I Am Not Unchanged

Singing my way through life as a unipanda. Huge musical addict (#Wicked), but aren't we all? Music sets the tone. ;) Never give up on your dreams! Xxx

[xolbertijn]

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

Mahatma Gandhi

[xolbertijn]

Hi again,

"I'm not going to say I'm a huge gay rights supporter..."

Let’s go back to where we started, a line from my very first post. I know what you're thinking, or no, let me rephrase that: I know what I would be thinking when reading that line. This is either an anti-gay or a coming out post. You could call it the latter, but then again, this is so much more than that, or should I say: so much less than that? This isn't really a coming out post. I am already out and that has been over a year now. I think I was referring to all that stuff at my last post before my one-year hiatus, or should I say sabbatical?

"A hell lot is going on".

True. I fell in love, I came out as bi, I dared, I fell, I got up again, I lost myself. I found myself. I stood tall again. I learned how to love myself. I think that the picture above, which is kind of similar to the very first picture I posted, shows the change I went through. Now I know that I can stand by myself, when needed. And I know that I support love, no matter what others might say. No hate, all love.

I was always afraid of what people would think of me. That's not a weird thing though, we all want to be liked, loved, accepted, respected. But I realized that my parents always worried most about what people would think of me and especially them or my little sister. I'm not sure if that's a parent thing in general or just something they do, but what I do know is that their opinion shaped me. Funny how that first quote was me introducing myself and at the same time me apologizing for who I really was. As if I were thinking: I want you to like me, so I won't be an aggressive gay rights supporter. People probably won't like that. I'm not going to say this or that, because that's not normal or that's not right. And when I did behave slightly, or totally, weird, I would feel guilty.

Lately, someone taught me about the ‘spotlight effect’. When you think or get told that everyone's watching you, it'll only make you worry more about what others think of you. While in fact very few people actually care about or mind whatever it is you are doing. I mean, who cares if you turn left or right? I was always so busy with portraying myself the ‘right’ way, that I didn't portray myself, but someone I wanted to portray or mostly someone other people wanted me to portray. And how can you be who you are, when you are constantly pushed to live up to certain expectations?

I liked trousers, I liked short hair, I didn't like babies, I didn't like dolls, I liked pandas and tigers, I didn't like fries (MacDonald's excluded), I liked boys and I liked girls. Were I ever to have children, which would be a miracle, believe me, I would let them like whatever they wanted. Without any rights or wrongs.

So, what I actually want to say is that only you really know yourself and that therefore you shouldn't let others define you. Even though they mean well, they aren't you. Don't stick with the corset people try to push you in, you deserve to be your very unique self. Be honest to yourself, be happy and love yourself for who you are.

Love,

Xanne-Li

"I'm going to try not to go and say anything I'm not."

[xolbertijn]

I Am Not Unchanged

Hello... 

...It's me. I was wondering if after all these years...

Well, you get it, right? It's been quite some time, to say the least. It's been over a year even, and what a heavy last post. Yup, I read it all back, the sweet melancholy of the past. You know what it is? I feel like I'm changing, I feel me changing, sometimes literally by the minute, while other things seem to take ages to change at all. But no one can stop the time, we can only try not to let it regret us important things. We can live and love and hate and destroy. And we should while we can, we should do it all and deal with the consequences. Because I'd rather apologize than regret the things I never did.

I am not unchanged.

And I'm back. For good? I can't promise, I don't know. What I do know is that I didn't want it to end where it ended. Who knows the way the long road bends? God? Am I still a (good) Christian, the way I introduced myself in my very first post? I don't know. Sometimes you just don't, but I'm sure that's okay too. Doubt doesn't kill you, if it doesn't get to you. It did and it made me unstable, but now I feel like I'm standing tall again. Funny, while I was most insecure, I screamed the hardest. Reading back I sounded like such a huge miss-know-it-all. Such a bitch. And yes, I'm allowed to say that about myself. XD Clearly I did know myself, but didn't know the world that well, or maybe my fingers just swiped different words than my mind wanted. We'll probably never know, but excuse me for that attitude. And excuse me for any attitudes in the future, because honestly, who doesn't think they know it best? Who doesn't think they know themselves and the world around them very well if not almost perfectly? But I’ll try keep in mind that I’m still changing, still learning and discovering all about that thing called life.

