we are strong

here to support and uplift any and all wlw dealing with past or present abuse.

[abusedsapphics-archive]

this blog is officially inactive, as it has been for the past few years. if it's helped you, circulate the resources and knowledge from it freely. if you still need help, my ask box on my personal account will always be open, and i'll do my best to respond in a timely manner. current url & for the foreseeable @ potauchocolat !

[heavyweightheart]

A not-at-all comprehensive list of possibilities for communicating distress around body image that are not the hurtful & nonsensical “I feel fat”:

I am afraid of taking up space

I feel exposed

I feel unsafe

I don’t feel heard

I feel rejected

I feel like I’m coming out of my skin

I feel the need to escape [my body, this room, this situation]

I don’t want to be here right now

I am experiencing overwhelming shame

I am afraid of not meeting people’s standards

I feel grief/shame that x aspect of my body is stigmatized

I keep hearing other people’s judgments of my body in my head

My judgments of my body are so loud right now

My eating disorder is being so cruel

I’m afraid of my hunger

I feel out of control

I feel that I’ve failed to do the “right” behaviors

I am feeling unable to trust my body

I feel grief, anger, etc.

I need to cry, yell, etc.

I’m afraid I’m unlovable 

I fear that I’m “bad” and my body must be “bad” too

I am angry at/afraid of my body for being the site of my trauma

[butchwifing]

If you can’t imagine saying no, set up some practice situations. Get a friend to roleplay with you. Try a scene in which you are asked– or told– to do something you don’t want to do. Then say no. Pay attention to the feelings that come up, but say no anyway. If you find yourself thinking “I just can’t say no,” ask yourself why not. What would happen if you said no?[…] Talk about your feelings, and then say no anyway. Try reversing roles. Listen to the way your friend says no. Try out her style. Then watch for situations in your life in which you want to say no. Start with what’s easiest and build up to the harder ones.[…] If you’ve been taking care of other people and saying yes all your life, you may encounter some angry resistance when you start to say no. People may say you were nicer before. They may say you’re being selfish, that they prefer the “old” you. On the other hand, you might find that your honesty and clarity is respected by friends who are glad that you are finally taking care of yourself.

from The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis (via butchhousewife)

[a-time-for-speaking-out-blog]

I feel like so much of trauma recovery for adults who’ve been traumatized is “you are not the only one who feels this way, this is normal.”

But for adults who were traumatized as children, there is an important experience of learning that it is in fact, not normal. It’s good to not feel alone, to find people who get it and to not feel crazy, but the process of going through who you are and picking out the things you had accepted as normal that are definitely not is so important.

I’ll never forget the moment that I realized people have happy dreams, like frequently. Or the day I realized that most people sleep through the night like almost all of the time. Those were really sad moments, but they were really important too, because they made me understand that I am not crazy. Something bad happened, and it changed me.

It’s okay to be different, it’s okay if the trauma changed you, but if you are running a race with a broken legand beating yourself up because you aren’t as fast are the other runners something needs to change. Realizing you are different is the first step to figuring out how to heal

[radical--acceptance]

[heavyweightheart]

skills for coping with harsh negative judgments about the self, even something like the practice of asking “who profits off of this emotion?”, are not meant to make the experience just go away. they’re meant to interrupt our automatic thought processes, to put some space between us and our programming. they make the cracks which let a little light in.

it took many years of messaging to fill us with shame about ourselves and our bodies, and to indoctrinate us to blame ourselves for failing to meet oppressive standards which we were never given the choice to assent to or reject. it will also take years, and a different kind of messaging, to undo that damage. 

the new kind of messaging–like critical-theoretical questions and honest affirmations–can become habitual with time and practice. even then they might not always feel true, tho you know intellectually that they are. it’s okay and in fact very productive to say “i know one thing, but i’m feeling another”. that’s all we can do. it’s this process thru which our sense of self and embodiment moves toward freedom

[imafuckingdoctor]

What to do when you’re overwhelmed

Do not blame yourself: I don’t want you saying “oh why am I like this” or “why is this happening to me” because believe me everyone goes through this. Yes even the people who seemingly have their shit together.

Stop: stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing, take 5 minutes to just breathe. I know it seems impractical but 5 minutes out of 24 hours is nothing

Ask yourself why: in order to sort this out you must know what’s causing it, for me it’s usually something short term (like having so much to do in one day or a quiz in a few days) or to a lesser extent something long term (anything surgery related gives me anxiety or maybe I have a lot of social events during an upcoming exam period)

HOW TO DEAL: a change of routine + planning.

Change of routine: that can include anything from going away for a couple of days to completely switching up your daily routine (mine is here for inspo, also this is my study routine it could help.) I say this because there’s a slight chance that what you’re doing at the moment is not working for you, so reflect and look back to what exactly led to this point.

Planning: I don’t mean the get yourself a fancy notebook and doodle all over the place type of planning (by all means if that’s your thing and it helps you, do it!). I literally just write down what I have to do anywhere if I have so many things for one day and check them off as I go and this helps SO much. For the long term things I try to develop a strategy going into them, meticulously planning out your days when in a time crunch is soooo important (also allocate 2 extra hours to finish up because usually we think we can get a lot done but irl it doesn’t happen)

Avoid this in the future:

Don’t overwork yourself (check this post out)

Don’t allow yourself to think negative thoughts

You now have an action plan (like the one we give patients with bronchial asthma lol #baddoctorjokes) ready. You got this.

