, hands on his hips and he looked around the room.
Bryan nodded.
“Let me know if you guys need anything.”
Then, just as Bryan reached to close the door, a voice echoed down the corridor.
“…Bryan?”
Your heart stopped. You recognised that voice immediately.
Noah.
Bryan’s eyes widened.
“Shit!”
He quickly pulled the door shut, so you guessed Noah couldn’t see him just yet.
Everyone in the dressing room froze, trying not to make a sound, not even breathing. You could hear Noah’s footsteps getting closer and closer, and your pulse started to race.
“Who were you talking to?” Noah asked.
Bryan didn’t miss a beat.
“Oh, I was just sending Nick a voice note. He said he uh… he thinks he has food poisoning, poor guy.”
There was a pause.
“Oh, shit. Is he okay to play tonight?”
“Oh yeah!” Bryan sounded sure of himself, “Yeah, give him twenty minutes and he’ll be fine again.”
Noah raised an eyebrow, a little suspicious.
“Where is he?”
Bryan shrugged.
“In the bathroom, I hope.”
You bit the inside of your cheek to stop yourself laughing, and Nick was pulling a very disgusted face.
Then Noah sighed.
“Okay. Well, I’m gonna call y/n and check in. I fucking hate this, man.”
Bryan nodded sympathetically.
“Only one month left. 20 shows, then you’ll be home.”
“But I’ve already missed so much,” Noah said, “She’s carrying my baby, and I don’t feel like I’ve even been there for it.”
You have, you told him in your mind, you’ve been amazing.
Then Noah sighed again, and you could hear his footsteps starting to walk away.
“There’s no point feeling sorry for myself.” He said, and then you couldn’t hear the rest of the conversation, his voice fading away.
“Well, that was close.” Davis laughed as Nick finally let himself breathe again.
“Shit, I thought he was gonna catch us.”
“So did I.” You admitted, “And now what am I supposed to do when he calls me?”
Both the guys just looked at you, before answering at the same time,
“Don’t answer.”
“Tell him you were in the shower.” Davis said.
“Or driving.” Nick added.
You nodded your head. You’ve never missed one of his calls before, so you didn’t want to worry him if you didn’t pick up. But if he were to worry, it wouldn’t be for long…
“Okay,” you said, suddenly changing the subject, “We need to get this place ready.”
Nick nodded, then handed a pack of balloons over to Davis.
“Dude,” Davis groaned, “Why can’t you blow them up?”
Nicholas shrugged.
“I have a table to set up.”
You grinned, clasping your hands together.
“So what’s my job?”
“You’re the one growing the baby, you don’t need to do anything else.”
You smirked, then sat down on the couch.
“I can’t complain about that.”
…
Davis was red in the face from just how many balloons he’d blown up, and Nick had set the table up beautifully. Once he was done, he was ready to start bossing Davis around again, telling him how many balloons to tie together with which coloured ribbon and where to put them.
“Higher.”
Davis stretched up on his tiptoes.
“Higher than that.”
“I’m six foot two, Nick!”
Nick smirked.
“Then put that to use, big boy.”
You giggled from your spot on the couch, taking a sip of the water Bryan just had to smuggle into the dressing room for you. Then you watched Nick go back to the table, he was being a perfectionist about it. He rearranged the paper plates and napkins on the desk again, then stepped back to look at his work.
And the moment he smiled, his phone vibrated on the table. He glanced at the screen and immediately swore under his breath.
“What?” You asked.
“It’s Bryan.” He sighed, before reading the message aloud. “Need you for band promo shots before the show. Right now.” Nick frowned. “I don’t want to leave.”
Davis snorted.
“Go do your job, man. Noah’s gonna get suspicious again otherwise.”
Nicholas hurriedly grabbed his hoodie.
“Okay, okay, listen.” He started pointing around the room. “Balloons in that corner. There’s still some pink and blue confetti in the bag that needs to go on the table. Everything else stays exactly where it is. That includes you, missy.” He pointed at you.
