500 Days of Dysfunction

In what ways does Tom from 500 Days of Summer (2009) demonstrate how idealizing romantic partners causes false realities and dysfunction in relationships.

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500 Days of Idealizing

Idealizing people, specifically in relationships, exaggerates reality. In 500 Days of Summer, Tom struggles with idealizing Summer from the moment he met her. The issue is, she doesn’t believe in marriage and relationships, however, he still pursues a relationship with her. As an audience, we see through Tom’s perspective, which may seem harmless, but we see the true mental pain and ignorance that comes with idealization. Whether it be his expectations vs realities, the unconscious pedestal he puts Summer on, or the complete disregard for her boundaries, all he sees is perfection with no flaws. He lets her completely control his mental state which ultimately dictates their current relationship state, this can lead to manipulation and mental disorder for both people.  

The movie 500 Days of Summer illustrates how idealizing romantic partnerships can cause a distorted version of reality and toxic dysfunction in relationships. The film exposes the true harm behind idealization on relationships through Tom’s limerence for Summer causing false perceptions of her, Summer’s personal boundary of not wanting a relationship being unconsciously broken by his lust and the pressure he puts on Summer to be ready for a label so she meets his personal expectations.  

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500 Days of Limerence

Toms limerent view of Summer causes false realities of their true relationship and that is what ultimately leads to their demise. Since meeting her, Tom has seen Summer as an object, or a limerent object. Meaning, he desires her to desire him. Which, in this movie, is false. She, since the beginning, has always told him she doesn’t want a relationship with him but also continues to act like they are in a relationship. Though those boundaries are stated early on, he still ignores them because of the limerence he feels for her. His mental state is controlled by the actions of Summer, and he overthinks every moment they have together. It was one sided for most of their relationship and he couldn’t recognize that until the very end, when Summer finally meets someone that she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Even when Tom’s younger sister Rachel tells him, “I know you think she was the one, but I don’t. You remember the good stuff. Next time you look back, you should look again,” he still couldn’t grasp the idea that Summer never saw a life with him.  

A main part of the movie is that it is told nonlinearly meaning, the 500 days are shown out of order, jumping back and forth through time. Because of this, we can see Tom go through complete agony because of the control he lets Summer have over him, “This ecstatic and obsessed state is the core of limerence. It may end with feelings of sadness, agony, or indifference, but the state is one of acute intensity that outranks all other concerns in an individual’s life.” (Psychology Today). We constantly see scenes of Tom in distress because of Summer, moving from a day where he sees her as the perfect person and the next moment it's a few months later and he absolutely hates her. Like day 321 we see Tom going into his boss’s office because since Summer left, he has been in complete misery and seems like he has no reason to live. Then immediately after we see day 167, where he is completely locked into his job because his relationship with Summer seems to be going well. We continue to see contrasting scenes throughout the movie exactly like this, to emphasize the fact that Tom’s work and life performance relies on Summer. 

When Tom runs into Summer on the train and he gets invited to a party she is throwing, he expects her to drop everything for him so they can be together again. In reality, they are friends, and Tom can’t wrap his mind around the fact they could ever just be friends. Growing up, Summer never believed in love and never knew she could find someone that would change her mind, and Tom certainly was not the one. Summer was never in a limerent state for him, and she even expressed this to him, yet he never understood. “In love, the other person is an important part of an individual’s life. In limerence, the other person’s value is often way out of proportion to the person’s actual importance in the individual’s life,” (Psychology Today). The movie showcases scenes only through his perspective and as the days get closer to day 500, we slowly see Summers' true feelings. He also revisits past days shown earlier on in the movie where we can now see that Summer isn’t really happy being with Tom. It was all in his mind. It was all because of his limerent state. This state causes false perceptions of reality, believing in what you want to believe compared to what is true.  

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500 Days of Lust

When Summer and Tom first start getting to know each other, she tells him she doesn’t want a relationship with him, but he subconsciously breaks those boundaries because of his lustful feelings. As soon as he sees Summer, he falls hard for her. He imagines a life with her, and he sees them growing old together. What he doesn’t realize is that what he is feeling is lust, not love. He never once acknowledges her side of the story, doesn’t stop to think how she might feel or if she is comfortable. Along with limerence, lust can cause complete chaos in your thoughts and, “lust is strictly based on sexual attraction, whereas love is based on emotional desire,” (Mandriota). A relationship created by lust rarely turns into anything emotional unless communicated, but they never communicated correctly. When rewatching the movie, I can’t recall a specific moment where Tom actually tried to get to know Summer but over time, she starts to feel more comfortable with him, in a friend way, and he realizes her walls are starting to come down. But again, there were few, maybe even no times where Tom was genuinely shown being vulnerable to her, besides being open about wanting her and how he feels. This is an important detail and something to keep in mind when watching the movie because it shows his own lustful intentions for their relationship. On day 34 they go to Ikea together, they play house and it foreshadows the kind of life they would live together. Something fake, unreal and unauthentic, but Tom sees it more as a fantasy. As an audience member you must force yourself out of his perspective while watching that scene to see how much of a false reality Tom is in. Summer seems happy but again, they aren’t dating, he just hasn’t fully come to terms with that. In contrast, day 282, they are back in Ikea. He tries to play house with her again, but she is completely sick of their relationship. He still sees that life with her and is almost forcing her to be there for him, but she is far from happy.  

