Why didn't Woong say he loved Yeonsu, even once (as she suggests) throughout their relationship?
The part of Our Beloved Summer fandom that keeps repeating and expressing disappointment at Woong's inability to verbally support Yeonsu is funny and lighthearted only to an extent. Just like a lot of people missed Yeonsu's side in the first half, I feel like people might miss his in the second because we focus much more on the emotional turmoil than the underlying factors contributing to it.
As maddening as it is that Woong did not say, 'I love you", perhaps through the course of their rs in the way Yeonsu wanted to hear. And as frustrating as it is that he several times missed the cue to reassure her by giving her verbal confirmation, a lot of us need to understand that it is not, like Yeonsu brushes it off superficially, caused by his obliviousness. He might have been ignorant to how much of an impact withholding that had, but I have a feeling that there is much more to it than just him not realizing.
Woong resists being vulnerable, he doesn't let people watch him work. He doesn't react to anything harsh in the way other people do. He takes a passive, less confrontational course of action. The only time he has been confrontational is when he got mad at Yeonsu, and even then, he is never able to say things as he wants to. An example being that as desperately as he wants her to stay with him, like when she went to his room during the trip, he never manages to say it. Would Yeonsu have stayed had he asked? We don't know, maybe she would have panicked. But Yeonsu is never given the choice, Woong reaches out, he is awake, he silently begs her to stay. To be able to hold on. But he doesn't express it in a way that she can be sure.
Often verbal confirmation brings vulnerability, you must put the guard of playful annoyance, or nonchalance, or lightheartedness down. You have to look a person in the eye and remind them, that you see them, and for you to do that, you must admit the power that they hold over you to yourself. I think Woong's character has a hard time being vulnerable in that sense, which is why he brushes off anything that may suggest that the other person can affect him as severely as people around him might think.
(They also revisit this detail in the flashbacks of Woong running away, as a kid, when asked to 'talk' about his family. Woong chooses to hide and flee the situation. A few people pointed out it was going to be an interesting backstory, and I think they're right. I also think that that links again, to his inability to verbally express things that might make him vulnerable.)
This is very important, because this why Woong's character is more than just a fool in love.
The only person Woong expresses more than just his obvious annoyance to, is Yeonsu. The scene during their relationship, when Woong says, "You are not allowed to leave me," is a moment of vulnerability. He is telling Yeonsu that her absence will leave a deep mark on him, one he might not be able to bear. In the scene of her confession, he is having a hard time looking at her when he says, 'No, I don't know, so remind me over and over.'
In both the scenes, Woong has a hard time looking right at her and expressing it openly that he likes her, loves her even, and cannot handle her leaving him. He refuses to openly express how much he loves her, because he is afraid perhaps, that if he gives it his all and is abandoned, he will not be able to continue living life the way he had been.
"Being lonely from the start is okay, being lonely once you've been with someone. I don't want to experience that ever again."
Yeonsu was not the only person who put a lot on the line when it came to their relationship, so was he. But he also held a lot back. His struggle to control himself, and keep himself passive around her is proven every time he says something that exposes directly how much pain he's been through. "That's not the only thing you ruined", " The one who always ruins me, is you", "I'm so sick of this" etc etc. are all situations where Woong's walls have crumbled and he's openly admitting hurt and pain. And almost immediately, he recoils back and scolds himself for saying anything that may have shown him as a "fool". This is very interesting, because like Yeonsu had her reasons for being the one to call things off, Woong might not have wanted to continue their rs like that either.
During their breakup scene, Yeonsu is barely holding herself together. Woong asks her whether he's the one thing she can throw away so easily, Yeonsu answers that he's the only thing. To Woong, her words mean he is the only disposable thing. To her, they mean he's all she has.
In the entire scene sequence, he keeps asking her questions as she walks away. He's hurt. But he doesn't try to ask her to stay, because what would he do if she still walked away? How much would that hurt? How could offer his heart to her like this, only for her to abandon him?
Yeonsu isn't the only one who had pride.
This repeats itself every time Woong confronts her, or wants her to stay. The parallels of them learning to put their walls down by confrontation are very interesting. Because yesterday's episode shows Yeonsu doing what Woong has already done. She confronts him about his inability to tell her to stay, that he loves her, and that he wants her still. Woong did the same in the episode where he waited before her house, he was in overwhelming pain when he asked her why they could not ask each other how they've been, or how its been for them.
He puts down his walls and asks a question, one that requires them to sit and talk. He is admittedly putting himself out there, and funnily, Yeonsu runs away. Yeonsu is not prepared to face him, not then, nor is she ready to listen to him or tell him how she has felt and been. And this is proven when she stays while he is half unconscious, despite the fact that his confession to having a very painful time after she left hurts her.
All of this puts the breakup in new perspective, and both the actors are phenomenal at their jobs that just their body languages alone convey all this without words. As Yeonsu is walking away, Woong looks hurt but resigned, as if he has known that this was coming. As if he no longer has the energy to fight for them, as if the relationship took as much toll on him as it did on her. He knows they don't work, and his downward spiral may be caused by the push of their breakup, but it is never the sole cause.
So, all the people who dislike episode 9. Just a reminder that relationships are never isolated experiences, and that when breakups like these happen, there is a much bigger picture than merely the factors that contributed to it directly. Those issues need to be addressed independent of the relationships first, before reconciliation can happen. And that's why Woong did not say he loved her still, and wanted to date her still despite everything. Because if the writer played into the hands of a quick happy ending, it would not be realistic and they wouldn't work, and we'd be back to square one.
It's very important that we, as the audience, acknowledge these little things for more than surface value. Because otherwise the conclusion and confrontations will not make sense. And I'd hate to see this show end with people hating on it just because it did not end or conclude in the way they wanted it to.
it's 11pm and you're still at your desk. the textbook is open to the same page it's been on for the past thirty minutes. your shoulders hurt in that specific way that means you've been hunched over for too long, but sitting up straight feels like more effort than it's worth. you look at the practice problems you're supposed to finish by tomorrow and something inside you just stops. not breaks. stops. like a machine that's been running too long without rest and finally just refuses to turn over one more time.
you want to go home. except you're already home. so what you actually want is some version of home that doesn't exist anymore, some place where the weight of everything you're carrying doesn't follow you through the door. you want to put it down. just for a moment. just long enough to remember what your shoulders feel like without something sagging on them.
there are no taxis for this kind of tired.
four years ago, i heard epik high's "home is far away" for the first time and something in my chest recognized itself in those lyrics before my brain could catch up. the song asks a question nobody wants to answer: what happens when you forget what you're working toward? not because you failed, not because you gave up, but because somewhere between starting and now, the destination stopped mattering and all that's left is the motion of moving forward because stopping feels worse than continuing.
Intro/Chorus: The Geography of Exhaustion
the song opens with distance. "i have a long way to go but there are no taxis." this isn't complaining. this is assessment. you're standing somewhere, looking at how far you still need to travel, and realizing there's no shortcut. no convenient way to skip the hard parts. no empty seat waiting for you.
"and it feels like it's gonna rain." of course it does. because being tired and having a long way to go isn't enough. the sky has to threaten too. the world has to add one more thing to carry, one more reason why stopping isn't an option even though you desperately want to stop.
"the weight of today on top of my sagging shoulders, i wanna put it down for a moment." not forever. the song is careful about this. not asking for the weight to disappear or for someone else to carry it. just asking for a moment. permission to set it down long enough to catch your breath before picking it back up again.
but "home is far away." this is the refrain. this is what the song keeps coming back to. home as both destination and concept. the place you're trying to reach and the feeling you're trying to recover. and it's far. not a little far. not almost-there far. the kind of far where you can't even see it from where you're standing.
i know this distance. i'm a student and people keep asking where i'm headed and i have an answer. i say chemistry. i say it like i know. but the truth is i'm just trying to get through tomorrow and then the day after that and at some point all these tomorrows are supposed to add up to a destination but i can't see it from here. i can't see anything except the next step and the step after that and the weight on my shoulders that never gets lighter no matter how far i walk.
