Wonderland

[throwtime]

I’m about to have a fun afternoon.

So my trainer’s bf cheated on her. She broke up with him. He’s holding her stuff hostage until she agrees to talk with him. Which she refuses.

She trains; for free mind you; three college linebackers, a college wrestler, two martial artists, a body builder, and… wait for it…. a Navy seal. We’re gonna go get her shit for her.

This should make for an interesting story.

[throwtime]

So everyone who commented on this being like the avengers, you are absolutely right. That’s what all of us had in our heads as we were rolling over to dude’s house. But I’m very proud to say, this ended without violence.

Arrival:

So the super friends all jumped into one of the linebacker’s explorer and headed over to dude’s house. Ok the squad: you all know me, but the other martial artist is a little wirey hapkido guy, the linebackers are all giants (an estimated combined weight of I’d say 750-800lbs), the wrestler looks like an escaped gorilla, then the navy seal looks like your average guy but something about him is unsettling. Really unsettling. Unfortunately, the body builder had to work. Anyway, we send the Hapkido guy and the wrestler to the door first and dude answers, screams at them, and then slams the door in their face. Then the giant linebackers head over and they ring the door bell again. Lo and behold, he was much more polite, but still denied access. Finally, me and the seal join the fray. I casually make my way towards the front of the group, but the seal decides to CLIMB THE BANISTER. We all just turned and started at him completely shocked when dude answers the door. He looks at this weird mismatched group of relatively threatening individuals and one guy perched on his banister like batman. He was like “FINE. Go take what you’re looking for.”

Retrieval:

So we’re all walking through the house gathering what we think are her things and putting them into two boxes. Mind you. We are completely guessing. We didn’t even tell her we were coming, therefore we had no list of items.The only one really being productive was Hapkido, who was legitimately looking for stuff. The linebackers were just randomly picking up furniture, turning it over, and putting it back down. Just showing off how strong they were. In case the numbers game wasn’t enough, I guess they were letting him know they could break him if they wanted to. The seal was just shadowing dude in his own house. Walking behind him, not saying much, just being creepy. Then there’s me. Who was causing general mischief…. He said to take what I was looking for, that’s what I was looking for. Ahaha and the wrestler made a fricken sandwich. Because “you guys look like you have it under control, and I’m a sucker for egg salad.” We were in and out in 15 minutes.

Delivery:

So the autobots rolled out and headed towards homegirl’s spot. She was conveniently outside when we rolled up. We got out and she was like, how do you all even know each other. The truth is, we don’t. She sent us all an email once and didn’t blind copy us all. She vented to all of us about dude holding onto her stuff and we started emailing and that was that. We told her that we went to see her ex. “OMG what did you say to him?” Nothing. We’re not messenger boys. We’re delivery boys. And we gave her her boxes of stuff. She went through the first box and said that was most of her stuff. Then she got to my box and asked “Wtf is all that shit.” So I explained that I took all the batteries out of his remote controls, his deodorant, the light bulb out of his master closet, every pair of dress socks that I could find, the laces out of his running shoes, and all the toilet paper in the house. The guys just looked at me and kind of nodded like they were impressed. She then unexpectedly started CRYING and thanked us. So you have this group of meat heads all standing awkwardly with this weeping trainer. It was quiet for a second when the seal was like “So…. chipoltle?” And we all got burrito bowls.

What a great day.

[thedragonflywarrior]

This is literally the most beautiful and thrilling tale. Start to finish.

[fightsinlipstick]

I am almost in tears I am laughing so hard. This is beautiful. I can’t believe you took all the toilet paper. I’m dying. Help. It sounds like the start of a joke: two martial artists, a wrestler, two linebackers and a Navy Seal walk into a Chipotle.

[abrandnewtomorrow]

I have reblogged this a dozen times and I will reblog it a dozen more.

[thisblogdeadyeet]

[xpineapplethiefx]

It’s a mix of hell and outer space.

[sobrietykilledtheteenager-blog]

how are u going to tell me mermaids dont exist then 

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

dont quote me on this but im pretty sure weve only found baby giant squids so we dont actually know how big they can be

we also know like nothing about lobsters since most of them on the ocean floor and some marine scientists predict that, theoretically, there could be submarine sized lobsters

[foothive-deactivated20170802]

cats opening doors with their faces is astounding. you got four paws little fool.

[helium-argon-co2]

I love fat cats that get picked up and look kind of alarmed about it as if their magnificent girth could have prevented this sort of injustice

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

“HOW THEY LIFT ME WHEN I AM LORGE”

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

idk if I’ve posted about this before but by far the strangest things that’s happened to me in retail was the time someone’s total came out to my birth-year and I said “hey! that’s the year I was born!” and then the next customer’s total came out to like $12.57 and just bc I’m a weirdo I said “hey! that’s the year I was born!” and without missing a fucking beat this like, 70+ year old man said

“Ah! Another like me! We’re few and far between these days, aren’t we?”

And I was like oh man this guy’s sense of humor really aligns with mine! And I laughed and made some other joke about being immortal and thought that was the end of it,

but this man.

He stood by the register for five more minutes. Maybe more. Which let me tell you is an EXCRUTIATING amount of time for something like this to happen.

