ramblings

includes nsft topics stuff to get out of my brain sideblog

[214ramblings]

i think im going go take a break from tumblr for a bit, ive been swamped dealing with ableism and inaccessibility and paperwork and advocacy stuff irl which is exhausting and causing/exacerbating all the mental health struggles (not to mention causing all the cyclical flare-ups). as a result i think i should take a break from things here to prioritize spending my limited free time on things that will replenish my energy and/or allow me to rest if nothing else bc i dont think the time i spend here accomplishes that 🫂

hope everyone will understand—ill be back, i just dont know how soon and in what capacity when i return

take care of yourselves, prioritize your mental health, safety, and well-being, and yk just do whatever you need to do for you 🩶

[assignedmale]

[decadentqueentidalwave]

Also, a study asked detransitioners why they stopped being trans. The top answers were basically, "I was treated badly." Regret was at the bottom of the list.

[this-is-trans-joy]

i gave someone else advice the other day and i haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. might help someone here so im sharing it.

"you can be trans without dysphoria. the way i see it, gender dysphoria is about being miserable in the body or gender you have. but being trans is about knowing you'd be happier as another gender or in another body."

I’ve always said that gender euphoria is such an important part of being trans, and something that gets overlooked in certain (transmed) spaces where misery has become the main identifier of whether or not someone is trans. I hate that young trans people are being told that they need to feel constantly miserable to be trans “enough” when in reality, the happiness they feel as another (or multiple or no) gender should really be what matters the most!

[hikes-and-moans]

UNPOPULAR OPINION: A lot of "mental health issues" disappear when bills are paid, rent is secure, and the fridge is full. Peace is expensive. And pretending money doesn't affect mental health is privilege.

[myceliumatter]

i wish there was more social existence you could participate in laying down. I wish there were cafes that were two little futon beds parallel to each other with a low table in between so you could eat and drink while lounging. I wish there were group activities like painting or glazing clay or theaters that were designed to have beds and bed-height tables instead of chairs. I wish there were beds alongside benches outside for anyone to use. I wish air mattresses or roll-out beds were as common as cheap shitty chairs at things like barbeques, beaches, and concerts. so much life would open up to me and be enjoyable if I could lay down instead of sitting or standing for prolonged periods and completely wearing myself down with pain.

[this-is-neuropsych-ableism]

What kinds of posts trigger moral & checking OCD (and psychosis)?

[PT: What kinds of posts trigger moral & checking OCD (and psychosis)? /End PT]

So many people write and reblog posts that have very direct triggers towards folks with moral & checking OCD. Here are posts NOT to make/reblog.

To get the terminology out of the way - moral OCD is a condition in which a person becomes obsessed about doing something "morally wrong", and develops compulsive behaviors over it. Checking OCD is a condition in which a person becomes obsessed over checking over their own (or others) actions, as to avoid a perceived disaster, and develops compulsions around it.

Do NOT make/reblog posts with phrases such as:

"Reblog/donate/share or else you are letting me/someone I know die/suffer." "Reblog or else you're [insert bad thing]"/"Reblog if you're not [insert bad thing]"

^If it is an urgent donation post that you feel deserves to be shared, at the very least, add "tw reblog bait" and "tw OCD trigger."

"Reblog/like/comment/share or else [insert creature] will find you/stalk you/come into your house/etc" "[Insert thing] is coming to your location. You cannot stop it. It will be outside your window soon"/"[Insert thing] is in your walls."

^These ones can also trigger hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia in people with schizospec disorders/psychosis! It may seem like a "haha funny meme" to you, but to people with OCD or psychosis, they could fret heavily over this, and wonder if they are going to be in danger if they don't reblog/like/comment/share.

"It is illegal to be/have [insert thing here]." (Example: "It is illegal to be nonqueer during pride month", "it is illegal to have internalized ableism during disability pride month", etc.)

^Once again, this may seem like a funny meme to you, but instead, it just tells people with moral OCD that their existence is wrong, or that their intrusive thoughts are a crime (thought crimes are not real!)

[teaboot]

Dear Teaboot, how does one cope with hating their parent(s)?

You should know that I've written and erased a number of answers before coming to this conclusion.

Anger is not an emotion unto itself. Anger is an expression of fear, of helplessness, of frustration, of grief. Where there is Anger, there is something deeper, like the roots of a vine that might strangle you. If you cannot reach the roots, you will not kill the vine.

Anger, though, serves a purpose- to inspire urgency, to act, to move in the defense of self or others, to call out injustice.

Anger is only an evil when it is acted on without discipline. When it is allowed to become a reflex motivator, when it skips higher thought and speaks directly through the teeth and the hands. This is anger without control.

This question has forced me to ask myself if there is a difference between anger and hatred.