Verse 1: The Impossible Standard
"nothing has changed. i'm alone in this playground." the verse starts with stasis. you're still in the same place. still alone. the playground suggests childhood, but there's no joy in it. playgrounds are supposed to be fun. this one just is.
"i got on top of the high bars but i've been on my tip toes all my life." this image does something specific. getting on top of the high bars sounds like achievement. like you made it. but you're on your tiptoes. you're not standing. you're stretching. you've always been stretching. being on your tiptoes your whole life means you've never been allowed to stand flat, to exist at your natural height, to not be reaching for something just beyond your grasp.
"what's always been asked of me is to reach a bit higher than i'm able to." the expectation is always a bit higher. not impossible enough to justify giving up. just impossible enough that meeting it requires everything you have. and the moment you reach it, the bar moves. this is the structure of the trap.
how high does the bar go? "the standards of the world is becoming like everest." not just tall. the kind of tall where the air gets thin and people die trying to reach the top. the kind of tall where even if you make it, you can't stay there. you have to come back down because the summit isn't sustainable. but the world keeps pointing up and saying climb.
"the more i go towards the top, stress builds up like a mountain." the thing you're climbing becomes the thing you're carrying. you're going up but you're also sinking under the weight of going up. progress and burden accumulate at the same rate.
"i know i can never rest." this is stated as fact. not as complaint or exaggeration. you know this the way you know gravity. rest isn't an option the system provides. so what do you do? "no sleeping pills to put my anxieties to sleep, so i'm biting down on my tongue and staying up all night." you bite down on your tongue when you can't say what you're thinking, when the inside has to stay inside because letting it out would make things worse. you bite down and you stay up and you keep going because what else is there?
"since i was young i was taught to stay in line. now i know why." you learn early that deviation means danger. that questioning means falling behind. so you stay in line even when you don't know where the line is going. you stay in line because that's what survival looks like.
the verse ends with the sharpest reversal: "afraid of becoming ordinary, i dreamed a dream. but now, i'm jealous of the ordinary." you wanted to be special. you wanted to be more. that wanting drove you to reach higher, to stay on your tiptoes, to never rest. but somewhere in all that reaching, ordinary started looking like relief. like the people who get to stand flat on their feet instead of stretching toward everest have something you don't. peace, maybe. or just the ability to exist without justifying that existence through achievement.
"as i stand all alone in the rain." because of course you're alone. because of course it's raining. this is what happens when you reach for more. you get more distance, more weight, more rain.
"if you don't grow, growing pains is just pain." this line reconfigures everything. growing pains only make sense if they produce growth. if they lead somewhere. if the suffering has a purpose. but what if you're just in pain? what if all this reaching and stretching and staying on your tiptoes doesn't actually make you grow? then it's not growing pains. it's just pain. and pain without purpose is the worst kind because you can't even tell yourself it means something.
i think about this every time someone asks about my future and i say chemistry. i think about whether i'm growing or just hurting. whether this exhaustion is building toward something or if i'm just tired for no reason except that stopping feels like failure.
Verse 2: When Your Heart Forgets
"i get more and more scared. i'm running but my feet and heart forget why." this is the center of everything. you're still moving. your body hasn't stopped. but somewhere between starting and now, your heart forgot the reason. you're running on momentum. on the fear of what happens if you stop. on the sheer forward motion of having been running for so long that stopping would require more energy than continuing.
"dreams just become baggage now." not fuel. not inspiration. baggage. something heavy you wish you could leave on the side of the road. "my only hope is to just leave it behind and run." the dream that was supposed to drive you forward has become the thing weighing you down. your only hope is to abandon it.
this is what nobody tells you about ambition. it can curdle. it can transform from the thing pulling you forward into the thing you're dragging behind you, getting heavier with every step until letting go starts to sound like the smart choice.
"rushing myself to take just one more step. but when i looked up, i'm right in front of a cliff." you've been so focused on the next step that you didn't notice where the steps were leading. one more assignment. one more test. one more semester. one more year. and then you look up and you're at the edge and the next step is off the cliff and you don't know how you got here.
"i look back and all these expectations are lined up behind me. it pretends to support me but it's pushing my back." this is the most precise description of pressure i've ever encountered. expectations present themselves as encouragement. people say they believe in you. they say they know you can do it. they say it with kindness. but it feels like being shoved. like if you stop, they'll crash into you. like you have to keep moving not because you want to but because everything behind you has momentum and you're just trying not to get trampled.
"i wanted to place a comma in my heart some time, but now it's mixed up with all these numbers." you wanted punctuation. a pause. a breath. a moment where the sentence stops without ending. but your heart isn't a place for commas anymore. it's a place for calculations. grades and percentages and gpa and rankings and all the metrics that supposedly measure whether you're enough.
"the calculating world holds out its hand. i don't want to hold it but i'm even more scared of being empty-handed." this is the choice. participate in the system that reduces you to numbers, or have nothing. those are your options. you can play the game you hate or you can refuse and have no alternative. so you hold the hand. not because you want to. because empty-handed feels worse.
"i can hold it but would time really be the only thing that goes away?" you can keep going. you can keep calculating, keep reaching, keep running. but what else disappears while you're holding that hand? what parts of yourself do you lose in exchange for not being empty-handed?
"as i look at the cloudy sky, i thought, i used to have dreams at one point." past tense. used to. you had them once. you're sure of it. but now when you try to remember what they were, all you get is the memory of having had them. the shape of them. not the substance.
"tonight is another sleepless night." because of course it is. because when your heart forgets why but your body keeps running, sleep becomes impossible. you lie there in the dark and think about taxis that never come and dreams you can't remember and the long way you still have to go.
i know this feeling. i know what it's like to keep going without knowing why. to have an answer when people ask about your future but for that answer to feel hollow. chemistry used to be something i loved. i used to memorize the periodic table for fun. now it's just the thing i'm good at, so it's the thing i have to do. not because i want to. because not having a plan feels worse than having a plan i'm not sure i believe in.
Bridge: The Impossible Request
"can't you stop for a bit for me? it's too hard to walk any longer." this is begging. not asking politely. not requesting consideration. begging. please. just for a bit. just for me. i can't do this anymore.
"the wind blows and it's still." this line is quieter than everything around it. the world doesn't stop just because you're tired. the wind keeps blowing. everything keeps moving. and you're still standing in it, still being pushed by it, and your exhaustion doesn't change anything about the wind.
Outro: Some Kind of Dream, Some Kind
"is there no place for me in this big world?" this is the real question under everything. not where should i go. not what should i do. but is there space for me at all? for the version of me that's tired and lost and standing in the rain looking for a taxi that doesn't exist?
"am i alone in this crowded street?" surrounded by people but fundamentally isolated because everyone else seems to know where they're going and you're just standing still trying to figure out why you started walking in the first place.
"is there no empty seat for me? so far away." back to the beginning. back to the taxi. still looking for somewhere to rest. still not finding it. and home is still far away, so far away that the distance has its own echo.
then the repetition starts. "what i had to do, there was something other than making money." three times. each time landing heavier. what i had to do. not what i wanted. what i had to do, like it was an obligation. there was something. you're certain there was something. you just can't remember what it was anymore.
this is the grief the song is really about. not the loss of the dream but the loss of being able to remember what the dream was. you know you had it. you know it mattered. you know it was something other than the calculating, number-driven, money-focused pragmatism that governs every decision now. but you can't access it. it's gone. all you have left is the certainty that it existed and the hollow space where it used to be.