I am not unchanged.

Yet I am, because I'll always carry my past with me. My mind is like an elephant's. It forgives but doesn't forget. Some things it never forgets, but that's okay. The past makes us who we are today. We change all the time, I am different than I was a few seconds before, but I'm fine. In my mind the melancholy of the past and at the same time the calling of a brighter future.

I hope to write soon.

Love,

Xanne-Li

"I am not unchanged, yet you'll know me, because I'll stay myself."

[xolbertijn]

Back, in a Way...

Good day to y’all wonderful people,

So... I’ve got no idea where to begin, or should I even begin at all? Start, stop, hiatus, start… Almost a year gone by, and I’m still the one with the most empty promises. And I’m sorry for that. Doesn’t mean I try to change every day over and over again.

Speaking about empty promises, I’m afraid I’m not going to post everything I promised a long time ago. I am, however, going to try and continue this ‘public diary’, just writing about some stuff going on in my life. Nothing too interesting, but who knows, maybe someday people are actually going to read this back. ;)

For now I just wanted to say that a hell lot has happened and I’m trying my hardest best to put my life back on track. Not the easiest thing to do, but I’ll live. I’ll live and love this life I am going to live, promise me to do the same. Changes aren’t always bad, every day can be seen in another perspective, which is quite awesome. Life isn’t easy, but you’ll get there!

Love,

Xanne-Li Olbertijn

Xoxo

“Because dreams do come true, and I believe in you!”

[xolbertijn]

Some things I cannot change. But 'till I try, I'll never know!

Elphaba Thropp a.k.a. The Wicked Witch of the West (Wicked the Musical)

[xolbertijn]

Here are the promised screencaps! ;) You can watch the video here: http://youtu.be/Rrg5h2DRhvY

[xolbertijn]

The Making of the Goodbye Video for Willemijn Verkaik: Completed

Hi, hi to y’all wonderful people,

Sooner than you though, eh? Here’s part two already!

So, how do you make stuff like that? Make sure you set an early deadline, you know, like an insanely early deadline, so you can move it several times. I didn’t. That’s why I tell you. :P I had only space to give one extra hour. Also, make sure there’s always some pressure. If you’re working with several people it’s good to push things a little. And so I did. I wanted to make sure everyone handed in stuff in time so we wouldn’t have problems afterwards. Communication is the keyword.

So, after a lot of mails, messages and frustrating moments everyone had handed in their stuff. I could start with the most difficult part, editing and blending everything together. By the way, I just realized that I forgot to tell what the actual plan was. My plan was to record the beautiful song For Good from Wicked with the fans. Those who didn’t feel comfortable to sing could send in photos with Willemijn or a kind message, drawings etc. So I had divided all the lines among the participants and we also came up with the plan to make it trilingual, because Willemijn had played Elphaba in three different languages.

After I’d received all of the recordings, I started editing them. For example the volumes were different from each other, so I had to find something in between. I have this free program called WavePad and it’s great. In the beginning I had no idea what to do with it, but now I quite got the hang of it. Amazing what you all can do with it. Anyways, because I’m not a professional, it probably took some more time to put everything together. I’m going to add part three right away with only pictures of the making of, screencaptures to be exact. As you will see, there were over thirty recordings and I had to put them all together individually. I did it with love though. It makes me happy to work on something special and it didn’t even sound that bad. I myself think that it sounds amazing!

If you look at the pictures it looks quite complicated, I guess. It isn’t as difficult though, it just takes a lot of time. There are like two parts you need to do, editing the recordings and blend them together and making the video itself.

Anyways, I’m ranting wat too long. I put the video on YouTube and shared it on Facebook and Twitter. The “funny” this is, Willemijn herself never responded to it, but her family and family-in-law did share the link on their Facebook, so I’m pretty sure she’s seen it. ;)

Willemijn’s next production will be Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. I’m really excited for her and curious what kind of production that is. It sounds promising! Unfortunately for us, Dutchies, this all will find place in London, West End. But as fans, we’re really happy for her.

Hope to “see” you all soon!

Love,

Xanne-Li Olbertijn

Xoxo

“Because dreams do come true, and I believe in you!”

