You Don't Know About Me

All the things I wish I could say, or have said out loud...

[youdonknowaboutme]

First, There’s Sierra. Then, There’s Bash.

Roller Derby has been my dream since I was fifteen years old. I saw “Whip It” in 2009 and fell in love. I always said that if there’s one thing I regret, it’s not starting sooner. I thought about that for a moment and realized that things fell into place exactly when they were supposed to. Every derby player I know will tell you that it came into their lives when they needed it the most. I believe in this theory wholeheartedly. This beautiful, all-inclusive sport saved my soul.

It took a broken person,

Turned her into a beast,

And slapped her with the name “Bash.”

My given name is Sierra. My name was almost Savannah until parents heard the name Sierra being thrown around in a Burger King. My derby name is Khloe KarBash-u-in, but my teammates call me “Bash.” My derby name is more than just a name on the back of my jersey. 

I knew I was meant for this when going through old photo albums at my parents house. I came across a photo of me in a sassy pose, wearing Barbie skates in my grandma’s kitchen. Even though it was 1997, my dad says that he still catches me with the same look on my face. Some things never change. The only difference between now and then is that I ditched the fanny pack. 

My parents were very surprised when I told them I started playing Roller Derby. I do admit, it was pretty out of the blue - over lunch at KFC. I thought it was a little strange that they never expressed any worry about me getting hurt. Maybe they thought it was just another phase? Honestly, I think they were more skeptical than anything because I sucked at every sport I ever played growing up. I was never really the “aggressive” type. When they saw me play for the first time, I don’t think they were too impressed because I was still new. I admit that I was never a Bambi when I first drafted, I was always pretty stable on my skates...just a little lost.

I started training with the Treasure Valley Rollergirls in January 2017. I remember my first practice so vividly because it was held in a barn that was so cold, I could see my breath while skating. Our coach said, “You should all be proud of yourselves for showing up. There are a lot of people who want to do this but don’t have the courage yet.” I have carried this with me since day 1. So I don’t just play this sport for me, but I also play for the ones who aren’t quite ready to lace up a pair of skates. 

I will forever be grateful to the Treasure Valley Rollergirls for giving me my introduction to derby. Unfortunately, I wasn’t quite what they were looking for. They were looking for someone who was secure with themselves and what they were capable of. I didn’t possess that kind of confidence. I skated my last practice with TVR on a Wednesday and 24 hours later, I rolled into my very first practice with the Beet City Bombers. By this time, it was March 2018. 

Treasure Valley taught me how to skate.

Beet City taught me how to derby. 

I received the best of both worlds (insert Hannah Montana singing). 

On June 14, I became a drafted player for BCB. Aside from my high school and college graduations, draft night will go down in my personal history as being one of my greatest achievements. It was a very liberating experience for me because it was the most confident I ever felt in my life. When you spend a year in a half working your ass off for something you’ve wanted since you were a teenager, you would probably feel the same way. 

I’m not going to say I never had any opportunities to start derby sooner. When I was in high school, TVR’s very own Demolition Barbie used to work at my local library. TVR’s Draculatte was a barista on the NNU campus. The Rollerdrome gave me the contact information for BCB in 2013. 

I waited and that’s okay. 

I may have been confident on draft night but that was just a moment in memory lane. As a new skater, I wanted to see where I belonged on the track by trying everything. I probably tried every position on the track before I formed a tight bond with the outside line. 2020 is going to be a little different, as our team is smaller now and I have morphed into a backwards facing blocker. This last practice, my teammates and coach encouraged me to start jamming. Apparently, I’ve had secret jamming skills this whole time but never realized it. My derby is ever-changing.

My lack of confidence has played a huge part in my derby story. I’m an emotional person who struggles with depression and anxiety. My fear of failure is no secret to my teammates. I’ve had emotional breakdowns at games that were almost impossible to get through. When our team won, I would feel like they won without me. I say this from experience: tears and glitter don’t mix. 

Last summer, I took almost 2 weeks off to go on vacation with my family. It gave me time to get away and make a game plan for my comeback. I had an epiphany and discovered that derby wasn’t my first love, skating was. I started going to practice an hour early, three days a week just to skate. 

Some call it crazy,

I call it therapy. 

I can’t describe the feeling I get when I skate, but I can tell you that there’s nothing I would rather be doing in that moment. Skating gives me wings and brings me peace. 

The most difficult thing for me as a derby player so far is coming to the realization that I’m not going to be the best of the best overnight. In fact, I learned that this whole outlook is completely skewed. Roller Derby is about being my best and whatever that may entail, which is emulated by the choices I make to be the player I want to be.

This is my blog and I can speak my truth:

You can be a great derby player and a poor skater.

You can also be a great skater and a poor derby player.

My choice is to be an equal combination of both, which is entirely possible if you put the work in.

I separated skating skating and derby. Skating is mine and no one can take that away from me. I’m in complete control with no obstacles getting in my way, just the polish concrete in front of me. Someone suggested to me once that I treat my skating as a form of worship. I didn’t quite understand what she meant at the time. When I skate, it’s like the building I’m in is my church and I’m worshipping God through my skating. The feeling I get is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, I’m so in love with it. Skating will always be my greatest passion and derby is a close second. 

Derby on the other hand, isn’t about me at all, it’s about us. 

Skating is me,

Derby is we. 

We are more than just a group of women hitting each other on quad skates, vying for the crowd’s reaction (although that is lovely feeling). By making this clear distinction between skating and derby, my entire perspective has changed. I’ve become a better player and a better teammate because of it. 

I often think how different my life would be without derby. If it wasn’t for derby, I would have never fallen in love with with skating. Without the connections of our community, my living and work situation would be entirely different. I would have never met my best friend. I would have never gained a second family. I wouldn’t have the memories and I wouldn’t have the support.

