[ erich gonzales, cis woman, she/her ] - was that maria adella hayag i saw by the lighthouse today? i heard that the twenty-eight year old who has been in nightrest for her whole life and works as a waitress at mama’s (currently a server at medusa) has a reputation of being resourceful, but also credulous. they reside in fog gate & people in town usually associate them with hair wrapped up in a messy bun, pastel colors, being bathed in sunlight during golden hour & a constant yearning. let’s hope the killer doesn’t go after them next.
trigger warnings: -
BASICS
full name: maria adella hayag
nickname: adee
date of birth: january 11, 1996
gender: cis woman
pronouns: she/her
occupation: waitress at mama’s (will be that again when it reopens), currently a server at medusa
birthplace: nightrest, massachusetts
sexuality: bisexual
height: 5′2″
BACKGROUND
the only child of two immigrants who made it big in the investment world, eventually putting up their own business which made them ridiculously wealthy, very much a rags to riches story that they told adee more times than the they told the story of how they met
however, her parents were arrested on counts of securities fraud and racketeering a year ago, leaving adee here to fend for herself
she grew up feeling very average. she didn't have the highest grades in her class, but she didn't struggle. she could do sports, but she didn't excel
the only thing she excelled at was being pretty which was why her mom was a bit of a helicopter mom growing up, pushing her to get into pageants and being a beauty queen
adee hated every single minute of it, not so much because of feeling pretty but because that was the ONLY thing people seemed to like her for / thought she was good for
her mom wanted her to try her hand at being a print model eventually but she truly didn't want that life and adee decided to take up business at harvard instead, which her dad fully supported and her mom eventually supported too
she worked in marketing for a couple of years until her parent’s arrest and her life turned into a very, very sad story of riches to rags
sure, she could’ve saved up her own salary but she never thought she had to, because of the life she had grown up being used to
she was spending all of it all the time because she never had any cause to believe she’d have to live differently. very much a #treatyoself kind of person
she tried to continue working in the business world but she felt their judgment everyday because of what happened with her parents and she hated it, which was why she quit, ended up trying to hide herself by working small time jobs
she dogsits, catsits, housesits, all the sits tbh and has been a waitress for the past year, been very meticulous with her savings because literally not one penny from her family's business went to her after it all went down and she literally had no savings of her own whoops
she's ridiculously kind but is also very much a pushover and a people pleaser and will cry if she feels like someone hates her
very much a hopeless romantic like she just wants someone to love her tbh and every time she gets into a relationship, she keeps hoping this is it. this is the one!!!! but it hasn't happened yet rip to her
PERSONALITY TRAITS
+ resourceful, determined, saccharine
- scatter-brained, sensitive, panicky
FUN FACTS
very much a coffee lover, practically dependent on it at this point
an ambivert but leans more towards being an introvert. it really depends on the day tbh
is always the one who falls first in every relationship
will fight to keep the relationship too but at the end of the day, is a people pleaser and will not want to fight so she’ll just go along with it rip
embarrasses me everyday by having crushes on everybody in town and being shameless about it too like LADY GET AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEEE
she honestly, truly thinks she’s being so slick when she isn’t????
has a big heart tbh but can be a little clueless and silly at times tbh
just always wants the best for the people she loves, even if it means she has to wear herself thin for that to happen
100% has a really hard time saying no
constantly tired from working so much and for yearning for that relationship but tries her best not to show it
doesn’t like to complain a lot because she doesn’t want people to worry about her tbh
loves animals with her entire heart and soul but doesn’t have one of her own because of how much she works and she thinks that’s not fair
she does love her plants though. definitely has a green thumb
is also an AMAZING cook, like her filipino dishes are to die for but she barely makes them, unless she’s having like a long weekend
cannot drive im sorry this lady is used to having a driver. she does have a bike though
like not a motorcycle. an actual bike. with a basket and everything #savetheearth
is very strict with her own money, barely thinks #treatyoself anymore
also has an amazing singing voice!! reigning karaoke QUEEN
WANTED CONNECTIONS
cousin (will be sending a wc to the main) so any half-filipino/filipino fc!!
Why is it that when Maya died -- I'm really not sorry about it -- but it was my birthday the next day and I went to Medusa to celebrate that, I had people look at me strangely for doing that, but bodies have been dropping left and right recently, and if you're not in a celebratory mood tonight at this engagement party, you're in the wrong?
People suck, I thought, as I made my way to the open bar. And everyone here will pay.
