Yuri

Just another poet writing words to the void

[yuri484]

The Simple Joy of Reading

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Stayed up all night reading a novel and GOD I MISSED READING. I missed the stories, the deeper meaning of life, the opportunities, and the endless possibilities. It lights a fire under my feet. I want this, I want to live my own story. Maybe it isn't fluffy, maybe it's dark and contains a long list of trigger warnings, but I want this, my own pool of endless possibilities, second chances, and thousands of different endings. This is what motivated 16 year-old me to dream, this is what gave 12 year-old me hope: stories and lives lived. It showed her she has options, she can choose from thousands of equally exciting paths and just as easily change it. It taught her how to write her own story, and that she can change how it ends.

[yuri484]

Forgive and Forget

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Don't tell me how to feel,

Don't tell me to forgive and forget,

Don't insist that this anger is useless,

I'm spiteful because I'm still struggling,

I crave revenge because I owe it to a frightened 8 year-old,

I'm furious because you think I should be fine when I'm not breathing enough air,

You don't get to tell me when to move on,

You will never comprehend what it means to live the same day over and over and over,

To be stuck in a painful memory for years on end,

Because you're awful like that,

I tell myself not to worry,

You weren't there to do so,

I'm the one who handles the horrid flashbacks,

This sudden onslaught of terror,

At the most irrelevant of times,

I'm paralyzed with grief,

You don't see it do you?

Of course you don't.

Taking life one day at a time is hell on earth,

How can I not worry myself to death when I'm trapped in a body up in flames?

See this is what I wish you would see,

I turn poetic when in pain,

I describe anxiety as if my flesh is burning because that's how it feels.

So don't tell me how to feel.

I'll set you on fire just to cool down.

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[yuri484]

You are loved no matter how you feel.

[yuri484]

"Camaraderie"

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When I was young,

I was told a "fact" about friendship,

It diminishes the older you get,

The childish wonder of meeting lifelong companions becomes nothing but the bitter reality of loneliness,

But you proved this fact wrong,

Meeting you felt like an instant click,

Like that last puzzle piece that fits the picture perfectly,

You created a space for us to just be,

Be our complicated selves and it was okay,

You made that 9 to 5 a reprieve from distress,

You made life simple,

No ruthless competitiveness,

And definitely no savage judgment,

It was mostly amusing banter followed by deep laughter,

And conversations that empties your soul from gloomy memories,

Now that's a healthy environment,

And if you ask me again and again,

I would say that's what lifelong friends are made from,

An instant click.

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"Camaraderie is a feeling of trust and friendship among a group of people who have usually known each other for a long time or gone through some kind of experience together"

[yuri484]

You are much more than years of bad days.

[yuri484]

"A Battle Against Me"

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Wouldn't it be peaceful if my mind stopped caring about what I do?

Oh, the serenity!

Imagine if there's no fear of the unknown,

If a comfort zone didn't exist,

Or the judgmental thoughts my brain spouts off are shutdown.

Wouldn't it be mesmerizing to dream with no limits?

Oh, the possibilities!

Imagine if I can do anything I want,

If roadblock after roadblock is smashed,

Or the reasons I shouldn't do something vanish into thin air.

Wouldn't it be freeing to have the utmost confidence in myself?

Oh, the perseverance!

Imagine if I trust myself to reach out to my dreams,

If my insecurities are my greatest strengths,

Or the self-deprecating opinions are nothing more than everything I am not.

We spend a large portion of our lives battling with ourselves,

People think they are fearful of what others expect,

When in fact,

We are our own vicious enemy,

But I believe we can conquer this,

If suffering defeat was the only choice, then we wouldn't still be here,

Facing ourselves day in and day out.

Amid the battlefield,

I see resilience, I see grit,

I see you sharpening your blades and loading your guns,

I see someone who is relentless,

Someone who will stop at nothing to become triumphant.