"where i had to go, there was some kind of dream for me too, some kind." the uncertainty in "some kind" is devastating. not a specific dream. not a clear vision. not even a strong conviction. just some kind. you can't even articulate it. you just know it was there.
"there was some kind of dream." the line repeats, fading. because what else is there to say? you had something once. you lost it. now you're standing in the rain and home is far away and you can't remember what home even means anymore except that it's not here.
Still Standing
i'm not the person who heard this song four years ago. that person was different in ways i can't quite name. less tired, maybe. or tired in different ways. but the song has stayed the same and every time i come back to it, it says something new because i've changed and the song hasn't and the gap between then and now is where the meaning lives.
right now, i'm a student who gets good grades. people think i have it together. they ask me for help and i give it. they see me as someone who knows what they're doing. but i don't. i'm just good at pretending. i'm good at saying chemistry with enough confidence that it sounds like a plan. i'm good at staying in line and reaching higher and biting down on my tongue when the anxiety gets too loud.
but i'm also standing in the rain looking for a taxi that never comes. i'm also on my tiptoes, always stretching, never allowed to stand flat. i'm also running with feet and heart that forgot why. i'm also jealous of the ordinary because ordinary means you get to rest and i have never been allowed to rest.
when i say chemistry out loud, something happens. the word creates a boundary. it answers the question. it satisfies the person asking. most importantly, it makes me forget, just for a moment, how lost i actually am. it's a spell. a performance. a way to survive when you don't have real answers. you construct convincing ones and deliver them with enough certainty that even you start to believe them.
but late at night, when i can't sleep, i remember. there was something other than making money. i had some kind of dream. i used to love learning for its own sake. i used to want things just because i wanted them, not because they made sense or led somewhere practical or would help my family or secure my future. i used to want things that had no justification except that they were mine.
i don't know where that version of me went. i don't know if i'll ever find my way back. but the song tells me i'm not the only one who lost something i can't name. i'm not the only one standing in the rain. i'm not the only one looking at the empty road and wondering where all the taxis went.
What the Song Knows
"home is far away" doesn't fix anything. it doesn't tell you how to remember what you forgot or how to find rest in a system designed to never let you rest. it doesn't promise that the taxi will come or that the rain will stop or that home will get closer if you just keep walking.
what it does is witness. it sees you standing there with your sagging shoulders and your forgotten dreams and your performance of certainty. it sees the weight you're carrying and the distance you still have to go. it sees you on your tiptoes, reaching for standards that keep rising, climbing everest while stress accumulates like a mountain on your back.
and it says: i know. i see you. you're not imagining this. the taxi really isn't coming. home really is that far away. the thing you had before money became the priority really did exist and really is gone and you really can't remember what it was.
sometimes being seen is not enough to change anything. but it's enough to know you're not alone in the rain. it's enough to know that other people have stood where you're standing and felt what you're feeling and understood that this specific kind of tired has nothing to do with sleep and everything to do with forgetting why you started walking in the first place.
i'm still walking. i'm still saying chemistry when people ask. i'm still performing competence while feeling completely lost. home is still far away. the taxi still hasn't come.
but at least now i know what to call this feeling. at least now i have words for the weight on my shoulders and the distance i can't see and the dream i can't remember. at least now, standing in the rain looking at the empty road, i know i'm not the only one asking where all the taxis went.
the answer, i think, is that they were never there to begin with. the world doesn't provide taxis for this kind of journey. you just have to walk. and walking is lonely and exhausting and you forget why you're doing it somewhere along the way.
but you keep walking anyway. not because you want to. not because you know where you're going. just because stopping feels worse than continuing and maybe, somewhere far ahead, there's a version of home you can't see from here but that you have to believe exists or else what's the point of any of this?
the song ends on that uncertainty. on the unfinished question of what you had to do that wasn't about money. on the some kind of dream you can't articulate anymore.
i don't have an answer. i'm still looking for one. still standing in the rain. still waiting for a taxi that never comes.
Summary: At the time, it seemed like the smartest decision when you and Baekhyun broke up. You deeply loved each other, but priorities and life were against you, and being together became too hard.
Coming face-to-face with him half a year later, reveals how deep your feelings still are for him, and you're terrified that you'll never be able to move on from him... or that you'll even want to in the end.
Notes: *inspired by this drabble* *italicized parts are flashbacks* *listen to Baekhyun's song Love Again to suffer even more* *Lastly, Happy birthday, Baek!!*
Laughter fills the air as your group of friends tease each other. Focusing mostly on the elusive host of the quickly planned get-together you're attending, Yixing smiles good-naturedly as he willingly takes the jokes being thrown his way. An overwhelming sense of happiness floods you as you watch them all. This is how things should be. You and the people you love relaxing and enjoying life together.
It's been way too long since this group of people has been together like this. Where you've all managed to get away from work and school, and Yixing was able to take time off and fly back to you guys. With Yixing being in a different country, it's hard to come across moments like this, so you cherish them and hold onto them for dear life.
There's just one integral piece of your community missing. If you have to guess, he's probably going to show up any second. Baekhyun never misses it when Yixing comes to town. No matter how busy he is.
Your heart flutters at the thought of seeing your ex again. Of seeing his bright smile grace his face as he laughs at something one of you says. You take a calming breath as you think about Baekhyun and remember that things are different now. That beautiful smile he always sent your way was no longer yours to receive. That reminder alone nearly breaks your heart all over again.
Yixing's laughter greets your ears again, and you pull yourself out of your thoughts to study his face. The pure joy you see on it helps you make a decision you didn't realize you were contemplating. Tonight, you'll push aside the feelings you still have for Baekhyun. You'll pretend that you're fine and unhurt just to keep those smiles on your friends' faces. To not cloud over their night with your angst.
You'll ignore him as much as you can and try to forget about how you're still completely in love with him. How you're actually excited to see him. To see his eyes sparkle as he animatedly speaks to everyone.
After the breakup, you had tried to move on from Baekhyun. You pushed yourself to go on dates - to try to connect with other people - but it just didn't work. You found yourself comparing all of your dates to him and wishing it was him across from you instead of these random strangers. You wished it was Baekhyun sending you good night texts or showing up at your door with flowers, and you felt bad for those poor souls who tried to capture your attention. Unfortunately, your mind was stuck on one person.
A knocking sound on the front door fills the room, and your heart beats wildly in your chest. Yixing gets up from his seat to answer it, and you do your best not to turn around and watch. A chorus of greetings surrounds you as the door opens. Soon, everyone is yelling some variation of hello towards the newcomer. You turn your head toward the door, unable to stand it anymore, and your heart nearly stops as you take in Baekhyun in all his glory. A giant smile is present on his face when he sees Yixing and everyone else behind him.
Somehow, you find yourself anxiously sitting on some stranger’s couch all thanks to your best friend Dabin. The people around you are all very nice and seem lovely, but you've never been good at first meetings. You'd consider yourself an introvert when being introduced to new people, and it took a while to get out of your shell. The only reason you're here is because Dabin is finally meeting her boyfriend's friends, and she dragged you along for moral support.
A knock on the door slightly startles you, and you glance around the room wondering how many more people could possibly be showing up. There are already like 15 of you here. You turn to see who else has just arrived and when your eyes focus on one man, your breath is taken away. He's gorgeous… and the way he lively greets the host enchants you…
You swallow, trying to wet your dry throat as you silently watch him enter the home like he owns the place. Everyone shouts greetings or cheers as he approaches, clearly happy to see him. You feel a part of yourself shrinking as you take in his larger-than-life persona.
His eyes survey the room as he greets everyone, and when they fall on you, they light up with interest. He sends you a sweet smile that has your heart stuttering, and you know right then that this man is trouble.
"Y/N, this is our friend, Baekhyun."
Chanyeol’s voice still replays in your mind as you watch the same scenario unfold before your eyes. There's only one difference this time.