My brain grew tired of planning after Toby, and I figured it just wasn't for me. That was more Jake's area of expertise anyway and besides, it's so much more fun to just wing it because not only will the future dead person be surprised, so will I! A fun, little surprise for me, like a treat.
I want to have a lot of treats tonight, I thought as I took a sip from my drink. The only plan I have for tonight that's set in stone is that I'll convince people I'm well on the way to being drunk as the night goes on, when I'll be anything but, to make people think that I could never be responsible for any of the murders that will be happening tonight.
I had a list of people I want to kill: Jieun and her friends but Jieun specifically for being a fake bitch, Lucia for grieving like she was Dante's girlfriend when, news flash, she wasn't and never will be, that overdramatic, overtalkative bitch, Dominic for making fun of me because I couldn't drive like he's sooooooo special for not making use of public transportation, Analu for breaking up with me all those years ago and still, to this day, never really giving me a reason why, Greyson for not choosing me, Kat solely because it's something I've been dreaming of for a long time now and of course, Sarah and Charlotte, solely for being Jake's sisters.
I didn't need a reason, but I still got them. I'll be sure to let them know why I wanted them dead before I slit their throat.
Everyone's soooooooo cute for thinking I'll stay the sniveling, crying, weak person I used to be that let Kat slap me without fighting back. They'll never expect that that person is dead, buried alongside the rest of the people I stabbed.
The person I am now is just one of the many things I'm so thankful to Jake for.
However, as excited as the thought of having multiple treats tonight made me, I still had to keep up the pretense that I was the woman who had lost everything. In a sense, that was still true. But why dwell on the thoughts of the people who are already dead when I could just think about the people I could still kill?
I wasn't in a celebratory mood, that's for sure. I love love, always have, and I always want to celebrate it, but isn't it clear to everybody that Mei doesn't actually love Levi? It's actually kind of funny to see everyone put on a smile and pretend to be happy, because I'd been doing the same thing for a long time. A long, long time now, it seems.
It also didn't really sit right with me that Mei doesn't seem to be as happy as she could be, when she was getting exactly what I used to wish on every star and every 11:11 for -- a rich, devoted husband, though I could do without the whole religion talk, and a child. A family. A future that's set and stable and secured. She'd never want for anything and she doesn't even seem all that grateful for it.
Maybe I could still have all of that with Jake once Kat's out of the picture.
I kept ordering drinks, kept pretending to drink them, kept walking around pretending to be drunk and that I needed to go to the bathroom or outside to get some fresh air, but I was mostly looking for any opportunity to get people on their own.
Maybe I should have come here with a better plan, I started to think because it seemed like I wouldn't be able to do as much killing as I wanted to, just as the red and blue lights filtered in through the windows. I didn't have to fake my confusion as I wondered what was going on, and the shock evident on my face was genuine when the Chief of Police told the entire ballroom of Lucia's death.
Damn it, Jake. She should have been mine, I couldn't help thinking, though I had to stamp down my laughter as I listened to the murmurs around me. Bye, bitch. Down in the dirt you go, where you belong.
Other than the initial shock and glee that she was dead, though, I found that there was also disappointment. I talked a big game about killing people tonight and I actually hadn't done anything yet. I didn't know Jake was going to kill tonight, and if he could do it even with all these people around, even with a date, even with his siblings at this party, then I most definitely can too. I just need to figure out how to actually do it, and the fact that everyone's now locked inside the hotel room just made everything so much harder.
People wouldn't dare pass up the opportunity to think of me as a weak person, I had come to realize. It's easier for them to think of me as that and I know now that I could use that to my advantage. That, and the fact that everyone thought I was drunk tonight meant that they wouldn't really think twice about me running to the bathroom, especially when I say I'm about to throw up.
I took a special interest when I saw that Levi was going upstairs to his room, instead of going back to the ballroom where Mei was, and my curiosity got the better of me as I followed him up to his room. Just like Toby, I wondered if he was really as nice as he seemed. He was selfish, that was for sure. He wanted to celebrate while people were dying around him.
Maybe the world would be a better place without him too. He hadn't been on my list but I can add him onto it right now, I thought as I checked to see the knife in my purse, the same one I used on Rhys all those months ago. Usually, selfish people were at least smart people, but Levi didn't seem to be one of them, because he didn't even consider having security at this event. An event with his pregnant fiancée, mind you.