Is hatred irrational? Anger may be as well. Is hatred directed to the innocent? Anger can be, too. Is hatred akin to cruelty? Anger, again, is not innocent of needless suffering.

So what purpose must hatred serve, in pursuit of a just world? What can hatred do that anger cannot? What does it mean to hate something?

I'm not a scholar. I haven't studied these things academically. But thinking of my own experiences, and remembering the exact circumstances and contexts and the nuance of every little piece on the board, I can tell you that there was revulsion, and there was myself, and there was forces beyond my control.

I think that Hate is when anger fears it cannot win. I think Hate is when you are faced with something that you want to believe you have possibility of overcoming while suspecting in some way that you cannot. I think that Hate is when you are afraid of the thing that enrages you.

Hate, if you ask my opinion, is a bit like being mauled by a bear, knowing that you will not survive, and going for the eyes regardless, because it doesn't get to grow old and happy if you can't either.

Good for the continued existence of your peers. Bad for everything else.

So I suppose, if you are in a position where a bear is mauling you- metaphorically- hate probably isn't your biggest obstacle right now.

But if the bear is out there somewhere, on the other side of the forest, and you are sitting in a hole somewhere in a stiff rigor of rage and spite and terror, then I think it may be best for you to tell yourself now:

The bear will kill. Killing is in the nature of the bear, and a bear is helpless to change its nature. Knowing the nature of the bear, I will stay away from it, and deter it, and stay away from its path, and I will pity it for the nature it cannot compel itself to resist, and for the wonderful things it will never experience.

I do not need to fear the bear, because I understand its nature. I do not need to hate the bear, because I needn't fear it. All I must accept is that there is a bear, and it is wise to stay away from it.

It's unfortunate that the bear must live this way. It's unfortunate that you share your forest with a bear and not something kinder. But if you cannot change it, and it cannot change itself, then all you can do is accept that it is a bear.

And knowing that: be loud, travel with friends, and carry a big stick.

[nihilisticlinguistics]

adulthood notes:

The Rodeo Rule: you only have to do it for the first time once.

The Rohan Rule: if you are at a social function full of new people and you want to be liked, find someone doing important work like setup or food prep and offer to help.

The Tutorial Mode Rule: to navigate an unfamiliar situation where you fear you will mess up an interaction, preface the interaction by mentioning that you've never done this before, and let them know if you have a specific concern or question.

The Rocket Science Rule: most new things you want to try seem very complicated but are simple when taken step by step.

The [X] Will Remember That Rule: if you need to make small talk with the same person on a regular basis, try to save one fact or current event in their life from a given conversation and bring it up next time you talk.

The Cool Binder Rule: by wearing clothes and accessories that are to your taste instead of trying to blend in, people will be more likely to compliment you and show interest in you as a person.

[jazzyloveswomen]

I cannot stress enough, in terms of "the intersex experience", I am 'lucky'.

As far as I'm aware, I was not mutilated as a baby, and when doctors started pushing for me to go on hormonal medication as a teenager to 'fix' me, my mother simply did not care enough to actually make me go on hormones.

To be clear, this has not spared me from intersexism.

Not even medical intersexism: I've still been treated like a freak who should be fixed by doctors, and I think most of the reason for my unnecessary and traumatic involuntary hospitalization for "suicidal ideation" was the doctors thinly veiled intersexism/transmisogyny, so I do have medical trauma of some sort.

Which is to say nothing about the social intersexism, and the impacts of being malgendered, misgendered, degendered, for my entire life, by my parents, by my peers, by doctors, which cannot be overstated, were extremely traumatic and put me in very real material danger several times.

Being intersex has caused me immense trauma on a number of fronts, and I am one of the "lucky" ones, that should tell people about how intersex people are systematically abused and brutalized in our society.

And yet intersexism is regularly treated like a "lesser" form of oppression, like something that can just be brushed aside because there are, apparently, not enough of us for it to matter, or, insultingly, when it comes to intersex people in trans spaces, we're seen as a cancerous tumor on the side of the trans community who only get hit with the 'collateral' damage from transphobia and otherwise just annoyingly talk over trans people.

It's actually ludicrous.

[starstruckbaby]

"transmascs love misgendering themselves" hey so are you aware that everytime we try to create inclusive terms we get made fun of? Did you not see how mad TERFs got over the terms "birthing person" or "uterus owner"? We literally can't use terms that wouldn't misgender us because when we do other queer people and people outside the community turn it into a joke.