[xolbertijn]

The Making of the Goodbye Video for Willemijn Verkaik: The Idea

Hi there to y’all wonderful people!

So, lately I’ve had a lot of things in mind that I really wanted to try. And I actually am planning out those things. Not sure when it began, but I’m almost sure that deciding to make a goodbye video for Willemijn Verkaik, because she was leaving the production earlier and it also would be her last time in Wicked, only a few days before the actual show, was one of those crazy ideas. Like really, this deadline was so close already when I began… This is the making of of the goodbye video for Willemijn Verkaik part one.

Beginning at the begin. I knew Willemijn was leaving the show earlier than planned because of a back surgery. And yes, to be honest in the first place I was very sad that I wouldn’t be able to see her as Elphaba anymore as I had intended to do so. But overthinking it I came to the conclusion that maybe it was right the way it was. Willemijn needed the surgery, she’d still have a very special last show, (maybe even more special) and there became place for new amazing talent on the ‘Wicked stage’. And then I started thinking, if I can’t be at her last show as planned, wouldn’t it be satisfying to give her the honor she deserves by making something special. A goodbye video or something.

I sent out a tweet, but since not many really responded I needed to think of something else and then I realized that I was also in the Willemijn Verkaik fangroup on Facebook. So I also posted there a message and I was lucky enough that quite a lot people wanted to participate.

Also, again, I’m sorry that I’m not so very active. But since my friend keeps asking when I’d post something again, I thought today would be a good day.

Another thing, yesterday was the cast change of the cast of Wicked. It was supposed to be Willemijn’s last show, but well, it wasn’t. A lot of people still went to see the last shows because there’s always a special thing in the air. And yes, if you tried your best, you could sense it on Twitter, too. The big surprise was Willemijn coming on the stage at the curtain’s call. I kind of expected that, since Idina Menzel also returned on stage her last show after her injury. Nevertheless, it was still special. My friend was so lucky to have witnessed it.

I’ll post part two in a bit,

Love,

Xanne-Li Olbertijn

Xoxo

“Because dreams do come true, and I believe in you!”

[xolbertijn]

Now What?

A short message to y’all wonderful people,

So, as you might've noticed, I've used the ‘quote button’ and I intend to do that more often. You'll see a lot of quotes from my favorite musical Wicked, that is, but also quotes from other things I'm interested in.

Also, why am I blogging, at all? I'm not quite sure. My first thing I wanted to do is make short reports from every day, but as you can see, they're not short, nor are they every day since my three week hiatus. So I'll just blog about my experiences, the remarkable ones, that is, and other stuff. Why I used Tumblr for such a blog? Because I liked the layout, I guess. Yep, just the layout, because I know Tumblr is more for short messages, but I already have a Twitter and Instagram, so I thought I'd use this site to blog. Btw, what's to come, me a blogger? I guess that I found it time to have a public diary. XD

Have a great day, y'all!

Love,

Xanne-Li Olbertijn 

Xoxo

“Because dreams do come true, and I believe in you!”

[xolbertijn]

Are people born wicked? Or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?

Glinda the Good (Wicked the musical)

[xolbertijn]

Baking Pancakes (Belated)

Good afternoon to y’all wonderful people,

Okay, so this is like, super, super, super, súper belated baking pancakes, but oh well. I might even not totally remember how to bake them. Honestly, I’m not sure how to run a household, when I’m not even able to bake pancakes…

So, I was so busy with the making of the video for Willemijn Verkaik, that I might have kind of neglected myself plus my family, as I called it on Facebook, but that actually includes only my younger sister. Though on Facebook I totally made it look like I was a mother of Oz knows how many kids… Not purposefully. Anyways, I’m not sure what time it was, but it must have been sometime between three and four pm, and we still hadn’t had lunch. And yes, I had have a meager breakfast, and I know I should have had a great breakfast, but I’m full of bad habits, and stubborn. :P