Baekhyun's not alone. His new girlfriend is with him.
Dabin had already warned you about her existence and the possibility that she'd be here tonight, so you were prepared for the most part. Dabin told you they've been together for a month and that it was still relatively new, but that didn't make it hurt any less. That did not mean that it didn't suck seeing them together.
Forcing a light smile on your face, you allow yourself to meet Baekhyun's eyes. They brighten as they find you, much like they did the first time, but that luminesce quickly disappears after a moment. You can see he's holding himself back and making it clear that you're nothing but an old friend. Someone important, but not important enough.
He offers you a small smile in return before his hand reaches toward his girlfriend, and he finds her fingers. If you could crawl further into your body, you would, but you try not to let that show as your gaze falls to her.
She's stunning. A piece of art that looks perfect besides Baekhyun, and from everything Dabin has told you about her, it seems like her personality matches. Good. Baekhyun deserves someone that'll treat him magnificently. He deserves happiness.
The quiet murmurs behind you make you realize that everyone is watching this moment. Even if they're attempting to be subtle - which, you know if you turn around, they're anything but - it feels like the room is collectively holding its breath. They all knew this moment was coming, but none of them knew how to properly approach it, including Baekhyun, who looks just as hesitant as you feel.
His girlfriend steps toward you, breaking the tension in the room and pulling your attention to her. She holds her hand out to you and introduces herself, breaking Baekhyun out of his stupor, so he can finish the introduction.
You lightly shake her hand, seeing no ill-will or malice in her gaze, and find yourself relaxing a bit. When you give her a genuine smile, you visibly see her shoulders relax. Obviously, she's extremely nervous to be meeting all of his friends like this. You knew exactly how that felt, so you didn't need to add any extra stress for her as the ex. You can put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy for their sake as well.
"Thank god that's over."
Chanyeol’s voice helps remove the rest of the tension in the room, and a couple people chuckle. You let a smile grace your face, but you're still focused on their presence, especially as they move to sit in the chair across from you. Baekhyun pats his lap for her to sit down. When she quickly glances around and realizes there aren't any other seats available, she sits down on his lap and gets comfortable. Much to your dismay, you see him wrap his arms around her waist and rest his chin on her shoulder. The sight is like a stab to your chest, but you push it away with all the rest of your emotions.
Except now that you're seeing him with your own eyes, it's like your brain wants to torture you. Flashes of important moments in your relationship repeat in your mind until you get to the one that you wish you could forget forever. The one you'd easily consider to be one of the worst moments of your life.
Baekhyun's hands are wrapped around yours, and the two of you are gripping and squeezing each other's hands like they're lifeboats keeping you afloat. Tears stream down both of your faces as you lean against each other on the couch.
This is the only solution. Both of you know it, yet, it's one of the hardest things you've ever done. The two of you love each other fiercely, but it feels like you're clasping and trying to hold on to something that just keeps slipping through your fingers. Neither of you wants to let go, but what else can you do? It's a heartbreaking case of the right person at the wrong time.
Between the stresses of work and school, trying to achieve your dreams, and keeping your families happy, your schedules are like night and day. Finding time to be with each other is becoming impossible. The two of you are like ships passing each other in the night. You know the other is there for you, but you rarely ever see them. You both hate it and curse it, but neither of you knows how to change it without compromising things you need or want. Even if being together is one of those things.
"I think it's time we let go," Baekhyun says, though it comes out as more of a sob.
You bite your bottom lip until you taste blood. This isn't what you want. This isn't what either of you want, but what other option is there? It's too hard to keep going on like this. You're too tired of trying to fight for something that doesn't seem like it's meant to be.
You nod because you know if you open your mouth, words won't be what comes out. A whine of someone who's in pain will kiss the air, and neither of you will have the strength to go through with this after. You'll continue being lonely and miserable instead.
Dabin accidentally bumps you, pulling you out of memories you hoped you had suppressed. The breakup was seven months ago, but it still hurts like it was yesterday. It still feels like you can't breathe when those memories resurface.
"Hey," Dabin gazes at you with concern. "You okay?"
You pull that same empty smile back on your face and nod. The sympathetic expression on hers tells you that it's obvious where you had gone in your head. She forces you to join the discussion with the others, probably hoping to distract you.
Glancing at the faces around you, you allow their lively expressions and laughter-filled smiles to pull you from those upsetting memories. This is what you need to focus on. The here and now with the people you love and cherish.
Though once old group memories begin to get brought up, it's hard to separate your relationship with Baekhyun from your relationship with the group. They were so entwined and connected. There are no group memories without coupled Baekhyun and you, and you're gonna have to accept it and roll with the punches.
"Didn't Dabin threaten to beat Chanyeol up for that?"
"Girls must have a thing for threatening Chanyeol because I remember Y/N threatening him too," Jongdae answers Sehun in a roundabout way, causing Baekhyun to chime in.
"That was well deserved!"
Your mind flashes back to Junmyeon's birthday when the group was playing Truth or Dare in an attempt to get Junmyeon to embarrass himself. Jongin was on a health kick, and when Chanyeol saw an opportunity to mess with Baekhyun, he took it.
You repeat the word "please" in your head as Chanyeol looks for his next victim. He already made Jongdae eat some gross-ass thing he concocted, and you didn't want to be his next victim. If you choose truth, Chanyeol knows enough of your secrets that it could backfire on you.
"Baekhyun! Truth or Dare?"
Baekhyun meets his gaze with an unbothered expression. "Dare."
Chanyeol grins wickedly before standing up and walking to the bowl of salad Jongin brought. He reaches into the bowl, ignoring Jongin's protests about his dirty fingers, and pulls out a green circle.
"I dare you to eat this."
Snickers fill the air around you as you stare at the cut-up piece of cucumber. You quickly turn and look at Baekhyun, but his glare is leveled on Chanyeol. Everyone knew Baekhyun hated cucumbers and that this is the one dare he wouldn't do, including Chanyeol.
"No."
"No? Then, I guess you better strip naked and run down the street to the police station."
Your eyes widen at Chanyeol’s second option. Junmyeon immediately protests, citing he doesn't want to see Baekhyun naked or arrested for indecent exposure, but Chanyeol ignores him completely.
"I had to send a nude to my ex last time. Someone - besides me - is getting naked."
"We're grown adults," Sehun groans. "Why does anyone have to get naked?"
"So, my best friend either wants me dead or arrested," Baekhyun says with a deadpan expression.
Chanyeol rolls his eyes. "Don't be so dramatic."
You sigh and try to remind Chanyeol that the goal tonight is to embarrass Junmyeon, not Baekhyun. "Chanyeol, just give him a different dare, or else we're all going to just sit here for the rest of the night."
Chanyeol and Baekhyun are already stubborn people, but the moment alcohol is added, their stubbornness increases tenfold. You know that if one of them doesn't cave soon, the game is over, and someone will be pissy the rest of the night. Chanyeol must've realized this too because you noticed him slowly moving towards Baekhyun, offending green food in hand.
"Chanyeol, if you go anywhere near him with that cucumber, I will shove it down your throat," you threaten. You may be halfway tired of the two idiots, but you’re always willing to defend your boyfriend.
Chanyeol freezes, and Baekhyun looks at him in disbelief before immediately searching for the closest object to him. Junmyeon sighs loudly as a remote flies toward Chanyeol, and Jongin pouts, softly murmuring about Chanyeol’s fingers in his salad.
Rolling your eyes at the memory, you shoot Chanyeol a sweet smile and say, "It's okay. We got payback at the gym."
Dabin snorts next to you. "I forgot you stole all of his clothes while he was in the shower."
"That was not funny! Those little towels they give you don't cover shit!" Chanyeol whines, still visibly perturbed by the memory.
Baekhyun laughs. "When he came out of the locker room trying to cover himself with them, I thought I was going to die of laughter."
