as above so below

(de)programming chatter and complaining blog. none of the names and aliases we use here are our actual names. we owe you nothing. our experience isn't typical, but it's real.

[above-below-sys]

insert witty header here

call us As Above So Below, AB or the Cycle. Three sidesystems use this blog:

The Above: most heavily programmed. biblical heaven as horror, underpinnings of dystopian fiction.

The Between: main system, most grounded in external reality. mix of medical and high fantasy theming.

The Below: not an afterlife, but not quite the same as the other two. generally irreverent and irresponsible but relatively good at slipping the programming.

-

We have a complicated relationship with psychiatry because of how we were shaped; don't medicalize us without our consent.

Fakeclaiming or a lack of nuance will earn you a visit from the block button. We won't cater to you.

[goatnurse]

being intersex system is not for the weak yeah i have stereotypically female anatomy yes i developed male secondary sex characteristics yes im transfem yes i have alters who are transmasc NO I DONT HAVE BOTH!!!

[fiirstaid]

shoutout to oea victims who don't have did im sorry people think you don't exist

[above-below-sys]

Oh, my two favorite subordinates are back from the ether. To say this is a delight is an understatement. I never thought they'd get to experience the life we have now, and yet, here we are.

[these-wings-are-porcelain]

Ngl I'm pretty sure the Satanic Panic was started as a conspiracy theory by conservative Christians to deflect from the fact that Christian churches are where the majority of ritual abuse and organized abuse occurs but I'm not sure yall are ready for that discussion.

[thetimekeepers]

shoutout to my fellow pro-endo or even mixed origins RAMCOA survivors!!!! i never see enough love for us programmed systems in the pro-endo side of the community (and most of the ramcoa survivors we've met are extremely medical about plurality and anti-endo as a whole).

so, just a reminder, there are other systems like you and we love you <3

i love you programmed systems that purposely fuse their fragments into functioning willogenic headmates.

i love you programmed systems that create more headmates for programs to use to heal.

i love you programmed systems that are endogenic for healing purposes.

i love you programmed systems that are endogenic for fun.

i love you programmed systems that don't let your trauma define your future.

i love you mixed origins programmed systems.

i love you programmed systems.

[above-below-sys]

Sorry for the syscourse uptick by the way. We're just mad as fuck.

[above-below-sys]

Can you people

PLEASE

stop crossposting anti-willo posts in the ramcoa tags. Why do you think people who were

TORTURED AS CHILDREN

will find your petty internet respectability politics relevant here. Who Fucking Cares.

[above-below-sys]

Oh this one already reached a target audience I think might have misunderstood our point. I'll clarify.

OP IS PRO ENDO AND PRO WILLO.

Why are we putting fakeclaiming in the "system origin that gets the most fakeclaiming from society at large" tag. Use your brains.

(And yes, I would much rather get insensitive comments from teenagers who need to be told what words mean than people who say part of our system mechanics don't exist. It's that simple.)

[above-below-sys]

so do any of y'all who don't believe in nondisordered systems + believe psychiatry is the last word on our experiences have a way of internalizing the fact that my therapist and both of her clinical supervisors 100% accept and support us as a nondisordered system.

because I think it would really help some of y'all to internalize that psychiatry as a field has come to absolutely no consensus as to what dissociation and systems even are. this is an active topic of debate.

I'm not gonna belabor the "psych definitions include distress dysfunction and deviation from culture" or "other dissociative disorders can present alongside nondisordered plurality" or "traumagenic systems can still self-identify as nondisordered if they feel that fits their experience" points. just...think about it, y'all. really think about it. if you think the psych professional is the end-all be-all, reconcile this.

[thegalvanizedstaff]

By the way, you're not punk if you're anti-endo or dick-riding psychiatrists. Stop tagging your posts as "pluralpunk" or "systempunk", but then turning around and adding "anti endo", "endos dni", "endos fuck off". Do you think autism wasn't real before? That everyone has easy and quick access to doctors and therapy? That something needs to be recognized by The Smart for it to be considered worthy of respect and support? You're not punk. You're disrespectful.

You're also included if you think all endogenic systems "just don't remember their trauma". Stop speaking over them. Stop dictating what they are or are not.

[above-below-sys]

Can you people

PLEASE

stop crossposting anti-willo posts in the ramcoa tags. Why do you think people who were

TORTURED AS CHILDREN

will find your petty internet respectability politics relevant here. Who Fucking Cares.

