*insert corn emoji here*

26 | she/her |🏳️‍🌈| here is a clusterfuck of things | rambles and other random stuff on @cornsobsessions hockey and other sports on @cornwatcheshockey

[quasi-normalcy]

[tj-crochets]

My grandma just called and, among other things, said “You have hips. That’s good! Men like hips!” and then she interrupted herself to say “Women like hips. People of your preferred gender like hips. I can never remember”  And I was like “Thanks grandma! My preferred gender is none of them, no thanks.” and she was like “Okay, no one will comment on your hips!” very self satisfied, like “aha, I have figured it out” I think like half her grandkids are some variety of not-straight and she can’t always remember which is which but she is the epitome of like “she’s a little confused, but she’s got the spirit!”

[tj-crochets]

Update: I gave it some thought and my estimate was wrong. Of the grandkids that are out, it’s 1/3, not ½

[tj-crochets]

I told my grandma that I’d told my friends about what she said and that some of y’all had said you wished she was your grandma, and she said “Well, you can never have too many grandkids!”  So like…consider her your honorary grandma* I guess? *if you want an honorary grandma, that is

[tj-crochets]

Update on my grandma: I told her my hair was standing up, but instead of straight line it was diagonal and she said “That’s okay, you’ve never been straight!” and then laughed so hard at her own joke I thought she was going to drop the phone

[tj-crochets]

Happy almost pride month! Have my confused-but-supportive grandma!

[tj-crochets]

An update: my grandma just called me to ask if I knew it was pride month

[tj-crochets]

Happy pride month!!

[helicalsymmetry]

8 hours of decent sleep will have you thinking things like 'i am a beautiful horse and i will never die'

[helicalsymmetry]

2 hours of bad sleep will have you thinking things like 'i am a stranded whale and i need to be covered in dynamite in an ill-advised attempt to clear the beach'

[npdclaraoswald]

A doll youtuber I watch has made a video about the history of Polly Pocket, and she's describing the plots of the dvd specials, one of which features an elderly woman named Ms. Throckmorton, and my reaction was

[danielwaldorf]

since becoming a barista i have noticed a few very distinct typologies among my customers. such as:

the woke left: young and fashionable. visible tattoos. often enjoys matcha, lavender flavoring, oat milk, and cold foam. pretty decent customers.

sweet old man: drinks very sweet iced lattes, pays in cash, puts all of his change in the tip jar. sometimes orders hot coffee and i get scared that his shaky old man hands will spill it and he'll get burned but that has not yet happened and god willing never shall.

evil old man: only wants drip coffee and declares it ridiculous that any other form of coffee exists. some variants only want americanos and these variants are even scarier. watch out.

sweet old woman: might need her daughter's help to order but is very bubbly and open to trying new things. compliments baristas freely and frequently.

evil old woman: does not want coffee and only wants sweet tea or soda. will not tip even if she spends three hours in the shop repeatedly asking baristas to fetch things for her.

errand husband: either stiltedly recites an order to you or shows you the order in their texts/notes app. needs to step out of line and make a phone call if you ask any follow-up questions.

grindset girlie: always wearing scrubs, an apron, and/or a name tag. orders the exact same thing every day and knows the exact change she'll need to pay for it. her regular order is both extremely caffeinated and extremely sweet.

#mamabear: is actively wrangling two to four children while ordering. order changes repeatedly because the children cannot decide if they want a muffin or a cookie or apple juice or chocolate milk etc. for some reason these women are always wearing an article of clothing or carrying some personalized item that says "mama" on it.

schoolchildren: band of two to eight adolescents hanging out after school. extremely indecisive but generally quite polite and tip well.

amnesiac in love: grown adult who needs their partner to tell them what they like. gets asked a question about their own preferences and turns to their partner to answer for them. generally acts like a shy child looking to their guardian for behavioral cues if you try to interact with them and only wants to talk to mommy i mean their wife.

this of course is not an exhaustive list but those are just some of the most consistent Types i get. ok bye xoxo

[thememedaddy]

[borgevino]

so fucking stupid that meds literally work. "swallow this pebble it makes you think" hateful

[hellish-undeath]

i love medications and swallowing pills #mypebbles

[chloecat]

don’t forget to swallow your pebbles today girls

[orphanedsource]

the place I work at remodeled these split gendered restrooms into “inclusive restrooms” and never told us what they meant while construction was ongoing. I need you to know every atom of potential criticism or whining that could’ve happened disappeared when people found out this meant we got 10 fully separate private bathrooms with sinks inside. I’ve not heard a single person crack a joke about the inclusive signage. this is the world TERFs are trying to steal from you

[revcleo]

This is called a "superloo" and terfs are actively trying to steal this from you, in the UK they changed bathroom regulations to mean new buildings have to prioritise gendered toilets rather than build superloos.

