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Session 58

“A prescription won’t solve anything, go on.”

"Yea, well. Then there were two glowing eyes, arranging my cluttered apartment- they were shadow figures... In the distance, the Millennium Tower sank completely and exploded into a huge ball of fire...Once the smoke cleared, a reptilian bird flew out of the ashes and devoured all survivors."

“Then what happened-you've got 5 minutes.”

"...I step outside for a smoke and across the street, is an Arab man, in a van- he was menacing-like that Orson Welles movie…what are you doing?"

"Just close your eyes."

"I can't breathe."

"Which movie…this'll only take a minute.”

The Bitter Comedian

I've been walking down Wilshire for some time now. I came to meet a potential room mate near Korea Town but I'm not even sure I want to live in Los Angeles; there’s shit smeared every where on the floor-landmines displaced by the homeless. I try to imagine myself in an epic battle, but my mental capacity for such romantic thoughts are fleeting.

I'm just feeling dejected. Maybe I'll take the bus.

"When I become President, I’ll place butt wipes in every public bathroom," declared a homeless man.

I wonder if he was once a comedian...maybe I can be one.

Picasso Blue

“Fucking queers.” Todd looked at Karen. They both shrugged their shoulders. They’re currently in a hospice visiting their mother. “Fucking queers.” ‘He must be talking to us, right?’ Todd asked. ‘I have no fucking clue,’ Karen answered. “Damn you all.” ‘Is it bad, I want to laugh? He just called that couple with a baby queers,’ Todd said. ‘Let’s gets coffee.’ Karen said.

Todd and Karen continued to walk behind the man until they reached the coffee machine. They could still hear him down the hall of the hospice. They grabbed their coffees and headed back to their mother’s bedside.

Rent-O-Cop Chisme

“Did meaningful, life changing occurrences ever happen to you in the summers? Mine always happened in the summer."

“What ch'you mean?”

“Like when you go to camp, you meet a girl, ya know, some Wonder Years shit.”

“Oh, like when I smoked my first cigar in the 5th grade, or when I used a frozen wiener as a dildo for that Asian flow.”

"Kick back."

"Hahahaha!"

“Oh snap, check it out, it’s the creeper.”

"Who?"

“Wilsons got surveillance of a homeless man leaving his apartment...and he paid him!”

“So...”

“Isn’t obvious?…homie got his dick sucked."

"Shhh, here he comes."

Rusty Cogs

“Sex is a weird.” “What? Sex with me?” she asked. “No, not with you, I mean in general.” “Explain.” “Well…its two bodies, stacked up on top of each other, rubbing, creating friction, getting all sweaty— ” “Um—” she was trying to interrupt. “Like two hippos, emanating moans that sound like we’re trying to carry a baby grand piano up a flight of stairs--” “I guess…I don’t want to be late for work,” she said. “...Let's split an UBER!” "I'd rather walk."

They parted ways.

Weeks later, an overindulgent shopping spree rendered their feelings anew; like they could change the world.

The Ballad Of A Bird

I carried with me a trash bag of provisions for the ride back to B-More; today, I was released from prison. It was early morning, say 2:15, when I hopped inside the dimly lit bus. I made my way to the back and sat next to a guy that seemed pretty chill. For the next 250 miles we talked about 2Pac’s poetry, and shared some Ho-Ho’s. I even convinced my friend the women of Baltimore were the finest and straight-up. As the bus left from my friend’s destination, I watched him hug his momma; I hope to do the same.

Alter Boy Confessions

Dorothy is a woman with a small pinkie. I noticed this when she came up for communion some years ago. She mostly kept to herself but, on this particular day of eaves dropping, she was expressing her frustration to Father McKenna in confession.

“Something’s wrong with me Father, right?” she said. “Almost every women I’ve been with, turns straight.”

“The Lord does work in mysterious ways,” they both laughed nervously, as Father McKenna perceived by saying, “Don’t be discouraged. The path you follow is a road shared. Passenger, driver, are one and the same; too much reflection is a backseat.”

Das Racist

Its late afternoon, I’m skating to the Gutter to meet a cousin that wants to check out a scar I got while running from the cops for illegally skating on private property; I got away with a huge gash over my eyebrow.

To get to the Gutter I had to skate through my cousin’s neighborhood, and when I did, a man dressed in military garb, saluting a sieg heil. I couldn’t understand what he was saying but I’m sure it was derogative. I told my cousin about it, but he laughed, replying, “Mr. Jones? He’s deaf and probably waving hello!”

From Russia, With Love

“Were you just listening to Ellen Degenerate?” asked my neighbor.

“I was!” I replied, “She's a good mix of Wanda Jackson and Velvet Underground.”

