so this crush we are having… it’s like nothing i remember feeling? We are both building mix tapes for each other, drawing for each other, he wrote me poetry, we flirt through selfies and instagram knowing it will drive each other mad, we are almost wrecking each other by talking all night… and as we both live on other sides of the planet I have hardly slept in weeks. Video calling, writing love notes for each other, being very feely, torturing each other sexually over long distance like… This is a proper crush thing, i think it is also healthy. I think we really like him, like multiple parts like him, which makes me feel defensive and scared. He is a wonderfully, tender and sly human and we adore him. And i had to put it somewhere. When i talk to him i feel like the man i know i am, he sees me and my other parts, but never pushes for them like people used to. He makes us feel like a king.
I know it is stupid, he lives in Oregon, he is way too far away, this is gonna ruin us as the distance generates further longing but I just need to say, to the strangers on the internet… I am scared i may love him, and i shouldn’t, because it is a love that cannot realistically go anywhere, he is poly and whilst that is okay at times i am a jealous person and i would hate to restrain him. I dont want to be “that guy” who stops the other being who they are and i am still… not quite well enough to love and trust my feelings come from a healthy place. But we do. Fucking hell we do. As we write we are listening to the mixtape he made for my parts and I, and it is powerful hearing it. Listening to it with my other selves and hearing bits of us in each track but through the eyes of another on the other side of the dam universe. I have never made mixtapes for anyone, never spent so dam long drawing for someone, never had the more protective and feral Parts engaged before, never tried poetry before, never to my memory felt like this except with demons. And so i am terrified. But if we could, and we weren’t so skint and swamped in toddlers and responsibilities, i would be on that plane with a shit suitcase and a sketchbook to just… live on his floor surrounded by all his many kittens.
It has been years since i had genuine affection directed at me that we mostly trust, that it makes us freeze and feel threatened, like we will just break down and a whole world of pain i try to hold back will come crashing around our feet, and they will be stuck with an emotional mess.
Totally irrelevant to anything but just had to get it out of my system and stop going on about it to my BFF who is probably sick of it by now
@thedreadvampy proof there was a poem dude A FUCKING POEM, DUDE WROTE ME A POEM MY BRAIN BROKE and yes i am sharing because this kinda goodness is EXCEPTIONALLY rare for me.
can’t wait for your Big Gay Wedding in the future when everything is good and you’ve somehow got to Portland
Dude, we wrote our first poem *hides under a stone* he really liked it and now Jasper has written his own poem and it is absolutely filthy Ruth, filthy. He has managed to fit cunt, fuck, fucking hell, oh fuck, oh shit, shit!, no fucking way, into a romantic poem? how has this guy reached those bloody parts? WE HAVE NOW WRITTEN 2 FUCKING POEMS?! Reached that point though that i am convinced if i send anymore i will freak him out..
Bro you gotta chill and trust him to set his own boundaries. He’ll tell you if you’re edging towards freaking him out.
*deep breath*
HE SENT ME MANY VIDEOS AND HE TOLD ME HE REALLY LIKES ME... It was so sweet, i was an emotional wreck dude. I didnt scare him away at all, he loves my overtalking... NOONE LOVES MY OVER TALKING.
I think i called him a heart ferret
i dont know what is going on
also sorry for my intensity, all the caps and how embarrassingly awful we are sounding. This is very strange, and i am mostly shocked more than anything else