And he just kept upping the ante!! He starting talking about some REALLY specific details regarding day-to-day life in the 1300s to the point I started getting worried that I’d misled a genuinely immortal being to believe I am also immortal.

He eventually politely left when I got too busy with other customers to awkwardly respond.

Who the fuck was that guy.

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

I think it’s also important to mention this happened at Cracker Barrel.

[cooperhoward]

i just found out merriam webster has a time traveler feature that tells you some of the words that were “born” the same year as you. it’s pretty neat yall should do this

[princesshamlet-deactivated20210]

i’m the same age as twerking and bromance guys

[team-ginger-himbos]

‘Internet service provider’….how fucking old am I???!!

[sleepless-onyx-night]

I’m the same age as pole-dancing you guys

[0deerling0-inactive]

…..

Clickbait

..

I’m the same age as clickbait

Jfc

[hyperbemily]

I finally did this. And I am the same age as Hepatitis E.

[alxblack17]

F-bomb

I approve

[glassescat]

OK SO I WAS AT THE FABRIC STORE AND I WALKED BY SOME MEMORIAL DAY THEMED FABRIC AND 

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS

WHY ARE THE ABS SO DETAILED AND NOT THE FACE WHAT

OMFG LINCOLN LOOKS LIKE EDWARD CULLEN WITH A BEARD I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS SHIT

[westerninfluence]

I HAVE A DRESS MADE OUT OF THIS FABRIC AND I GOT TO BE IN A PARADE BECAUSE OF IT

[picklesandwine]

This is the Alexander Henry Pin-Up collection - and they are all fucking amazing!

[banananutcraycray]

OKAY I WORK IN A FABRIC STORE AND ONE TIME THIS LITTLE OLD LADY CAME UP TO ME AND SLAMMED THE INDEPENDENCE DAY ONE DOWN ON THE COUNTER AND SAID, “THIS. THIS IS WHAT OUR COUNTRY NEEDS.”

[tardisinthetimewarp]

I had an older man come into the fabric store that I used to work in and dropped 3 bolts of the firefighter one on my counter and said, “I need this. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with it, but I need it.” a man behind him then yelled, “Pyjamas!” and the first man said, “My husband recommends pyjamas.” 

[turing-tested]

i really am, from the bottom of my heart, an actual fucking idiot

[sebagrelle]

grocery store: *plays some funky 80s song*

my poor mother: please dont

me, immediately dancing in the middle of the aisle:

[henryscavills]

[amargedom]

“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.”

— Audrey Hepburn (via naturaekos)

[broadwayfangirlblr]

Dear Anyone Who Hates Cats

My cat literally sleeps next to my face until she thinks I’m asleep and then she’ll move to the end of my bed. If I wake up at night she’ll go back up to me head and stay with me until I fall asleep again. In the morning she’ll follow me when I call her. She’s a precious lil nugget.

[princesstigerbelle]

[princesstigerbelle]

My best friend!!!!

[cliteralviolence]

I LOVE HER.

[procrastinatingbookworm]

i would die for that cat

[rarabro]

siri read a message from my mom (2017)

[harlequinesque]

i think we’ve gotten as close to a real life Howler as we can get

[discogolfmagazine]

this is literally the funniest thing Ive ever seen in my life

[thebootydiaries]

me: time isn’t real

me: why did it take you exactly 3 hours 24 min and 36 seconds to respond to my text

[stability]

[thewallsofconcrete]

RARE HISTORIC PHOTOS WE MIGHT HAVEN’T YET SEEN

An Exotic Dancer Demonstrates That Her Underwear Was Too Large To Have Exposed Herself, After Undercover Police Officers Arrested Her In Florida

Dorothy Counts – The First Black Girl To Attend An All-White School In The United States – Being Teased And Taunted By Her White Male Peers At Charlotte’s Harry Harding High School, 1957

Austrian Boy Receives New Shoes During WWII

Jewish Prisoners After Being Liberated From A Death Train, 1945

The Graves Of A Catholic Woman And Her Protestant Husband, Holland, 1888

A Lone Man Refusing To Do The Nazi Salute, 1936

Job Hunting In 1930’s

German Soldiers React To Footage Of Concentration Camps, 1945

Residents Of West Berlin Show Children To Their Grandparents Who Reside On The Eastern Side, 1961

Acrobats Balance On Top Of The Empire State Building, 1934

Mafia Boss Joe Masseria Lays Dead On A Brooklyn Restaurant Floor Holding The Ace Of Spades, 1931

Lesbian Couple At Le Monocle, Paris, 1932

The Most Beautiful Suicide – Evelyn Mchale Leapt To Her Death From The Empire State Building, 1947

The Remains Of The Astronaut Vladimir Komarov, A Man Who Fell From Space, 1967

Race Organizers Attempt To Stop Kathrine Switzer From Competing In The Boston Marathon. She Became The First Woman To Finish The Race, 1967

Harold Whittles Hearing Sound For The First Time, 1974

Nikola Tesla Sitting In His Laboratory With His “Magnifying Transmitter” more

[jonesywrites-deactivated2025050]

Wow

[goneintorapture]