“Okay,” you laughed, “Thank you for this Nick. You’ve made this really special for us.”
Nick’s expression softened, but there was still a little playful glint in his eyes.
“It’s not even happened yet.”
“I know,” you chuckled, “But thank you anyway, in advance.”
“You’re very welcome,” he said, bowing his head with a little smile, “If you’re a part of Noah’s family… then you’re a part of ours too.”
That warmed your heart, and even made you feel a little emotional. But you couldn't say anything back to that, as Nick was already heading out of the door with a see ya! Before disappearing.
Then suddenly, it was just you and Davis. And without Nick, the room felt a lot quieter… not that you minded.
For a moment, neither of you moved, but then Davis took a look around again.
“I guess it’s time to do the finishing touches.” He said, and you rose to your feet.
“I’m helping, I don’t care what Nick said.” You said, your hands on your hips, earning a laugh from Davis.
You worked together surprisingly well. Davis fixed the balloons while you confetti-ed the table even more. It wasn’t much, but you didn’t have the budget for something big and extravagant. You didn’t want that either.
To you, this was perfect.
Once you had both finished, you looked around the room thinking what now… You checked the time and let out a long groan.
“There’s still two hours until they go on stage.”
Davis looked at his phone.
“Yep. And they usually play for thirty minutes.”
“Fuck, so what are we supposed to do for two and a half hours?”
He looked around.
“Take a nap?”
“Great plan.”
…
The waiting was the hardest part, and for some reason, those two and a half hours felt like a lifetime. You sat on the couch again, while Davis sat on the floor leaning against it, playing a game on his phone.
Every now and then you could hear muffled sounds through the walls. Drum checks, someone laughing in the corridor, people shouting over music playing from another room. You listened in, trying to imagine what was going on out there…
But then your phone buzzed.
Noah ❤️: You alive?
Noah ❤️: You missed my call, I hope everything’s okay <3
You bit your lip, and quickly typed,
You: Sorry! I was driving.
Noah ❤️: Where were you driving?
You froze, trying to come up with a lie…
You: I met up with my friends :)
You: But now I’m home. I hope you have a good show tonight 😚
Noah didn’t reply, so you assumed he was suddenly busy again.
…
Time was crawling. The guys were about to get off stage any moment now. You could hear the music through the walls, and you recognised the final song…
Fuck, any moment now…
Your heart was racing to the point it almost made you feel sick. You closed your eyes for a second to try and steady yourself, and imagined him out there. His hair damp with sweat, a big grin on his face, hundreds of people singing his words back to him, and completely unaware that only a few rooms away, his entire world was waiting for him.
You started pacing, and Davis just watched from the sofa, one ankle resting over the other knee, looking amused.
“How many laps have you done now?”
You looked down at the carpet.
“…Eighteen?”
He snorted.
“Sit down before you wear a hole in the floor.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes you can, c’mon.”
He reached a hand out, and pulled you closer, until you sat down beside him. You smiled despite yourself, then you heard the crowd cheer again, and Noah shout something out.
The baby kicked at his voice.
“Oh!” You laughed.
“What?” Davis sat forward immediately.
You pressed a hand to the side of your bump, smiling.
“They heard their daddy.”
As if to prove your point, another kick landed against your palm, and Davis’s expression softened.
“They’re excited too.”
You swallowed hard.
“I think so.”
Then the music stopped, and all you could hear was cheers and applause and whistles. They must’ve just come off the stage.
Then applause began to fade, and footsteps thudded down the corridor.
You exhaled shakily, reaching for Davis’s hand and giving it a tight squeeze.
“I think I’m going to throw up.”
“Please don’t throw up on the balloons,or the table- Nick will lose his shit.”
“Thanks.” You laughed, though there was no humour to it.
Your phone buzzed in your pocket, and your heart rate spiked.
Nick: WE’RE BACK IN THE GREEN ROOM
“Shit…” Your stomach flipped, and you squeezed Davis’s hand tighter.