[anonymous-truma-pro]

I can’t believe I have to say this,

I will not tolerate discrediting victims/survivors, including RAMCOA survivors. That shit will earn you a block.

I don’t fucking care how “respectful” you word it.

Also, RAMCOA ≠ Satanic cults, actually listen to RAMCOA systems. :}

[above-below-sys]

I just wonder how so many people can dismiss RAMCOA/OEA when the troubled teen industry is Right There

[above-below-sys]

You know when you look at someone and you remember, but you don't?

(organized abuse, child endangerment, perpetration programming, some kind of internalized superiority in the way we're programmed)

There's these kids we know online. Kids, because not all of them are even minors but they all act so, so young. Young enough that they fit into the schema of the past we can't concretely remember.

But from the primordial soup of our subconscious, things surface. Urges. Instincts. The husks of memories with nothing left inside. We see them talk so openly about their past, their programming, and we remember without remembering.

We remember so little of our group, and yet we see just how doomed they would be there, and react accordingly. Lilith coddles like they're a dog about to be put to sleep. Moonstone sharpens his blade for the hunt. Atropa watches for the perfect point to trip them into their end. Prince runs the numbers, the calculations, knows exactly when and how to break them into a more useful shape, how to remake them and save them. The Keeper plans her experiments. None of us act. All of our fingers twitch.

We've done this before. We have no memory, but there's no way we haven't. To watch the lamb go to the slaughter, to wait for the command to save or destroy.

I know they're in this tag, at least one of them, and I know they won't recognize that I'm talking about them. It's nothing personal, kid; we were just forged in two different crucibles, and mine would have killed you and your soft heart.

[above-below-sys]

You know there's some kind of. Something. About trying to deprogram your programmed phobia of psychiatric institutionalization. When literally everyone you've talked to about psych institutionalization/whose experiences you've read about had a worse experience than the ones your programmer used to traumatize the fear into you.

Like. wtf are we supposed to do with that. That's like trying to convince yourself there's no boogeyman under your bed, but it turns out Jigsaw is there instead.

[abuzd]

oh god it all really happened. like, to me.

to the body i inhabit. like i'm at that place in healing where i can now discern the child-built-fantasy from the very real and horrifically uncomplicated it was for those men to do that to a child. to children. to me.

i have to live with it being real. there's no fall-back of "maybes" that i can dissiciate to, to hide me from it really happened. to me. and i still live in this body.

it's vastly different now that i'm 30+. but it's still my body (was it ever?), still me. there's no dissociation where i can put down the weight of it. of it being real. of it really happening to me. any other lens is symptomatic.

and i have to handle that. all of this realness of things so horrifying, i have to keep even the hint of it happening from 95% of the people physically around me at any given time. and everyday i wake up now like oh god. it really happened to me. but i also wake up now know that i can handle handling it. i'm capable now.

like, don't get me wrong, the agony persists. like i still genuinely wanna kms sometimes over the memory-load alone lol but i can just... i dunno. i got the tools now and when i use them as intended, they work lol (imagine that). anyway i'm 31 and if things don't get better around you, take the good and learn from it, watch the bad and learn from their mistakes. bc you really do live and then you learn from living and i hate that but it makes sense.

give yourself and others the slack to make mistakes ffs. give people a chance to learn on that basic human-to-human level (rarely possible online, but still). fuck arguing your nuance like we know we all know anyway shut up and listen and learn.

revisit basic thoughts and memories in the privacy if your own physical head. learn about yourself, question yourself--if not to kill time vs algorithm doomscrolling. ai wants you to stop thinking for yourself; very literally. best thing we can do is log off.

log off of the fantasy or mask or whatever. sit with your thoughts--shut up about meditation--whatever thoughts, and follow their path. or i dunno, just try something to get your brain moving in new directions. does that make sense? (rhetorical lol but does it).

anyway i'm rambling i just wanna say being in a body is fuck shit ass

[starryk1sses]

My bf and I have the opportunity to move out of the state we’re currently living in. I don’t know why, but for some reason I feel like I’m not allowed to leave. Whenever I’ve tried to leave or started making progress in recovery, another alter has suicide attempts and all of us experience massive destabilization. I want so badly to move away from here but I’m also terrified of what the consequences will be if I try…. I don’t understand why this happens, but I know destabilization is to be expected if we actually do move.

Has anyone else had similar experiences with those types of reactions when trying to leave or make progress in therapy/healing?