[dualight]

Preserving @jadwigaspeaks's tags:

#also as far as i can tell most alleged instances of ''transmascs misgendering themselves'' are either#1. a transmasc being gnc / otherwise having fun with gender#2. a transmasc talking about his experiences with misogyny + how being seen *by others* as a woman affected him#or 3. transmascs going into a team/restroom/shelter that's stated to be for women because A. transphobes have specifically banned them from#the men's version or B. the men's version doesn't exist#or C. if the men's version does exist it either cannot or will not meet trans men's needs#none of those can be described in good faith as misgendering one's self#transandrophobia

[aplatonicism]

As an aplatonic person, one of the most frustrating aspects of amatonormativity for me is that there is a normalized, consent-based social script for navigating the commitment and intensity of a romantic relationship, and there is no equivalent for platonic relationships.

For romantic relationships we have:

Casual dating, where you're expected to be getting to know one another and it's understood that the relationship could end at any time.

Formal dating/"Going steady", where you've acknowledge that you have a bond that you are interested in pursuing and you want to spend significant time with one another.

Engagement, where you're actively working to enmesh your lives completely, and are expected to be interested in one another as people and supportive to one another through serious difficulties.

Marriage/partnering, where you have formally intertwined your lives and have an expectation that this will be a permanent, continuous relationship based on mutual interest and mutual caretaking.

And every time you want to "go up a level" in a romantic relationship, the expectation is that you actively ask the other person, and get their consent. There is (ideally) no confusion about what the other person expects from you in terms of commitment and intensity of your relationship.

Friendships don't have that.

Which means that instead of a consent-based checkpoint for going up "levels" of friendship, you just have to try to figure out where you stand based on vibes. And there's no way to tell if there's a mismatch of expectation until someone makes a mis-step.

And there's no socially appropriate/expected way to navigate friendship rejection either.

It's totally normal in a romantic relationship to say "I'm not interested in/ready for that kind of commitment" but when you have to handle a friendship the same way, the person being rejected is often scandalized because they had no clue you had a mismatch, and they have no socially appropriate way of expressing the grief of a friendship rejection.

I hate that romantic relationships are put on this pedastal and socially regarded as worth formalizing with consent, whereas everything about friendship has to be based on vibes and intuition.

[busket]

wait, cis tumblr user!

before you reblog that seemingly innocuous transgender positivity or discourse post, here's some important things to look out for:

1. does this post uplift one marginalized group at the expense of another? specific positivity posts are great, like "protect black trans women" or "lets support intersex folks", but be sure that the post in question doesnt put down another group. examples: "trans women get all the love, so lets have some support for trans men for once" or "trans women are so strong for what they go through, trans men could never understand the struggle and dont experience even half of what trans women are put through" 🚨🚨DONT REBLOG IT!🚨🚨 find another post that doesnt have to put down another marginalized group or pit us against each other. remember, as a cis ally, its not your place to decide who does or doesnt deserve support, or to pick sides when misguided trans folks decide to play oppression olympics.

2. listen for dogwhistles! what seems like a harmless feminist post venting about cishet men can have hateful intentions towards marginalized people. terfs will often misgender trans women when they complain about them so it looks like theyre talking about predatory men, but theyre really meaning trans women. radfems/baeddels frequently omit the "trans" aspect of trans men to hide their anti-transmasculinity. if you have doubts, go to the OPs blog and search terms like "TIM" "TIF" "TRA" "TMRA" "radfem" "terf" "radical feminism" "theyfab" etc. you can also just search trans men/transmasc/trans woman/transfem and if you see anything negative, block and move along!

3. does the post operate under the binary for no good reason? does OP seem to forget that nonbinary and/or intersex people exist? does it use agab language when it seems to only be talking about trans men/women or cis men/women? does it use gendered euphemisms instead of specific and plain language, example: talking about periods and saying "women" "afab people" "females" instead of "people who menstruate". while it seems harmless, these small language quirks really build up in the psyche of trans folks and reminds us that people often are not willing to accommodate us. if your goal as an ally is to make us feel welcome and safe, being as direct and plain with your language is a good start

4. lastly, read the notes! watch out for "us vs them" language or advocating violence. even a common, unserious sentiment like "kill all men" that carries little weight in the cis world is a lot heavier in the trans community; cis men are rarely killed but trans men are murdered at high rates. watch out for malgendering, which is someone holding a trans persons gender identity against them, like "trans men really ARE men 🙄" or calling trans women hysterical bitches. remember that no demographic of trans person is "coddled" or supported by the status quo, we all live in a world that is increasingly hostile to us. if people agreeing with the post in question have this level of vitriol against other trans people, chances are its not actually a very friendly and positive post. again, as a cis ally, its not your place to involve yourself in community infighting.

with these simple tips, you can stop accidently spreading anti trans propaganda or harmful infighting that fractures trans unity and solidarity

[cyrjovie]

I see a lot of content about building more solarpunk cities and that's beautiful, but a lot of it requires starting a new. And as nice as it would be to just start fresh sometimes, it's not practical, and it's not something a lot of people would agree with.

