Kermit

Just call me Kermit my dudes

[yikesyikesyikes95]

I've been feeding the squirrels raw almonds or celery occasionally. We don't have a schedule, and it started on accident. I had a dog that had meat allergies, so she had veggie/all natural treats — They were pumpkin based and had seeds. I used these to retrain her potty skills, but sometimes, she would make a huge mess eating them.

I noticed the squirrels liked the crumbs, so i looked up each individual ingredient, none of them harm squirrels.

My girl passed earlier this year, tho... So we naturally had a bunch of leftover dog stuff. I got rid of most stuff through family, but not all dogs like veggie treats 😂

So now I feed them $5 raw almonds like once a week.

[tojisteddy]

It’s not uncommon for pornstar!Simon to get pictures and videos from his fans getting off to his videos.

He’s seen some, deleted most if not all for his followers own protection on his end.

But there’s a video.

One he was just about delete till he accidentally clicked on.

Not a shit camera like his, as if the heavens had opened up, literally and metaphorically, the sun was shinging bright on your glistening wet pussy in 4k. Legs wide open so he can see past your folds to your wet labia minora, you pretty hole clenching and unclenching and drip, drip, dripping down to your asshole. You let out a little moan that makes Simon lean forward on his seat as he watches on the computer screen, eyes astonished, taking in your pretty thighs, the way the grey oversized shirt on you is ruffled up to your hips.

“Fuck- hck- this is crazy!” You’re breathless, leaning back into the pillows on your bed, chest rising and falling while your hardened nipples peak through. And then you bring your soaked hand down, your moan being held in as you bite your lip, holding your leg open with the back of your knee as you flick your own pulsing perl with the other hand.

“Shiiit Si, that’s so- oh my god!” Your voice goes up an octave, mewling, hips bucking in the air, your thumb so calculated as it circles around your budding clit, giving yourself small circles, then large ones, eyes squeeze shut. So delirious as you dream about your favorite pornstar drilling into you, giving your cubby cunt a smack, making you take his every inch of his thick girth till your crying, “More- more Si! Aangh!”

You wither, using the pads of your fingers now, rubbing your poor pussy faster, as if it’s not enough, begging to cum, incoherent whines about how you, “need you Si- I mmmh- need you so bad, uugh- need you!”

And Simon sees your sweet hole tighten, hard, gushing cream as you let out a scream of pleasure, legs shaking. And the video cuts black. The Brit doesn’t even realize he’s started drenching his underwear with the pre fuming from his mushroom tip.

He’s watched you again and again and again, till theres a crappy video of him in that chair in the basement, your video playing on his computer screen in the background, Simon milking himself raw. His cock rock hard but his hand is cum soaked white, twisting both his hands down red hot length, tightening them both, imagining feeling how hard you’d cum around his cock, milking him for filth. the shlick, shlick, shlick sound heard as he lets out a filthy groan.

“Fuck, you dirty girl, heh- you’re a bloody dirty thing, arentcha mama?” The vein of his neck is popping out, held tilted to the side, mouth forming a small ‘o’ whipping the small smirk off his scared and masked face, “Fuuuucks sake lovie!” Simon lets out a deep chuckle, voice cracking as he moans to the video.

And your eyes are wide as you watch his most recent upload after work. You were high as shit when you have the audacity to send that video. Didn’t even think he was the type to look at those kind of things from fans, especially when they weren’t asked for.

But you’re whimpering, wiggling on the bed from the heat starting to pool in your jeans.

Pornstar!Simon is getting off, to you.

His biggest fan.

a/n: I entered a flow state. They’re having a freak off.

Part one

[only-cat-memes]

[batsandboba]

“scientists don’t want you know” is a phrase that always cracks me up because if you actually meet a scientist they will be shaking and crying like an overstimulated chihuahua with the need to let you know

[scramratz]

I think people would be less suicidal if they were allowed to talk about being suicidal without risk of being sent to the Torture Dungeon

[trippiest]

what a beautiful day to not be in high school

[gayofthefae]

This is the like those “remember to be grateful you don’t have a sore throat right now” posts. It IS a beautiful day to not be in high school! Thank you!

[animentality]

[station18908]

The small voice in your head that says: "I don't need to write down every small detail of this plot idea, I love it so much, I'll remember this."

That's the devil speaking.

[cosmicretreat]

[simply-a-dream]

“don’t take it personally” how would you like me to take it then? professionally? romantically? academically?

