Love in Constellations ‎‧₊˚✩ 🪐✩˚

‧₊˚✩ ౨ৎ hi!!🌸 We’re a diagnosed DID system | body’s age 22| nonbinary | endogenic systems dni | chaotic blog to share some of our personal thoughts & experiences💫 ౨ৎ ✩˚₊‧

[starryk1sses]

hi!! 🩷

We’re really awkward with intros,

but here it goes —

𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧

We’re professionally diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, and we’re using this blog as a safe space to vent, rant, and just be ourselves. We’re still figuring things out, and our system doesn’t really look like the stereotypical DID presentations you often see online. Because of that, we struggle a lot with denial.

(That said, there’s nothing wrong with systems who do present overtly or more stereotypically!!!!)

As for me right now—I don’t even know exactly who I am, other than being a part who handles social interaction and keeps things functional in daily life.

𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧

✨ Important to know ✨

- DID is not something to romanticize or glamorize. It can be confusing, debilitating, and scary at times.

- It is a real disorder and not a role play.

- DID forms from severe and repeated early childhood trauma (typically before the ages 6-9)

𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧

🌷 A little about us:

• Our body is 22yrs old.

• We’re biologically female, though some of our alters feel differently.

• We have very little memory of childhood - so there’s not much to say about that.

• Our teen years were spent in and out of facilities, being misdiagnosed and feeling extremely hopeless.

• After a very traumatic time between ages 18–19, everything crumbled, and we eventually went back into therapy where we were diagnosed with DID.

𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧

🌸 Why this blog exists 🌸

We want this to be a safe place to figure ourselves out and maybe connect with others who are going through similar things and to hopefully find a sense of community!

𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧

‼️ Boundaries ‼️

• Please, no creeps.

• Respect that everyone is going through something, even if you can’t see it.

• Questions are okay, but don’t be offended if we don’t have answers—we’re still asking a lot of questions ourselves.

• We DO NOT support endogenic systems, if you claim to be one plz DNI! Thankssss!!!! <3

𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧

We might add more to this intro later, but for now — hi, and welcome! We hope you have a lovely day! Feel free to reach out or say hi!! <3

𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧

[starryk1sses]

TW (just incase)

I want to talk about something but it’s extremely difficult to talk about. I’m going to try my best.

I’ve been remembering this dim red lit room. My mom used to tell me as a child that it was just a dream I was remembering when I tried to tell her about it but it doesn’t feel like a dream….. I know we went to that room during preschool years I believe.

I’ve been having flashbacks that only last a split second before they get dissociated again, but in those brief moments the flashback is happening, I feel like I’m reliving what happened in that room with the red lighting. I’m terrified to talk about this because I don’t want to be seen as insane and crazy but I’ve been remembering bits and pieces of “trainings” that was happening in that room. Even typing this out is making my brain get all foggy and swirly and I’m sorry. I hope I’m making sense. I just am having a hard time trusting these flashbacks and accepting that something like that and someplace like that room, even exists and is even possible. I don’t remember the people, I don’t even know where that room was and what building it was in. My brain keeps telling me I’m making it all up but a part of me knows it’s not made up. I want it to be made up because I can’t comprehend that kinda stuff even happens.

[starryk1sses]

I feel like an awful person… I was supposed to go meet up with this guy last night and I completely ghosted him. Not because I didn’t wanna go hang out but because i genuinely forgot. Like i forgot this man even existed.

I didn’t mean to forget about him. I feel horrible. I don’t even remember last night. And I hate how saying “I forgot” sounds like a dumb excuse too. I genuinely feel so bad rn…. Idk what to say. Ugh. And our systems tried writing and leaving notes for one another so we can let the other alters know when there’s an important event planned, but we just end up forgetting to write in general…. I feel so guilty

[the-nvl-sys]

Can we normalize that not everything is a new alter?

Maybe you just like that character.

Maybe you just kin this character.

Maybe you're just acting differently on a bad day.

Maybe you're just blurry or blended.

Maybe you just can't tell who's fronting.

I've been mislead before as well. But take your time and don't immediately jump to conclusions please. For your own good.

[starryk1sses]

I’ve been really struggling with understanding what our gender and sexual identity is as a whole, and not what’s just being influenced by our alters. It’s so confusing omg. We have alters who are male, who are female, who don’t identify with a gender, who are straight, who are not, who doesn’t feel attraction at all etc etc.

idk. This has just been on my mind. A several years ago we had an old host who came out as transgender. That didn’t go well at all.

We shoved a LOT of those feelings down and worked really hard to “make it go away.” But those feelings and questions and confusion have re-surfaced again and it’s been rough….

