ohlawd

idk I'm just here doing my thang.

[help-n-quotes]

I don’t want to be a sweetheart. I want to be the fucking love of your life.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (via help-n-quotes)

[feministism]

[pandaaamonium14]

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral… _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[skrillcholas-cage]

oh my god these are great

[princemetalthunder]

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes

[jamesniall]

HERE, HAVE A JOKE IN SPANISH:

“-sabe inglés?

-si

-como se dice ”un zapato” en inglés?

-a shoe

-salud

-gracias”

[ayellowbirds]

[sieunies]

google just made me so emo

[felicitysmoak-queeen]

oh my god I can’t stop crying

[beingbreannaleigh]

From a strictly marketing standpoint. This is the best ad of all time. Like…well fucking done Google.

[worldwariotwo]

I’m not crying you’re crying

[tyleroakley]

so ready for 2018. let’s do this.

[shubbabang]

[boxedvixen]

ITS SO CUTE I HAVE TO REBLOG IT AGAINN

[yaritzalikeszombies]

I WANNA BE THIS KIND OF PARENT

[solosclark]

#i was surprised this didnt end in some sort of murder #i’ve been on tumblr too long

[imcolinshea-blog]

“Ye”

[rosevelveteen]

Using coconut oil as eye makeup remover has changed my life for the better. My eyelashes have grown to the point where they curl and are visible over my eyelids. And it works wonders for stubborn makeup that can’t be removed by makeup wipes. It’s a 2 in 1 deal and it’s purely organic. Reblog to save a life

[yomamasaywuh]

i have no where to turn

[yomamasaywuh]

i stopped believing in god because it felt like he stopped believing in me.

[yomamasaywuh]

my dark humor hides my crippling depression

[1017andpregnant-deactivated2017]

[easymode-deactivated20160730]

can someone explain this

[sonic06apologist]

only butchers understand…

[gorgonsach]

if you’re not a butcher do not reblog this post

[best-of-memes]

[intj-confessions]

Neat.

[toservethequeen-deactivated2015]

neat. neat?!?! youre looking at day and night AT THE SAME TIME, don you realize thats been completely impossible until like the past ten years. To be looking at this is straight up INSANE.

neat.

you fuckin kidding me

[intj-confessions]

Neat.

[yomamasaywuh]

it's so hard staying strong.

[vanish]

[teenscoolest]

[refiningfire]

but i don’t

[1hat3u]

hopeless romantic with trust issues and a sex drive out the roof