“You’ve gone pale.” Davis frowned.
“I’m excited.” You said with a big, very fake, smile.
You hurried to the mirror, smoothing your hair with trembling hands. And he was right… you were a little pale. But then your eyes drifted down… your bump had grown quite a lot since the last time Noah had seen you.
“He hasn’t seen me like this.” You said, taking a breath to try and stop your voice from wobbling.
Davis smiled gently.
“He’s going to be so happy.”
You nodded, trying to tell yourself that’s all that matters. After all, you already know the baby’s gender, why were you even nervous?
Still, you checked the room one last time. Checking over the balloons, the table, the cake… everything was perfect.
Then your phone buzzed again.
Nick: WE’RE COMING!!
Your eyes widened.
“They’re on their way.”
Davis immediately looked around.
“Well everything looks perfect. We did a good job.”
You smiled, nodding your head.
“Thank you so much, for everything.”
Before Davis could say anything, footsteps sounded outside. Along with male voices- familiar male voices, which stopped right outside the door.
“Good show tonight.” Folio said.
“Yeah.” Noah laughed tiredly.
His voice was right there. Right there.
You pressed a hand over your mouth.
“Where’s Nick?” Jolly asked.
“He disappeared again,” Noah replied. “I swear that man teleports.”
Your heart hammered so loudly you were convinced they could hear it through the door. Then Noah sighed.
“I’m gonna call y/n before we load out. Check up on her and the baby.”
You bit your lip so hard it hurt. Please don’t call right now.
“Man, you’re down bad.” Folio chuckled.
“Shut up- oh hey, Nick. We wondered where you went.”
“Yeah, I was just checking something…” You heard Nick’s muffled voice from the other side of the door.
“What?”
“Come with me.” You could hear the smirk in his voice.
You were trying to imagine what was going on outside the door, but then it slowly pushed open.
“Dude,” Noah said, “If this is another prank I swear to god-”
The door swung open properly, and Noah casually walked in.
Then he froze.
The smile vanished from his face as his eyes landed on you, not even taking in the decorations around the room. His lips parted, looking like the air had been knocked from his lungs.
"What the fuck?" He whispered, like he wasn’t sure if he was dreaming.
Your eyes immediately filled with tears as you stood and held your hands up, followed by a,
"Surprise!"
He blinked a couple times, wondering what the hell was happening.
"Y/n?" A broken laugh escaped him. "Babe, what the fuck?"
Then, in a flash, he darted across the room. His arms wrapped around you with such force that you stumbled backwards a step, but he caught you instantly, holding you against his chest like he was afraid you'd disappear if he loosened his grip.
"Oh my god." His face buried itself in your hair, then his whole body was shaking. "You're here…"
You laughed through your tears, clinging to him just as tightly.
"I'm here."
"I thought you were at home." His voice cracked.
"I know… I wanted to surprise you."
He pulled back just enough to look at you, his hands immediately cupping your face, and you noticed his eyes were already red.
"You drove all the way here?"
"Well, Davis did."
"Seriously?"
"Of course." Davis smiled proudly.
You watched as Noah’s bottom lip wobbled… then he leaned in and kissed you. It was hard and desperate, like he was making up for every kiss he'd missed over the last month.
Then behind him, the guys all made a fuss.
“Ooooh!!”
“Get a room, you two!!”
Noah didn't even acknowledge them. When he pulled back from the kiss, his lips then moved to your forehead, then your nose, then your cheek.
Then his eyes drifted down to your bump.
“Hi, baby.” He said, his hands pressed gently against your stomach, then he carefully crouched down and looked up at you with tears now rolling down his face. Your hand slid into his hair as he continued, "Daddy missed you so much. I’m sorry I’ve not been home…”
Noah pressed a kiss to your bump.
"I love you so much."
Then, all of a sudden, Bryan gasped and spun around on his heels.
"I’m gonna get my camera!" He rushed back out of the dressing room, making Noah turn his head before standing back up.