This also upset a lot of architects and designers who like the superloos. They're also typically more like small rooms rather than having doors you can look under.

[animentality]

[redstonedust]

i do find the rules around clothes fascinating because of how made up it all is. we invented the idea of covering our bodies from the elements because we lack fur like other mammals and then made up all these rules around it and now people will unironically tell you "men cant wear skirts its unnatural" girl none of this is natural. we are born naked and made up the rest as we went along. hope this helps.

[inviernodel95]

[tauforged]

one of my favorite things about my job that i can say to people that sounds utterly ridiculous but is technically 100% true is that one of our sea turtles keeps trying to get me to commit a felony on her behalf and gets SUPER cranky when i won’t do it

[tauforged]

this is because she is spoiled rotten and LOVES head and shell scritches. every time i go to the tank she’s in to collect water samples while she happens to be awake and swimming near the surface, she sees my hand enter the water and immediately comes over to try and get my attention, headbutting the dive platform and splashing water at me and generally making a huge fuss.

unfortunately, because she is also a ~100yr old green sea turtle, i legally cannot touch her. she’s a protected species, and a fairly prominent individual at that, and im not one of the aquarists who dives into that tank NOR am i a vet, so i’m not among the handful of people who are ALLOWED to give her scratchies. she knows all of the divers personally, and knows that i am not one of them. she doesn’t care. she wants attention and because she’s the specialest princess in the entire universe she will do anything in her power to get it.

she also throws a big ol tantrum when i end up not petting her. she’ll stick up her head to snort water at me, slap at the platform and ladder with her fins, and then swim under the dive platform and bump her shell against the bottom — she’s a 500lb turtle, which is a lot of weight for her to be throwing around. i usually have to move pretty quick to get off the platform and onto solid ground cuz there have been times where i’ve genuinely felt like i was about to lose my balance and REALLY didn’t want to end up falling into the tank.

^ myrtle, throwing a tantrum because she was unsuccessful at peer pressuring me into violating the endangered species act

[nevershootamockingbird]

[ Begin ID: A photo of Myrtle, aforementioned sea turtle, lifting her head out of the water in her tank. / End ID ]

[dawn4ngel]

[bbcwhereareyou]

[punchholesinthesky]

[wizardarchetypes]

No more sleeping with my phone within reach because I was having an extremely vivid dream that I was the victim of some sort of mass-poisoning. the notorious poisoner? "The Centipede Cult." They used a specific type of poison, referred to only by its chemical nomenclature, which I somehow remembered perfectly upon waking. It went: □□ Na({}^{2})

Because that makes sense. Anyway, this poison would submit me to its well-known and much-feared symptom: "17 Day Paralysis" in which you're paralyzed for exactly 17 days and you only chance of survival is to be on full machine support for 17 days.

Just before the medical team intubated me I remembered I have a Zoom meeting with my academic advisor today (I actually do in real life) and I needed to email him to let him know I was the victim of a mass-poisoning and would need to reschedule.

I kept trying to type the "□" symbol in my dream but could not figure out how and gave up.

I woke up in real life to find I'd begun drafting an email in my sleep to my professor in the Gmail app. I was apparently using talk-to-text (I often do because of my hand neuropathy) but speaking in Irish, which talk-to-text never understands, so other than the words in English "poison" and "centipede" the entire email was complete nonsense.

[wizardarchetypes]

I told my advisor about this and he said, "well, if you had been poisoned, I would have provided you whatever academic supports available to us."

[victusinveritas]

[razielim]

oh i'm going to misusle and straight up fuckle this knowledge so badly

[kvothes]

a good thread

[lostinhistory]

Wake up babe, new octopus just dropped

He's such a little guy!

[castalianspring]

Sadly, it's nowhere near that vivid of a blue in real life (not everything needs a filter!!), but it's still VERY cool and cute.

More pics at the Charles Darwin Foundation site (of the preserved specimen, mind)

[ploobytumbls]

I took a bus to a conference today and the bus driver fully stopped the bus to identify and chastise a person who was playing music out loud on their phone. That is how you get me to actually complete the customer service survey specifically so I can give you top ratings

[ploobytumbls]

It's days later and I'm still thinking about this man. Full ass bus pulled over to the side of a state highway with the hazards on, stalking down the center aisle intoning "ALL RIGHT. WHO'S GOT IT. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ON SPEAKER." I want to commission a statue of him. a hero. a king.