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[yuri484]

❤️

[userglitched]

"i'll remember the exact phrasing of the paragraph i just thought of for my fic when i get to my computer later, i don't need to write it down or put it in my notes app" this is the devil speaking

[yuri484]

Literary freedom is also writing and reading shitty poetry and being okay with that.

[yuri484]

Rain Long Overdue

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Once upon one of my many depressive episodes,

It started to storm,

Rain and thunder,

I just couldn't stop smiling,

I felt like crying from happiness,

The smell of rain and the droplets on my skin,

It felt alive,

I felt alive,

I prayed to be better,

On every drop,

This is my sign,

To take a deep breath,

And live for once.

[yuri484]

Tough Decisions

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I've read in a book once,

That abuse can feel like love,

And I never left,

I lived through the anger, the despair, and the utter self-loathing,

Because I was afraid,

I was terrified to be alone because I don't know what real love feels like,

And abusive love felt like it would be better than nothingness,

So I was afraid,

But before every crucial decision,

I asked myself,

Am I not doing this because I'm afraid or do I really not want this?

And if my true answer is fear,

Then I know my decision is not right,

I must sacrifice my comfort if I ever want to feel real love,

If I ever want to live,

And that is how I make tough decisions.

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[yuri484]

"I wouldn't kill myself but I would self-sabotage till I create my end"

- A poem I shouldn't write

[yuri484]

A Love Letter

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When you say "I Love You", I panic,

I have never understood the words,

It never made sense,

I can't say it back, I'm sorry,

I feel you deserve more than a few empty declarations,

Because dear I don't know how to love but I could write you a few verses,

And hope that's okay,

Because I am not brave enough to embrace 4 letters,

You see, I haven't felt it much,

But I was taught how to write,

And if that's what I can do then here goes:

I love how you make an effort,

Even when I don't deserve it.

I love how you don't leave me alone,

Even when I explicitly say so.

I love the way you talk about your day,

Your world is more important than anyone else's if you ask me.

I love how I can call you home,

A safe place to stay at.

I love your hopes and dreams,

We could achieve them together.

I love how you love me.

I love you.

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[yuri484]

what it means to be overwhelmed

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I'm pretty sure it isn't normal to feel this way,

Writing in my journal with a heavy heart,

Every night.

My pen going through the page just to prove I wrote,

It's not fluttering through the page,

Like how a happy person would write,

It's not how an exciting day would be told

It's how tears make your hands shake

And you can't put a full stop to the sentence

Even though you've always been a stickler for punctuation

Because it decorated the words and made them pretty

Now your thoughts are ugly

And I don't know what to do to make it okay again

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[yuri484]

I feel like I'm running to catch up with life,

And I'm out of breath,

What wouldn't I do for time to slow down,

Just for a few days.

Maybe I'll be able to set life straight again,

If it would just give me the chance,

To breathe.

[yuri484]

Relapse

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There she goes again,

Overwhelmed herself,

Overthinking till the sun comes out,

Staring at a wall till the moon shines,

Stumbling to see,

Falling in the dark,

If she wouldn't have stumbled, she wouldn't have fallen,

Why do you act blind to the blaring signs?

You've been here before,

Clean your room, write a poem, take a shower,

You've been here before,

Do the dishes, call your friend, open the blinds,

Let the sun in,

Because you've been here before,

It's time to feel at peace again,

This is nothing but a rough patch,

A rough patch that you know you can pass.

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[yuri484]

So I haven't posted in a while but I just needed to vent. I think this post is too long to be a poem though. This is not an uplifting poem like the the ones I used to share here so read with caution.

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"A Letter I Can't Send Anymore"

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Dear Tilly,

Do you like it?

Do you like the nickname?

I thought of it one day,

Wouldn't it would be cool if we gave each other nicknames?

But I didn't want to sound insensitive,

I know I can be a bit too enthusiastic at the wrong time,

Hope your bads days turn good tomorrow!

___

Hey T, don't worry this will also pass,

Doesn't it always?