“So,” Nicholas wiggled his eyebrows, “What do you think?”
Noah finally looked around the room, and his eyes widened. He spotted the cake on the table, with Boy or Girl written in pink and blue icing.
“Holy shit…” He looked back at you, “You already know… but I’m… we’re gonna find out?”
You nodded your head, smiling through your tears.
"Yeah…”
Noah looked around the room again, like he was still trying to process it all. Everybody he loves was standing in the same room- well, with the exception of Jesse who was still at home and Bryan who was looking for his camera. And he couldn’t help but feel emotional.
“I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve any of this.”
You frowned, cupping his cheek in your hand.
“Noah-” But he carefully caught your wrist, and laced your fingers together instead.
“No, I want to say it. I have to.” He squeezed your hand, “I never imagined this could happen to me, of all people. I have the best friends in the world, I get to travel around the country playing music… and my girlfriend is carrying my baby. You’re about to make me a dad, something I never thought I wanted to be… but now nothing has ever felt so right. And we’ve got the best people around us- I mean, Davis, you’ve been filling in for me while I’ve been away. There’s nobody else I would’ve trusted to do that…”
Davis smiled.
“I promise you, I’ve not tried anything funny either. “
You both laughed.
“I trust you, man.” Noah chuckled, “I just wanted everyone here to know… I love you all so much. Shit, why am I so emotional?” Noah laughed, rubbing his eyes.
“I think my pregnancy hormones are contagious,” you teased, wrapping your arms around Noah, before whispering, “We love you too.”
A moment later, Bryan returned, looking a little confused. Folio explained that Noah’s feeling hormonal, which earned a middle finger up from him.
“Okay,” you finally said, “Do you wanna cut the cake?”
Noah nodded his head.
“I think my hands might be a little shaky. Will you help?”
“Of course, baby.” You smiled up at him, and Bryan took a picture of that very moment- you looking up at him with nothing but love and awe, and Noah looking frightened but still so excited.
You both stepped closer to the table, and everyone else gathered around. Bryan got some shots of you two holding hands, Noah taking deep breaths, before you both reached for the knife.
“Ready?” You asked, and Noah’s soft eyes met yours before nodding.
“Ready.”
“One… two…”
And on three, you both pressed the knife into the cake. The icing softly cracked beneath the blade, and you could see Noah was holding his breath. When the knife reached the bottom, you pulled it back out, then sliced it once more. Nothing was visible yet, not until Noah picked the slice up, and the colour inside was revealed.
Noah froze, then a sob escaped his lips. A huge smile spread across his face, and then he wrapped his arms around you and buried his face into your neck as the rest of the room cheered, there were a few I knew it’s and no way!’s
“We’re having a girl?” Noah sobbed as he pulled back to look at you, “You’re carrying my baby girl?”
Give me a chance, Madsy, please! After learning about Tony Tony Chopper's backstory, my God, it made me cry because he's the most cutest purest boy there is.
So, could you do headcanons of Leon, Carlos, Chris, Rebecca, and Sherry with an Apothecary Teenage Tyrant GN reader? This reader has been an outcast the moment they were born. They are kind-hearted, naïve, and fiercely loyal. They became an apothecary because their caretaker inspired them to be one. They are terrified when they hear gun shots since they have been shot at in the past. The characters expected to see a monster. Instead, they see a young teenager whose very cautious around people, especially adults, and can be a bit gullible.
I see their dynamic as the Protection Squad/If Anything Happened to Her meme. I want the headcanons to be platonic/parental, btw!
Hi anon! I'm so terribly sorry for making you wait so long for me to get back to your ask, but I think this may be suited for a different writer, simply as I'm not really familiar with Tony Tony Chopper, and I really want to be able to do this request justice. However, if you still wanted something similar, feel free to send another request just with more explanation as to what it is that you want, or a similar thing? I hope this makes sense!
I did try to look into it for you, but I don't think I can do this justice, and that wouldn't be fair to you. I hope you find someone who will be able to write this and do it justice for you
