I'm doing my best

he/she/they | 20s | adhd studyblr | MA Literature

[aaaaaaaadhd-studying]

in which it occurs to me to make a pinned post

studyblr sideblog of @lovedthestars-toofondly where I (inconsistently) chronicle my endeavours to pursue an MLitt while having ADHD

mostly task lists for accountability, sometimes reblogs with things that seem relevant, including ADHD coping strategies

also thoughts about the things I study

[geniusoflove]

thinking about how much work i could get done if i would do it

[spacecowboy3039]

More men in short shorts with hairy legs!! 📢📢📢

[eatuntilyoudie]

sometimes i actually get my shit together but then i lose it again like 2 days later

[thelatestkate]

March 2021 Illustrations ヽ(• ‿ •)ノ

[peanutpalace-deactivated2023011]

So many idiots have masters degrees maybe I could be the next

[aaaaaaaadhd-studying]

13/03/2023

very very tired today, but unfortunately I have tasks to complete regardless, so:

Language practice

Duolingo Spanish

Duolingo Japanese

Kanji practice

misc

pick up meds

plan out the week

seminar reading

Bennett

Flyn

Iovino & Opperman

Jamie

Smithson

seminar mindmap

(ID: a closeup of orange carnations with something of a red-yellow gradient to their petals. end ID)

at least I have these to keep me company

[fullyarticulatedgoldskeleton]

When people ask, “How can I tell if someone is disabled or just lazy?” I think about my parents.

My parents have known me my whole life. When they’re not actively contemptuous of me, they do seem to be somewhat aware of my general personality and character. In one of his nicer moments, my dad has called me “sweet-natured.” They can tell that when I make them a surprise breakfast or lunch that I enjoy being helpful and doing nice things for people.

They know from watching me grow up that I have always had trouble keeping my room clean, getting homework done, and keeping my desk tidy at school.

The longest I can push myself past my limits is about nine months. Then I collapse and end up less functional than I was before I pushed myself. This has been a pattern throughout my middle and high school years. I would go to public school for about a year, and then collapse and have to do the rest of my education at home. My work history follows this pattern, too.

I once sat in a therapy session with my dad to talk about the constant struggle we were having at home because he wanted me to help out more and do better in school. When he asked me why I didn’t do things, I broke down in tears, because I couldn’t explain it. “I just CAN’T. I want to, and I CAN’T.” Nobody listened.

My mom asked me why I don’t do things, and I said, “I just can’t. I sit there for hours trying to convince myself to do things, and I can’t. Move.”

And she said, “Don’t think about it, just do it,” completely missing the point.

When I got older I found words for the things I was dealing with. I got professionally diagnosed, and I’d look up information about my diagnosis and e-mail articles to my parents explaining what my disability is and why I can’t do things.

My parents have firsthand information about my character (helpful, likes doing things for others) and my history with disability (can’t consistently keep things clean, can’t manage a daily schedule). I’ve talked to them extensively about my diagnosis and given them information about it. They have known me my whole life, and I’ve always been this way. And they still, STILL choose to believe I’m just a bad person who doesn’t try and doesn’t care.

My disability isn’t invisible, people refuse to look at it.

People like problems they can yell at. They like having a target for their frustration. They don’t want to admit disability is real, because they want problems that they can either solve, or blame someone else for. And the disabled person themself is  their scapegoat, someone who can’t ever opt out of their role because the disability is never going to go away.

[ladyshinga]

My disability isn’t invisible, people refuse to look at it.

My disability isn’t invisible, people refuse to look at it.

My disability isn’t invisible, people refuse to look at it.

[nitro-nova-deactivated20180206]

“The longest I can push myself past my limits is about nine months. Then I collapse and end up less functional than I was before I pushed myself.“

Oh.

[suncloth]

“They don’t want to admit disability is real, because they want problems that they can either solve, or blame someone else for. And the disabled person themself is  their scapegoat, someone who can’t ever opt out of their role because the disability is never going to go away.”

[warm-autumn-evenings]

there is nothing wrong with being mediocre. there is nothing wrong with not being the best at everything you do. there is no guilt in doing the bare minimum because you have no energy to do more than that. “living your life to the fullest” can mean different things for you at different times in your life. sometimes, it is achieving your goals and fulfilling your purpose, and sometimes, it is allowing yourself to rest and just get through it.

you deserve the space to simply be. to exist, to witness, to breathe, and to find peace.

[aaaaaaaadhd-studying]

needing to do uni work but wanting to write fiction so of course I’m sat here doing neither

[ckret2]

More How To Manage ADHD

“I never remember to take out the trash until my trash can is full, at which point the trash bag is really heavy and the stuff at the bottom has been rotting a while, and it’s awful!”

Small brain: “Try to train yourself to take out the trash on certain days at certain times.”

Large brain: “Buy a tiny trash can. Now you HAVE to empty it.”

[adhd-community]

That’s genius!

I just put it in front of my door when it’s full so I am physically unable to leave unless I pick it up.