Roller Derby may be one of the only sports in the world where you can hit someone at full force and hug it out afterwards. It’s the fastest growing sport in the world for a reason. 

Thanks for tuning in! It’s great to have a platform where I get to share my thoughts with the world. It’s even better to know that people are reading them.

All my derby love,

Sierra/Bash 

[youdonknowaboutme]

Vulnerability is Chicken Soup for the Soul

I go to a class on anxiety and depression every Tuesday at a local church here in Nampa. Recently, we talked about the importance of vulnerability. My mind immediately went to the relationships within my inner circle. 2019 brought a lot of darkness in my life, but my friendships added consistency. I spent the whole year focusing on building deeper relationships with my friends and I found myself in the process. 

Roller Derby is a huge part of my life, as I dedicate 3 nights a week for practices. Some people are intrigued when I tell them, others get tired of me talking about it constantly, and some actually enjoy keeping tabs on my journey as a skater for the Beet City Bombers. 

I remember my very first scrimmage. There were a million things going on at once and I was the epitome of a deer in the headlights. The team was split into blacks and white. The only advice anyone could give me was to stay with my color and never be alone. Other than that, being thrown into the lion’s cage was the only way I ever learned. In derby, everyone learns the hard way. I remember standing on a lineup of blockers with this chick who just looked like she knew what she was doing. And here is me...scared shitless, but excited to take some real hits. I said, “Please, can you help me? I don’t know what I’m doing!” She just looked at me and said, “You don’t want to follow me. I’m a runner.” The whistle blew a few seconds later and she was nowhere to be found. This was the first time I ever met Slaybretooth Tiger. 

My second encounter with Tiger was at an after party, where she told me all about how she just moved here to be with the love of her life. I was surprised she was even talking to me because I thought she hated my guts. “I don’t hate you,” she said. “That’s just my face.” This was the first time we really connected. I always wanted to be friends with her but I couldn’t tell if she wanted to be my friend back. For all I knew, I could have just been another body on the track to her. 

January 2019 rolled around and she agreed to meet me for coffee. I had been bugging her for weeks and she kept canceling. I no longer take offense to this because I know now that this woman just really hates leaving the warmth of her own home. She finally met me at the Flying M and we were there for 3 hours talking about anything and everything. In that moment, I knew that she would end up being my best friend eventually.

After that day, we started messaging each other on the daily. We confided in each other by talking about our daily struggles. I definitely felt like I wasn’t alone. I wanted to ask her to be my derby wife (derby slang: BFF on the team). Tiger and I drove to a derby bout together and on the way home, we listened to her “biography” playlist. This woman had a song for every significant moment in her life from birth to present day in order! I also had a biography playlist of my own, so naturally...

Fuck it, I had to ask her.

She accepted, with the Goo Goo Dolls blasting in the background. 

We started putting on our makeup together on game days. Braiding her hair and listening to “My Favorite Murder” became our tradition. I surprise her with brownies and ice cream on her bad days. She makes sure I have coffee on the mornings we hang out. When I had an emotional breakdown at our away game in Jackson Hole, she allowed me to cry in her arms even though that’s not her thing. And you better believe that I did the same thing for her when she felt that way. 

Grey’s Anatomy fans everywhere know that famous line where Christina looks into Meredith’s eyes and says, “You’re my person.” It was such a powerful moment in television history because these two characters who had been through so much together were finally acknowledging that they were best friends. Tiger is my person and if it wasn’t for Roller Derby, I probably would have never even met her. The truth is, both of us were at a point in our lives where we just needed someone to say, “I’ve got you boo.” We are different in so many ways but I think that’s what makes our friendship so unique. We have just spent a lot of time trying to figure each other out.

We really do have a lot of things in common though:

- We both hate being cold more than anything

- We are definitely not morning people

- We could spend an entire day binge-watching The L Word and drinking wine

- We are satisfied by going to a bar just to watch people act like fools

- We equally agree that cookie dough is best with more dough and less chocolate chips

- We value beautiful lyrics, but love girl rap at the same time

- Alanis Morissette is our queen 

It’s kind of funny because when I told my parents that our team had to pick emergency buddies, my mom knew immediately who I chose. “She knows to call me in case of an emergency, right? We are friends on Facebook!” For the record...yes mom, she knows. 

The more I get to know Tiger, the more amazed I am with her strength. When I came to my team, I really admired her skating abilities and how much she took charge on the track. Inside her tough exterior is a woman who wears many hats. She’s my derby wife and best friend. She’s my former captain...Director of Training...Cancer survivor...and a mom. She conquers everything she does, even if she doesn’t always think so. 

When I decided to finally get counseling, I had to figure out exactly what I wanted out of it. She said, “Tell them that you want to love yourself as much as your best friend does.” I want the same for her, which is why I won’t stop my sappiness. Words of affirmation is my love language and she’s just going to have to deal with me telling her how great she is every day. 

I’m a vulnerable person and most people would call me an open book. I always used to think that being vulnerable was my biggest weakness, but recently I started to see that it’s actually my greatest strength. Being friends with someone who is opposite from me in that way was new for me. I remember constantly apologizing to Tiger because I felt like I was pushing her too much to open up to me. I remind myself that she doesn’t have to tell me anything, she chooses too. Every time she tells me something that’s hard to talk about, I’m thankful that she was able to share it with me. We probably wouldn’t be as close as we are now if we didn’t let each other in. 

To my best friend...if you are reading this,

Thank you for letting me into your world. You are the Karen to my Georgia. 

🍑🐯🍑🐯🍑🐯