Dear geln and Leah,
I have a crush and I don't know what to do about it. Normally I'm super empowered and if there's someone I want to date, I respectfully ask them out, but this time I'm feeling awkward and useless. I just can't get over the fact I think she's going to reject me and I'm going to be embarrassed. I know she's queer, but I don't know if she's available. We don't ever see each other, so it's not like I'd have to deal with the rejection every day or anything, and we only have mutual acquaintances, who I hardly ever see either. I'm just really dragging my heels over asking her out even though I think she's super cool, super interesting and really attractive. Can you talk me back to my usual levels of badassery?
Yours affectionately,
Self-doubt Central
Thanks for that, SDC. I was gonna give me suggestion straight away but I think itāll help if u understand where Iām coming from first. Soā¦hereās my lil experience of this:
Ok so I work in an office with 99% women and then thereās basically me, Lord Scampington himself. Welllllā¦.I am mates with all these amazing people and we talk in and out of office etc etc to varying degrees and I never really think of them romantically. However, there was one who I spoke to more than the others over a number of months. Letās call herā¦.Belinda. Now I honestly couldnāt tell that Belinda liked me, I just thought she wanted to be buds. She is very nice, strong, friendly, caring, attractive etc etc but just didnāt work for me. Alsoā¦I was seeing my now GFā¦letās call her Queen Scampiā¦.and I was/am p focused on her *love heart eyes emoji* so I was a lil bit closed for new things. ANYWAY, this continued for quite some time and eventually I was in Liverpool at this event and she was whatsapping me as I was getting ready and THEN suddenly this went down:
Her: GlenN (2 Ns), can I ask your advice on something my friend just asked?
Me: Sure, dunno what help Iāll be but ok!
Her: Ok so I have a male friend who likes his female friend but this female friend is seeing someone else. Should he step up and tell her in the hope to start a relationship whilst being aware that if she isnāt interested, heāll have to suck it up and it might be awkward for a while. OR should he repress it and let her get on with her relationship happily.
Me: Ohhh man. Iām not very good at this stuff sorry! *lol i never give this kinda advice in everyday life!!!*
Her: Hmmm.
2 mins later
Her: OK SO THOSE PPL IN THAT STORY WERE ME N U. I LIKE YOU.
Ok so thatās how it went down. Kinda high-school way to go about it lol but you gotta do what you gotta do so fair play my son fair play m8. Now bear in mind I work with her in a tiny office etc etc so she unavoidable and we have to work closely day in day out.
How I felt: I felt complimented cos sheās really nice and when isnāt it nice to be liked by nice ppl? AND I respected her more for stepping up to the plate and just GOING for it. So brave. Who doesnāt like brave people?
So, I told her that thatās really nice etc etc but Iām afraid I really like Queen Scampi etc etc and we left it.
EVERYTHING WAS FINE UP UNTIL THIS POINT
Sooooo. The next day I turned up to work earlyā¦who was in the officeā¦.yep, Belinda. Now IMO it should have only been awkward for the first few mins and then weād just carry on as normal or as near as possible and laugh at it etc etc. BUT where I think it fell down for me was that she totally blanked me (prob cos she didnāt want to think about me/might have been hurt or embarrassed/other feelings that sheās entitled to) and it suddenly felt way more awkward between us than it needed to be (to me, at least) and then I resented her telling me this because our relationship as friends had just been ruined and we didnāt speak any more :(
SO, my first bit of advice would be to not quell those feelings. Donāt repress something so positive and beautiful. I think most ppl would be absolutely flattered if you said to them āhey, I like youā, so donāt deprive them/you of that. Once itās out there, itās out. IF she says she likes you, too, (who wouldnāt????) then woohoo - youāve positioned yourself as an honest, loving, expressive person. Perfect. IF she says that she doesnāt feel the same way/is in a relationship etc etc, my advice would be to say thatās totally understandable and that it was worth the risk (ANOTHER COMPLIMENT FOR THEM) and then just swag it out and keep doing you - again, you still present yourself as honest, loving, expressive. Cool.
Now this links into my last bit of advice that Iām still struggling to live by. And it is what Iām formatively calling THE SWAG FACTOR. Essentially TSF is based on confidence. Or more specifically: the portrayal of confidence. Think of confident people you know. For me, the majority of those people are the most honest, most out there, and most embarrassing (in a good way) people. They give so many less fucks and just do themselves. And because of that a hugeeeeee vortex opens up in them and everyone is sucked in closer to them and their beauty. My prime example of this is Ilana Glazer. She is constantly swagging out everything she does and because of this even the more embarrassing things she does become cool and acceptable because sheās honest about them and expressive. Idk. I donāt think Iāve done TSF any favour here with my lack of eloquence but hopefully you feel me.
SO...
Tell them (in the right way)
Listen to their response
Respond (in the right way)
Swag out
My experience is that you regret it more if you don't do it than if you do. But itās scary, I get that. But youāre strong and have really good friends to support you if you feel bad after.
Good luck either way :)))))