Evergreen Blues

"For love, to the sacrifice of my life"

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Love

This past summer I went through a rather unfortunate break- up. What kills me most was that I did not even plan on this. I did not want to do it. But on a mild September night, my heart came spilling out in words and tears and suddenly, it was over.

I am beyond fortunate that he was understanding and loving. But, at the time, I really wanted him to hate me. I wanted him to call me names and be anything but understanding, because that would make it easier on my end. To have some sort of concrete affirmation that this relationship was not healthy, would have been a sort of consolation that what I was doing was the right thing to do.

It didn’t occur to me at the time that to truly love another person is never easy.

What is love? So many people sing about love, teach about love, study love, paint love, preach love, and want love; but what is it that we’re really talking about here?

St. Thomas Aquinas said that to love is to will the good of the other.

My personal experience has confirmed this statement.

Friendship has persisted and we go for whole weeks without contact. This is a healthy male/ female, non- romantic relationship and I hope that it continues to be so. I pray for him every day. For good things in his life; above all else, for love.

So, when he told me the other day that he has a new girlfriend, my first emotion was joy. It was what I had been praying for. He was joking and promptly showed me the picture of a friend’s baby girl who he had played with the day before. The joy I felt at his statement, however, confirmed something big for me.

I actually love this person. Not just the vain, holding- hands, fluff that makes up a lot of what we call romance; but real love, painful love, love that wants and wills good things for others.

It occurs to me that this love really began, not when we started dating, but rather, when I finally broke up with him. It wasn’t all about me. How could it be when breaking up was what was best for both of us? It’s hard to say all of this without going into loads of detail about why the relationship may not have been good for us.

Long story short, we were living in a bubble. It was a nice bubble, filled with coffee, and adventure, and books, and beauty and kissing. Actually, it was a pretty great bubble. But it was a bubble. Outside the bubble there were issues; there were parents, there was sickness, there was debt, there was sin, there was family and there were so many other terrible and beautiful things that we were avoiding, afraid that our bubble would burst. Long story short, I could not share him with my family, which was killing me inside because I loved them both. I was willing to face whatever ridicule would come to myself…but I absolutely refused to let him be a point of contention (nor did he want that role, to be the object of disagreement/discord between me and my loved ones. And it would have come to that…I am relentlessly stubborn sometimes).

In the end, we both crucified ourselves on crosses of our own making by ending a relationship that neither of us wanted to let go of.

I wanted what was good for him, and although we got along great and made one another extremely happy, perhaps perfect happiness isn’t always what is good. I know that sounds crazy. Like…isn’t happiness the ultimate goal in human life?

Happiness is a big part of our goals and fuels us to chase after what we most desire. But no, it is not the ultimate goal, and this experience is brightening my heart daily to the terrible and beautiful reality that life is about willing good for others, it is about true love. The love of offering yourself daily at the altar of self- giving. To hand over everything that could make you happy in exchange for love.

Of course love involves happiness, but love is not measured by how happy we are. Love is measured by how much good we make for one another…no matter what emotions are involved. In fact, it can be argued that the harder the decision and the most sacrifice involved in the will, the more love is actually present.

Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like the right choice and I wonder if I will ever meet another human person who understands me so well as he does. It scares me that this isn’t exactly likely and that I may be forced into some sort of wild change in order to connect with someone else...or maybe I never will. I feel like I’ve been lead to some rickety old bridge, over a canyon, covered in fog. Who on earth knows what is out here or if my next step will be secured by an actual board.

But then I have moment of hope for both of us as I pray and I know that we really want what is best for each other. So, in the end there is love, which is all that matters and which is all that is needed.

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About two years ago, I had the wonderful opportunity to go to a place called Medjugorje in Bosnia/ Herzegovina. Naturally, going to Europe is is always appealing, especially when you’re young, but this particular trip was particularly appealing and not because it was European.     What made this trip so wonderful and so attractive was the fact that it was a pilgrimage. It was a religious journey to visit none other than the Blessed Virgin Mary herself. Call me crazy.     I know most people could care less about religion (especially most young adults) but the more I look at the world around me, the more I realize how very necessary it is that we do pray and we do turn to our Bl. Mother. She is the Queen of Peace.         Now, the unique thing about Medjugorje is that Mary is currently appearing there...like now. She will actually be appearing tomorrow morning around 6 am (?). All of the other pilgrimages you have heard of, except for this one, is a historical one. Mary did appear at Lourdes, she did appear at Fatima, she did appear at Guadalupe. All of these places are tremendously beautiful and 100% significant, and healing and grace pour from them daily.

    But Medjugorje was particularly attractive to me because she was actually going to be there.

