This one is for you, Christina and Rachel.
When I try to think of the right words to describe Christina, I become speechless, because there really are no words to do her justice. She was always so enthusiastic and energetic about life, and music. You could be having the worst day ever, and when you see her, everything is okay. She had that power. She was that person. The one that made everything better, even if just for a short time. She was so spunky. Full of energy. Loveable. And made sure that she knew that she loved each and every one of us with all her heart.
There’s one situation that happened with her that I keep replaying over and over again in my head. It was at the very end of the Boston show in March during the Wildfire tour with Rachel Platten. It was her 22nd birthday. Me and squad were helping clean up and pack up merch. We saw Christina still hanging out at her merch table, so we went over to go say hello again. She was with a fan when we went over, so we stood off to the side and waited patiently. The fan was trying to take a selfie with Christina, but for whatever reason, her phone wasn’t cooperating. As she was fumbling with it trying to get it to work, Christina stopped her and said “Hang on, I’ll be back, I have to go see my friends”. We were in no rush, so we signaled ‘it’s okay, take your time’. But. She came to us. We were her friends. She opened her arms and gave us all a hug and we talked for a while. I felt like I got to know her so well. I felt like I was talking to a friend I’ve known for years. She had that power. To make everybody feel so loved. And that is a gift in and of itself. Before we knew it, her brother, Mark was pulling her away saying it was time to go. We hugged goodbye again, and we told her we would see her on her next tour.
The months following the end of the Wildfire Tour, I really started keeping up with Christina on twitter, and I continued to feel like a long time friend of hers. I was checking her website just about every day to see if she had any shows planned near me.
Little did I know that the Boston show in March, was the last time I would see her. And the thoughts tears my heart into shreds.
The night of the shooting. I had just gotten home from work about a half hour before the news broke about it. I had just climbed into bed after a long day. As more tweets and updates started filling up my feed, I became a little bit scared, but I wasn’t overwhelmed, because 1. nothing had been confirmed and 2. I knew she would be okay. As reports started getting confirmed that she had been shot, then I started getting scared. Then the tears started filling up my eyes and it became hard to see through them. I was refreshing my Twitter feed every five seconds to stay up to date. I was so scared but I was sending every single ounce of strength, positive energy and all of my prayers to her. I knew she would pull through.
I thought there was no way I was going to sleep that night until I got news that she was okay. Somewhere along the line, I fell asleep.
The next morning, after realizing I had slept, I immediately checked my phone, and I had so many texts. The first one I opened was from one of my best friends that just had a broken heart and a crying emoji. The only words I could form were “No.” to which she responded immediately, “Em :( She didn’t make it. I’m so sorry”.
I opened up Twitter, and saw all of the new updates, and the news. The worst happened. Almost every single Tweet on my feed included #RIPChristina . And in that moment, my heart shattered. I was done. I couldn’t breathe. It was like somebody punched me so hard in the stomach and took the breath out of me. I’m not even sure my brain processed all of the words before the tears started running down my face and drenching my pillow.
Days after, I still struggle to find the words. Unfair. That doesn’t even do this justice. This beautiful angel was 22 years old. She was going to be huge. I knew it. I was never too big into the opening acts of bands, but the very first night I saw her in Philly, there was something about her that I was drawn to. She was the most beautiful person, inside and out. She loved with all her heart. Though her time with us was so short, she left a forever mark on all of us. She impacted the lives of SO many people in her short 22 years with us all.
Back in March when I thought my life was over, Rachel and Christina are what got me through. Rachel and Christina were the only two musicians I allowed myself to listen to. They got me through when I wanted to end my own life. They gave me strength on days that I felt like I had none, and they continue to do so. That is something that no words can describe. That is something that I will never be able to repay. How does one thank someone for saving their life? You really can’t.
Over the course of the past couple of days, and as the initial shock dissipates, it’s been hitting me so incredibly hard. Everywhere I turn, something reminds me of Christina. Even when I try not to think about it, the thoughts always seem to make their way in. Not that I want to forget. I will always remember her. How could anybody forget?
Once I heard that the worst had happened, I knew I had to do something to honor her life. And always remember her.
(It’s flipped because of my lame camera, but nonetheless)
I decided to get Christina’s album art of Side A tattoo’d on my shoulder. Christina will always be by my side now. Her music has impacted my life like no other and this is my way of honoring her.
Rachel. My dear friend. You know where you stand with me, so I won’t babble on again about all that. You know you mean the world to me. You have done so much for me this past year and continue to do so much, and I love you more than I can put into words.
You have been our rock for the past year and a half. You have been there for us. You have taught us that it is okay to not be okay sometimes. It really is. You don’t have to be Superman. Let us carry you. Put your empty hands in mine. Give yourself time to grieve and don’t you dare feel bad about it. You lost such a dear friend, and I’m overwhelmed with the pain of losing Christina, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are dealing with.
Most importantly, know that it is okay. All of it. It is okay to let your guards down. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be weak. It is okay to not be okay. It is more than okay to take time to yourself. Be selfish. You deserve it more than anybody.
You’ve carried us all for so long, now it’s time for you to take care of you. Lean on Craig, Rebecca, Chris, Clarissa, Britt, Kevin, your family, your friends. Everybody. We stick together. Always. Forever.
I promise.
I love you so so much, Rachel. You’re gonna get through. I promise.
Love, Em.