I just waltzed in here, in my sparkly dress, a knife that could definitely implicate me for Rhys' murder, hidden in my equally sparkly purse, and nobody knew about it. Sure, I could always say that I have it to defend myself in case a situation arises, but I also didn't want to be labeled a suspect, like Toby had been. All because of a video that didn't even make that much sense to me.
I could turn on the waterworks, though, and I know people would stop thinking that I'd have anything to do with these murders. People never want to see a woman cry, especially one who looked like me and who had publicly lost so much. They'll never believe it.
Suckers.
I laughed as Levi asked me what I was doing, before I took out the knife. What did he think I was doing? Just taking a casual stroll into his hotel room with a knife out for what? A conversation? Wow, he really was stupid.
And then he had the audacity to ask me if I had been the one to hurt Lucia, and I rolled my eyes as I kicked the door closed behind me so that it was just him and me in this room. I deserve a little privacy with the man of the evening, do I not?
No. That wasn't me. I wish it had been me, though. I would have loved to see her die, I told him with a smile. Don't worry, I said, opting for a soothing tone. It's my turn now.
There it is. There's the wonderful panic in their eyes, and it made me grin wider as I looked up at him, the anticipation on my end and the fear and tension on his end palpable before I dropped my smile and lunged forward, only smiling again once I felt the sweet feeling of blood on my hands.
This is what I should have been doing the whole night, I thought as I looked into the eyes of the man who would not stop talking about his beautiful wife to be, about what a blessing a child is, about how blessed he was. What a load of fucking bullshit, I thought as I let out a laugh when I took the knife out. I want to see every emotion on his face, I want to see the moment when he realizes there's absolutely nothing he can do. That he's at the mercy of someone who's friends with his future wife, who even slept at Mei's apartment for a couple of nights.
Mei deserves this, I thought as I stabbed Levi in the chest, a cackle escaping past my lips. An ungrateful woman and a selfish man. Wow, maybe they really are meant to be together.
Too bad he's going to die. No prayer to his god could save him now.
Where's your God now? I asked him before I started laughing and laughing, overcome with the glee that came from the look on his face. I was still careful, though. Even though I pushed him on the bed to make stabbing him easier and escape harder, I was making sure none of his God-loving blood would end up on my pretty cute dress. I could still use this dress in the future, but some of his blood splattered on my purse.
Letting out a loud groan, I continued stabbing him until I was satisfied, sighing with relief once I let the blood drip down to the floor from my knife.
Now that I started, I wasn't going to stop any time soon. I wanted more of this feeling. I wanted to kill. I wanted people to suffer.
I made sure everything was in their rightful place when I got out of the room, making sure it was locked behind me, but my eyes widened when I realized I wasn't alone in the hallway, and I quickly turned around
A part of me wondered if I could get away with it somehow, just keep walking away from this person I met at Medusa since I had my back to her anyway, but then Iris started talking. Hey skank, you obviously know he’s engaged, do better.
And just like that, the smile was back on my face, and the knife was back in my hand.
This bitch.
What the fuck did you just call me? Huh? I asked, eyes glinting with a mixture of fury and glee. I thought I was satisfied with killing Levi, but I wasn't. Not even remotely close to being satisfied because I was already ready to kill again, and I was also so happy with how quickly the next person I'm going to kill was presented to me.
Maybe Levi was onto something with believing in God or whoever, because I wished for more death, and it immediately came to me, wrapped up in the form of a bitch in a tacky dress. A whole coward too, I thought, letting out a laugh as I watched her try to run down the stairs.
I love it when they run. It makes it so much more satisfying when they realize they have absolutely nowhere else to go.
You're going to look so pretty when you bleed out, I said when I caught up to her, just in time to sink my knife into her stomach. That was for calling me a skank. This one is just for fun, I said before I stabbed her again. The anger caused by her words made me to stab her over and over again, after I took my time going down the stairs she had just fallen from. She was unconscious, probably from hitting her head, but I didn't really care. It didn't stop me from stabbing her still.
Serves you right, you fucking bitch. You deserve this, I said, always hating it when people tried to paint liking sex as a bad thing. Calling women skanks was bad enough but it was a million times worse when it came from a fellow woman, especially someone who doesn't even belong here in town. Wasn't she new? What right does she have to comment on things that don't even concern her?
You're fucking nobody and you'll die a fucking nobody, I spat out, about to stab her in the chest when I heard footsteps, causing me to narrow my eyes. I'll come back for her as soon as the coast is clear.