    One of my huge takeaways from this trip involved one of the little miracles that Medjugorje is known for. It has happened on several occasions that, after buying a perfectly average rosary with a silver colored chain, that chain would turn to gold. While on our pilgrimage, our guide shared a beautiful story like this which she had witnessed. “But”, she said “it doesn’t matter if your rosary turns to gold. It does not matter if all of your rosaries turn to gold. It is your heart that needs to turn to gold. That is what truly matters.”

    I had received a rosary as a gift from an anonymous source, while I was over there. The beads are purple glass and the chain was silver in color. Not long ago, I saw that the chain had turned to.......brass. Of course, the silver chain was not real silver after all, simply paint, and it was bound to wear away at some point. As you already know, brass is gold in color, and I was not deceived for a minute by my vanity (though maybe for a second. I would have very much relished the thought that I was deemed worthy to receive this miracle).     But no sooner had the gold appeared than the words of the guide came back to my thoughts. And I had to smile “a heart of gold”. How can one get such a thing?     By prayer.     Prayer is the way to holiness, prayer is the way to virtue. If you want to become good, you must pray. And the more you pray, the more the paint chips off of your rosary to reveal the gold beneath. It was a brilliant little reminder from my Lady.      Be vigilant. Keep praying; especially when is seems like you shouldn’t, especially when people ask you not to, and especially when you feel worthless and undeserving. Prayer is the weapon. Pray. Pray. Pray.      Peace and all good.

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Q:”Can I have a dog?” A:”No...”

     Let me start off by saying that I am not a mom. I have zero children and I do not presume to tell parents how to do their jobs. You know yourself and your family better than anyone. What I am writing is based on my experience as a child. I’ve been  someone’s child for 24 years and I’m getting to a point where I can see some of the smaller flaws of my upbringing. I was raised by humans, flaws were bound to happen.      Now, on to the main conversation.

     Recently, my sister and I proposed the idea of getting chickens, to our parents. We are always buying local eggs from farmers....why not just cut out the middle man and get some hens? Dad’s response “No. It’s a lot of work.”      I know this answer. I’ve had a lot of experience with it over the years. When I asked for a dog, the answer was the same; “No. Dogs are too much work.”      I understand this response. As a parent, most if not all of your children’s “projects” get piled onto your load at some point and what you really mean is that having a dog is a lot of work for you. It’s work on top of the work that you’re already doing as a spouse, as a parent, as a member of a community and as an employee. Up until the chicken conversation, this response made total sense to me. It wasn’t until then that I realized what a bad response this is to give to a kid who really desires a pet (or anything really).

     Why?      It’s simple; from what I can see, by saying “No. We can’t have a dog because a dog is too much work”, you are teaching your child very negative views about life.      This response tells your child that work is bad. We do not want work. Work is hard and work is un- enjoyable, period. By saying this, you are teaching your child to despise work. Work ought to be avoided at all costs. It teaches that work is not rewarding.      But while having a dog is work, it’s also fun. Actually, it’s similar to having children. Work? Definitely. But there is joy and there is even greater joy because of the work put into the things that we love. No one would have babies if they thought that childbearing was just constant drudgery. Having responsibility will bear fruit if you do it right.

     The better response: Maybe tell them that dogs cost a lot of money and encourage them to earn money, through working. This is a twofold financial lesson for them and part of it involves building a healthy work ethic. Maybe you do not want to share financial hardship with your child. I do not believe that this is the case here particularly because you are talking about affording a luxury, not an necessity. For most people, it is an inconvenient financial burden to pay for an extra creature that’s constantly consuming with no output. This is not the same as discussing your financial problems with your child.

     There are somethings about reality that you definitely want to teach your children before the world smacks them in the face with it. But do not teach them to hold work in contempt. What do you think?

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     I find that branching out in my reading is important. There is a wealth of experience out there and I am unable to experience it all for myself. So, I read this book, hoping that it would get me through a number of personal battles. It helped me out in many ways and even if it had not, I appreciate it for itself anyway. I do not agree with every choice the author made in her life, I do not love every detail; I am not concerned by this. If everyone were completely the same, there would be no growth. One can never discount another’s  human experience, whether we agree with it all of it’s elements or not. Some books will move you to tears at some moments and even if it heals just that little bit, it is worth it.