I want more content (and maybe I'll have to start doing more in depth research and making the content myself) on how we can take existing infrastructure and convert it to be more solarpunk. How we can take one of the lanes in a multilane road and make it into something specifically for public transportation, be it busses or, perhaps, trains. How we can take a neighborhood and make it more communal, make it more energy efficient as a whole, make it more supportive of the community within it, without building a new neighborhood instead.

How to take existing buildings and make them better for people and the environment. How to open a food co-op in a building that used to be a fast-food restaurant but has been vacant for years. How to start a community garden greenhouse project in a different building that has been vacant for as long as you can remember. How to make public parks more then just fields with a playground a few trees here and there.

I don't want to build a new city, I want to bring my city into a better future.

[what-even-is-thiss]

I think a lot of people were raised being told that things are bad with no explanation as to why they’re bad and I don’t think I know enough about psychology to make any big statements about that

but anyways I think a lot of people see cheating on your partner as bad because they were just told that sex outside of your partner is bad or something but really cheating on your partner is bad because you had an agreement based on trust with them and you broke that trust so like why should they trust you with anything else now

[what-even-is-thiss]

The thing about taboos related to sex as well is that there’s a lot of diseases that can be transmitted through sex and in a world without condoms or antibiotics or super effective birth control it kind of makes sense to discourage people from sleeping around a lot because like. Abstinence only sex education is stupid but if you choose abstinence for yourself it is in fact very effective at preventing disease and pregnancy.

And if you have sex with someone other than your partner without telling them, well, then you’ve just exposed them to whatever diseases that other person might’ve been exposed to. That’s a risk they didn’t consent to.

But see explaining this to people makes too much sense I guess. Instead a lot of people are just like “sex bad” with no elaboration as to why they might be telling you that.

[luckyladylily]

I've known a number of non binary people in my life and I think single biggest conclusion I can draw from that is that non binary people are not the same. Like if Men fit in box A and women fit in box B, people really, really want nonbinary people to fit in a theoretical box C, and it just doesn't work like that. They are outside the boxes. They defy any simple categorization because they are not a third way of being, but every other possible way of being.

Being supportive of binary people is relatively simple, they have decided to sort themselves into one of the boxes that we have lots of experience interacting with. Being supportive of nonbinary people can be comparatively tricky, because you have to resist the urge to create box C and drop them all there. That's how we end up with various prejudices like "woman lite". Humans really, really like to categorize things. It helps us think. Unfortunately, sometimes it helps us think wrong.

If you have a non binary person in your life, I think it is important to take the extra effort to learn about them specifically.

[spark-so-floss]

#frankly boxes a and b work this way too if you're not operating under systemic delusions

[luckyladylily]

Ok I understand what is being said here, but I disagree. Binary gender can be just as personalized and unique as non binary gender, but there is a world of practical difference between someone who is binary enough that they can give you man or woman as a starting point that society at large understands and has a place for, and someone who has to start from scratch with nearly everyone they ever meet.

When I say I am a trans woman, I am declaring that I fit inside the societal space for "women" well enough for that to be a solid basis for others to understand and interact with my gender. Even though there is a great deal of nuance within "woman", I generally feel I am in many ways skirting the edge of that category, and society is often hostile to me based on my declared gender, the fact I am able to align myself this closely with a binary gender gives me a great deal of advantages that non binary people do not have.

There is a temptation as trans binary people to say that because our gender is just as nuanced and personal as a nonbinary person (which is true) and our declared gender is often rejected (also true), the fact we align with the major accepted categories does not give us major advantages - which simply isn't the case. Being binary comes with a good deal of privilege that is almost invisible to us, but non binary people have to deal with lacking that privilege.

It is that gap in privilege I am talking about specifically. It is that gap in privilege that makes it necessary for us to put extra effort into understanding non binary people. So no, binary genders do not work the same way.

And look, if you find that using a binary starting point is more of a hindrance to people understanding you than a help, it might be worth considering if you are non binary.

[ukohalmac]

an issue I’ve discovered a lot in the chronic illness & disability community is an intense tension between those with visible & invisible disability.

myself, I am visibly disabled — I have visible deformities due to type-unspecified Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a significantly altered unstable gait, and largely use an electric wheelchair to get around.

I entered a discussion recently about medical gaslighting and trauma, and suddenly it was as if some people believed that there was no feasible way that I could have experienced severe gaslighting or negligence because I am visible — that there was no way I had ever been denied healthcare, or access, or any treatment I needed.

I don’t want to complain about how horribly underfunded my local healthcare system, or how doctors are not trained to look beyond acute care, or harp on about bias against minorities in healthcare (for now, I have many many thoughts on this…). My response is largely this:

I was in your shoes once. I was once invisible. Why do you think it is me against you?

[anarchistmemedistro]