Find some stress relief, yoga, gym, videogames, Netflix .. whatever floats your boat here.

Know that everything eventually ends, this big test will happen, this school year will be over someday. Nothing lasts forever.

“This too shall pass”

@ the anon who sent me a question, thank you so much for inspiring me to write this post! My ask box is always open, feel free to ask me anything!

[the-moon-loves-the-sea]

If no one taught you how to nurture yourself it honestly works fantastically to take care of yourself like a pet. Feed yourself, get outside, go for walks, play, get company for yourself sometimes, get enough water, put yourself to bed on time but don’t be hard on yourself if you’re restless at night, teach yourself new tricks slowly and one at a time, give yourself breaks after you do something difficult, get yourself to the doctor, groom yourself gently and with appreciation for your softness and fragility, protect yourself from aggressive strangers if you can, notice the signs of stress and fear in yourself and give yourself comfort. Make a corner for yourself that’s safe and warm and restful. Correct yourself when you misbehave, but always tell yourself you are good.

[lovenotereminders]

You’re allowed to love yourself and still be aware of your flaws. You’re allowed to love yourself and still want to improve yourself. Loving yourself doesn’t mean you’ve attained everything you want to attain, it means supporting and taking care of yourself as you continue on your journey to self-improvement, instead of trying to improve out of a dislike of yourself. You don’t have to be perfect to be deserving of self-love. You can appreciate the positive things about yourself and still be aware of and work on your flaws. People can love others whilst still being aware that they’re flawed and imperfect, so people should be allowed to love themselves that way too. 

[pastperfectcontinuous]

People can forgive toxic parents, but they should do it at the conclusion—not at the beginning—of their emotional housecleaning. People need to get angry about what happened to them. They need to grieve over the fact that they never had the parental love they yearned for. They need to stop diminishing or discounting the damage that was done to them. Too often, “forgive and forget” means “pretend it didn’t happen.”

I also believe that forgiveness is appropriate only when parents do something to earn it. Toxic parents, especially the more abusive ones, need to acknowledge what happened, take responsibility, and show a willingness to make amends. If you unilaterally absolve parents who continue to treat you badly, who deny much of your reality and feelings, and who continue to project blame onto you, you may seriously impede the emotional work you need to do. If one or both parents are dead, you can still heal the damage, by forgiving yourself and releasing much of the hold that they had over your emotional well-being.

At this point, you may be wondering, understandably, if you will remain bitter and angry for the rest of your life if you don’t forgive your parents. In fact, quite the opposite is true. What I have seen over the years is that emotional and mental peace comes as a result of releasing yourself from your toxic parents’ control, without necessarily having to forgive them. And that release can come only after you’ve worked through your intense feelings of outrage and grief and after you’ve put the responsibility on their shoulders, where it belongs.

—Susan Forward, “Toxic Parents”

[selflovewarrior]

[closet-keys]

When Is It Abuse?

When their controlling, disrespectful, or degrading behavior is a pattern.

When a person is taking advantage of a power imbalance to exploit or control you.

When someone starts to exercise power over you in a way that causes harm to you and creates a privileged status for themselves.

When they retaliate against you complaining about their behavior by increasing the behavior, punishing you, mocking you, or switching into the role of the victim.

When they tell you that your objections to their mistreatment are your own problem.

When they give apologies that sound insincere or angry and demand you accept them.

When they blame you for the impact of their behavior.

When it’s never the right time or the right way to bring things up.

When they undermine your progression in life.

When they deny their behavior.

When they claim you made them behave how they did.

When they touch you in anger or put fear in you in other ways.

When they coerce you into sex or sexually assault you.

When you show signs of being abused.

What are the signs of being abused?

Being afraid of them.

Distancing yourself from friends or family because they make those relationships difficult.

Experiencing your level of energy and motivation declining and feeling depressed.

Experiencing your self-opinion declining so you’re always fighting to be good enough and prove yourself.

Finding yourself constantly preoccupied with the relationship and how to fix it.

Feeling like you can’t do anything right.

Feeling like all problems in your relationship are your fault.

Repeatedly leaving arguments feeling like you’ve been messed with, but not being able to figure out why.

*from Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

[stimman3000]

honestly i think the most validating thing ive ever heard was “good parents don’t have to try to convince their children they weren’t abused” so yknow. remember that.

[memes-to-show-my-therapist]

Advice for self harm? I’ll spare you the details but I scratch myself pretty bad.

Patterns of self-harm can be really difficult to break. I know at least for me personally it became a sort of addiction.

I self-harmed in one form or another for the majority of my life and at this point I’m a few days shy of celebrating two years without it which I never thought was possible.

Obviously if you have the resources to see a mental health professional and aren’t right now, I would definitely recommend that. They can be a source of information on alternative coping mechanisms as well as accountability and providing a safe space for you to look into the cause or the function that self-harm is serving in your life.

