when someone is having a difficult time, usually we say things like "let me know if there is anything i can do to help," which is well meaning, but it puts the burden on the person struggling to 1.) figure out what would help them and 2.) articulate a request for it.
usually i try instead to give people some menu options: "would it help if i ordered some food delivery to you? would you like some goofy distractions in the form of animal photos? do you need me to run interference with other folks so you can get some peace and quiet?" etc.
this comes up a lot at my church, because we always try to show up for people who need us, oftentimes during an illness or after a surgery. but again, it's hard to know what would be best. for some people, having food brought over is really helpful, but other people prefer to eat what they know they like and don't want to fuck around with fridge space for your random casserole. some people want lots of company and presence, while others would prefer to be given space and just welcomed back when they're ready. and it's hard to know what's right!
all this to say, it is such a huge gift to yourself AND your community when you can help people understand how to support you.
recently we had a woman at my church who had major hip surgery, and she emailed to ask me if the kids could make some decorations for her walker, because she'd need to use one for a while and they are "boring and ugly."
now, a lot of people at my church use mobility aids, and i would guess that for most of them, having a bunch of kid-crafted stuff stuck onto their cane or walker would not be too helpful. so i have never coordinated a "decorate their walker" activity.
but this lady is engaged with our children's ministry and very into fiber arts, and she sent me a very sweet email with the idea. yesterday the kids and i used bright fabric, ribbons, and beads to make fun walker decorations, and she really enjoyed them.
just the act of her speaking up and saying hey, here is a specific thing you can do that would make me feel better meant that our kids were able to have a meaningful hands-on experience of showing love and care to a member of our community AND she got something that helped in her recovery - it was such a blessing all around.
if you are someone who struggles to ask for help/support, please take this as a Sign to try spending some energy preparing a 'request menu' for yourself and thinking about who you could ask. truly, it is a gift to others when you let them care for you!
some ideas: come over and clean out my fridge; send me hilarious youtube videos; bring or send over some specific groceries; give me space to not feel guilty about not answering your texts and just wait for me to reach back out; mail me a physical card i can open; send me a fanfic you think i'd like; organize an evening to play jackbox or other games with friends; keep me company while i do laundry; call the pharmacy for me to see what i need to do about my prescription; go through the pile of mail on my table; help me schedule a doctor's appointment; etc.