It’s a newfound love you see. Walking. Thinking and then writing what I thought while I walked back to my house that particular afternoon. There are some things you see, some things that you just simply know are good for your soul. It’s been almost 18 years, and my life has been confined to rooms and mobile phones and study tables and laptops and papers with sketch pens and print outs of vague insignificant information copied from Wikipedia. I was never let out. Into the park right in front of my house or outside to play with friends or to school trips with my classmates or simply outings with those scarce number of people who were not ashamed to call me their friend in public. I must have been an awkward person to approach, or maybe not a very pleasing thing to the eye I suppose. For I rarely had people around me.
So soon all that I had were notes and textbooks and when they let me free for a little while, I had my thoughts, a few faces I tried to love, some books, characters in them, their stories, struggles, experiences and the lessons they learnt in life. And at night again, I had my thoughts, the monsters under my bed, the dogs howling in the street, an eventual flying by bat, the mesmerizing smell of the night blooming jasmine, the stars, this moon, and darkness. I became an over thinker, then I became a self-loathing lunatic, then a sane yet emotional philosopher and finally one day, I became a numb soul. And soon I’ve had so much of myself I needed some more people to know, and this time, I didn’t want them to talk through pages or have myself read them but instead I wanted them to feel a kind of safety in me, so they themselves could pour the poison that holds their minds a prisoner into this ocean of my own. So I made it a point to somehow find myself humans to read, for now my eyes were tired, but my heart’s hunger was nowhere close to satisfaction.
And soon I met some. Some crazies, some numb like me, some hiding their pain behind a smile, some not scared to show me the wounds, while a few brave enough to love me. I made it a point none of them knew much about my physical appearance, for that is something I am still not quite comfortable with, or maybe you can say, still not in love with. So I showed them only the parts of me that I loved, turns out many of them found those parts beautiful too, while most wanted to own them, some didn’t believe in their reality, a few wanted to simply admire from afar. And soon I started loving myself a little more, these people made me understand how beautiful I was and how much I’ve been keeping away from myself, they made me understand how much I deserve while I helped a few of them see the worth of a life they were simply wasting away.
Then I had some big life decisions being thrown at me, I had family pressure, well that’s no big deal, all of us go through some shit days to earn the best ones of our lives. And the best part was, I didn’t go through it all alone, I had a major life support system with me. And that life support system, well, I still am quite confused if I am dependent on it or I just like it to be close by. Well dependence is bad, and so is addiction. So I believe I’d have to learn to live without it soon, I’ll try my best not to cut myself this time, for strangely I like the sight of my own blood on the white marble floor. But I also read somewhere today, we are all addicted to things that make us feel alive, and this thing keeps me breathing, the only reasons I haven’t strangled myself with my own hands.
Decisions made, more like going with the flow, like a dead fish would do. So yes, ended up joining the college I had not in the wildest of my dreams imagined I’d ever set a foot into. But well, they say life’s unpredictable, and they are pretty damn right! Life took a roller-coaster turn from here. Not only was I scared to enter this new place but I was also very much determined to show the world what I truly am. I had decided or to be completely honest and more precise, I had been made to believe that this extremely talented girl needs to show the world what she’s got, not to prove anything to anyone but because the world needs to know people like me still exist. And that is what I did then, the talent I had kept hidden behind the doors all these years of my life out of fear of failure and mainly rejection from others, was being applauded, because now rejection didn’t matter, all that mattered was self-satisfaction. And here I started opening up, meeting new people, socializing, being the Nidhi I had imagined I would be or what I truly was, not a scared little girl anymore, but a confident, outspoken and a beautiful in her own way woman. And then how can I forget that day, when I was, for the first time in my life, even though it was out of sheer chance or luck or jealousy of others or whatever one may call it, got a responsibility in my life, well, even at that moment, my first thought was to reject it, but no I didn’t, I made it a point to now show the world that I can be a leader. And I did. I took the responsibility and till now, have been great at it. Satisfied with myself. Yes I am, happy and satisfied with all I’ve got.
So I guess I would like to conclude this 19th birthday entry at this good note, by simply saying that I am happy and satisfied with what I’ve got in life, especially with all the people I’ve got. The year 2017 would be remembered as one of the many best yet to come, it had its highs and lows, but all’s well that ends well.
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