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Division of labor in the home is one of the most important equity issues of our time. Yet at this rate it will be another 75 years before men do half the work.
The optimistic tale of the modern, involved dad has been greatly exaggerated. The amount of child care men performed rose throughout the 1980s and ā90s, but then began to level off without ever reaching parity. Mothers still shoulder 65 percent of child-care work. In academic journals, family researchers caution that the āculture of fatherhoodā has changed more than fathersā actual behavior.
Sociologists attribute the discrepancy between mothersā expectations and reality to āa largely successful male resistance.ā This resistance is not being led by socially conservative men, whose like-minded wives often explicitly agree to take the lead in the home. It is happening, instead, with relatively progressive couples, and it takes many women ā who thought their partners had made a prenatal commitment to equal parenting ā by surprise. Why are their partners failing to pitch in more?
The answer lies, in part, in the different ways that men and women typically experience unfairness. Inequality makes everyone feel bad. Studies have found that people who feel theyāre getting away with something experience fear and self-reproach, while people who feel exploited are angry and resentful. And yet men are more comfortable than women with the first scenario and less tolerant than women of finding themselves with the short end of the stick. Parity is hard, and this discrepancy lays the groundwork for male resistance.
Though many men are in denial about it, their resistance communicates a feeling of entitlement to womenās labor. Men resist because it is in their āinterest to do so,ā write Scott Coltrane and Michele Adams, leaders in the field of family studies, in their book, āGender and Families.ā By passively refusing to take an equal role, men are reinforcing āa separation of spheres that underpins masculine ideals and perpetuates a gender order privileging men over women.ā
While interviewing working parents for a book on parenthood, I spoke with one dad in Vermont who said: āThe expectation among my male friends is still that they will have the life they had before having kids. My dad has never cooked a meal. Iāve strayed from that. But subconsciously, the thing that makes you motivationally step up and do something when youāre not being asked ā¦ā he trailed off, and then said: āI have justifications. Itās a cop-out.ā
Take love out of the equation and focus on the workplace, and itās clear how this plays out. Studies show that male employees sit back while their female co-workers perform the tasks that donāt lead to promotion. In a series of lab studies, the economists Lise Vesterlund, Linda Babcock and Maria Recalde and the organizational behaviorist Laurie Weingart found that in coed groups, women are 50 percent more likely than men to volunteer to take on work that no one else wants to do. But in all-male groups, the men volunteer just as readily.
In an interview with NPR, Dr. Vesterlund explained that the women do the work ābecause theyāre expected to.ā The men ācome into the room, they see the women, they know how we play these games.ā
We play the same games at home. I interviewed couples separately and found that the women were often angry, while many men didnāt seem to realize there was a problem.
The couples offered three explanations for this labor imbalance. The first was that women take over activities like bedtime, homework and laundry because men perform these tasks inadequately. But this isnāt āmaternal gatekeeping,ā the theory that men want to help but women disparage their capabilities and push them out. Instead these seem to be situations that necessitate the intervention of a reasonable adult.
A mother in California said: āItās important to me that my sons are not falling asleep in class and that theyāre not late for school. My husband does not share those priorities, so I do bedtime and school drop-off.ā
The dad in Vermont explained: āI do laundry when I need it. When it comes to the kidsā laundry, I could be more proactive, but instead I operate on my time scale. So my wife does most of their laundry. Let me do it my way and Iām happy to do it, but if youāre going to tell me how to do it, go ahead and do it yourself.ā
The second explanation involved forgetting or obliviousness. A mother in Illinois said: āMy husband is a participatory and willing partner. Heās not traditional in terms of āI donāt change diapers.ā But his attention is limited.ā She added, āI canāt trust him to do anything, to actually remember.ā
A dad in San Francisco said that many of the tasks of parenting werenāt important enough to remember: āI just donāt think these things are worth attending to. A certain percentage of parental involvement that my wife does, I would see as valuable but unnecessary. A lot of disparity in our participation is that.ā
Finally, some men blamed their wivesā personalities. A San Diego dad said his wife did more because she was so uptight. āShe wakes up on a Saturday morning and has a list. I donāt keep lists. I think thereās a belief that if sheās not going to do it, then it wonāt get done.ā (His wife agreed that this was true, but emphasized that her belief was based on experience: āWe fell into this easy pattern where he learned to be oblivious and I learned to resent him.ā)
A father in Portland, Ore., confirmed that his wife takes on more but said: āIt has to do with her personality. She always has to stay busy. No matter what day of the week it is, she has a need to be engaged, to be doing something.ā
Many mothers told me they had tried to change this and had aired their grievances with their partners, only to watch as nothing changed. A mother in Queens said she spent three years trying to get her husband to do more before coming to terms with the fact that maybe it was never going to happen. āHe notices the unfairness, but he just accepts it as something we have a disagreement about,ā she said. āHow much convincing of the other person can you do?ā
All this comes at a cost to womenās well-being, as mothers forgo leisure time, professional ambitions and sleep. Wives who view their household responsibilities āas unjust are more likely to suffer from depression than those who do not,ā one study says. When their children are young, employed women (but not men) take a hit to their health as well as to their earnings ā and the latter never recovers. Child-care imbalances also tank relationship happiness, especially in the early years of parenthood.