That’s how it all began; my neighbor the film student, and I, the art major from Cincinnati.

For the past three semesters, we were inseparable. She even confided that she was a web cam performer; she assured me the funds were for film projects – how I envied her hustle.

Then one day, she was gone; left all her belongings — I hadn't thought about her since.

Until today, when I received a postcard without an address.

Sheila Take A Bow

“Yo, turn it up… And you can, send me dead flowers every morning,” Tiburon sang as we drove around drinking forties, “Let’s start a band!” he exclaimed.

“And call it, Juan and the Cockrings,” blurted John, in a pseudo cockney voice.

We all took turns howling out the window while I incessantly pounded on the car’s horn. It wasn’t till we reached a stop light I noticed the horn kept honking on its own.

The guys were having a good laugh, but Sheila, who’d kept to herself, in urgency, pulled the steering’s cover, disengaging the horn, and saving the night.

Bad News Whatevers

“You call that being a ball player,” Coach Barnes was fuming and annoyed that we lost another game, “In all my years… thumbs up your ass boys, thumbs up your ass!” As Coach continued to berate us, a sunflower seed flew out of his mouth landing on his chin. Everyone that noticed was trying real hard to contain themselves from exploding with laughter. It was awfully rewarding though, to see a respected member of the faculty, flailing like a walrus, scolding a bunch of teenagers. Every generation has its gripe I guess - I just want a better Wi-Fi connection.

The Booze is Mightier Than The Pen

It had been months since I written anything; and recently, took up a hobby spying on neighbors. It happened the night I drank the bottle of brown liquor - typical cliché writer shit. The next morning I woke up on my garage floor. Someone was whistling Vivaldi’s ‘Spring’ from ‘Four Seasons’; it was an uncanny looking man. He had the build of an out of shape wrestler, and beside him was an elderly women, giving him a military cut. I peered through their back door; their garage was filled to the brim with junk.

Still, there’s no story; just booze.

The Singer

"Hey Stacy, I've been coming to the Barfly for the past 6 years now, and wondered, the women singing, who's that?" asked the burly man.

"Teagan? Story is, she likes to sing the same song at every karaoke bar in town,” replied Stacy, "The dress she’s wearing is a nice touch."

The man guzzled his whiskey, and watched Teagan sing, "Time After Time," by Cyndi Lauper through the bar mirror. She was wooing the crowd, but hardly anyone paid attention. When she finished the song, she immediately left; the man followed her outside, but by then Teagan was gone – vanished.

Born Against Satan!

It was lunch time at Watterson High, and there was a group of freshmen gathered at a lunch table talking about one of their classmate’s, when Corey intervened asking why a guy looking like an eighties version of Kirk Hammett from Metallica was walking into the quad.

“Oh that’s Rock-n-Roll Jesus.” answered Tommy, “He’s a born again Christian; comes in every so often who’ll talk to freshmen. My brother said he’s a recovering meth addict.”

Corey quipped, laughing “Must explain why he’s walking our direction; probably to ask why you let Taufeeq pull out his dick at the senior girls!”

The Painter

“Do you know the story of the painter?” I noticed the gallery owner standing next to me speaking, but before I could say anything she interrupted and continued speaking. “Apparently, when the painter was 17, she had an abortion. You see, she wanted so badly to become a painter and she wanted nothing to obstruct her way. What’s heart breaking now is that her current husband left her because she was unable to conceive a child.”

Embarrassingly I replied, “Sorry, I missed that. Can you please repeat yourself? I usually turn off my hearing aide at these type of events.”

The Flying Burrito Sisters

Lucinda and Franny left for Joshua Tree for the weekend. Their plans were to stay at The Joshua Tree Inn; they were mega fans of Gram Parsons. They borrowed a Cadillac from a friend and Franny even tailored up some decent looking nudie suits for the occasion. On the way, they stopped at every rest stop, using a White Stripes cd case to snort blow.

“Remember that New Year’s we did blow off of Zeke’s picture frame of him and his father?” asked Franny.

Lucinda kept quiet for moment, lost in memories; she wondered if Zeke was alive or not.

Paging Tiffany, Paging Tiffany

When Henry Rollins made a joke about Wal-Mart shoppers, I never understood why it was funny. To me, Wal-Mart’s the best place for people watching. Besides, I work here, and there ain’t much choice for a J-O-B in this small town. Take for example, there’s this boy who comes in every Thursday to buy fishing supplies; now at first glance he’s handsome, but when he smiles, he’s got these buck teeth that protrude so far, they’re liable to cut somebody. Now the girls will say they prefer a meathead like Rollins, but for me, the beauty is in the unusual.

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