Lindsay Ferguson: Gentleman & Humorist

Failed part-time model. More fun than a pitchfork to the genitals. Marginally.

[xmarxthethott]

Make America Antifa Again

We've been hiding in the shadows for TOO LONG. We've been unleashed upon the innocents of the land, and never again shall we crawl back into the black recess. Now that we've been outed and our leaders are appearing on FOX News, we've been given permission. No longer shall we hide. No longer shall we cower.

It's ANTFA SEASON, motherfuckers. That's right, we're spreading our very codified indoctrination to the masses, bitches. Hold on to those straight, white, cis asses you got packed into those Costco khakis. We're coming for your kids, Chuck. 

Scores of innocents will now be forced to wake up and smell the ANTIFA RHETORIC. Which is 100% a comprehensive manifesto us secret members totally read all the time.

Posted across the land in every classroom, we will have posters of our legends and icons: Churchill. FDR. The cast of 1972's Cabaret. 

We're going to make everyone SO antifa. Like, imagine the the most stirring, patriotic Kid Rock show in the most America arena. Lawn of the White House (coming 2026) type venue. With the most America production values. 

And now, make it woke. 

ANTIFA. 

SURPRISE. 

Suck it, chuds. We're gonna get our sticky, viscous, yucky Woke Antifa Mob ALL over your crisp white tennis shoes. We're gonna sully those pristine White values with our Alphabet Mafioso rainbow. Get rekt. 

MAAA! 

use code MAAA for 15% off LaminatesRUs when you get your Antifa Card laminated

[xmarxthethott]

It’s Totally Fine You Ghosted Our Friendship Because I Didn’t Want to Touch Your Dick

Look, I get it. Not getting what you want totally sucks. It does. Crushing disappointment isn’t easy to mitigate, and honestly, why should you even try to be responsible for your own emotions when you have a female friend nearby? I mean, that’s what we’re here for, tbh. Well, that, and the tantalizing possibility of getting your ding-dong dipped in Cooterville. But Pound Town aside, here are reasons why it’s totally OK you bailed on our friendship:

 ·       You totally helped me avoid things I wanted to do, thus saving me from years of hard work so thanks I guess

·       Who needs another platonic friendship anyway

·       Three words for you: white OC princess

·       Like, fuck pizza, amirite

·       And wine on weekdays

·       But not me because, like, I’m a fucking nutcase and even though I’m hot AF, you’d be stuck with the cray and that novelty wears off suuuuuuper quick

·       Also, writing comedy sketches seemed, like, super gross

·       The humblebragging about your film career would totally have worked on other women but I was in the way so you’re welcome I guess

·       I didn’t really want to play music with you, who plays jazz banjo anyway

·       Honestly, it’s 2019 and you needed a new scapegoat

·       Me as a personal project wasn’t going so great either because I’m a Capricorn

·       Emotionally stunted projection is sooooo gauche

·       Stonewalling at public events with our friends is the new Block Caller feature

·       I didn’t want to go to your stupid life events either, you fuck

 As you can plainly see, it’s probably really great you turned out to be like every other dude around. Who knows, maybe the next lady you find will have that spark to touch your willy, and you’ll finally have all you ever wanted without all the gross extra emotional labor on your end. We did it!

[xmarxthethott]

Reasons Why The 5-String Open Back Banjo Is Your Spirit Animal for 2019

1.

[xmarxthethott]

Self-Titles You Should Never Use Unless You’re Being, Like, Super Ironic. God, Karen.

- The

- Gentleman

- Amazing

- Smart

- Talented

- Master

- Captain

- Sir

- Lady

- Doctor

- Miraculous

- Best

- Reverend

- Awesome

[xmarxthethott]

A Company-Wide Morale Boost

to allstaff: Team vs Family:

At TechVille USA, International, we have a diverse set of people together like nothing else. We are passionate, we work together, and we support each other to hit the Vision for The Company at all costs. It’s so exciting to see everyone on-board! We are turning into one large, totally legal global family!

