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[accursed-creator]

A moment of clarity

Last night, I had a thought that changed my perspective on everything. A moment where my fate became clear to me. Though, I still believe that I must live a lonely life without a companion to love and cherish me, I understood this:

That was what was holding me back.

You see, I am a singer. I hope to one day be a musician. I have fallen for many musicians like me, but they have turned down my affection. That is ok, but I never really understood. If we are similar, why not? Then I realized why they did. My potential was being put off, not only by that desire, but by my fear. My fear of rejection and disapproval of others. Maybe that’s why they declined, to focus more on their musical paths. Or just out of lack in interest. But, I now know that’s what I was meant for, that I was made for more. I am more than what others view me as. Of course, I still wish to have a romantic partner, but I know that that dream can get in the way of my other dreams. Sure, I will have my days of acceptance and my days of denial, but I must understand one day. I know some argue that you can do what you love to do and be loved at the same time, but my fate is not akin to your fate. And that is ok.

Fate is a wonderful thing.

[accursed-creator]

The Man in My Bed

The man in my bed holds me tight

Never lets me go, never lets me go

He brushes my hair aside and kisses my ear

He tells me sweet words, of promises that weigh on my heart

“I love you. I love you.”

The man in my bed stays there all day

In the night, we sleep, dreaming of better places

In the morning, he tells me to stay

Please stay, please stay

The Man in My Bed

How I wish you were real

But you are a figment

And I am just sleeping here

[accursed-creator]

Fate

Fate is a wonderful thing. For some, it means you are going to reach greatness. Career success, friendships that last a lifetime, and fortune, just to name a couple of possibilities. I must admit I am selfish. There is one thing I desire more than anything, no matter how much I express disdain. I want to be loved. I want someone to be mine, and I, theirs.

Fate is persistent, yet can be deterred by change. But fate comes at a cost. You have to get there no matter what. Destiny. Destiny is how you go about changing or defying fate. Only you can control your destiny, I once heard someone say, but how can I control my destiny if it won’t allow someone to look my way? To want to cherish my presence and protect my innocence?

I only wish to be loved, but my fate is nought.

[accursed-creator]

Accursed creator! Why did you form a monster so hideous that even YOU turned from me in disgust? God, in pity, made man beautiful and alluring, after his own image; but my form is filthy type of yours, more horrid even from the very resemblance.”

-Mary Shelley, Author of Frankenstein, or the Modern Prometheus

[accursed-creator]

Vent inspired by Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein

I was never meant to be loved.

That’s what I believe God Almighty would say to my face if I got the chance to ask him. My hideous, ugly face. A face that can be viewed, but never loved. A face that few seem to face so courageously, yet they do not wish to hold.

Does my desperation make you laugh? Is desperation entertainment to those who get what they want? Or am I simply making more of a fool of myself? Yes, I wish to be touched. Chaste or vulgar, it does not matter. I long for someone to do what I have always done to myself. I wish to have company. An intimate company that I can let loose around. Company that I do not have to worry will mock or degrade me. And I wish to not die alone.

These are all simple enough. But to someone who is loved, it is nothing but someone to laugh at.