[feamir]

The best advice I’ve ever received about managing my depression/anxiety/adhd is that disability exists in the context of the environment. Accommodations are not about changing yourself to work in your environment — it’s about changing your environment to better work for you.

So yeah, get a tiny trash can and put it by your door. Store your towels in your bathroom so you can immediately change them when they smell funny. Hang a basket by your door for your gloves and earbuds. Leave a box of cliff bars by your door so you never leave without breakfast. Change your environment and change your life!

[adhd-community]

“Change your environment and change your life”

[fandomsandfeminism]

I learned a long time ago that if I have to remember to pack a fork *every day* for lunch, I end up at work with no fork about 30% of the time.

But if I take an entire 50 count box of forks and put the entire thing in my lunch box? I *always have a fork.*

And I have extra forks for coworkers who forgot to pack a fork, and then I seem SUPER responsible. Lol.

[alarajrogers]

Back in 2011 I attended an event called BMoreFail which was a business seminar on business failure, taught by guest speakers who had all failed at something, and I had a revelation.

If your system would work fine if people Just Would, but it does not work because people Don’t, and you feel very strongly that it works but people are not using it right and if only they Just Would everything would be fine… your system is a failure. Because if people were capable of Just Doing, they would be doing. The fact that people Don’t is an indication that they, in fact, cannot Just Would.

I was thinking of this in terms of workflow systems in business, but it’s just as meaningful in the systems you create for yourself that would work if you Just Would. Because if you Could, then you already Would. The fact that you Don’t even though it would work if you Just Would means that you in fact Can’t and you need to redesign the system.

That doesn’t always make it easier to figure out a system that will work, but it does tell you something about how to deal with the repeated failure of the system. Change it. The system is always what’s broken, not the people in it. Systems exist to serve people; if they cannot serve people because people can’t use them, they are wrong and must be changed.

[roach-works]

if your Correct System sucks to use the Right Way, it isn’t correct and that isn’t the right way. redesign it.

[findingfeather]

If your system would work fine if people Just Would, but it does not work because people Don’t, and you feel very strongly that it works but people are not using it right and if only they Just Would everything would be fine… your system is a failure. Because if people were capable of Just Doing, they would be doing. The fact that people Don’t is an indication that they, in fact, cannot Just Would.

This. Is. Very. Important. 

It applies to literally everything. 

People will never Just. Humans have never in the history of ever Just for anything that you need to say “if people would JUST -” for. By the time they are capable of it you no longer are thinking “if people would JUST -” so it doesn’t count. 

They especially will not “JUST -” in groups, repeatedly, over long periods of time. And that is what you NEED in order to change the world, or an overall institution, or a system. If you sit there and Are Angry About How They Won’t Just—! you will get nowhere. 

Find the places where you can do something about why they won’t Just. :points at picture: put a pretty paved path through the middle and build up the rest with plants that make going off the middle path less convenient. Try things and see if they work. 

But the minute you find yourself going “if people would JUST -”, know that your system has already failed. They won’t. Fair or not, moral or not, right or not, they won’t, because humans in groups over time have never in the history of ever “just”. 

[softdaisie]

maybe mediocrity isn’t wrong. maybe you don’t need to be the best at everything you do. maybe you don’t need to be the best at anything you do. it’s ok to simply do things because you enjoy doing them. its ok to not want to advance in your job. nothing has to be a competition. you don’t need to be better than anyone. you can do things just because they’re fun. you don’t need to read up on the history, and know everything about it. its ok to just exist. its ok.

[aaaaaaaadhd-studying]

splaying my fingers together like a comicbook villain whose plans are working out perfectly when an article mentions rhododendrons and their ecological impact in Britain

[aaaaaaaadhd-studying]

hahaha why are you draining all those bogs that’s silly no don’t do that no I’m serious those are immeasurably valuable carbon sinks and unique ecosystems stop it sTOP IT dude we NEED those

[aaaaaaaadhd-studying]

rotating pages in acrobat reader is a paid feature now apparently im going to kill someone

[aaaaaaaadhd-studying]

okay it’s still possible with ctrl+shift+1 so I guess I won’t have to embark on a life of crime just yet

[aaaaaaaadhd-studying]

rotating pages in acrobat reader is a paid feature now apparently im going to kill someone

[aaaaaaaadhd-studying]

29/01/2023

Not experiencing ambient joint/muscle soreness today, and wouldn’t you believe it, that makes existence a lot less ambiently miserable!

Also got some incredibly positive feedback on my creative writing assignment, which was a very pleasant surprise

And I found a 2023 diary for half price which is basically just 52 absolutely delightful botanical illustrations:

(ID: a page of the above mentioned diary, with an illustration of forget-me-nots. end ID)

now, on to today’s tasks (of which, thankfully, there are few):

Misc.

Duolingo (Spanish) (Japanese)

groceries

laundry

dishwasher

Creative Writing

reply to email

Ecotheory

read O

read Clare, ‘To a Fallen Elm’

(amended this slightly after looking over the worksheet. which it might have been wise to do first. but then again I don’t think that would’ve led me to where some of my thought paths ended up)