However, as with anything, we want to ensure ALL are adhering to the Values and Vision of The Company. Therefore, we want to stress a couple of key differences between a team and a family to ensure everyone is in alignment:

* A family member doesn’t complain about problems.

* A family member pro-actively offers to help each other, without hesitation. No matter what.

* A family member is legally obligated to appreciate one other for their daily efforts.

* A family member never seeks to subvert or undermine The Management.

*  A family member respects the Rules and Laws of The Company and promises to faithfully execute the Values laid forth by The Company.

* A family member, at all times, protects the integrity of The Company, its’ Vision, and The Management from outside scrutiny and harm.

And, finally,

* A family member must submit to the Will of The Company or risk Permanent Termination.

This family does all of these things, and for that, The Management is grateful for your continued loyalty and support. We hope our wishes for the mandatory OT will put smiles on the faces of your family this Holiday Season!

Now rest up and report back January 1 fresh and ready to work.

- The Management

[xmarxthethott]

How To Apologize: A Reading List for Beginner Apologists

Do you find yourself misunderstood when you “play the devil’s advocate”? Are you chronically missing the mark on social cues, empathy, and intersectionality? Have you ever wondered how you can get better at proving your point? We got you, fam. Here’s a list of reading materials for those of you out there suffering from the blight of educated, annoying victims trying to rob you of your god-given privilege of having things YOUR way.

1. Defend, Defend, Defend: A Newbs Guide to Throwing A Tantrum 2. Character Assassination 101 3. Empathy is Thine Enemy 4. Deflection, Not Reflection 5. Double Down, Double Jeopardy 6. Is That A Cross In Your Pants Or Are You Just Hard for Hyperbole? 7. Gaslighting For Beginners 8. “Are You Going to Be Angry Forever?” And Other Dismissive Questions 9. How To Tell Her It’s Her 10. Being Right For Dummies 11. Stealing The Victim Spotlight: A Guide for Projection 12. The “Responsibility” Card: When to Throw It & How 13. Turning The Tables: Debate Tactics For The Internet Age 14. Getting Your Foot In The Door: How to Look For Openings To Rage

[vintageeveryday]

David “Stringbean” Akeman his pants like that before it was even a thing!

[xmarxthethott]

This is  my new life goal

[xmarxthethott]

We GET It. You’re Upset.

Sheesh.

Okay. We get it. You’re upset. Again. Like usual. So what else is new? But, like, can’t you be upset outside of office hours? If you’re a professional like I am, you’ll know that there is a time and a place for being upset. And, honestly? You should keep your emotions and opinions to yourself until you’re off of work because no one wants to hear you bitch all the time.

Seriously. It’s getting old.

I mean, it’s sooooo unprofessional to constantly be harping on climate change, mass extinctions and species die-off, corruption, black money, shell corporations in the Seychelles, Trump Tower, Putin’s geopolitical warfare on the West, Brexit, the last election being won by 77,000 votes, people who don’t vote, apathy, ignorance, the Electoral College, AR-15′s, mass shootings, universal background checks, mental health, incarceration of drug addicts, the US allowing big game trophies allowed back in, the raping and pillaging of Africa, the Military Industrial Complex, black men being murdered without consequence by police, mass incarceration of people of color, homophobes, racists, misogynists, xenophobes, money being more important than the environment, being dismissed or diminished, new iPhones, planned obsolescence, the effects of late stage capitalism on our planet, anyone who fucking hurts an animal, elephants as trophies, dick measuring, video games normalizing gun violence, the rich, tax evasions they rich get away with, white collar crimes the rich get away with, Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, Mike Pence, the new SCOTUS called “Brett,” the Patriarchy, mass bee colony die-off, the bleaching of the Great Barrier Reef (and the bleaching of all coral reef ecosystems for that matter), the mass of plastics floating in the oceans, single-use plastics, microplastics, microbeads, Amazon, Jeff Bezos, the Right, conservatives, anti-women people, the anti-Intellectualism movement, gamer gate, Chuck Grassley, Lindsey Graham, Mitch McConnell, the Republican women who vote against their self-interests, the scores of other women who vote against their self-interest, anti-choice people, rednecks, incels, gaslighters, Bernie Bros, people who HATE Hillary/Soros, etc., flat-earthers, climate “deniers,” the Republicans, the systemic dismantling of your rights as a woman, purposefully using incendiary language to get a rise from people, or whatever else you’re upset about today.

