The Speed of Pain

My feelings and random cool shit.

[youarefirehun]

Why is my brain an absolute dick to me. Whenever things are going well, it just punches me in the heart and in the gut, trying to sabotage any real happiness I have. I don't know how to overcome it and control it. I fucking hate this.

[philosophyquotes]

“A dream is what makes people love life even when it is painful.”

— Theodore Zeldin

[quotespile]

“True feeling is always circular — either circular, or paradoxical — simply because its cause and its expression are two halves of the very same thing! Love cannot be reduced to a catalogue of reasons why, and a catalogue of reasons cannot be put together into love. Any man who disagrees with me has never been in love — not truly.”

— Eleanor Catton, The Luminaries

[philosophyquotes]

“I can talk to anybody but when it comes to somebody that I like, then I turn into like this five-year-old kindergartner in a sandbox.”

— Jonathan Bennett

[philosophyquotes]

“If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company.”

— Jean-Paul Sartre

[extramadness]

[metal-memes]

[ransnacked]

marshmallow web ghost cake | sprinkle bakes

[philosophyquotes]

“But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”

— Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

[philosophyquotes]

“Be crumbled. So wild flowers will come up where you are. You have been stony for too many years. Try something different. Surrender.”

— Rumi

[dayofutopia]

NUTELLA BROWNIE MOUSSE CAKE WITH MILK CHOCOLATE MIRROR GLAZE

[dayofutopia]

LEMON & WHITE CHOCOLATE MOUSSE CAKE

[qvotable]

“And so it seems I must always write you letters that I can never send.”

— Sylvia Plath

[youarefirehun]

Would anyone actually be surprised...

If I ended it all?

People say they are worried because of the posts I make but that’s only after I start a conversation with them. If I decided to end it all now, would they be shocked or would they think to themselves ‘I wish I reached out’?

I feel so fucking lonely. But I don’t want to see anyone anyway. Meh.

[youarefirehun]

I fell in love with someone who doesn’t want me

It hurts. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I will never find anyone like him again and I’m not ok with that.

I feel like a burden trying to talk about this with my friends as it’s been pretty much a month since things ended. He said he would love to stay friends but doesn’t seem interested in talking to me anymore.

He’s dating someone else already. He led me on for months. Yet here I am, still in love with him and still dwelling over where it went wrong. Wracking my brains trying to think what I could have done differently.

We connected. Surely it can’t be just me that felt it. He told me he thought we did too. He said the chemistry and sexual attraction was there. So why wasn’t it enough?

I’m pretty much obsessed at this point. My ego is damaged. My heart is shattered. I’m lonely.

I’m just not ok. And I don’t feel like my friends really give a shit. They act like I should be able to just get over it. Well I can’t. Everyday I look in the mirror and find new flaws with my appearance. I don’t think anyone else will ever fancy me especially not in the way he did. I don’t want to do this anymore.

I’m really. Really. Not ok. :(

[youarefirehun]

And I do love you, still.

[youarefirehun]

The first time we met.

I’m just laying here, thinking about the first time we met. We’d been talking for a few weeks and were both excited to finally meet each other.

I walked into the pub, shaking with nerves because I really liked you already. I didn’t know what to expect, I’d seen pictures of you but couldn’t visualise how tall you were or your body type in person. I meet new people all the time in work and it’s a breeze. But with you, I was nervous as hell. I was worried I’d be boring or a stuttering mess. I was scared you wouldn’t find me as attractive in real life especially after you ‘superliked’ me.

As I walked over to the bar, I spotted you. My body language displayed my nerves, my shoulders were tense and I couldn’t look you in the eye. You were warm and open, your eyes… those fucking eyes 😍… you had a twinkle in them. I could tell you were really happy with what was stood in front of you. That made me feel absolutely amazing, I felt like a 10/10. You stretched out your arms and gave me a hug, which instantly put me a bit more at ease.

I kept noticing you looking at me in disbelief. It felt incredible, my confidence was soaring. You looked at me the way Ryan Gosling looks at love interests in his films. Cheesy as fuck I know, but honestly amazing to me. I wish I could have captured all of that, like on that episode of Black Mirror, so that I can replay it over and over again now.

Your smile. I fucking love that smile. Your green eyes. Uhhhhhhh. I have never been this attracted to someone before. You’re imperfections make you incredibly perfect to me. I love the way you look at me. It’s honestly like a drug.

Of course, it’s your personality that keeps me around. You’re so funny. You are so much fun. You make me really happy and I want what we have to grow and continue for a long time.

I like you. A lot.

[youarefirehun]

Long story short, what we have didn’t grow and continue. And I’m fucking heart broken.