Lovin' Me

[you-do-not-deserveme]

What if we had never met? What then? Would I have even had to go on anxiety medication at all?

[you-do-not-deserveme]

Does anyone else think that they are crazy for acting crazy about something that is straight up crazy? Because same.

[you-do-not-deserveme]

Maybe if you lived a day in my shoes you would understand why I am the way that I am...

[you-do-not-deserveme]

I have to the realization that being in a healthy relationship is something I know nothing about. Being cheated on doesn’t really help that fact. But just think about it for a second. If toxic is all you’ve ever known, would you recognize it’s even toxic at all?

[you-do-not-deserveme]

All these years I think I had it twisted. While I was busy making you the centre of my world, my family was forgetting who I was. While I was working to become a part of your life, I was slowly backing myself away from the people who should have mattered most. See you don’t understand why it is that I have started to retract now. I gave you everything and you still tell me it’s not enough.

[you-do-not-deserveme]

I think it’s funny how something can break you down physically, mentally and emotionally. And then one day you wake up and the pain is no longer relevant.

[you-do-not-deserveme]

Heartbreak is a weird place to be in. A sort of limbo that just sits. Some days the pieces all fit and then the next it’s like starting at day 1. I guess that’s why they call it a journey. Because you don’t ever really know when it’s gonna end.

[you-do-not-deserveme]

You came back into my life right as I was starting to put myself back together. Maybe that’s why we were destined to fail from the beginning. You never had all of me, just pieces of the girl I was before you. And it took losing myself to realize that maybe some things are better off left broken.

[you-do-not-deserveme]

I guess I just got sick of begging for the bare minimum.

[you-do-not-deserveme]

Is there even such a thing as being addicted to something that isn't going to eventually destroy you?

you-do-not-deserveme

[you-do-not-deserveme]

I feel like my odds with you were always out of my hands anyways. Like the way a poker player bets on luck and still loses.

you-do-not-deserveme

[you-do-not-deserveme]

You were a red flag and baby I guess I was just fucking colour blind.

you-do-not-deserveme

[you-do-not-deserveme]

They say depression kills. That part I haven't doubted. They tell you it's all in your head, that you have to fight like hell to get through it. I don't doubt that either. Every bit of it is true. I just never could have imagined that I would be the one doing the most damage.

you-do-not-deserveme

[you-do-not-deserveme]

I think its funny that you don't even realize you have hit your lowest point until you've spent a minute living in it.

[you-do-not-deserveme]

I met you when my world was falling apart and you quickly became the reason I was able to hold it together. But a lot can change in 3 years and I guess that’s what happened to us. I can’t really say exactly what it was but it was something. And all of a sudden you became the reason I couldn’t hold it together anymore.

[you-do-not-deserveme]

I looked into myself hoping I would find the problem. I spent hours trying to figure out what I could change to better us. I gave everything I had to this relationship and it still wasn’t enough. I wanted it to be you and me. That was all that I wanted. But I didn’t give up on this because I wanted to. I gave up on it because I had to.

[you-do-not-deserveme]

I hope one day you realize that I didn’t just walk away. That I didn’t give up on us. I got tired. Tired of trying to be enough. Tired of bringing up the past hoping it would be the last time. Tired of wiping the tears off my face. Tired of begging for you to show up for me the way I needed you to. I didn’t give up. I didn’t walk away. I made a decision that hurt me more than you’ll ever know. A decision you forced me to make by questioning my worth.