e l l w h y

Things I like, think or write

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Charli xcx - talk talk but its an ellwhy remix

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audio draft

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audio sketch

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stuck

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Here’s a song I wrote that was inspired from my re-reading of the #heartstopper graphic novel all over again. I know it doesn’t fit the heartstopper mixtape vibe, but this song aligns with the feelings I get when reading this beautiful story, 

Thank you again @aliceoseman for creating and sharing heartstopper. You’ve left a positive impact in so many lives with this story, and us fans can’t thank you enough for it.

[3llwhy]

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"I like to think we would find each other in any universe" Made a score for heartstopper if it existed in the Hayao Miyazaki/Studio Ghibli AU. I’d like to think a waltz would perfectly encapsulate the feelings Nick and Charlie have for one another when first getting to know eachother. EDIT: I did not know Heartstopper on Tapas had this mini comic!!!! I think this waltz fits so well for this!!!

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I just want to feel like I’m not incompetent. That’s literally all I want

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exhaustion

I always thought being a good person meant putting up with a lot of people’s shit. But is doing all that really being a good person to yourself?  I took a step back and did some reflection on the current and previous relationships I had with people, either platonic or romantic, and I realized I let a lot of shit slide for the sake of “being a good person.”  I used to be afraid of losing friendships and put so much importance into what other people think of me. I’m not sure why, but the thought of someone not liking me always scared me. No matter how one sided friendships got, I made sure to always “be a good person” and stick it up...cause some people are worth it, right? 

Fucking WRONG!!! 

If you find that friendships are mentally exhausting and completely one sided, I beg you to completely fucking ditch that shit. You will be so much happier. Sure, you may look back at all the old memories through rose colored glasses, but please realize that it’s a very romanticized version of that history. This goes both ways, too. Some people have figured that I am not really what they consider a good friend to them and that is completely fine. We can’t all like everyone but we can at least respect the space we want to put between one another. But please do not fool yourself into thinking that you must put up with a constant barrage of bullshit. You have one life and it is not worth it. This year I started removing myself from relationships that we’re extremely one sided and headache inducing and oh my fucking GOD it’s been so great. Who would have thought that cutting out bullshit ass negativity and not letting others suck the energy out of you would make you feel better?! What a concept. I’ve been feeling a lot happier these days, maybe even the best I’ve ever felt. I finally have time to love myself and love the people I truly want to keep in my life. I’ve also been reaching out to those that I haven’t talked to in a while because I want to keep those friendships strong. It’s a good feeling to respect ones self. You want to be a good person? Then make sure you’re at least a good person to yourself.

[3llwhy]

Two songs that I made, 10 years apart. It’s crazy hearing the difference, even if both tracks are roughly the same in genre. Not bad for someone who has been extremely on and off with making music in general. Music production has always been a hobby for me, and it’s always been for me. I understand that you can’t please everyone. That’s an impossible game to win (especially for music) but as long as I was having fun doing it and enjoying what I was making, that’s all that really mattered.  You only really hear the success stories for artists that start small and make it big, but rarely hear the all too common stories of those that don’t make it. I always wondered how different life would be if I decided to pursue music full time, but I’m sure the grass is always greener.  Besides, I really like where I am in life right now. <3 🎶 i like i like i like i like i like everything about you 🎶

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i think this is the best song I’ve ever heard

[deep-dark-fears]

CONTACT YOUR ELECTED OFFICIALS

CONTACT YOUR ELECTED OFFICIALS 

CONTACT YOUR ELECTED OFFICIALS 

CONTACT YOUR ELECTED OFFICIALS

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(This is another heartstopper post, just fyi) I love this series, and I wanted to contribute something to it. Love all the fanart for it, but I can’t draw for shit.

Volume one was a ride: seeing both our favorite boys wrestle through their own emotions. I wanted to try and convey those feelings into sound.   What stuck with me when reading this graphic novel was that there was no real indication of what type of music Nick and Charlie preferred. The most we’re given is that Charlie plays the drums. So I tried my shot at doing something about it. With the help of Charli XCX’s vocals (<3), I wrote a song that I felt encapsulated the personal confusion that Nick and Charlie experienced in their first episodes together: Love, friendship, acceptance, mixed signals, truth, communication. Just some of the many emotions that I feel they experienced from their first encounters. These emotions...wrapped in love, but covered with the facade of self doubt: it’s their enemy. 

Anyways, I hope you enjoy this song as much as I did making it. <3

They say, "Keep your friends close" But you're closer, I love when you're here I'm so far away sometimes, I'm distant, yeah You might help me, intimacy I'll admit, I'm scared Maybe, maybe you can reach me, yeah

Maybe you're my enemy Now I've finally let you come a little close to me, oh Maybe you're my enemy You're the only one who knows the way I'm really feelin' Now it's really clear to me You could do a little damage, you could cut me deeper Maybe you're my enemy Baby, you're my enemy, yeah

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Pano during a run.