She's not going anywhere.
July 22, 2023 (a few minutes after midnight)
I messed up. I messed up. I messed up.
Iris had survived, according to the police officer, and she knew who I was. I couldn't even get to her now that she was on the way to the hospital.
Fucking Mei. Ruining my plans with that 911 call, causing the hallway and the stairs to be overrun with cops and medics.
I had nowhere to go. No one to turn to.
This was it. This was the end of the line for me.
Good.
The one word that snuck into my thoughts was jarring, shocking even me, but I think a part of me was relieved. I already knew I wasn't the same and I'd never go back to the person I used to be, and I had already thought of myself as someone with absolutely nothing and no one to lose, but this truly cemented it.
One way or another, I was going to leave this place either dead or found out. I preferred the former.
I'm going to have my fun first, though.
It was getting harder and harder to pretend to be drunk, but with the news of Levi's death and two additional injuries, nobody really paid me much attention as I tried looking for Kat.
I will not die or be arrested tonight without killing her first. After everything she put me through, she deserves to die. I'll deal with everyone else on my list later.
I lied through my teeth and said that I had a room somewhere so that I could get out of that stuffy ballroom, I ended up roaming around the halls, searching for Kat. What I found was Vera, though.
Eh, close enough.
Vera didn't like me solely because of Kat and for someone who consistently screamed that she was a strong, independent woman, she really needed to start thinking for herself.
Oh, you bitch, I thought when she bumped her shoulder against mine. I would have probably minded my business and passed up on her on my search for Kat, but just this one, small act of unnecessary aggression changed things.
No, actually, that's a lie. I've been itching to kill Vera too.
The only sound between them was when her keycard unlocked the door and the breathy laugh I let out as I wrapped the strap of her purse around her neck and pulled.
Bet you wish you didn't bump into me now, huh? I asked, deranged yet hushed laughter filling the air as I tightened the strap around her neck, wanting her to pass out.
I'm smart enough to know I wouldn't win in a fight against Vera, and who's going to stop me from making sure this fight wasn't fair?
The police? Please, I thought before letting out a yelp when Vera threw her body against mine, causing me to loosen my grip around the strap, but it didn't take too long before I had her pinned down, stabbing her in the shoulder, in the arm.
It's not enough. She deserves so much more.
I watched with glee as she started crawling away from me, and I took my time, knowing she didn't really have anywhere else to go. Another string of laughter could be heard as I realized where she was trying to go.
The balcony? Please, what was she going to do? Jump off it? Bleed to death in the bushes below?
You know, for some reason, I always thought you were smarter than this, but maybe that's just because you're best friends with two of the dumbest people I know, I said, right as I stabbed her in the back, the image of Vera's best friends, Kat and the other being Dante's baby mama, causing rage to run through me, making me pull on her hair to pin her down again before she could reach the balcony and ruin the fun I was having.
Stay down, you fucking bitch, I muttered as I stabbed her over and over and over again, laughing as I saw the tears in her eyes. Aww, are you going to cry, Vera? You're going to cry? I taunted her, the power of being the person responsible for this coursing through me and making me laugh again, before I heard footsteps. Again.
What the hell is up with people just roaming around these hallways? Didn't they know I have people to kill tonight?
Vera was already passed out, and the blood was already on my dress, so I decided to try and drag her to the opened hotel room, but the footsteps were getting closer and closer and I couldn't tell if it was just one person or two or three. I could handle killing one witness but three? Even I knew I couldn't handle that, and the realization caused me to drop Vera's body unceremoniously back on the floor, deciding to just wait out whoever this was before I go and make sure I killed Vera for good.
THE END
Levi really was onto something believing in a God because this felt like a blessing. The footsteps I heard belonged to none other than Kat, the one person I had been looking for in the first place.
Vera and Kat. Dead. Because of me.
Ooooooooh, this is perfect. This is exactly what I wanted.
I was still hiding out in Vera's room, but as soon as I saw Kat enter the room, I let out a cackle as I closed the door behind her, eyes boring into hers as I watched her back up to the wall.
You're not sorry, I spat out, disgust on my face before I tackled her down on the bed, the adrenaline and rage causing me to be a lot faster and stronger than ever. My hands wrapped themselves around Kat's throat, and I couldn't stop smiling. I wanted to draw this out. I wanted her to be in pain for as long as possible. I wanted her to look me in the eyes and know that she'll be dead because of me. That I did this to her.
