Reminds me of the time where Ash said to Eiji:
āI envy you. You know how to fly.ā
For Ash, I bet the sky was standing for freedom as well as for Eiji, who knew how to fly, who had the freedom Ash always longed for (even though we knew Eiji wasnāt entirely free since he had his own problems to deal with as well).
I think freedom and Eiji became somewhat synonyms for Ash over the time. If he had never met Eiji, he still pobably would have been able to free himself from his abusers, but to what cost? Most probably his humanity. Eiji provided him with moments of peace, of tranquility, of humanity, gave him the opportunity of being a boy, not the monster Ash always saw himself as. It was the kind of freedom Ash never thought he deserved or could ever have, but needed and wanted so much, maybe even without realizing it: To love and being loved in return, unconditionally, not as monster or a beast, but as a human.
Thatās why he agreed to go back to Golzine without hesitation, apparently giving up his freedom. Not only because he didnāt want them to hurt Eiji, but also because he found his freedom in something else: In love, in another person.
Ash wanted to be with Eiji, wanted to bask in the warmth of the freedom he found in Eiji, and no matter how hard he tried to stay away from him, how much he tried to engrave in his mind: āNo, I canāt be with himā, his heart and soul longed for him, clearly visible when he said āsayonaraā to him in the hospital, only to desperately reach out to him shortly after, and in the look of his eyes right before he starts running towards the airport.
But sadlyā¦Lao happens. And thatās where his mind was again flooded with:Ā āIāll only jeopardize him. No matter where I am, people will always follow me, will hurt him.āĀ Horrible and terrible thoughts that maybe even wouldnāt necessarily have turned out to be reality, but like Ash already told Eiji after they had saved him from Golzine:Ā āI always picture the worst case scenario.ā And in this case, the worst case scenario was that people will keep following him and Eiji getting hurt again.
And Eijiās safety was always more important to him than what he wants for himself. Thatās why he decided to not run after him in that moment but instead went back into the library. His favourite place, where heās isolated from violence and crime, where he can immerse himself in books like an ordinary boy with an ordinary life. But Ash knew, even if he had simply stayed away from Eiji, he would eventually had come back to New York, to him. And he also knew he wouldnāt have been able to push him away, because the voice of his heart and soul were always so much louder than his mind when he looked right into these dark, gentle eyes and felt once again how his goodness, trust and warmth slowly filled his body. Ash would have always felt drawn to Eiji, like a magnet to another, like a bird to the sky, like a human to his freedom.
Thatās when he decided to let himself bleed out. To stop his wings from flapping and instead crash down onto the ground, sacrificing his freedom and never flying again.
If it hadnāt been for his terrible mindset, if only Ash could have loved himself more, he would had realized that there was no need for him to sacrifice more than he already had, that he wouldnāt just bring misery to others, that these worst case scenarios he always imagined didnāt have to turn out to be reality in the end, that he deserved to be happy.
But sadly, it turned out that he was his own greatest enemy. The one enemy he couldnāt win against.
āWhen I think of my own death, I try to picture that leopardās carcass.ā
Thatās what he told Eiji when they talked about ādeathā. And in the end, it may seem like he really was the leopard, trapped on top of a mountain where it dies, alone, only finding freedom in death eventually.
But was that really the case with Ash? I really wonder about that.
Did he really die as an animal, as a ābeastā? As the monster he always saw himself as? I donāt think so. He learned to love, he experienced being loved, shed tears as he read the letter of his most important person, helped saving children from having to endure the same trauma as him, chose the lives of others over his revenge as he saved Sing from falling and told him to drop the reasearch data of āBanana Fishā. Despite all heās done, the crimes he commited, how much he saw himself as nothing more than a killing machine and a monster, I still think he died as a human. As a loving and loved human.
And was he really alone when he died? I donāt think that, either. After all, Eiji wrote in his letter:
āYou are not alone, Ash. I am with you. My soul is always with you.ā
Ash may have been physically alone, but just like it was written in the letter, Eijiās soul was with him, as well as a part of his heart he gave to Ash during the time they were together. And I also donāt think that Ash himself felt alone in that moment. He felt that Eiji was being with him, Iām sure of that.
I saw many people stating Ash found freedom in death, but I donāt really think that. For me, he was already free when he died. Thanks to Eiji, thanks to him loving him for whom he was, loving both, his light as well as his darkness, thanks to him protecting his humanity from fading away by allowing him these short moments of peace.
Eiji was Ashās ultimate freedom he never imagined he could find nor have.
Sorry for that long meta. Couldnāt quite stop the thoughts from flowing when I saw these pictures.
izzy806
titsay
jimmyeatworldofficial
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