___

It's me again,

How was your day?

How was your week?

Any good news?

Can I call you?

I have news you MUST hear!

Are you okay?

Can I come by?

Can you atleast reply to me?

Things will get better I promise.

___

Dear,

Remember when we used to brave life together?

We were indestructible,

We were it,

We were wonderful souls together,

I'm still here,

I'm still braving life,

I'm still trying to be a wonderful soul,

But you fell through the cracks of life,

I couldn't help you, you know that right?

Your words were cynical,

Therapy has become evil,

There is no such thing as good times,

Happiness has become a myth,

To you.

I would have loved to fix you,

But I knew how this would end for me,

I've been here before,

I end up shattered,

And I promised myself 2 people before,

That I would never do that to myself again,

Even for my favorite person,

Because I owe it to myself,

To fix myself first,

So I'm not going to apologize,

But you would have been over the moon,

Because you've told me time and time again that I should put myself first,

You would have clapped for me,

You know what else happened?

I had fun for the first time,

I always had trouble on days out,

You should have seen me on that trip,

The trip you convinced me not to miss,

I danced my heart out,

Sang all the tunes I listened to alone,

Out loud, for the ocean to hear,

Ran like I never had to worry about being out of breath,

For the first time, I felt what enjoyment is,

You would have smiled at how my eyes lit up while telling you about my day.

Another thing you should know,

The day you said you there is no end to suffering,

I was busy getting ready for my dream job,

I would have told you every little detail about my first day,

But you weren't there,

And I understood that,

I really do,

You were too busy, I didn't want to intrude,

But you would have been so proud,

You were my number one supporter.

I also accomplished that goal I talked about for years,

You would have been amused at how hysterical I was,

The day I made my dream come true,

But you were too in your head to notice my giddiness,

And I understood that,

I really do.

On my graduation,

I just couldn't belive this was real,

I needed you there to tell me it was not a hallucination,

You're one of the only people who refused that I quit,

You were there when I cried myself to sleep,

Thinking I'm a failure,

You would have been so elated sitting in the stands,

Cheering me on.

Remember how you always teased me about my non-existent love life?

Saying how I would someday fall so hard,

How it would be the talk of town,

You should have seen how in love I was,

It was the miracle of the century,

For me to believe in someone else,

You would have told me how beautiful I looked,

How love looks good on me,

I love you for convincing me that love does exist.

Besides that,

I also had bad days, really bad days,

Couldn't gather the courage to come to you though,

Because why would I dump my sadness on you when you have already drowned in yours?

I know this will make you mad,

But I stopped sharing my happy days with you too,

Why would I dump my happiness in your face when you don't understand the meaning of the word anymore?

I know you would have been there for me,

I know you tried,

I know you fought till the very end,

I wish you were here,

I miss you.

[yuri484]

"What It Means To Be Brave"

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I've witnessed a lot of darkness,

Darkness complemented by hopelessness,

But I've also seen a lot of light,

Light laced with resoultness from all sides,

That's why I think we misunderstand the meaning of bravery,

I don't blame us though,

Because it's hard to see straight when it's dark,

What does it mean to be brave then?

You're brave if you insist on finding joy,

If you choose to,

Not wallow in bed for hours on end,

Getting up eventually, determined to see the sun,

Going out and realizing,

You've lived so long in your mind, you don't recognize the road you're on,

Calling a friend,

Asking them to guide you and finding out,

They've been waiting for your cry of help all along,

Because that's what friends do,

It takes bravery,

To ask for help,

To stand up for yourself and shout,

I CAN be better.

I CAN get out of this.

It takes bravery,

To practice reacting to your emotions,

Staying calm when all you've known is anger,

To unlearn patterns drilled in you through trauma.

It takes bravery,

To get out of a bad place,

To be afraid but still move forward,

To realize you're more than fear,

That you deserve better,

Because it takes effort not to be broken,

It takes effort to be happy,

It takes bravery.

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