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Oh yeah, by the way: #BLACKLIVESMATTER https://minnesotafreedomfund.org/donate

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A photo I took during my socially distanced evening run.

Since being in quarantine, all I’ve been doing is playing Animal Crossing and ordering delivery. A complete 180 from pre-quarantine days, where I would alternate spending the weekends with my boyfriend and spending the weekdays at my parents place, with gymming sprinkled in throughout the week. I decided to try at home workouts and get back into running.  It’s rough. I can barely get a mile in before wanting to expire from this earth, compared to when I was in my prime (4-5 years ago?) and was able to run 7+ miles nonstop. I remember being in high school and being tested on mile times and absolutely being DEFEATED after running a 9+ minute mile. How the hell could my other classmates run 7 minute miles?!? How?!?! It wasn’t till I realized way later in life that running every other day consistently helped. I just always assumed my classmates back then were naturally fit, and not, you know, actually putting in time and dedication into exercising/cardio. A really early lesson I learned a lot later in life is that consistent practice granted improvement.  It’s so damn simple. I don’t get how it never occurred to me. I started running as a means to stay healthier back in college. It was nice seeing my mile time actually decrease to an 8 minute average, something I never imagined before. Who knew that your lungs stop being on fire after consistently doing cardio? Literally every one else in the world, probably. Anyways, my first run after almost a 4 year hiatus of cardio ended in a 11:30 minute mile. Time to improve, I guess.

[3llwhy]

Originally, I had planned to just tweet some quick blurb on this, but this feels a lot more personal, so I’m back here. I recently came across a young adult graphic novel called Heartstopper by Alice Oseman. The story is a coming of age story that follows two boys that meet in school and discover feelings for one another. It covers topics such as sexuality and the spectrum of it all, friendships, and the ups and downs of teenage woes and growing up with all of this.

Absolutely cute. What I loved about this story is that the boys are so mature for their age. Accepting, communicative, and just overall good people. It’s an amazing take on the coming of age story, and it just got me hooked, an I couldn’t stop reading it. and then the fucking gut punch came

Oof

In this scene, the kids are on a field trip and these are the teachers/chaperones accompanying them. It’s not hinted that either one of them are even gay up until this point.  At this point, I had to stop reading for a bit. This graphic novel just represented me. That was fucking me.  All this time reading the story, I could somewhat relate to the main characters, but never really 100%. But right at this moment...this got me. It got me so damn good. I began thinking of all the romantic experiences I had back in high school, and they were just absolute shit. A lot of faking, a lot of hiding around, and just generally not being open. Back then, being out was social suicide. Widely not accepted, and generally looked down upon. But that’s teenagers, I guess. I mean, I can even admit I was a bit of a little shit back then as well. It made me realize something: If I had been out back then, would I have had “beautiful gay teenage experiences” ? Looking back, I did not like highschool one bit. In fact, I really don’t keep in contact with anyone from high school (except for one who is actually one of my closest friends). Maybe I would have met different people? Maybe I would have been bullied? I don’t know. All I believed was that coming out meant people will think of you less, so don’t even try it. Repress that urge to be 100% with someone until you die. What a horrible way to live. 0/10 do not recommend. It was a reminder that even if Heartstopper is an amazing read, it’s also a work of fiction that romanticizes teenage youth. No way in HELL would that kind of acceptance been relevant when I was growing up. So why did I feel some sort of connection with the main character’s relationships?  Then it all made sense: I’m currently both giving and receiving that kind of love, support, communication and understanding with my friends and my boyfriend. Reading Heartstopper made me realize the good traits that the characters showed were already apparent in my life...and seeing it in Heartstopper...it made me appreciate it a lot more. If I had read Heartstopper a handful of years ago, back when I was still in the closet, I think it would have completely broke me. I’d long and yearn for that kind of acceptance, and run a million “what if’s” in my mind every night before bed because I never would have thought something so good like that could ever happen to me. I’d continually beat myself down and convince myself that I don’t deserve it.

A commission I bought as a gift for my boyfriend. Includes our love for Pho and our dogs.

But now I am experiencing amazing love, both platonic and romantic. It’s beautiful, almost unreal. Finding those to share love with. Being in the company of those that enjoy me for me.

I’m currently living my Heartstopper gay teenage romance in my 30s, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. So whoever made it this far: Thank you for reading probably the most intimate thing I’ve ever shared with anyone (or no one...seeing as how all my friends have moved from tumblr many years ago.) I hope these words find you well, and give you some hope. And thank you Alice, for making such a beautiful story.  -Ritchie P.S.: Ordered the Heartstopper books and it just came in a ridiculously oversized box. lol.

[3llwhy]

Trying to be a good person really fucking sucks