So I asked my sister what she wanted for lunch. She didn’t really respond because she was mad at me being so busy, understandably, but it turned out that she was okay with me baking us pancakes, only still annoyed that I first had to buy the stuff. And knowing her she gets a little, well, grumpy when her sugar level is low.  I bought some ready-to-use pancake flour, because I really was starving and didn’t even know how to make that myself. I also bought some powder sugar, because we were running out of it and Duo Penotti, which really is just chocolate spread and a chocolate bar to kind of persuade my sister. Not sure if I bought more, since I’m an impulsive shopper, according to my Mom, but I don’t think so. It’s really just as simple as the instruction says, but since I’m well aware of my inner-blonde, as I call it, of course it had to be difficult as hell. So, all you do is add water by the pancake flour and mix it. Turned out we used the wrong mixer, and I still can’t believe why my sister knew that and didn’t say anything up until our first pancake turned out, well, weird. Though the first pancake is always a disaster, my mother claims, so we had to live with it. Also, I didn’t even had to buy the pancake flour since we happened to have exactly the same package already… In the end I was the one pouring the dough in the pan and my sister baking the actual pancake, even throwing them in the air to turn them. Plus they were so thick we had enough after two pancakes or so. -_- As you see it was a whole experience.

I’d like to know how you bake pancakes, if you do at all, that is. For now I can’t believe I typed such a long post only about baking pancakes, but oh well. Promise is promise!

Love,

Xanne-Li Olbertijn

Xoxo

“Because dreams do come true, and I believe in you!”

[xolbertijn]

Apologies and Clarification

Hello to y’all wonderful people,

Alright guys, as my dear friend, Rieneke, pointed out that I hadn’t updated for like three weeks, I decided to start again. I didn’t really think anyone would read this, anyway, but here I am again! Just so you know, I’m still writing lots and lots of stuff to catch up, I just needed a little break.

First of all I want to apologize to you for letting you wait this long. Second I want to apologize to everyone who felt, I don’t know how to describe it, but let’s say kind of passed about my post where I introduced my two friends. Though you must know that I strongly think that if you say something, you said it for a reason and you shouldn’t take your words back too fast. I’m also not taking any words back, I’m just going to explain why I wrote it the way I did. Also, the reason why I felt introducing these two was because I was sending a letter to Elizabeth, with Maddy. Anyways, what I’m saying is that I always introduce people on the occasion of something. So, let me explain. Maddy and Elizabeth are two very special persons to me, I can’t quite describe it, but let’s say I see them as two sisters. And since they’ve claimed to be long lost twin sisters, tricking the whole Wicked fandom at Fanfiction.net to believe them, it kind of makes sense. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t love my other friends, and I hope they know that. The misunderstanding, as I may call it, is about the fact that I said that I only felt fully understood by these two. Which I tried to explain before, though probably not well enough. The fact that I feel misunderstood or not understood at all sometimes is no one’s fault. So no one should take blame for that, and no one should think that not understanding me, fully, that is, makes them a bad friend. Don’t try to change it though, don’t say that you do understand if I’d tell you all. This is not a case like, “Don’t try to, ‘cuz you can’t”. No, it’s me asking my other dear friends not to push me by asking, worrying or blaming themselves so much. And sure, every teenager might feel misunderstood at times. I acknowledge that and even though we wouldn’t admit, I’m sure puberty plays a certain part in that. To everyone who doesn’t know me that well, this whole post might seem a bit strange. Anyways, I’m trying to explain myself here a little, I might be a tad bit more sensitive than others, my mind might be chaotic and that’s why I feel earlier misunderstood than others. I don’t know if Maddy and Elizabeth can literally feel that, but as I told you before, we’re so much alike, so they know how my mind works.

Okay, so I just realized that this might not help clarify things at all… I’m too much of a ranter, anyways. But I want all my other friends to know that I love them, too and that I never meant for them to feel like they’d be bad friends not understanding me, fully. So, please take my apology for well, this misunderstanding.

Enough rant for now, thanks for even enduring it. Coming up some lighter subjects, promised. ;)

Love,

Xanne-Li Olbertijn

Xoxo

“Because dreams do come true, and I believe in you!”

[xolbertijn]

Comming Up

Hi to y’all wonderful people,

Actually I am too sad to blog, but then again, no posts in two days… Oh well, it’s not that anyone is reading this. XD Anyways, I was so incredibly busy… Today was Willemijn Verkaik’s last performance as Elphaba. Elphaba is a character in Wicked the Musical. There you have it again, Wicked! And I so love her! I just cannot describe how sad I am that she’s leaving, like, forever. As Elphaba, that is. So I made a video to thank her and say goodbye to her as Elphaba. Not alone, but with many other amazing people. ;) But enough of this, my timelines are spammed full of Willemijn’s last show and I just can’t take it. Like I said, enough. Though I’m going to place a post to honor Willemijn Verkaik later these days.