Day 118, he finally asks her, “What are we?” She responds, “Who cares! I’m happy, are you?”. He is not in fact happy, but he lies and says, “Yes.” He isn’t being honest with her with what he wants because he knows it will ruin whatever they have. On Day 259 they are at a bar together and a random guy hits on Summer. Tom punches him in the face because that is something a boyfriend would do, and he thought she would be glad he did that, he saved her and he is the hero. In reality, she is absolutely upset. “I don’t need your help. We’re just friends,” are words that hit Tom harder than that guy hit him. She has stated over and over again that she cannot give him consistency and security but that is overlooked by all of his lust and clouded sense of reality. If he truly wanted her, he would listen to her and not rush into something she isn’t ready for. Since he didn’t make her believe in love, she was missing security in their relationship. And he continuously and tirelessly overlooks that. A real relationship shouldn’t be something that feels fake, it should feel real and begin with emotional security. Lust and idealization cause only physical attraction, and when partners refuse to be open and honest, the relationship will ultimately fail.  

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500 Days of Pressure and Perfectionism

The pressure he puts on Summer to meet his personal expectations of a “perfect” relationship is their breaking point. He puts her on a pedestal and expects everything in his mind to come true. However, he is still waiting for her to do everything he wants and more. I believe the true antagonist of the movie is Tom, he is the reason why their relationship never becomes and why Summer could never feel secure. He wants their relationship to be perfection in turn, he self-sabotages. Some traits of perfectionism in relationships include, “All-or-nothing thinking, being highly critical, feeling pushed by fear, having unrealistic standards, focusing only on results, feeling depressed by unmet goals, fear of failure, procrastination, defensiveness and low self-esteem,” (Neighbors Consejo). Tom is only focused the results of their relationship, being potentially marriage, and he has complete unrealistic standards for her and eventually feels extremely depressed by his unmet internal goals.  

On day 408 he goes to Summer’s rooftop party expecting to get back together when it was all in his head and she had already moved on and engaged. The narrator quotes, “He believed that this time, his expectations would align with reality,” proceeded by  a side by side expectation vs reality sequence where he though they would kiss, they would talk the entire night, they would watch the sunset together looking out over a balcony and where they would end the night together. In reality, they awkwardly hug, he talks to random people the entire time, he watches her from a distance the entire time, and he gets severely drunk and leaves when he finds out she’s engaged. After this moment, he falls into a complete depressive state because she doesn’t live up to his expectations of his perfect reality of her. He is unable to perform at work, he starts projecting his feelings onto his friends and coworkers and eventually quits. Summer thought Tom had moved on and when she found out he hadn’t, she was also upset. She didn’t understand why they couldn’t just be friends. The pressure he puts on her to meet his perfectionist expectations is a downfall of their overall relationship.  

When putting the pressure and setting those perfectionist expectations, that sets high standards on a partner that will inevitably never be met. And when a relationship is specifically one sided, both will be disappointed by the other. One person wants a friendship and the other still believes they could get married and start a life together, but neither get what they want in the end. It’s like when you become friends with someone and they start to develop feelings for you, you realize the relationship can never be the same. This is basically what ends up happening in 500 Days of Summer and the exact thoughts that go through Tom’s head for the entire 500 days.  

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500 Days of Endings

500 Days of Summer provides the perfect example of how idealizing relationships can cause dysfunction and a distorted version of reality. The film showcases this by putting the audience in Tom’s perspective to see his limerent view of Summer which causes false perceptions of reality, him unconsciously breaking her personal boundaries of not wanting a real relationship because of the lust he feels for her and all of the pressure he puts on her to meet his unrealistic perfectionist expectations. These all work together because limerence, lust and perfectionist traits all stem from the idea of idealizing partners. 

I genuinely believe this movie sets the perfect example of what not to do in a relationship, but it is hard to see that when first watching it because the audience is stuck in Tom’s perspective the entire time. Everyone is forced to believe Summer is in the wrong, but Tom is in fact, the antagonist of the movie. Summer has her own personal issues that are never addressed because Tom is too stuck in his brain to realize this. He thinks she is the problem but in reality, he doesn’t want to admit it is him. 

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Works Cited

Consejo, Neighbors. “The Perils of Perfection: Understanding the Impact of Idealization on Relationships.” Neighbors’ Consejo, 13 August 2025, https://neighborsc.org/the-perils-of-perfection-understanding-the-impact-of-idealization-on-relationships/. Accessed 9 Feb 2026.   

“Limerence,” Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence. Accessed 9 Feb 2026.  

Mandriota, Morgan. “Lust vs. Love: How to spot the signs.” Verywellmind, 29 September 2025, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-lust-5189688. Accessed 9 Feb 2026.