YOU ARE THE REASON
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EXPECTATIONS
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@xthexlostxgirlx
I feel myself trying to recoil back into my shell of loneliness and self loathing. Thoughts of not being worthy or good enough. Worrying if I'm somehow upsetting someone just by existing. Too much negative energy surrounding me and in the world causing swirly brain days. Random panic attacks. Sadness. Uncertainty.
I was put on this Earth to make others happy, not to find happiness for myself.
Got excited.
Started catching feels.
Reality set in.
Silly to even think,
Someone like you,
Could fall,
For someone like me.
I was high, so my guard was down.
Left swipes, missed matches.
Then there was you.
I stopped and gasped from your beauty.
I was drawn to you, I swiped right.
We matched, I was in shock.
You were real, it wasn't a joke.
I spent days wondering how, why.
With only words, you got my heart beating again.
The more we talk, the more I fall.
I'm terrified of letting go, but I crave you.
Could this be karma?
Could this be my happy ending?
Am I just setting myself up to hurt again?
Physically Exhausted.
Mentally Drained.
Thoughts Swirly.
Inner Battles.
Preference: Snuggle > Struggle.
Anxiety.
Sadness.
Madness.
M -
I miss flirting with you.
I miss being naughty with you.
I miss making you genuinely smile.
I miss the way your smile melted me a little each time.
I miss the way it felt like I'm not unwanted.
I miss what we could have been.
Tonight I had a bit of a flooding breakdown. First one in a bit tho so that's progress I guess? I started worrying about how I'm gonna take care of myself and go back to being poor and all those kinda thoughts. That turned into a spiral of thoughts and worries, including how I'm pushing myself to try to be healed and move forward and not letting myself "grieve" the loss of the relationship. It also made me realize how many of my friends I pushed aside when my focus was just on him being my world. Now I don't know what my world is. I'm lost. I need to keep reminding myself to go one day at a time until I'm ready for other thoughts or actions. I miss having someone that wants to kiss me and hold me.
In health/body news, I can put my belt on to the 4th set of loops. When I got the belt, it was already smaller than I normally would get, and I was on the 2nd set of loops for a while. I'm noticing little changes here and there and they inspire me to keep trying to eat better. I need to remind myself of things like this to help my self esteem and self worth issues.
Today at therapy he presented a rough separation agreement to help ease my fears of taking care of myself. He plans on continuing to pay the bills while we are still living under the same roof. He also plans to give me a lump some of money to help me learn to manage my own things for when I'm ready to live on my own. While it does feel good knowing this, any time I think about the future anxiety starts to erupt in my body. I do my best to change thought subject but sometimes I can't control it. I know I'm gonna get through this, one step at a time.