[creative-anchorage]

[suriandtaal]

[lesserthan-3]

Portal pussy with tf141 but it’s your job to figure out who has your pussy for the day.

You’re shaking and sweating, holding the base of the chair so tightly that your knuckles turn white. The circular sensation against your clit has been non stop and your brain is about to turn to mush because of it.

“You okay, love? You look tense.” You glare at price to which he gives you a knowing smirk. “Not too much now. I’m still your captain. Could send you to train the recruits if I wanted to.” There’s an intentional pause- as if to leave the mind to imagine. “although I doubt you’ll be able to demonstrate much in this state.”

You lift your hips off the chair in hopes to alleviate some of the friction but to no avail. A string of curses leaves your lips. “Fuck…I’m gonna cum.”

“Easy now.” Ghost chimes in. “Still in a briefing. Keep it professional, kid.”

“You could just take a guess- put an end to it.” Kyle so kindly suggests. There’s a few menacing chuckles in response. “Remember your forfeit though.”

And just like that- the sensation stops. It’s both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, you no longer have to climax in front of your team at a mission briefing, while on the other, your thighs are now rubbing against one another for any amount of friction that could just give you that relief you need.

Later in the day, Soap finds you curled up on a couch, clutching your lower abdomen and eyes just a little bit glazed over. “You look like shite.”

And you felt like it. “One of you fuckers has been edging me all day,” you mumble, pressing your legs so tightly together as if that would do you any good.

“At least you know it’s not me, you know I like to give ya what you want.”

You shoot him a glare- because Soap will let you cum. The problem is, that’s all he does. You’re climaxing at least once an hour when he has your pussy, and he’s not shy to experimenting.

He’ll grind the toy against the corner of his desk, he’ll hold it under running water, he’ll even go so far as to tie it to a vibrator as he’s sleeping just to make sure you’re left satisfied.

And the day will always end the same- soap locked inside his room while you’re banging for him with cute glistening tears, begging and sobbing for him to stop which just isn’t enough for him until you’re sitting in a puddle of your own arousal outside his door.

“C’mon, lass. Just take a guess.” He steps closer, lifting your chin with a finger. His eyes glimmer with excitement when he sees the way you’re practically looking through him and not at him. “You get it right, you get your cute cunnie back. And if you get it wrong…” he leans closer to your ear, “I’ll take ya first and you know I’m good at making ya cum.”

The offer is tempting, and you almost mutter a name in his advice but suddenly you gasp when you feel a low vibration make contact with your sore clit.

You hunch over, gripping the back of the couch. “What’s going on?” You don’t even have the strength to look up but from voice alone, you know it’s Gaz.

“Looks like someone’s having fun.”

Gaz’s eyes trace from a smug soap to a pitiful you. “What d’they got going on?”

Your voice strains as you try to speak. “V-vibe.”

Gaz nods in understanding. “Sounds like ghost or price. Me? I’m a traditional man.”

Soap snorts. “Oh, we know.”

Gaz, cursed at him, rolling his eyes with no real heat behind it. But soap was right. Gaz always talking about how he wants to meet the love of his life “naturally” and properly court her, have a romantic wedding, have two kids (one boy, one girl), basically he was traditional in every sense.

This includes in the bedroom where he doesn’t believe in the need for toys. Instead, he’ll plunge his fingers in your pussy till it’s sopping and crying, and then he’ll drink it all up with the tip of his nose pushing against the hood of you clit- all to do it over and over and over again.

The pair continue to argue but you drown out their voices as you feel that sinking feeling deep in your gut again. The vibrations are so perfectly pressed against your clit that it has you seeing stars.

It has to be price, right? The fingers from earlier were rough with experience but the movements themselves were patient and experienced. They move in perfect circles up and down your folds, playing with them like pages on a book before teasingly flicking against your clit.

Or is it ghost? It’s more likely for ghost to be using a vibrator than price. He loves his toys, has a whole fancy collection that are “just for testin’” he says. But usually ghost is a little rougher, isn’t he? So maybe it’s-

The thought is cut off when you feel a blunt, large head of a vibrator forcefully being pushed against your opening. Your eyes widen, and whoever is toying with you isn’t in the room but you instinctively scream anyways which draws the attention of both Gaz and soap. “waitwaitwaitwait- It won’t fit!”