I win, bitch, I thought as I grunted, tightening my hold around her neck, trying to flick her hands away from my face. I waited until Kat's hands were no longer clawing at her face, until I could see that she was turning blue before I sunk that knife deep in her stomach, exhaling deeply as euphoria coursed through me.
The sweet taste of revenge.
The blood. The look in her eyes.
This is all I care about.
Save your fucking apologies, bitch. I don't want them, I said before I stabbed her again, and again, and again.
And again, and again, and again.
And again, and again, and again, and again.
I didn't want to stop, the glee in being coated in her blood causing me to not even think about anything else. I didn't care about Vera outside this door, and the fact that people might have seen her at this point. I didn't care if people might hear the laughter from this room and walk in.
I didn't care.
I WIN.
Peals of laughter filled the air as I had the most fun I had tonight, just stabbing Kat everywhere I could, stabbing her more times than I stabbed Sawyer and Toby combined.
I'm not done. I'm never going to be done. I can do this for the rest of my life.
Why had I waited so long to do this? This was so, so, so fun. Hurting Kat was so fun. Killing Kat was so fun. Seeing her blood soak into the white hotel comforter and turning it red was so, so, so fun.
It took her a while to realize she wasn't alone in the room anymore, and the smile only widened when she saw who it was.
My Jakey, I thought, standing beside the bed as I watched him look at his girlfriend. His dead girlfriend.
Now it could be him and me.
Together forever.
Our happy ever after.
I still had to deal with his sisters, but this was really, really good progress. Kat was no longer in the picture and the proud smile was still on my lips, even as I dropped the knife on the floor.
My work tonight is done, I think.
My head tilted to the side as I watched Jake pick up the knife and stepped closer towards me, backing me up until I was against the wall. What--, I started to ask before I felt his hands wrapping themselves around my neck, cutting off my air.
Kinky.
Oh, I actually kind of like this.
It's only when he kept talking that I realized this wasn't going to be like what they did after Theo and Bianca. I don't understand.
Didn't he love me?
Didn't he say it was always going to be us in the end?
Wasn't he happy I did what I had to do so we could be happy together?
I couldn't even gasp as I felt the sharp knife -- my knife -- plunge into my chest. Jake pulled me by my hair and threw me on the ground, and I felt woozy from the lack of air. I could feel blood dripping from my chest, but none of it hurt as much as my heart was.
The same heart that yearned for Jake since we were younger. The same heart that wholeheartedly believed we were in this together?
I wanted to say no, I wanted to beg him to stop, but he stabbed me again, and again, and again.
And again, and again, and again.
And again, and again, and again, and again.
I don't understand.
I was his, and he was hurting me. He wanted to kill me. As I felt every stab, all I wanted to do was sob and tell him he was the one who made me into this. I thought this was what he wanted. I thought he loved me.
Because I loved him. I still did.
Even as he towered over me and hurt me and betrayed me, I loved him.
I love Jake.
I always will.
I could feel myself drifting away now, as I thought about everything in my life that had brought me to this one moment. Maybe this was how it was always meant to be. I'll always be the girl who loves a little too much, gives too much of herself away, to get absolutely nothing good back.
There's nothing left for me to give now, I thought as I looked into the eyes of the man I had sacrificed everything for.
All I ever wanted was to be loved.
Didn't I deserve that?
Didn't Jake owe me that? Since my love for him had been the reason for everything I did? Since he's still someone I'd do anything for?
Too much. It's all too much. It hurts too much.
It's almost ironic, how being stabbed in the chest hurt a lot less than a consistently broken heart.
Helpless. That's how I felt when I fell off my bike in my hurry to get to Jake on the beach. I kicked sand up as I ran towards him, only to freeze as a strangled gasp escaped past my lips at the sight of Dante's bloodied face. What did you do? What did you DO?, I whispered, my voice shaking. How could Jake do this to me? Haven't I lost enough? Why would he try and hurt Dante when I hadn't even done anything to hurt his precious girlfriend, no matter how much I wanted to?
Contrary to popular belief, I had some level of restraint, even though thoughts of hurting Kat brought a smile to my face every time I lied in bed at night.
I stayed rooted where I was as I watched Jake drop Dante's unconscious body to the ground, and for the first time in a really long time, all I felt was fear. What power was there when I couldn't even protect the few people you still wanted to protect? How invincible could I really be when Jake had me completely wrapped around his finger, and we both knew it?