Division of labor in the home is one of the most important gender-equity issues of our time. Yet at the current rate of change, MenCare, a group that promotes equal involvement in caregiving, estimates that it will be about 75 more years before men worldwide assume half of the unpaid work that domesticity requires.
If anything is going to change, men have to stop resisting. Gendered parenting is kept alive by the unacknowledged power bestowed upon men in a world that values their needs, comforts and desires more than womenās. Itās up to fathers to cop to this, rather than to cop out.
People on Tumblr love sharing information about themselves no matter how asinine it is. And I'm the same way. Everybody tell me what the last thing you drank was.
@reginaldkoettlitz and anyone else interested in reading Ursula K. Le Guin's essay "Heroes" about Scott and Shackleton, here's the full PDF!
[W]hat I admire in Shackleton, at that moment on the Barrier, is that he turned back. He gave up; he admitted defeat; and he saved his men. Unfortunately he also saved his pride by posturing a bit, playing hero. He couldn't admit that his weakness was his strength; he did the right thing, but said the wrong one. So I go on loving Shackleton, but with the slightest shade of contempt for his having boasted.
But Scott, who did nearly everything wrong, why have I no such contempt for Scott? Why does he remain worthy in my mind of that awful beauty and freedom, my Antarctica? Evidently because he admitted his failure completelyāliving it through to its end, death. It is as if Scott realized that his life was a story he had to tell, and he had to get the ending right.
Went into the notes app on my old phone and was reminded of the time I saw the world cup playing on mute on a restaurant tv while the players were singing what I assume was their national anthem and I got obsessed with the idea of football teams having to sing a "football song" about how much they love the sport before each game
Someday i'm gonna make a post about how to write dialogue that's actually good and on that day it will be over for you bitches (and by 'it' i mean your struggles with dialogue. because you will know how to write it actually good)
oh my god I just saw the cutest thing in the world. little Black girl with beads in her hair for the first day of school and the beads were pink then silver then a bunch of yellow then beige then grey to make them look like pencils š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ brb I will draw an artistās rendition
feminist killjoy hours again, what the actual fuck is āweird girl literatureā and how often do we acquiesce to the latest degrading gendered advertising campaigns
what iāve learned in my life is if someone is treating you poorly and youre asking yourself āwhat magic words can I use to make this person treat me with basic respect,ā those words donāt exist and they never will.
In a sense, it doesnāt matter how ridiculous it sounds to think Pepsi would genuinely honour that. Pepsi said that they would, therefore they have to, or else theyāre guilty of false advertising. Companies canāt be allowed to say whatever they want in adverts, and when asked to pony up pull āit was just a joke, broā. To use a slightly less ridiculous example, Fallout 76. One of the preorder editions can with a canvas backpack. But when they finally shipped, the durable canvas backpacks somehow became flimsy nylon. Complaints to publisher Bethesda got the response that the canvas version advertised was a prototype that was too expensive to make, so they handed out the cheap imitations instead. It took like two years in the courts for Bethesda to give people what they actually pay for. And they won because advertising law says you have to deliver on what you promise, even if itās a Harrier jet. Introducing any level of āitās just a jokeā makes that effectively meaningless.
"I genuinely thought Pepsi was giving out fighter jets" Pepsi genuinely SAID they were giving out fighter jets. They went to some trouble to specify the conditions under which they were giving out fighter jets, in fact.
You can't shake the Devil's hand and then say you were only kidding.
It's just that sometimes the Devil shows up in the form of some guy with a lot of time on his hands and an interest in getting himself a fighter jet.
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