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     I am currently reading a wonderful book about searching for and maintaining peace. This morning I came upon a chapter that held much personal significance as I currently have a loved one who is suffering from illness.  The passage this morning explained how it is important to distinguish between true and false humility, and true and false compassion.      First of all, in order to maintain one’s peace at all, we have to have complete abandonment to God. Abandonment must be complete or it is not at all. The author quotes Psalm 23, The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want...      As a caregiver, this is particularly difficult for it is all too easy to fall into despair. I’ve had my own breakdowns over the past few months and they have not been small. When the reality of what is going on hits me, I usually need to rush off to someplace private to fall apart and collect myself again. Breakdowns become more frequent as health declines.This, I feel is true of many of us. And this is natural. To be sad is human. Jesus wept.      But the false compassion slips into the moments, for me and the rest of my family. We will pray for a miraculous healing, we will pray for a cure. We do this without complete abandonment. We do it out of fear. We do it because we are afraid that the light of our lives will be blown out and that we will be lost on dark waters instead of led to verdant pastures. We forget that the light of our lives is Christ living in my mother and that it will go one even if she does not.      In the same way we try to do everything that is within our power to make her better. We are not doctors but we check to make sure that she has taken the proper medications, that she is doing her physical therapy, that she is drinking enough water. So many times this too is done out of fear. We fear that if we do not follow through with these things exactly, then she will certainly die.      The problem with this false compassion is that it steals my peace. It is the one thing that my loved one needs the most and the one thing that I am withholding. So, I readjust my focus. Realistically speaking, it is cancer, there is nothing that I can do to change that. Period. The best I can do is make this beautiful woman comfortable and happy. That’s it.      Certainly, I can pray for her well-being and even a cure to her disease, but I must do so with true compassion and peace; abandoning myself to God’s will (which may very well be that she go home to Him). Praying out of fear is out of the question. Prayers are never wasted and God always hears our call but there is a strong difference between a daughter who calls upon her Father because she literally doubts that He will provide for her in all things and is afraid that she will be without, and a daughter that calls upon Him in faith certain that He will support her not matter how the situation plays out.

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     Ma always says “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.” Little did I know, all the times I have heard this statement, how true and how  understated it actually was.      Some people are lucky, they see a bright green frog who seems to be everything that they’re looking for and then *poof*. Prince. They only have to do this once in their entire lives and they are very fortunate. However, this is not the case for most of us.      Most of us like to think that we do not fit into the “most of us” category, but we do. At one time or another we all, even “some of us”, wind up in the “most of us” category. To my own current disappointment, I find myself here when it comes to having dating troubles.      The frogs I have encountered have been just frogs, and unfortunately one turned into a prince, but he’s not my prince anymore. And don’t worry, the thought has occurred to me that that was it for me. I mean, how many magic frog- princes is one entitled to? I’ve even had the experience where I have met princes and found myself wishing that maybe they were a little more down to earth, goofy, and, well, frog- like.      Then there are the frogs I cannot even catch and the ones who insist on hopping all over me in their bog soaked glory (am I not sending very obvious “leave me alone please” signals right now?). There are so many frogs and I really wish it were just easier.      If you’re on this frog laden boat right now, please know that you are not alone. I don’t know what the end result is going to be (and I sure hope that you aren’t just kissing any old frog that hops into your lap) but I know that there will be an end and, more importantly, you will be okay no matter what the end will be. Peace.

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painting by Frederic E. Church

     Today, I wanted to write something, but was unsure as to what I should write about. Going to Olana cleared up my head and my heart a bit. I was somewhat bogged down by negative things going on in my world and the world at large; the “Trending” section of Facebook is often more frustrating than it is helpful.      At 8:30 this morning I wanted to rant about several things. However, I deleted my words and left the house unsatisfied.      Looking back on my morning, I think it had to do with my desire to complain. When we’re experiencing adversity, in any of its forms, we think we will somehow feel better if we just tell someone about it. ‘This made me feel angry’ or ‘That bothered me. How can people be like that.”      At, 8:30 in the morning, I had no one to complain to but my computer and then, wouldn’t I just be joining the chorus of voices in their litany of complaints about the world we live in.      Yes, this is an imperfect world, and it always will be. We will never get it completely right. This is okay. It’s the way that things are supposed to be since they can’t be the way that they’re supposed to be i.e. perfect. Perfection was ruined for us long ago, it’s time to move past it enough so that we are not so full of bitterness.       To achieve this mindset, I suggest going to see something beautiful. Go to an art museum, hike, surround yourself with nature, music and peace. Go to a church and just sit inside, letting the history and architecture seep into your soul, even if you refuse to let God. Go appreciate something and know that this world is good and was well made, and be thankful.

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Olana, NYS Historic Site

[alwaysabeautifullife]

Be simple, be humble, and bring joy to others.

St. Madeleine Sophie Barat (via alwaysabeautifullife)

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           Eat well : )

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     Good morning, angels. So, I wanted to share some reflections before we get too far away from the Christmas season. The season is now officially over, as the Feast of the Epiphany has passed and we enter into Ordinary Time on the Church calendar.     