You and Baekhyun look at each other with wide smiles on your face. The trouble the two of you used to cause would drive the rest of the group nuts, but you both reveled in it. He was your partner-in-crime, and if the two of you could get away with something, you did it.
"God, the two of you were menaces together," Jongdae groans, causing Minseok to agree.
"They were quite the duo."
You both share soft smiles as you relive the pranks and mayhem you used to cause. The memories flood you with a warm feeling, and you suddenly wish you could go back in time and do it all over again, even if the outcome would still be the same.
"It's a good thing you guys broke up because you're too powerful together," Chanyeol jokes but doesn't realize it falls flat.
You fall silent, barely feeling Dabin shift closer to you so that your arms are against each other in a gesture of comfort. You feel eyes on you, and you look up to see both Junmyeon and Minseok looking at you with sympathy in their gaze. Minseok quickly looks away and changes the topic before it can get any more awkward, and you couldn't be more grateful.
Slowly, your eyes trail to Baekhyun, and it registers in your mind that he's gone silent as well. He looks deep in thought. Almost like the words affected him too. Like he wishes they never graced the air. Your eyes trail down to his hands, and you see him absent-mindedly playing with his girlfriend's fingers, something he did a thousand times with you.
You rip your gaze away as a sick feeling begins in your stomach, but not before Baekhyun notices your stare. You try to play it off, pulling Dabin into a side conversation until you feel his gaze drift away and take a deep breath. You can do this. You've got this.
Almost unwillingly, your eyes find their way back to Baekhyun. The sight before you has the air in your lungs vanishing and your heartbeat stuttering. Baekhyun leans toward his girlfriend as she leans back against him, and he kisses her lips softly. He kisses her like she's the most delicate and precious thing in this world, and it feels like your heart is being ripped from your chest.
The edges of your vision blacken. The couple is the only thing you can see, but it's almost like they're moving away from you, like you're seeing them but not really. A tiny whimper might have escaped your throat, but you're not sure. The only thing you're sure of is your fight or flight response kicking in, and you quickly choose the latter.
You're on your feet and escaping the room before your brain can completely register it. The only thing you know is that you need to get away as soon as possible. You need to distance yourself from them.
The first viable option you find is the bathroom. You quickly duck into the small room and shut the door behind you, locking it and leaning against the hard wood. Air burns your lungs as you suck it back into your body, and you finally start to notice your eyes burning. Blinking rapidly, you try to calm yourself down and make sure no evidence of your near breakdown is visible on your face, though your exit was glaringly obvious.
You move to the counter and flatten your palms on it in an attempt to ground yourself. Mumbled voices reach your ears, and you can hear the worry and questioning behind them. Instant regret slams into you when you realize you have to go back out there and face everybody, face them. Your temporary escape was only that. Temporary.
You thought you were prepared to face him, to see him with his girlfriend, and everything would be fine, but it's so far from the truth. You don't know if you can actually do this, but you have to try. For your friends. For Yixing. For yourself.
Working up the courage to go back out there, you take a few more steadying breaths and straighten your body. This is going to be embarrassing and awkward, but it'll pass. You'll make it through this night, and you'll never have to see Baekhyun and his girlfriend again if you don't want to… You almost hate yourself when you realize you'll gladly see Baekhyun again. No matter how much it hurts.
Coming up with a weak alibi, you flush the toilet and turn on the sink, pretending as if you went to the bathroom. You check your reflection as the water runs, making sure you're not splotchy and look normal. Once you're satisfied, you quickly wash your hands before shutting off the sink and drying them. You then swing open the bathroom door like everything's normal.
The conversation quiets down as you enter the room, and when nearly everyone is staring at you, you offer a sheepish smile.
"Sorry, I really needed to use the restroom."
The looks on their faces tell you they don't believe you at all, but they kindly accept the lie and focus on something else. When you sit down, Dabin gives you a worried look, but you wave her off and do your best to focus on her conversation with Jongin. It takes all of your willpower to not look at the seat across from you. Especially when you feel two sets of eyes boring holes into the side of your face.
You continue on like that for the next hour. You talk to the people around you, let their conversations pull your attention, and avoid Baekhyun's area like the plague. You allow yourself to live in the lie that everything is okay - that you're okay. It works. Barely.
"Dang, the chips are gone," Kyungsoo looks mournfully at the empty bowl.
"Beer too," Sehun adds, looking just as sad.
Knowing there's more in the kitchen, you stand up and offer to grab some more. Yixing shoots you a grateful smile since he's in the middle of a phone call, and you wave him off. You could use the distraction.
Walking into the kitchen, you take a moment to yourself before you move to the refrigerator and open it. You hear footsteps behind you and assume it's Yixing coming to help you, but when you turn to say something to him, you find out you're dead wrong.
Baekhyun stands in the doorway, hands tucked into the front pockets of his jeans as he lightly nibbles on his bottom lip. Your heart slams against your ribcage as you take in the sight of him, and you have to remind yourself to breathe.
"How are you?" He quietly asks.
It takes a moment for you to find your voice. "I'm okay… How are you?"
Baekhyun looks unsure of your words, but he's no longer in a position to question them, so he slowly nods. "I'm good."
"Good," you mumble, happy that he appears to be doing better than you. It'd almost hurt more to see him suffering like you are.
When words fail both of you, you put a fake smile on your face and say, "It's great we were all able to get together today."
Baekhyun's expression appears pained. Partially because it's sad that this is where the two of you are now, but also because you know he can see that you're hurting. Baekhyun always knew how you felt almost before you did, but you aren't going to allow that to be on his conscience. You both agreed to separate. He doesn't need to be punished because he found happiness again.
"Yeah," he clears his throat. "It's great to see everyone."
You hum and turn away from him, pulling the drinks out of the refrigerator so you can focus on something else. Something other than the most beautiful man in the universe staring at you like you're his favorite broken toy, and he doesn't know how to put you back together even though he desperately wants to.
"Are you okay?" He finally asks.
Your eyes fall closed, and you steady your breathing before you face him again. In the most believable voice you can manage, you say, "I'm fine."
"Don't…" He immediately says, shaking his head. "Don't do that."
"Do what?" Your voice comes out a little breathless due to the intensity behind his eyes.
The pained expression is clear on his face now. "Don't lie to me. Don't try to put on some face with me to save my feelings."
"Baekhyun, I'm not - "
"Please…" His voice cracks and that paired with the honest and raw expression in his pleading eyes is nearly your undoing.
You can't do this. You can't tell him the truth, but you can't lie either. Not to Baekhyun. You've never lied to him before, and he knew you like the back of his hand anyway. He'd know you weren't being honest. It didn't matter, though, because you can't tell him how you really feel. You can't tell him and upend his new world. You won't.
You open your mouth to speak, but he's quick to cut you off. "Don't lie to me, either… I know you. I know you're… hurting."
Debating the ramifications, you meet his pleading stare with an honest one of your own. This could be your one chance to tell him how you feel. Even if it doesn't change anything. Even if he acknowledges it and walks away, at least you told him…
"It hurts…" Your voice breaks. "It hurts seeing you be like that with someone else. It almost hurts to breathe in your presence, and it kills me to not be by your side because I am still so in love with you… so deeply in love with you that I'm scared I'll never be over you."
Your words nearly end on a sob, and you're amazed that you're able to get that much out. That you somehow found the strength to push them from your mouth.
Baekhyun's face is a mixture of surprise and shock. He knew you were hurting, but you don't think he knew how you were still in love with him. How much it hurt seeing him and his girlfriend today. A look of pure anguish and grief takes over his features, and you realize he has no idea what to say or do. He didn't expect any of that to come out when he asked if you were okay. Maybe an "It's hard" but certainly not "I'm still deeply in love with you".
He opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out at first. What can you even say to something like that? You immediately feel ashamed and like an idiot. He has a freaking girlfriend. She's right down the hallway for goodness sake! He's moved on. He doesn't still love you, and you should've kept your mouth shut like you originally planned.
"I'm so sorry," you blurt out. "I shouldn't have said anything."
You quickly move past him, trying to get away from what just happened, all while repeating how sorry you are for saying anything. Though, before you get past him and free of the kitchen, he grabs your arm and stops you.
"Wait."
"I shouldn't have said any of that."
"Will you please just let me talk?" His voice is more serious than you've ever heard it.
You squeeze your eyes shut. "I'm sorry. I know you've moved on. I should've kept it to myself."
"No, you shouldn't have." His grip tightens on your arm. "Now, will you just give me a moment to talk?"
Your eyes find his as tears threaten to leak from them. It's completely selfish not wanting to listen to what he has to say, especially after everything that just fell from your lips, but you can't be broken up with twice. You can't be rejected again, even if the first time was mutual. The first time nearly broke you. You didn't know if you'd survive a second time.
Pulling your arm out of his grasp, you shake your head and back away from him, preparing for your getaway. "I'm sorry… I can't."
Baekhyun's Pov
Baekhyun stands completely dumbfounded in the kitchen. Your words replay over and over in his head until he feels like he is in some sort of sick dream.
He's wanted to hear those words from you nearly every day since the breakup. Dreamt of it dozens of times throughout the months, and he considers pinching himself to make sure he's not dreaming right now. To make sure that you really just told him you're still in love with him. The person he had fallen so head-over-heels for it had knocked the breath out of him.
You still love him… but… he has a girlfriend now…
The feeling of being ripped open cracks his chest, and Baekhyun doesn't know if he's ever been more torn in his life. You're you. You're everything, but it didn't work out the first time, so why should he be stupid enough to think it'd work a second time? Especially when there hasn't been much change in either of your circumstances.
His girlfriend is amazing. Thoughtful, caring, giving… She makes him happy. She helped him come back from the darkness he felt when the two of you broke up. Helped him realize he could find someone to be happy with again, but she also wasn't you.
He sighs, having absolutely zero clue of what he should do. The tiniest part of him wishes he never asked, wishes he never knew your true feelings. That's just the selfish part of him that doesn't want to inevitably hurt someone he cares about.
It was already hard enough being here in your presence and having to relive old memories. Now, he has no idea what to expect as he walks out of the kitchen and back to the main room. He's unsure if he should look at you or not, but as he passes you, his eyes try to find yours regardless. He silently begs you to look at him, but you refuse. Your eyes are laser-focused on Yixing as he talks, but Baekhyun is positive you have no idea what he's saying. You're so still. He knows you're waiting for the hammer to fall down.
Baekhyun sits down, his girlfriend finding her way back on his lap again, and now all he can think about is how this sight might be killing you. If he were in your position, he had no idea what he would do. All he knew was that it wouldn't be pretty. He takes a deep breath and rolls his shoulders, causing his girlfriend to look back at him curiously. He flashes her a smile and decides to push your words out of his head and focus on the present.
That would be a lot easier if your actions didn't keep drawing his attention right back to you. Every time you speak or laugh, his eyes are drawn to you like a moth to a flame. He can't stop himself, and he's unsure if he even wants to.
You're just as beautiful as he remembered. Just as eloquent and lively as before, but he can see the difference in you, no matter how much you try to hide it. You're hurting, just as bad as he was, if not even more. Baekhyun feels sick at the thought. He thought the breakup would help you both, but it's clear it had the opposite effect. It destroyed you instead.
Your words continue to repeat in his head like a broken record. He knew how much it cost you to speak those words. To admit to being in pain and scared. To admit to being in love with him still… and it'd be a blatant lie for him to say he doesn't still have feelings for you.
The moment he heard those words from you, he wanted to take you back immediately. He wanted to pretend the breakup was just a nightmare and go back to the way things were. He almost told you he still loved you too, so much that the thought you felt even an inkling of the same electrified him. If you hadn't stopped him, if you had allowed him to talk, the two of you would probably be making up for lost time right now.
Shifting on his lap catches his attention, and he looks away from you to see his girlfriend watching him. Guilt threatens to drown him. None of this is fair to her. She doesn't deserve to have her boyfriend focused on someone else. She deserves the world, and Baekhyun is just now realizing he can't give it to her. He can't give her all of him because you still hold such a massive piece in your hands.
"What happened in there?" She softly asks.
Baekhyun's entire being freezes. He has no idea what to say. He barely even knows what to think himself, but he certainly knows that now isn't the time for this conversation. The two of them needed to talk in private, so for now, he'd play it off and act like everything is fine.
"Nothing," he gives her a soft smile. "We were just catching up is all."
Her eyebrows raise, and he knows she's smarter than that. She knows there's more to it.
"You both came out looking like different people."
Her words startle him. He hadn't realized how transparent he was being. Do they all know that something is going on? Is it written on your faces?
"Let's talk about it later," he says as gently as he can.
His girlfriend pauses for a moment before she says, "She still loves you, doesn't she?"
His breath escapes him, and he looks at her in surprise. If he felt like he was drowning earlier, a tidal wave was now crashing down on top of him too. Any chance of a lifeboat coming in and telling him everything will be okay is minuscule. How did she know?
She only nods, like the answer is clear to her. "And you?"
A tight feeling in his chest rises to his attention, and he has to remind himself to breathe. He doesn't want to hurt her. That's the absolute last thing he wants, but his silence gives her the answer she needs.
She turns away from him, slightly nodding to herself as she processes the information he didn't mean to give her yet. When she looks back at him, he sees acceptance on her face, almost like she expected this to eventually happen. A small smile and slightly watery eyes meet his gaze, and Baekhyun wants to pull her into the tightest hug. She doesn't deserve this.
She leans toward him and kisses his cheek before lowly murmuring, "Don't let her get away this time."
Before Baekhyun can even respond, she stands up from his lap. When people turn to look at her, she smiles and then turns to Yixing, thanking him for his hospitality. After that, she turns to the door and walks out, not only of Yixing's house but of Baekhyun's life.
A few people glance at him curiously, but all he offers them is a small smile. Even though he's feeling anything but calm. He's completely dumbfounded. Again. He's shocked by her actions, relieved that she gave him an out without so much as a word, and guilty for feeling relieved.
Baekhyun didn't know if he'd ever be able to do what she just did, but it completely fits her personality. Her soft and selfless nature, which only caused his guilt to grow, but… this is exactly what he wanted. He knew he couldn't be with her. He didn't want to be because of you.
He carefully watches you, and though you're trying your absolute best not to look over at him, he can tell you're dying to know what just happened. He thinks over your relationship, the small moments he deeply cherished, and all of the light and laughter you brought to his life… All the hell of not being able to see and spend time with each other was worth it for all those little moments you had together. He's still deeply in love with you too.
Y/N’s POV
Curiosity is getting the better of you. You're dying to know why Baekhyun's girlfriend left. Did she have somewhere else to be? It didn't look like they fought or anything. In fact, she kissed him on the cheek before she left. Surely, everything is okay between them… There's no way Baekhyun told her what you said, right?
You try to focus on Jongdae and Kyungsoo's conversation, but your mind is too busy running wild with possibilities and theories. You made a mistake telling Baekhyun your real feelings, didn't you? That's why she left, isn't it? No, that doesn't make sense. Why would that cause her to leave? It's not Baekhyun's fault how you feel, and it's not like he feels the same.