[starryk1sses]

We met someone who showed us what it’s like to feel genuinely safe and cared for. Since we’ve been back from their house and back home, I have been overwhelmed with feelings of grief. The kind of grief that makes it feel like it hurts to breathe. It came out of nowhere. It feels like this old deep ache in my body. I wish I knew how to make my home feel as safe as when I was with that person

[effigy13]

hm sitting here tonight and feeling pain because DID is a disorder that makes so much sense (anyone who says it doesn't has no idea what they're talking about) and it hurts to have to experience things like multiple versions of yourself at once that are stuck in different time periods, feeling them next to you and around you like ghosts, screaming from beneath the waves of dissociation

[starryk1sses]

I'm ashamed to admit that I had only first heard of this community a few years ago in other sides of mental illness Tumblr. I believed their claims that the community was full of "fakers".

Well, after literal years of pain and suffering, trying to figure out what kind of insane schizoamnesiac-superautism I had - I finally figured it out.

we've never felt more deeply connected to a community than this and we're wondering if you all (or anybody) have any advice for a sys that weren't already "in the loop" before a diagnoses?

ps. you've all built a lovely and welcoming environment and I'm sorry we were one of "those guys"

Hi!! Im glad you’ve found this community to be a good place for support and connection!!

I know there’s a good big of controversy when it comes to DID in general and DID spaces. But it is a medically recognized disorder within the DSM-5. I’m sure where ever you go online there will always be people who “fake” something, but there are also people who do genuinely struggle with this disorder and who just want a safe space to interact and be themselves :)

As for your question about if we have any advice for a sys that wasn’t “in the loop” prior to diagnosis, I would heavily suggest not only using online community spaces for your sources of information about the disorder. DID is most of the time an incredibly hidden disorder, everyone is different and sometimes online spaces can focus more on the overt side of things as well as with any topic in online communities, there’s bound to be misinformation.

So yeah! I’m not 100% sure if that’s what you were meaning when you asked your question but hopefully that helps some. Oh and as well as if possible, I always recommend reaching out to a professional for this kinda stuff too! 🤍

[starryk1sses]

Why is it so hard to make friends when ur older…. Like can we normalize just walking up to someone and asking, “do you wanna be my friend?” 🥹

[starryk1sses]

hiii I wanted to know if there any systems on here that are in there 20’s or is it just me >.<

[scramratz]

I think people would be less suicidal if they were allowed to talk about being suicidal without risk of being sent to the Torture Dungeon

[starryk1sses]

Agreed and “torture dungeon” is accurate 😭

[starryk1sses]

Sometimes my head feels busy. Like I don’t hear the other alters talking but I can feel them chattering and stuff going on inside but I can’t quite make it out. idk if that makes sense 😭

[starryk1sses]

Hi! I wanted to post this because I could really use some advice and support right now..

This is so difficult to type out so bare with me — over the last couple of years I keep running into things within our system and our parts that resemble some type of programming.

But I’m terrified to start actually accepting that we possibly were programmed…. Even thinking about it is causing denial…

I tried to tell my therapist about it but couldn’t say the words, and when I finally got some of the words out I spiraled, hard. I suddenly believed that it’s just psychosis and delusions and that I actually don’t have DID and that I’m crazy and my therapist doesn’t believe me.

I want to try to talk to our therapist more about what we’re suspecting but it feels impossible at this point and I’m not sure what to even do….

Even trying to write it out or send her an email feels impossible. When I try to write it out to her my head gets all disoriented inside. And I’m also not even sure I even wanna bring it up again because every time I start thinking about it more, we have so many horrible reactions and it just causes so much more destabilization in our system.

I don’t really know what the best next step would be for us is or if we should just stay silent about it. But I feel like we’re not making progress anymore and keep running into walls whenever I try to work with my system like we are not conditioned in that sense.

Even typing this out I’m terrified I just sound delusional and psychotic I’m so sorry

[starryk1sses]

I’m terrified I don’t have DID and I’m just in psychosis.

I’m scared if I believe our abuse memories then that would mean that I’m choosing to believe a delusion and a lie.

I’m so scared that I’m just making it all up.

[starryk1sses]

“Damaged people are dangerous.

They know how to make hell feel like home.”

I found this quote in my notes app from years ago. Idk where it came from but it hit hard.

[august-zip]

DID is more than just having parts. Its also,

• amnesia

• confusion

• headaches

• nausea

• repeated childhood trauma

• anxiety

• spikes in fear. Anger. Or shame

• mood swings from parts

• body dysphoria

• depersonalization

• derealization

• self puzzlement

• loss of control

• flashbacks

• dizziness

And more.

DID is not "friends in your head" its traumatic, scary and uncomfortable. Its not fun it's a terrifying TRAUMA BASED disorder. And it should never be romanticized - Vesper

[starryk1sses]

I thought of a good analogy for something I in particular experienced within our system.

Usually, when trying to map out or understand our system better I will suddenly feel like my mind is being spun, twisted, scrambled, and foggy.

It leads to significant distress and desperation to make it stop.

The analogy I thought of is like imagine a room full of people and you are the observer outside of that room. Between you and the people inside the room is a glass wall. Whenever you try to look too much at the people inside the room, the glass starts to morph, twist, and distort your perception. Leaving you only able to see an abstract blur of the people inside the room.

I’m not sure why this happens. Or if anyone else even experiences anything similar. But that is the best way I’ve learned to describe our personal experience.