I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean t-to hurt you, I said, eyes closing at the feeling of his hand cupping my cheek. I always felt safe with Jake. I always felt safe with Dante. I just really didn't understand why I couldn't have them both.
My mind was a mess as I opened my eyes to look into Jake's only to feel coldness that had nothing to do with the night air when I watched him walk back towards where Dante's body was. I hardly dared to breathe as I watched the knife in his hands, knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop him.
N-no, I sobbed when I watched the knife plunge into Dante's chest, and the last thread holding me together snapped, the delusion that I had any power here at all completely shattered. I fell down to my knees then, knowing I should walk away, to try and save myself from this pain, but I forced myself to watch as Jake took the last remaining happiness from me. This was the least I could do for Dante. To suffer for him, with him. I refused to think about putting the blame on myself because this was entirely Jake's doing. If I had a say in this, Dante would never be hurt.
As I watched Jake, a part of me wondered if I deserved this. To have absolutely nothing and no one. To have no future. To not have someone love me. To not have stability in any aspect. Why can't I be happy? Why must I always suffer? Why must I lose everyone? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
If I still believed in God, I would have wondered why he let such horrible things happen to such good people, because isn't that what I was?
Wasn't I good? Hadn't I done so much good in my life?
I killed a couple of people before, sure, but I was still a good person. So why was this happening to me?
I felt broken and fractured and shattered and irrevocably lost as I struggled with that thought, and the only beacon I could hold onto was Jake. It was with desperation when I clung to him, even when Dante's blood stained my cheeks, mixing in with the saltiness of tears shed, as Jake cupped my cheeks again. I desperately needed his strength, his stability, his sureness. I needed him to put me back together because I no longer know how. No longer knew what I should do or how I should feel.
How rude of me to cry over another man when surely, Jake just did this for me. For us... right?
It took considerable effort but I stamped down my sobs when Jake kissed me, and I allowed the kiss to wash away every other thought except for one.
Jake's the only one I have left.
June 22, 2023 (even later that night)
I don’t remember much about the rest of that night. I just knew I needed to get out of there, away from the smell of the blood that made me feel dirty, away from Jake's cold eyes, despite my desperation for those same eyes to look at me with love. Everything he did must be because he loves me... right? Why else would he want to take Dante away from me?
I wanted to be near Jake, always, but I needed some time to accept the gravity of just how much I needed him. How much I loved him still. How he and I were destined to be together, not him and his girlfriend. I allowed myself the time to gleefully imagine killing his girlfriend again for a moment while I rode my bike back home, but it wasn't enough. That thought wasn't enough. I remember asking myself What do I need? What do I need? What do I need?
I knew I was growing frantic. I knew I was going crazy. I knew it. I could feel it.
I didn't care.
Turns out all I needed that night was an outlet to channel all my grief, confusion, frustration and fear into. I didn’t need anything else. Just a knife, and another blonde bitch.
Bye, Sawyer. The world’s a better place without you in it, I thought as I stabbed her over and over and over again when she got out of Sirens, laughing at how powerless she was. It felt nice to be back in the position that's rightfully mine, because if I hold the knife, I hold the power. Jake wasn't here so that meant I was in charge.
I would have wanted the person to have gone out of the strip club to be Kat, but I'm taking my time. I'll get to her eventually too. Surely, Jake would understand why I had to do it, the same way I understand why he'd take Dante away from me.
For us.
I’m done. I’m fucking done with all of it. I'm done with feeling powerless. I'm done with trying to be nice to people. I’m done with trying to ignore madness bubbling inside of me after dealing with all the people I've lost. My parents. My best friends. Dante. Jake wanted me to kill people, and I was ready. I no longer cared who or why. I just want to do it again. And again and again. I want the power that comes from every kill and I want to see the look on Jake's face when I plunge that knife into their bodies, their hearts, to feel their warm blood on my hands.
I want to make him proud, I thought as I walked away from Sawyer's mangled, bloody body, looking at it with disgust before I started my bike ride home, sure my eyes were no longer devoid of emotion, but manic with them.
I have absolutely nothing to lose now.
June 26, 2023
I never thought about how freeing it is when you no longer care. I thought I didn't before but it turned out I cared. A lot. Now that I truly didn't, now that I didn't have anything and anyone left to lose, it's like the world opens up and I ended up with so many more choices.