Coming up: “Backing Pancakes (Belated)”, introduction of another best friend, the making of of the video for Willemijn Verkaik, post in honor of Willemijn Verkaik and more! That’s a lot, right? And shall I tell you a secret? I already am looking forward to write them! For now I’m just too tired and too sad and too tired to write another thing. Have a wonderful day, you!

Love,

Xanne-Li Olbertijn

Xoxo

“Because dreams do come true, and I believe in you!”

[xolbertijn]

Good morning, or something else, to y’all wonderful people,

So, it’s time to introduce two of my best friends and believe me, you’ll hear more from them. I’m not exaggerating if I say that they’re amazing and although I must admit that sometimes, but that’s just rare and only lasts for minutes if not seconds, I don’t understand them or feel misunderstood by them, I still love them as if they were my sisters, which they absolutely are, since I don’t know any sisters of my blood, or however you say such thing.

Yesterday I finally posted this very special envelope, seen on this picture, with some birthday cards, who knows, presents maybe. This envelope will go all the way ‘down under’ to Australia! And the shipping costs so surprised me. I mean, I had taken like €30,- with me while in fact I only had to pay €5,25. So Maddy, hereby, you don’t have to pay me anything, I won’t die from this. So, sending this envelope was one of the tasks that I could have done like four or five days ago, but just because I had all the time, I didn’t. I’m sorry my mind works against me, Elizabeth.

Yep, that’s true, miss Maddy Lanslots and miss Elizabeth Watters. They are my best friends, or maybe were, since I called them ‘miss’. :P We understand each other perfectly. We’re crazy, we’re creepy, we’re funny. I mean, what are we not? And just when I thought I’d be friendless forever, and no offense to my other friends, you guys rock, but it’s just difficult to fully understand me, these two amazing persons came into my life. And we have so much in common that it is scary. And yes, a lot of people will say that internet friends are no real friends and all, but that’s not true. I know that from experience. Anyways, they’re both great writers and they understand music. Maddy is a real author and she’s going to publish her very first book soon. Or, that’s what I made of it. She wants to, and I’m sure she’ll succeed. It’s almost finished and it’s amazing, at least, the plot is, but I know everything will be amazing. :) Elizabeth is a born talent if you’re talking about playing several instruments on a high level. I mean, I couldn’t do that. She’s a hard worker, but the good thing is that she enjoys it. Our ‘working late lifestyle’ is quite the same. XD I could rant about these two pages and pages, but they’d probably not appreciate that. Or, maybe they would, but then they would become shy and stuff, knowing them. ;) What must be said that these two persons are persons, and I’ve said it before, who always be there for you and never judge and always try to understand. They’re even more than you think. When you thought you were just two persons having conversations on the internet, they already excepted you as a friend. And they did because you’re you and you never have to pretend.

For now if you want to see what my friends really are like, then follow them on Twitter: @CliffyQueen & @EAWatters and certainly go and check out their amazing stories on Fanfiction.net: Ultimate Queen of Cliffies & Musicgal3. Talk to you soon!

Love,

Xanne-Li Olbertijn

Xoxo

“Because dreams do come true, and I believe in you!”

[xolbertijn]

Always a Step Behind?

Hiya to y’all wonderful people,

You might have noticed that when I’m writing about something, it seems like I’m always one day behind, which in fact is kinda true, but shhh, don’t tell! Currently, I must admit, I sleep awfully long and go to bed quite late. Yep, that’s my ‘not-so-super-healthy lifestyle’. And thank goodness that there’s this option so I can schedule my posts. :P The reason why I’m behind is that I’m doing nothing while actually I’m quite busy. Which means that most of the times I wait until the deadlines come so deadly close that I really have to do something and can’t skip. With that in my head I work faster and, most of the times, better. I’ll tell you later with what I’m all so busy. I mean, I’m not that busy, it’s summer break after all. ;) Just so you know, I’m planning on continuously posting, but I might be a day or two behind. Then again, if you know me, you know that I’m always late… Sorry?