It’s always something with you.

God, you’re just always so... emotional. You really should calm down and stop being so upset. It really bothers me.

[xmarxthethott]

A Pimp’s To-Do List

- Prune roses

- Run

- Write out childhood trauma for therapy next week

- Stretch hamstrings

- Fuck bitches

- Polish Yeezys

- Punch new hoes

- Replace diamond knob on pimp cane

- Get pimp lean back

- Check in with bottom bitch

- Polish pimp cup

- Keep it strong

- Lisp practice

- Re-seal deck before winter rains start up

[xmarxthethott]

Fashion Tip Friday

And now kids, it’s time for #FashionTipsFriday!

Today’s lesson: FINDING YOUR ANGLE.

Here we illustrate the importance of angles!

1. Hide your gobbles, chins, snaggleteeth, and sundry other horrifying imperfections by finding which angle accomplishes all of the aforementioned. We’ll go over lighting some other time, but for now, really *think* about your shitstack luck with the features god gave you and try not to bemoan them too much. We don’t want to get stuck bitching without fixing it! No one wants a whiny bitch, Becky. Get your shit together. 

2. Here comes the tricky part, everyone. But try and stick with me. To find your “angle,” simply stare at yourself in a mirror for hours on-end! Trust me on this: you want to basically take this up as your new hobby. Forego gym classes. drinks with Claudia. This is IMPORTANT. If you want to start dating winners and find yourself a husband/wifey/etc, one simply must get their angle down. Stat. Becky, I swear to Christ, no one wants to hear how “fugly” you are anymore. God. 

3. No mirror? No problem! Any reflective surface works too! Shop windows, train windows, your phone camera, other people’s car mirrors, stainless steel elevator siding, Vegas... It’s totally 100% normal and not at all distracting to conversations you may or may not be a part of, Becky, and there’s a time and a place to talk about how lonely you are eating your night cheese and your sweatsuit pajamas but we keep telling you how to fucking fix it and so help  me if you ignore this shit and go back to that Debbie Downer shtick again I’m going to not call you for, like, a month.  

4. After you found the best way to deceive your audience and begin to lure in potential boyfriends, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. Get SO GOOD at knowing how your right cheekbone looks sharp enough to gouge out Becky’s fugly eyeball and wipes that shitty look off of her face when she drags her new boyfriend over to your house to gloat. 

Helpful tricks with getting in the mood include Paul Simon and/or Blues Traveler, wine, and belligerence. With my help, you can turn that sad frown upside-down into the social media icon of your dreams!

[xmarxthethott]

Guys it is TOTALLY FINE my dad is engaged to be married:

After texting me a photo of the massive, Art Deco style ring my dad proposed to his girlfriend with, I decided that it is totally 100% OK my dad gets a chance at happiness and will be married again (again) before me being married ever. Here’s why:

I have so much more time than him! Technically, so it’s totally OK that I haven’t found anyone to marry. Oh. Look. More gray hairs. It’s fine. I’m in no way slowly losing sex appeal and attraction because our society favors wisdom and grace rather than temporary, nigh-intangible, ethereal beauty we are supposed to chase at all costs and is spoon-fed to us as the only thing that matters. Being single is hard! I know! I get it! Look, here’s the thing: I am genuinely happy for him. I think it’s really, really wonderful that he’s found purpose and meaning in his life after his kids have grown up and flown the coop. Being by yourself for a long long time with only a cat to talk to/project emotions onto is really lonely and difficult and can sometimes feel bleak and sad and who is going to help get through your wine stash but then again this is why you drink. It’s 100% totally fine. I’m a black sheep anyway! I’ve always been a bit of a rebel: as a kid I always knew I didn’t want my own kids, and I always knew I’d never get married. So really, if there’s a lottery of allowed marriages, I’m super glad my dad pulled a winning ticket! AGAIN. Besides, my emotionally stunted inability to express or receive affection continues to be a source of frustration for those close to me and that is precisely why I am a hermit person who’d rather coddle her broken cat than attempt to heal and get the human connection she so desperately craves. 1000% TOTALLY FINE. As you can see, I’m totally, super-duper, way-OK fine with my pops walking down the aisle again and am in no way suppressing feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, dread, fear, and sadness. And who knows: maybe dying alone may be fun as fuck! 

[xmarxthethott]

Things Dudes Should Totally Keep Doing

Hey fellas, it’s been a hot minute since the whole #MeToo thing started so I felt it was time we circle back around, have a pow-wow, and give you some pointers on what you’re doing super well. It’s only fair in this climate what with being afraid to be alone with us these days. So here are some ideas for things you guys should totally keep doing.

Catcalling/Honking What girl doesn’t love being scared shitless by a bleating honk? And we totally feel so flattered by your catcalling all the time regardless of what we’re wearing. It obviously works, because even though it seems like we get upset and roll our eyes, we are totally just playing hard to get. So clearly, when faced with stonewalling, you should keep doing it with increasing intensity. We find ambiguity works really well in scoring with men.

Vulturing Circling us in any wheeled vehicle makes us feel super weak and powerless. Obviously, we love that feeling, because that means you can then swoop in and save us (and we all just want dudes to rescue us all the time, so we can quit work to sit at home eating bon-bons and taking Insta selfies.) Sure, you’re saving us from you being a gross predator, but it’s not like we’re smart enough to know that!

Unsolicited Opinions We love when you tell us what we should do, and how we should dress. Look, it’s not like we are wearing low-cut shirts because we love our décolletages or think ladies have cool fashion sense. Everything we do from the moment we wake up to the moment we hit the sheets is for your attention. Sure, you may not know the difference between a smokey eye and a perfectly winged liner, but that doesn’t matter. It’s for you anyway! Nothing feels better than seeking validation from a gender who can’t tell when we cut our goddammed hair.

Gaslighting Mmmm… it feels just so good when you tell us how wrong we are for feeling sad or hurt, or any other range of emotions felt by human beings. Nothing gets us going more than being dismissed constantly. I mean, we have periods, after all. And those yucky things get our hormones all wacko, so it’s probably not too far a stretch to think that our sad feelings are irrationally connected to our estrogen levels. Tip: we fucking love hearing “I’m sorry if…” Not only do you look super manly by passing the blame off on us for reacting emotionally, but you also never really apologize so that means you’re always right. Fucking hot.  

Knowing how to be a decent human being isn’t always easy in this quasi-pre-post- #MeToo movement. We hope this helps you navigate the tricky waters without fear of being wrongly accused of being a total cock.

[xmarxthethott]

Reasons I Desperately Want You to Come Over for Dinner

Look. I know getting to know me in “that” way has been a horrifying barrage of hormones and emotional yo-yoing and I feel somewhat bad (and super paranoid you’re going to lose interest and bail, if I’m going to be honest, hahahah). I want a chance to make up for it, so I would like to invite you over for an elaborate, over the top 4-course dinner party, with a wine pairing. Here are the reasons you should come:  

Self-awareness is sooooooooo hot. The term “woke” is so gouache these days. What really hits people in the metaphysical dick is grounded pragmatism. Being self-aware-of-self-sabotaging-from-fear is, like, half the battle. I think that deserves some credit, considering. Basically: I’m sorry for the dumpster fire, let me make you food to distract me from dealing with my emotions.