Well, you assume not, but you didn't exactly give him a chance to speak on anything you said. You tucked your tail and ran like your life depended on it. Baekhyun moved on, though, so you are assuming you're correct. Then again, you know what they say about assumptions…
You keep glancing over at Baekhyun, but he never looks your way. Actually, he barely looks at anyone. He just looks deep in thought as he stares at the armrest of Chanyeol’s chair. It drives you absolutely insane that nobody speaks about what happened. Your friends are some of the nosiest people you know, and you know they're dying to find out why Baekhyun looks spaced out and his girlfriend left.
As the night wraps up, you say your goodbyes, giving the people you don't see often extra tight hugs, especially Yixing. After making him promise not to be gone so long next time, you glance around the room to make sure you got everyone. When you spot Baekhyun talking to Junmyeon, you debate for a total of 10 seconds if you're going to say goodbye or once again tuck your tail and run. You choose the latter.
Grabbing your things, you exit Yixing's house, thinking you made a clean getaway when you suddenly hear a "wait" from behind. You freeze on the front porch, knowing that voice all too well. When you turn around, you see Baekhyun running toward you, almost breathless.
The determination in his eyes startles you, and when he takes a step toward you, you almost take a step back. Managing to stay still, you allow Baekhyun to reach down and take your slightly trembling hands in his. You look at him with wide eyes, your voice gone as you wait for him to say something. Anything.
"I still love you too," he says, eyes searching yours. "We made a mistake breaking up. We should've stuck it out together, living in those short moments of bliss when we could make time for each other. If I had known we'd both be miserable, I never would've allowed it to happen. When it was just me… I could handle it, but I can't handle you being unhappy too."
Your mouth parts in shock, and you search his face to try and understand if this is really happening. These are the words you've wanted to hear from Baekhyun for months. You want nothing more than to be with him again, but… it's no use. There hasn't been any change in your lives. Maybe you're slightly less busy, but it wouldn't make much of a difference.
"Baekhyun… Those words mean everything to me, but…" you whisper, "nothing has changed…"
"Can you really walk away when we both know that the other's hurting? When we both know what the other wants?"
Could you? Walking away the first time was hard enough. Now, you know what both sides of the coin look like, and you know you'd rather suffer the time you have to be apart just for those little moments. You want to be with him. Desperately. Without him, you're half the person you used to be.
"No…" you whisper, searching his eyes.
He can read the feelings on your face loud and clear. His hands drop yours and come up to cup your face. He pulls you toward him, meeting your lips halfway. You immediately open yourself to let him in, and he takes advantage, tongue swiping against yours feverishly. The both of you pour your entire souls into the kiss, letting the other know all the things you want to say but don't know how to word. Suddenly, it's like everything clicks into place.
A pounding sound startles you apart, and you both turn to see your friends banging against the glass of the window that overlooks the porch. A couple of them cheer while others continue to pound on the glass with happy smiles on their faces.
A grin overtakes your mouth, and you glance at Baekhyun to see he's wearing a matching one. His eyes twinkle as he looks at you before he pulls you back to him and kisses you just as passionately as before. The two of you put on a show for your friends, who eat up every second of it, and everything feels right again.
Baekhyun pulls away and rests his forehead against yours. You breathe in each other's air as he happily stares into your eyes.
A Love Song for People Who Doesn't Understand Love
there's a specific kind of loneliness that comes from watching yourself ruin things in real time. you see your hand reach out and push someone away. you hear the words leave your mouth, sharp and cutting. you watch their face change. and somewhere inside, a voice says: stop. this is exactly what you didn't want to happen. but you don't stop. you can't stop. or maybe you won't stop. the difference between those three becomes impossible to parse when you've spent your entire life building walls and calling them survival.
i was fourteen when epik high's "gray so gray" taught me there was a name for this. i cried myself to sleep that night, not from sadness, but from the strange relief of being seen. almost four years later, i still haven't decided if that recognition was a gift or a curse.
Chorus: The Inconvenient Truth About Self-Awareness
most discussions of avoidant attachment operate on a simple assumption: avoidants don't realize they're scared, don't recognize they're hurting people, and don't see their behavior as a pattern. the typical narrative suggests that awareness itself is the cure. "gray so gray" rejects this premise entirely. its protagonist already knows all of this. they can diagnose themselves with clinical precision. they understand cause and effect. they watch themselves cause pain and know it's happening.
this self-awareness doesn't fix anything. that's the part most people miss.
the opening lines establish this immediately. the protagonist has "only learned how to be bad" and hates themselves for it. they desperately wanted to be good. notice the past tense. this isn't someone discovering their flaws for the first time. this is someone who has lived with this knowledge long enough for the wanting to calcify into something harder and more permanent than desire.
the popular narrative suggests that insight leads to change. understand why you're avoidant, and you'll stop being avoidant. "gray so gray" offers a more uncomfortable reality: you can understand everything and change nothing. knowledge and transformation are not the same currency.
Verse 1: The Cactus Wasn't Born Sharp
the first verse dismantles another common misconception about avoidant attachment: that avoidants are inherently cold, naturally withdrawn, constitutionally incapable of warmth. the protagonist rejects this. they weren't always "sharp to the touch." they didn't emerge from the womb as a cactus.
instead, "the world made me swallow countless thorns." this matters. the transformation from person to cactus wasn't a choice but a response. an adaptation. the protagonist tried to expel the pain they'd swallowed, and in that process of trying to protect themselves, they became dangerous to others.
this is where the metaphor gains its real power. a cactus doesn't develop thorns out of malice. it develops thorns because that's what survival required in its environment. the thorns aren't personality. they're adaptation. but by the time the cactus realizes it no longer needs those thorns, they've already become part of its structure. you can't just decide to be smooth again.
the protagonist knows this. they call themselves "the problem" and acknowledge they're "too fragile." even holding something gentle like a flower will cause them to "shatter into pieces." this isn't self-pity. it's threat assessment. they're not saying they deserve gentleness despite their thorns. they're saying they'll destroy gentleness because of their thorns. the kindest thing they can do is tell the flower to leave.
most people hear this as low self-esteem. it's actually the opposite. it's a clear-eyed understanding of present capacity.
Verse 2: The Desert Where Love Won't Grow
the second verse confronts what avoidants do that often gets minimized in therapeutic language: they take. the protagonist's heart is "a desert" where love can't grow, but that barrenness doesn't make them passive. they were "cold." they gave tears when someone wanted attention. they "took everything and gave sadness."
this is the part that doesn't get discussed enough in conversations about attachment trauma. yes, avoidants were often hurt. yes, their defensiveness is learned. but learned behavior still has consequences. the protagonist doesn't hide behind their history. they state clearly: i extracted resources. i gave pain in return. i knew what you wanted, and i gave you the opposite.
then comes the deflection: "you know i was always a mess." it's simultaneously honest and evasive. honest because it's true. evasive because it positions the mess as a known constant rather than a changeable pattern. if you knew i was a mess, the logic goes, then what did you expect? this shifts responsibility subtly from "i should work on this" to "you should have known better."
avoidants do this constantly. they warn you, hurt you, then point to the warning as if it absolves the hurt. the protagonist seems aware they're doing this, but awareness, again, doesn't stop the pattern.
Verse 3: Preemptive Warfare
the third verse articulates what many avoidants feel but rarely admit: "i'm the type to hurt someone just so they can't hurt me first." this isn't reactive. it's strategic. the protagonist isn't lashing out in response to immediate threat. they're implementing a preemptive strike based on the assumption that pain is inevitable, so controlling its timing and source becomes paramount.
this reveals something crucial about avoidant attachment that contradicts its common portrayal. avoidants aren't passive. they're not simply withdrawing or going numb. they're actively managing relationships through calculated distance and periodic harm. it's a form of control born from feeling fundamentally out of control.
the verse continues: "yeah, my loneliness is all my fault, but i keep blaming you and the world." this is the cognitive dissonance at the core. the protagonist knows intellectually that they're responsible for their isolation. but emotionally, they still experience it as something being done to them. both things exist simultaneously. you can know you caused something and still feel victimized by it.
this isn't irrationality. it's the gap between intellectual understanding and emotional belief. you can read every book about attachment theory. you can understand that your parents' inconsistency taught you that closeness means danger. you can trace the exact mechanism by which your defensive strategies became self-defeating. and you can still, in the moment someone reaches for you, feel nothing but the certainty that you need to get away.
the protagonist decides to "let go of your hand now, before the last bit of feelings you have for me become hatred." this is framed as mercy, but it's also control. better to end it on my terms than wait for you to leave. better to be the one who walks away. at least then i'm making a choice rather than being abandoned.