God- fuck- it had to be him. It had to be. Oh shit, just say a name. Or is it price? No- he wouldn’t. Or? Fuck- you could literally count down the seconds as the head stretches you wider and wider and - “Ghost! Stop it!”

And just like that…it stops. And for a moment, it feels like time stops.

“Oh? Looks like we have a name.”

You’re panting for dear life, vision blurry as you curl up in the couch, oblivious to the rest of the team flooding in the room.

Price kneels by your side, placing a warm hand on your forehead and using his thumb to brush away the hair that sticks to your forehead.

Once you catch your breath, you roll over slowly. Your vision is a blur, but it gradually comes to focus and you recognize price’s look of concern with the rest of them peering over his shoulder.

“Did I get it right?”

The men pause, none of them giving it away, until you notice a twitch of Price’s mustache followed my an upward turn of a crooked smile. “Oh, fuck.”

A deep and amused laugh confirms what you already know and Soap is already taking off his belt, “I’m going first, lads.”

“Why do you go first? Price did all of the work.” Gaz retorts, finger twitching in retaliation.

“Called dibs. Didn’t I, lassie?”

Gaz lets out a sputter of disbelief. “Oi, You can’t just call dibs on something like that!”

“Her mouth is still open if you want it.” Soap is already at your legs, grabbing them by the ankles and pulling them apart.

Gaz’s jaw clenches in annoyance…or is it jealousy? He looks at Price, who gives him a fatherly shrug. There’s a moment of hesitation before he’s also undoing his belt, mumbling underneath his breath. “Bloody dibs…an idiot really.”

[cherriesnkisses]

the concept of having MEGAN THEE STALLION and still being like “babe idk if i can be monogamous” IM SICK TO MY FUCKING STOMACH I HATE MEN I HATE MEN

[tojisteddy]

Megan cooked for that man’s family, spent holidays with him, brought his favorite artists out for his birthday, bought a house with the man, expensive gifts, had him in such good graces with female fans bases—

JUST TO CHEAT. NOW KLAY THOMPSON IS PUBLIC ENEMY #1

[creekfiend]

just got phone call from my neurologist WHO IS ON VACATION may his name never be erased, basically being like. "ok so your insurance is trying to kill you. I've referred dozens of people to Duke for this and this has never happened. they're being purposefully confusing and sending us all in circles. they keep sending me forms asking ME to agree to pay for your treatment no matter how many times I explain that I am THE REFERRING PHYSICIAN. so here's what you're going to do-" and gave us instructions on what to do when the health insurance corporation is trying to kill you

this is not his job. his job is being my neurologist.

his job is not "call patients after hours while I'm on vacation because I'm afraid if I don't give them this guidance their insurance company might murder them and so even though this isn't my job it feels like a fucking hostage situation"

anyway. he confirmed that the shit my insurance has been pulling for a month and a half is explicitly Trying To Kill The Patient behavior. told us to get everything in writing. sending us a whole packet of every single relevant form and piece of paperwork so we have it all on hand. told us to contact the patient advocate and if that doesn't work, we're going to have to go outside the company entirely and get the state insurance ombudsman involved.

so. that's fun. and a totally productive use of everyone's time and resources. I've had insurance companies be shitty to me but I've never been the Patient They're Explicitly Trying To Kill before. like I've never had them throw this much energy at blocking a procedure this lifesaving. it actually feels even worse than I thought it would!

[mortalityplays]

there is no single argument against including trans women in sports that doesn't boil down to "women aren't supposed to be good at this" and it's fucking insane to me that every woman in the world isn't up in arms about the way this issue has laid institutional misogyny bare to the bone

[byjove]

I don’t think Cinnamon is that bad of a name to name a child. Would I name my kid Cinnamon? Fuck no. BUT if Sage, Dill, Pepper and Rosemary are permissible, I’m giving Cinnamon a pass.

[homunculus-argument]

When you're having a phone call in a shared space with other people in it, putting the call on speaker is the cue for it being an open conversation that everyone there is welcome to participate in. Imagine how rude it would be if you were hanging out with people as a group, and someone interrupted you to tell you that nobody was talking to you, even though there's seven people there.

That's how rude it is for someone to tell you to shut up when they're having a phone call on speaker in the bus right next to you and you decide to let their friend know your opinion of the subject. By putting the call on speaker, they already invited you into the conversation, and it's very rude of them indeed to invite you into it just to tell you that you're not allowed to participate.