Compensation is key. And I want to show off in an attempt to bolster my self-esteem. As described above, recently I’ve taken a tire-iron to my ego, and that hurts a lot. Showing off reinforces deep-seeded fears of being unlikable, unattractive, and unwanted. So what better way to artificially inflate my market value than by advertising! Like wine! Which we will be drinking in copious amounts at dinner until we can’t feel feelings.

Emotional eating is cool again. I’m pretending to be confused about my feelings, and I want to make you confused too because misery loves company! Also, I’m self-aware that I’m self-sabotaging because of an irrational fear of being abandoned, which I am actively exacerbating by being aloof and confused! It’s a miasma, so why not come over and eat your feelings with me?

I’m irreparably broken and don’t know what to do with my hands. Or my emotions. Or my crippling self-doubt. Or my insatiable ego. Or my pressing need to be validated by my looks. Or my abandonment issues. Or my perfectionism. Or my compulsory, type-A desire to control everything just so. Or my pseudo-faux-geek persona I’ve been attempting to shed for years. Or my emotional eating/drinking/drug habit...

 If any and/or all of these reasons sound just crazy enough to make you consider your life choices leading up to this moment, but not crazy enough to make you head for the hills immediately, you should totally come over and over-indulge in food augmented by butter and wine.

[just-shower-thoughts]

Cats are like strippers: you can’t touch them, but they will show you their butthole

[xmarxthethott]

100% Logical Reasons Why You Should Have an Artist for a Girlfriend

Dudes: we know the term “artist” is a loaded word. And yet, your dick can’t help it: you like the crazy. It’s exciting! Like letting a Tasmanian Devil loose on your peanut butter-covered kielbasa. But we’ve all heard the ol’ adage: don’t stick your dick in crazy. Well, horse-feathers to that, this is 2018 motherfuckers! In case your friends are leaning heavily towards an intervention for your sanity and the health of your 100% all-beef thermometer, we’ve got a list of reasons why you should be dating that hot artist chick who works part-time at a café.

Living with her would be a breeze! In between those tumultuous, hurricane-like fits of emotionally trying meltdowns, life with an artist can be worthwhile, and sometimes even fun! Sure, you gotta hunker down behind a couch and throw chocolate bars and wine at your artist lady when she goes ape-shit because “no one understands” more than a few times a week. But your house would look awesome and clean, and let’s be real: the woman can cook. It’s a net-neutral in our book! Your sex-life would be the object of envy with your dude-bros. Let’s face it: most of your friends complain incessantly about how little sex they get. Well, they clearly aren’t dating an artist! Artists are known for being emotionally unstable and sexually versatile which means quality and quantity! You won’t be hearing any of that “You want me to do WHAT?” bullshit from your artist girlfriend! You’d be hard-pressed to find a time when your trouser meat had that much attention. Her overthinking tendencies could power a locomotive! Sure, we may think we want someone who is easy to get along with, but that’s proven to be boring in the long-run. An artist over-analyzes, over-thinks, self-destructs, and cries constantly, but with that comes self-awareness! Who doesn’t love a chick who knows when she’s being a neurotic cupcake! Silver lining? She’ll feel bad about mistreating you when she goes off the deep end, so she’ll be sure to give your yogurt slinger some extra love. Yes!! Artists eschew “mainstream” commerce!  Once your artist girlfriend teaches you the meaning of “eschew,” you’ll be grateful knowing your wallet is safe! Artists are infamous for being contrary, and your girlfriend is no exception. She shops at thrift stores! And while this may be an issue for you if you decide to take her to a fancy dinner, rest assured she’s got a “Fancy Person Dinner Costume” for just the occasion. The only down-side to that is the boner-shrinking attribution of “costume” to normal clothes, but with the post-champagne knob-slobbing that’ll happen, it’s not that bad. 