Verse 4: Because I'm Only Human
the fourth verse traces everything back to origin: "i don't understand love. ever since i was little, i only learned how to have things taken away." this is explanation, not justification. the protagonist immediately follows with: "it's all an excuse, i know."
this is sophisticated psychological awareness. they understand that their childhood explains their present but doesn't excuse it. causation isn't permission. but here's what the popular narrative misses: knowing something is an excuse doesn't make it stop functioning as a reason. you can intellectually reject the validity of your defense mechanisms while still being governed by them.
the most devastating line comes next: "i told you i'd give you everything i've got. i kept that promise by giving you all of my pain." this reframes avoidant behavior in a way that's both honest and terrible. avoidants do give fully. they're not actually withholding. they're just giving the wrong thing. they promised everything and delivered on that promise. the problem is that everything they have is pain.
the verse ends with a question: "how can a human being be like this?" followed immediately by the answer: "it's precisely because i'm only human." being human means being shaped by experience. it means adapting to survive. it means learning patterns that once protected you and carrying them long past their usefulness. the protagonist isn't using humanity as an excuse. they're using it as an explanation for why knowledge doesn't automatically override conditioning.
Bridge: Contradiction
after verses of self-awareness and accountability, the bridge does something unexpected. the protagonist apologizes. they acknowledge their "insecure heart" and "unstable self." they admit "my heart won't beat the way i want it to."
then: "can i rest my head on your shoulder?"
this is the impossibility at the center of avoidant attachment. you want comfort without vulnerability. you want intimacy without exposure. you want someone to hold you while you remain fundamentally untouchable. the protagonist seems aware this is contradictory, but the need doesn't care about the contradiction.
this is what people who haven't experienced this kind of attachment often can't grasp. it's not that avoidants don't want closeness. they desperately want closeness. they just want it on impossible terms. they want the other person to maintain perfect distance and perfect proximity simultaneously. they want to be known without being seen. they want to be held without being touched.
the bridge doesn't resolve this contradiction. it just states it plainly and hopes for something that can't exist.
Outro: Because
the outro strips everything down to its simplest form. "because i don't understand love, i still don't understand love. that is why." the repetition isn't emphasis. it's the sound of a mind running in circles. not understanding love isn't cute or mysterious. it's a deficit with real consequences for real people.
then the justifications: "i did it to live. i did it to smile. i did it for me." these are true. avoidant strategies are survival mechanisms. they're attempts at self-preservation. but the final line undercuts this: "i did it all for you."
this seems like contradiction until you understand it's not. avoidants genuinely believe that pushing people away protects those people. that their coldness is a kindness. that disappearing is a gift. they did it for themselves and for you because in their logic, both are served by distance. everyone's safer when the cactus stands alone.
the song ends on "because," leaving the sentence unfinished. because what? because that's all there is to say. because explanation has run its course. because reasons don't change outcomes.
Three Years and Still Counting
i'm not writing this to justify avoidant behavior. i know the harm it causes. i've inflicted that harm. i've watched people's patience turn to exhaustion, their hope turn to resignation, their love turn to relief when i finally left. the people hurt by avoidants experience real pain that no amount of psychological explanation mitigates or excuses.
but i am writing to articulate something true that the popular discourse on attachment often misses: insight is not the same as transformation. you can understand yourself completely and still be unable to change. or unwilling. or trapped somewhere between unable and unwilling where the distinction stops mattering.
this isn't a plea for patience or a request for accommodation. it's simply an attempt to put words to a specific kind of trap. you're not broken in a way that can be fixed. you're adapted in a way that hurts. that hurt is real. you're allowed to acknowledge it while still taking responsibility for what you do with it.
"gray so gray" gave fourteen-year-old me language for something i'd been living but couldn't name. at nearly eighteen, i'm still living it. i still push people away. i still give tears when they want attention. i still hurt people before they can hurt me. i know i do this. i watch myself do it. i hate that i do it.
the song doesn't offer hope or solutions because there aren't easy ones. it offers something more modest and more necessary: a clear-eyed account of what it feels like to be the problem you can see but cannot solve. to know what you're doing wrong while doing it. to understand the mechanism of your own dysfunction without being able to dismantle it.
this isn't a story about redemption or growth. it's a story about recognition. and sometimes, in the specific loneliness of watching yourself ruin things in real time, being seen is both everything and not nearly enough.
The Part That Stays With You
here's what i wish someone had told me at fourteen: recognition matters, but it's only the beginning. understanding why you're a cactus doesn't make you less sharp. reading about attachment theory doesn't rewire your nervous system. crying over a song that describes you perfectly doesn't change what you do the next time someone reaches for you.
but it does give you a choice that wasn't there before. not the choice to instantly transform. the choice to see clearly what you're doing and decide, in that moment, whether to do it anyway. most of the time, you'll still do it. the pattern is too deep, the fear too old, the thorns too much a part of your structure. but sometimes, in the gap between knowing and doing, there's space for something different. not change. not yet. just the possibility of it.
"gray so gray" doesn't promise that possibility will become reality. it just acknowledges that space exists. that seeing yourself clearly, even when what you see is ugly and hurtful and stuck, is its own kind of truth. and truth, uncomfortable as it is, is still better than the alternative of not knowing why you're alone.
the song ends on an unfinished "because." maybe that's the most honest ending possible. because change is hard. because patterns persist. because knowing and changing are different things. because you're still a cactus, even when you hate being one. because, because, because.
the answer to "because what" isn't in the song. it's in what you do after the music stops.
Will you still be my best friend if I told you that I love you with all my soul, that I want to see your eyes first thing in the morning, that I want to be there for you when you cry, when you smile, I want to be there with you when days are cold, dark and full of agony, will you still be my bestfriend after I confess my love of eternity for you or will you leave me to rot like everyone else did?
Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief, Rick Riordan / The Louvre, Lorde / Jennifer's Body (2009), dir. Karyn Kusama / An Ode To A Conversation Stuck in Your Throat, Del Water Gap / Anyone Else But You, The Moldy Peaches / Change My Mind, One Direction / I'm Drunk, I Love You (2017), dir. JP Habac / It's Nice To Have A Friend, Taylor Swift / Love, Rosie (2014), dir. Christian Ditter / You Are In Love, Taylor Swift / Dress, Taylor Swift / Beautiful World, Where Are You, Sally Rooney / Peace, Taylor Swift / Little Women (2019), dir. Greta Gerwig / 13 Going On 30 (2004), dir. Gary Winick / Lucky, Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat / One Day (2024), Netflix / Funny Story, Emily Henry / Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014), screenplay by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely / Only Friend, Wallows / Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014), dir. Joe and Anthony Russo / The Song of Achilles, Madeline Miller
if you love me, henry, you don't love me in a way i understand
Mirages, Anais Nin // First Love/Late Spring, Mitski // Stranger Things (2016) // Hannibal(2013) // Little Women (2019) // Two Week Notice, Leanna Firestone // Fleabag (2016) // On My Own, Les Miserables // Wishbone, Richard Siken
Mahmoud Darwish // E.M. Forster, The Life to Come and Other Stories // People You Know—Selena Gomez // @lucidloving // Hishaam Siddiqi, "Where did you go?"
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