Open, honest & vulnerable
One of my biggest worries in becoming a mother was that I thought I would be like my “mother” and that I could not handle it. Would I really love my child? Would I want to stay? Then our first daughter was born and I fell in love and in the midst of the chaos of having a newborn I sought out the Lord. I felt his presence in those late nights I would cry, because I just wanted my baby girl to fall asleep!
Fast forward, to when we wanted another baby so fast forward again and we had another baby girl! As both of our girls grow up I love that they seem to have had an instant bond, their own language, and they can make each other laugh or smile in the right timing. However, at the same time I feel like my nerves are on edge as they run, laugh and typically stop running and laughing when one gets hurt. Also, the youngest one is in her “screaming” stage- the I do not know a lot of words so I am going stand there and scream at the top of her tiny lungs.
I love that my kids are best friends and I hear all the time to embrace and enjoy it, because they will never little again. I get that I do and I embrace the hugs and the kisses and the snuggles while I can, because I know it will end. However, in the midst of everything I honestly feel so often that I am drowning. I wake up go to the gym, come back and maybe get alone time to get ready, then it is a race. Ready, set, go- get the kids up, brush hair, brush teeth, and get breakfast ready-while getting my lunch packed and trying to convince my kids to just eat their food! I do greatly appreciate the help my husband, my partner takes on the craziness of the mornings with me by sort of tag teaming parts of the morning.
Following a work day then it is get dinner ready and hope my kids do not hurt themselves while I am cooking, get food on the table, etc and go on with the evening. We are also taking on a two year old adjusting to her big girl bed meaning that we usually sit or lay by her until she falls asleep, but then I have no energy to do anything I had hopes of doing so I go to bed and it starts all over again. Then I ask myself when do I get my time? My quiet time? Time do whatever the heck I want?
More often than not I have been feeling like I am drowning and unable to catch my breath, because there is always so much to do. Oh yeah and we are moving so the daunting task of organizing things to get rid of, pack or want to sell is not at all overwhelming. (Please note my sarcasm) On the other hand, how often as a wife, a mother do I feel like I need to carry everything by myself?
In all honesty, being completely open and vulnerable I have had guilt eat at me causing me so much stress, because I have felt terrible feeling and saying aloud that all I do is take care of everyone else and feel like I am drowning. I have felt guilty and over emotional about moving and not wanting to tell anyone for the fear of someone saying, “Well maybe that means it’s not a good idea to do then.” I am excited do not get me wrong! Really I am, but then I think of selling our house, daycare, a new school, etc. Please, know it is a million times easier to say, “Don’t worry about it everything will be fine.” Or “ God has everything under control.” I do tell myself that and I pray that and yet my fears, my stress, my worries, and the unknown have gotten the best of me at times and I get physically sick.
Now I don’t want people worrying that all I am doing is stressing although breaking down crying on the elliptical at the gym may say otherwise. Not so accidently I am in a bible study about the armor of God.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full
Armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the
Schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,
But against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this
Darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.
Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will able to resist in the
Evil day, and having done everything to stand firm.”
Every day, I pray I put on the full armor of God and that my mind, body and soul seek and grow in the Lord’s truth. Getting out of my comfort box and letting my husband know, letting family and friends know that I am stress helps, because I cannot keep it to myself. There is no reason to feel ashamed, or guilty or embarrassed by my feelings and emotions. I honestly took the step out to share, because I felt on my heart that another mom somewhere may be going through this too. I encourage you to talk to someone and release it! Do not feel you have to carry this by yourself!
** So in the end…I hope and want & need
Prayers- People who’ll pray over our family in person, via text, or a letter I don’t care
Hugs –I am a hugger and hugs make me feel better
Open ears. I don’t always need a solution, a quick fix, but having someone listen lifts off such a huge weight. And to those who I have talked to you may never truly know how much I appreciate you!
Thank you to all who read the whole thing ;)
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