THERE WAS NO HOPE for the two of them anymore, junhyuk believed this with a ferocity as prominent as the fire inside of him. he suspected that it was a good thing, although the larger part of him hated the distance he had created between them. somewhere deep down it felt like a loss, but on the surface junhyuk still refused to let go. he still longed to fall asleep next to joohyuk, feeling his warm arms embracing him, feeling his soft lips upon his own, intertwining his fingers with his. the softness, the warmth - he missed it, craved it as much as his lungs craved oxygen. junhyuk longed to be h u m a n again. what a childish wish from a monster. joohyuk was creation where junhyuk was destruction. he had never deserved the other. still, the older looked at his ex as if maybe, just maybe, things could be fixed and it hadn’t all been for nothing. junhyuk knew he had loved and lost and though he bore no guilt ( how could he, when all that was bad existed within him? ) he resented himself for it. the girl he had once dated, stolen from, had benefitted him immensely because of her money, every penny being his now. dating joohyuk had been different - he had felt something then. still did. «you hate me,» junhyuk mused aloud, looking up at the other boy. there was a ghost of a smile hiding in the corner of his lips, horribly misplaced with those words. he shouldn’t have felt relief. «good,» he nodded contently, his eyes falling to the ground, «that’s good.»
––––– IT’S FUNNY HOW QUICKLY THINGS CHANGES but also how this didn’t change at all. this being: sitting close to each other in front of joohyuk’s door, him taking care of junhyuk’s wounds, junhyuk being drunk. what did change was this: joohyuk inviting him inside, laying on his bed with their clothes on with their legs INTERTWINED, their hands clasped together. the biggest change of all was this: the way joohyuk felt for junhyuk. at least, that’s what he tells himself whenever his thoughts would drift away towards the older boy. he would tell himself that he doesn’t feel anything for him anymore, that whatever they had.. whatever it was, it’s gone now. it’s like a mantra repeating in his head, repeating, repeating as if one day he’ll start not feeling something for junhyuk anymore. as if the memories, the good & the bad ones will suddenly disappear, leaving him with nothing but the hollowness that was once filled with junhyuk. as if it was just that simple. it’s always easier said than DONE. joohyuk knew that junhyuk didn’t deserve him, the people around him told him that often enough that he started to believe them at some point. he’d take advantage of you, they’d tell him because they know how joohyuk is. kind, warm, joohyuk. who would open the door one, two, three, four, f i v e times for junhyuk whenever he was there. joohyuk knows that junhyuk doesn’t deserve him, his kindness, his forgiveness, his heart. but he gave it anyways, because what he felt feels was something unexplainable, something so junhyuk. the words that came out of his mouth hurts, but rather the meaning of it, it was the way he spoke. as if he was relieved, that he was glad that he hated him. joohyuk opened his mouth to tell him that he didn’t hate him, could never hate him no matter what but what came out instead was, ❛ you would too, if you were me. ❜ he couldn’t look him in the eye, whether it was because he was scared he could tell that he was LYING or something else he didn’t know. ❛ i loved you, you know?? ❜ he spoke quietly as if he didn’t want anyone else to overhear, as if it was a secret that only they should know. ❛ sometimes i wonder what would happen if the roles were reversed, if i was you & you were me. but i don’t think i could make someone fall in love with me & then hurt them like that. ❜
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