Love,

Xanne-Li Olbertijn

Xoxo

“Because dreams do come true, and I believe in you!”

[xolbertijn]

Hello to y’all wonderful people,

Yesterday, or the day before yesterday, I’ve had my dinner at Utrecht Central Station at Julia’s Pasta. Julia’s Pasta happens to belong to the NS (the Dutch Railways). So, here’s how it works. There’s this menu that exists out of several steps. Like a Happy Meal at the McDonald’s. You choose whatever you like and order that at the pay desk and you’ll get a voucher with your order. Then you give your voucher to one of the cooks and they’ll make you your food. They also ask questions like if you want the vegetables through the sauce or not. Then they put it in a box and you can take it with you. It’s awesome, I really recommend trying it. :) As you can see, the fork looks just like a real one, but in fact it’s made of plastic. I had to resist the urge to keep the box. I kept the fork though. I mean, how awesome! As for the name on that Coca Cola bottle, since my name, Xanne-Li, will never be on such things I always carefully choose another name. This time I picked one with ‘Kai’ on it because that’s what my name would have been if I were a boy. Oh, and about that, I’m adopted, but still, if I turned out to be a boy, my name would’ve been Kai. ;) Anyways, today, or yesterday, I had something similar as dinner only this time it was Asian food. We ordered our meals by Wokamor. It’s a new restaurant/take-away in Gouda, the city where I live. Here are the sites to these amazing restaurants/take-aways, they’re Dutch. http://retail.nsstations.nl/formules/julia-s/home http://wokamor.weebly.com

Love,

Xanne-Li Olbertijn

Xoxo

“Because dreams do come true, and I believe in you!”

[xolbertijn]

Hello to y’all wonderful persons,

Yeah, I know, my salutation doesn’t exactly sound grammatically correct. Though it’s true, I’m talking to you all and you’re all wonderful persons. ;)

So, you can guess what this post is about. Jersey Boys the Musical, indeed! Yesterday I went to see the musical with my father and it was absolutely amazing! We got the original cast, which I think is awesome. I didn’t exactly know what to expect from this, because sure the songs and actors and actresses were amazing, but it was still a biography. Then again, a musical is never boring, or almost never, or it shouldn’t supposed to be boring, and so they outperformed my expectations. You should check out the amazing voices of the four lead roles. To be honest, doing research such as reading the synopsis and watching some YouTube videos isn’t enough. You really need to see the show. I was surprised by the fact that we were sitting so close to the stage. Like, it wasn’t that close, but I’ve never sat any closer before. It totally made you experience the story as if you were a part in it. And believe me, it really helps if you’re sitting closer to the stage. Personally I did love Nick Massi played by Robbert van den Bergh the most. Because he’s a quiet and modest man. He seems to have no worries or whatsoever and just goes along with the others. Also, Dieter Spileers did an amazing job as Bob Gaudio. Then there’s the ‘bad boy’, Tommy Devito played by René van Kooten, also well played. And of course there’s Frankie Valli, played by Tim Driesen. Really, that man can sing, what a voice. It’s funny, because he comes from Belgium and sometimes you could slightly hear that. And Bob Crewe, he’s just hilarious! The awesome thing is that Barry Beijer, who plays Bob Crewe, is one of my teachers at my theatre kinda club thing. To explain, it’s just like you follow piano lessons, only there you learn how to act, dance and sing. With other words, theatre lessons. Every year he gives some workshops there as one of the ‘guest teachers’. I’m really proud of what he’s doing, because he has real talent. That’s also why I decided I wanted to see Jersey Boys at least once, plus the fact I’ll be following theatre workshops at that theater, the Beatrix Theater, next week. When I watch a show I always have, what I call a ‘post-musical depression’, afterwards. Do you recognize that feeling when you’ve seen a show and never want that magical feeling, while watching it, to end? And the feeling when you want to stand on that stage yourself so badly? Well, that’s how I always feel after seeing a show. Rest me only one thing to say, go all see Jersey Boys the Musical and otherwise the movie! And it’s true, “Everybody remembers it how they need to.” ;)

Love,

Xanne-Li Olbertijn

Xoxo

“Because dreams do come true, and I believe in you!”