Personally, some of what helped me the most when I felt like hurting myself was pretty basic. Being around people if I was able to (even if I was alone in public), a lot of waiting for the urge to pass which can feel maddening, but like any other feeling can’t last forever just by nature of the brain, or any type of distraction I could get wrapped up in.

When it was really intense, I would put ice on my face (I know sometimes it’s recommended to press ice onto the area that you wanted to harm, but that wasn’t usually great for me) or I’ve stuck my face in ice water. I know that probably sounds sort of strange, but there are nerves in your face that run under your eyes and in the back of your neck and they more or less control blood flow to your brain, so applying cold in those areas forces the blood going to your brain to slow down and therefor forces your thoughts to slow down.

Those are what I did to avoid or even put off self-harming in the moment at least. I think it’s important long term to be able to acknowledge progress and harm reduction. It can be really easy to feel like self-harming at all is a failure, but many people aren’t able to stop conditioned coping mechanisms abruptly and I think that’s fairly normal. Even if you put off acting on an urge for a bit longer than you usually do, or self-harmed a couple less times in a week, month, etc., that is still progress. Recovery from anything is rarely linear and I think giving yourself credit where credit is due and not sitting in the shame, disappointment, or whatever of acting on something at all for a long period of time can be really important in efforts to break the cycle.

Additional harm reduction thing: please take care of yourself medically if you need to (ie bandages, getting antibiotics if there’s an infection, seeking emergency medical intervention if needed, etc.). That sort of thing was hard for me to do, but it’s a form of caring for yourself and your body even when times are hard.

[sadiepickles]

Hey. I have type two bipolar and have been improving since I was diagnosed in 2011 but right now I’ve hit a crater. I’m more depressed than I have been in literal years. Do you have any advice? Or just...I don’t know anything

a) Medication update. If you are medicated, as time goes by your body ingests medications differently and you might require a different dose. When did things start getting worse?

b) Track your moods so you can get a better handle on this and notice patterns. My depression always spikes at night. My anxiety always spikes before I leave my house. Can you keep some sort of log?

c) Reach out to friends and family if you can and open a dialogue about how you’re feeling. It might be excruciatingly awkward at first. But it’s good to have people who are aware of your symptoms and there for you. Worst case scenario? Somebody buys you a pity lunch. Don’t forget the guac. 

d) Support groups/group therapy. NAMI and DBSA have free support groups depending on where you are (if you’re in the US). You might have a local mental health center with group therapy. Nothing compares to being surrounded by people who understand because they’re going through the same things you are. I wouldn’t know anything about Bipolar Disorder without stories from others. It puts things in perspective. 

e) Handy list of self care activities. So when I was at the height of my depression I felt bad constantly and I felt like I was constantly running away from my intrusive thoughts, poor self talk, self harm thoughts, and ruminating thoughts moment by moment. So when I felt the urge to interrupt a thought, I would have a mental list of activities I would just do automatically. You can train yourself to be more mindful with activities when you feel bad. This is called behavioral activation. Making tea, taking a walk, playing with the cat, text a friend, read a book, play a specific feel good song, etc. These can be personal to you.

f) New hobbies. You might have to force yourself to try at first. Exercise, thrift stores, reading, and cooking are some of mine. Get into a routine. Read before bed. Go to thrift stores on Saturday. Structure is crucial in depression.

g) Set goals. Whether it’s employment or creative or just self fulfillment goals, you need to have something you’re working towards to keep your mind active. This can be whatever you want it to be.  

h) Mantras. When I was at the height of my depression, I used mantras to self soothe and eliminate my ruminating thoughts and intrusive thoughts, as well as redirect my activities. When your brain gives you a terrible thought, you have to challenge it and when you challenge it, you’ll get so good at it that the negative thoughts won’t hit as hard. They can be as strange or personal as you want. “I don’t want to think about my trauma, I want to think about the Sumatran tigers at the zoo.” “I don’t want to hurt myself, I want to make a cup of tea.” “I’m just going to sketch out a new project and start on it and everything will be okay.” “I’m feeling tired right now but Thursday is my day off and I’m going to get a great start on the project on Thursday.” “I am a nice person and I deserve to be happy.” “I’m a good person and I’m not capable of being as bad as my intrusive thoughts say I am.” You have to keep repeating it. 

i) Therapy. This is obvious. If you can afford it, go. 

Don’t beat yourself up if your recovery is going really slow. When you’re deep in the pit of depression, it’s hard to get out. But establishing good self talk habits, getting your meds straight, setting goals, and investing in hobbies are some good steps to take. Hope this helps. 

[autumntides]

Needing help is not parasitism. Needing help is the default for a social animal. The problem comes from disregard — disregard for the pleasure and comfort of helping others, or disregard for your own needs and desires to make room for others. You don’t need to worry about how much you give and take, only that you do in fact do both, train both, flex both. Our lives all make different demands of us. Our lives proceed in different rhythms. That’s why we band and bond in the first place. To avoid the trap of the perfect taker and the perfect giver latching on to each other and perfectly self-harming, you must not act with disregard. That is all.

[uglyfruit]