     Still, some of my journaling has involved Christmas in one way or another.

     I have been reading from the book of Sirach (Ecclesiasticus). In reading Chapter 23 it struck me how it is so often tempting to abandon God and allow false mindsets to fall in. The questions have occurred to me “Why do good because you fear a god’s wrath or are seeking a god’s reward?”,  “Why not be good because it is the right thing to do?”      This particular Chapter brings forth these questions in my modern, American mind, for in it I am warned that evil actions will be met with equal justice from God (and rewarded with good if I do good). So how am I to reconcile Sirach’s words with the questions in my heart?      I remember a huge scandal, back when I was in high school, of an atheist group in the city putting advertisements on buses that read “Be good for goodness’ sake.” The point was “Don’t be good because it means you’ll go to heaven, that’s basically selfish”. I didn’t really like it and I didn’t totally hate it either, but I could not explain why at the time.      Perhaps it is my own gross  misunderstanding of who God is that makes me wonder why I ought to do good things for Him.       After some reflection, new questions came into my heart “Who makes one thing right and another wrong?”, “Why is right and wrong, good and evil, established in the first place?” Some will remark that this is part of our evolution as social creatures, and I agree, but again, why?      We say that God is good, and Sirach points out “... the eyes of the Lord [the God who is called “good” and “love”] are ten thousand times brighter than the sun; they look upon all the ways of man and perceive even the hidden places.” (Sir 23:19)      The author is speaking of God, seeing our evil actions, even if they are hidden, and knowing our hearts as they truly are. So, it’s safe to say that God is not fooled by hypocrisy (acts done purely for show in order to garner attention and a spot in heaven according to the eyes of men).      God is “good”. That is to say that goodness is the essence of who God is, just as love is, just as love is also good. If I am to be truly good in this life, than I must be as God is. And to do good things for this God, hoping to join Him in heaven, is not selfish, for God desires to be with us, so much so that He sent His Son to die for us. My desire to be with Him in Heaven is a response to this. Likewise, to fear hell is to fear being without God (for that is what hell is. It is a place where God is not because we have chosen to be apart from Him). To fear hell is to fear being without Goodness, without Love. Though Christ suffered on the cross, He always had Love; His suffering was Love. To be without Love is a different kind of suffering and it is beyond my comprehension what it would be like to be without Love for all eternity.      When I fear hell for doing evil or seek a heavenly reward for doing good, I am not looking for the approval of an earthly lord or a social media sensation. I am not groveling to the feet of pomp or seeking the attention of the rich man in the sky. Rather, when I fear God’s justice, I fear the justice of Goodness Himself. Can I really, truly be found “good” in the sight of Goodness? And to seek the reward of Goodness and Love, there is no nobler quest than this. Who would scorn another for seeking Goodness and Love in its fullness and truth?      God is God and I am not. Even though I was made in His image and likeness, there are some very serious differences. He is perfect Goodness and Christ is perfect Goodness, Incarnate. It is arrogance to think I can epitomize goodness by taking God out of the equation entirely, claiming goodness as my own or something I can accomplish on my own. It is ignorance to follow a term, such as “goodness” if it has no roots in something greater; its meaning and essence can change from moment to moment and it floats upon the wind like a leaf, instead of being rooted in the ground like a tree.      When it is said “Be good for goodness’ sake” I remember that “goodness” has a Creator; He is Goodness and all that is good comes from Him. His name is God.

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Photography by Julien Mauve Part of a series titled Headland of Dreams

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Hugh Holland Photography

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[crwsly]

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     What if I was this way before I left college?

     It’s a question that keeps playing in my head these days. I keep wondering what would have happened if I was the person that I am now. How much better could things have turned out? Would I have this much stress in my life, this much conflict, this much confusion? The answer is that these questions cannot be answered and never can be answered. So, ultimately, it is totally pointless to give them any  time.      I went for a walk the other day and I was thinking about all of the opportunities that might have been. What if I had the confidence back then that I have now? Would that guy think of approaching me, dating me, marrying me? Making my relationship acceptable to my parents, my family, my friends?      And then, almost immediately, as if it had always been there and was just waiting for me to discover it; I realized that I am in love with someone and maybe acceptability isn’t one of the “pros” in this relationship, but I actually love him and I’m actually really glad that none of those other situations worked out.       I am the person I am meant to be and that might make me attractive to a hundred more guys, but honestly, I’m very much in love and I’m not mourning any losses here. And I’m learning to be okay with that. I am learning to be content with just being...happy. It’s weird.       I’m so used to wanting things, wanting love, that when it is actually in my life, it is a very alien presence. And maybe that is good too. Maybe love should always be a little alien, a little different and new, a little challenging, confusing and conflicting.