We’ve taken the myth out of what it’s like dating an artist, and while your sanity may still be in question, what’s not in question is the copious amounts of copulating that’ll happen if you decide to throw caution to the wind. Good luck, fellas!

[xmarxthethott]

Monologue Jokes 2.2.18

An Alabama man has been accused of repeatedly sexually molesting a horse after its owner believes she found evidence of his crimes left behind in a barn stall. The horse’s owners have since reported the addition of the Animal Chapter of the #MeToo Movement.

President Trump said that he wouldn’t call himself a “feminist” in a new interview with Piers Morgan, Morgan said Saturday. Most American’s wouldn’t call Trump a “president” either.  An Indiana restaurant owner has been arrested on felony charges after a customer found a baggie of cocaine in their order of cheese sticks. According to police, the only reason the owner was arrested was because there wasn’t enough coke for everyone.

A New York pizzeria is offering a nontoxic alternative to the "Tide Pod Challenge" with mini pizzas created to resemble the laundry detergent pods. This wouldn’t be the first time a New York pizzeria has taken advantage of stupid people. Trump claimed on Sunday polar ice caps are at "a record level" despite ice caps reaching record low. According to the White House, a record is still a record, and they’ll take a win where they can make one up.

Police in Florida said they arrested a man who was caught on camera stealing exotic fish from a pet store by shoving them down his pants, giving rise to a new meaning for blowfish.

[xmarxthethott]

Ornithological Observations of Online Dating, an Introduction

The number of potential males found in the dating pool is staggering. Like the noble, iconic peacock (or sundry brightly-feathered tropical birds doing similar-wise for that matter), the myriad ways in which they display themselves is diverse and fascinating. So many potential mates in the world! On a human level, one understands: of course you would wish to present the best of yourself! Dazzling, immaculately plumed images made to entice a mate to your side. All in the hopes of building a huge, Bald Eagle-type nest to rival all others in the area.

Please do understand: I am by no means besmirching the age-old art of attraction.

Ornithologically, it is well-known females generally have more to lose when mating with an inferior male. Taking the lead from our fine feathered friends, to make sense of mating displays and weed out the genetic undesirable mates, like Smithsonian’s Natural History Museum I have come to take inventory and categorize. For science.

- Dudes with Dogs (identified via copious, adorable dog photos)

- Dudes with Other Animals (varieties include: cats, sloths, giraffes, dolphins, etc.)

- Nude Dudes (varieties include: butt-shots, abs-shots, flexing-in-mirror shots)

- Mirror Selfie Men (identified by clothed male reflection in a mirror)

- “How Are You?” Guys (applies only to first message contact; subsequent messages excluded)

- Music Fest Dudes (identifying features include messy hair, large crowds, PBR, inebriation, Coachella)

- Outdoor Dudes (identified via any and all activity outdoors; varieties include camping, rock climbing, hiking, jumping off waterfalls, surfing, etc.)

- Tech Bros (variety of images identified so far: ubiquitous plaid shirt photo, glasses, mentions software in profile copy)

- Deep Dudes (identified via poetry quotes in profile copy, meditation in profile copy)

- Yoga/Meditation Guys (identified via chiseled physique, shirtless headstands, Warrior 2 beach shots, manbuns)

- Sports Dudes (varieties identified so far: volley ball, basketball, boccie ball; pending further observation & research)

- Car Dudes (variety of images found include go-karts, racing cars, motorcycles, limos, etc.)

- “Foodie” Dudes (hypothesis: the larger the plate of food, the better? 34 days, no tangible results)

- Vague/Mysterious Dudes (identified via no profile picture/no profile copy)

- Axe To Grind Dudes (identified via emotionally negative dating profile listing ultimatums, demands, mansplaining expectations, rules, dos/don’ts, blatant egoism, shirking responsibility, and emotional avoidism)

This concludes the first cursory study of males found in the online dating community. Subsequent entries of this sort will refer back to this initial document for cataloging purposes; later tagging and sorting features applied as further research concludes.