Mourning
My heart weighs a tonne but my heart feels like penning none.
It almost feels as if there’s a designated thunderstorm looming over my head, every hour, every minute and every second that I breathe.
My heart yearns to cry but my brain doesn’t seem to comply.
January 26th, 2018 marks another mournful day for our family. We lost another one of our beloved family member, Abg Lili. It’s been about two weeks since his death and honest to god, it all still seems unreal. It almost as if time stopped.
The last time stood still for us was roughly five years ago, during the death of Along, Pak Lang, and Mak Busu.
I don’t even dare to think how his wife and children are feeling right now. To lose someone so quickly and unexpectedly, it’s utterly heart-wrenching. Till today, I still find it hard to take one step into the place where I last saw him hence what more his wife and children? To go back to a home that will now be missing a member, god. I can’t even begin to imagine.
Before his sudden passing, for the life of me, I couldn’t understand why the memory of him teaching the kids keeps playing in my mind over and over again like a broken record. It was imprinted on my brain like a tattoo. I thought it was one of Allah’s ways to remind me of HIM but then after his death, I knew it was a sign.
A sign that he’ll leave us forever.
The memory of us going to religious class that night, expecting to see him there just like the weeks before and then to us receiving that dreaded phone call which led us to the emergency resuscitation ward. To the vacant stare of his wife’s and children and to seeing his lifeless body on the bed, all these memories will forever haunt me. But in sha Allah, with God's will, everything will be okay.
We’ll all be okay.
“There’s a parking lot in my heart, and too many people have left without their cars.” - Tablo
Honestly, we’ve been preparing ourselves for the worst during the whole month of January. Our beloved aunt was hospitalized since the start of January and by the mid, we found out that she has cancer. Although it is just lymphoma, at her tender age of 80+, her body couldn't handle the weight of chemotherapy and at the end of January, we brought her home because there isn’t much that the doctors could do and now we’re all still praying and hoping for a miracle.
Who would've known... in the midst of preparing our heart for the death of another, another one of our beloved left us.