I felt like a kid in a candy shop. I had the pick of the litter. I had the entire town to choose from and who's going to stop me from going after the people who I think deserve it? I don't really have anyone left to care for, save for Jake, but some consolation prizes were Gabe, Ren and Dae, though his fucking cousin can go to hell. Why Jieun would suddenly switch up on me when she used to be one of my closest friends is beyond me but I really shouldn't be surprised. Her entire group of friends seem like the superficial type who only want to be with people because it serves them. Pretty sure they backstab each other on the daily too. It's almost sad just how pathetic they are.
Selfish fucking bitches who deserve every single bad thing coming to them. They're nothing but the mean girls who peaked in high school. Immature airheads with no talent and nothing remotely interesting about them so they had to settle for being mean just so they could actually have something resembling a personality. It's actually funny how they think they're hot shit, when they're the only ones who actually think so. Take away their money and they'd be absolutely nothing.
I want to see all of them rot.
I shouldn't even ask who my next victim is. I already know.
June 26, 2023 (later that night)
I told Ren and Mei I was staying at my place that night because I was still packing things up and it was getting late, but I was actually on my way to Medusa. I knew I'd find at least one from the stupid bitches squad in there and it thrilled me knowing I was doing this for the first time in such a public space.
Sawyer didn't really count because her leaving the strip club in the middle of the night wasn't really considered public. It was dark, and we were near a dumpster with nobody around. A fitting place for her death, I thought.
Medusa was so much more public, though, even though it was pretty dark. I could easily get caught here, but I know that I wouldn't. Jake had taught me too well.
I was fueled by anger, possibly mania, but I didn't want to think about it too much or dwell on it much. I just felt happy that I was finally being able to do something that would stop me from feeling powerless again.
I knew too in my heart that I was doing this world a service by taking one of them out. The worst of them all. Azra.
It's funny how people say Jieun was the mean one or even that annoying redhead, when Azra was right there. She would smile to your face then talk shit about you as soon as you weren't around. She'd give you whiplash just because she changed her mind about you and would just expect you to deal with it. She's never, ever remorseful for her actions and she acts like you owe her your time and attention just because she's a pretty, rich girl, when she has absolutely nothing else to offer.
Everyone else in the world is lacking or too much or was too ugly or talked too much, or talked in a weird way, or was a loser but not her, though. Noooooooooo, never her. To her and only her, she was the image of perfection, when in fact, she's the biggest loser of them all. She thinks she's a grown woman when she consistently acts like a thirteen-year-old.
Pathetic, self-centered fucking bitch. I hated her. I fucking hated her.
I'm really going to enjoy killing her.
June 27, 2023
I thought she was dead. How the fuck did she survive after I plunged that knife into her multiple times? When she painted the stairs in that club a glorious red?
What a fucking cockroach.
I had to leave because I saw Gabe, and I was worried they might recognize me, but I left that nightclub, wholeheartedly believing the news would bring a smile to my face. A broadcast that would let everybody know just how great a job I did, but that wasn't the case. Guess I need to figure out how to finish the job somehow when she's out of that hospital, because I know Jake wouldn't be happy with what I did. Even I'm not happy with what I did, solely because she should be dead by now. I managed to kill Sawyer on my own just fine, but I'll do better next time. I'm sure of it.
I almost laughed during that police interview when I said that even though I didn't like her all that much anymore, she didn't deserve for this to happen to her.
Yeah. Because she deserved worse. So much worse, and she'll get it.
The shock and fear in her eyes had been so, so good to see. I can't wait to see it again.
July 7, 2023
At this point, I didn't care who the bodies were anymore, just as long as there were some. There was no rhyme or reason to the kills, because in my head, I deserve this. Everyone deserves an outlet, right? Everyone deserves to have fun, right? This is how I had mine.
I didn't care that Theo was a friend who gave me a gift on my birthday. I didn't care that Bianca was a friend who bought me a shot on my birthday. These people celebrated the day I was born and here I am tonight celebrating the day they'll die.
They're both so pretty when they cry.
I liked seeing them squirm. Jake usually waited until they were dead to start cutting off body parts but I want in on the fun now, and why wait? I want to hurt them. I want to hear them cry some more and scream some more. I wanted them to see my face and remember I'm not some poor, little girl who had everything taken from her.
I had Jake.
And I had their lives in my hands.
I had everything I needed.
Poor, little Theo with his perfect face and his devotion to Sarah, of all people. I always thought he was hooking up with Dee in that big house of hers in Stoughton, but guess he wasn't into MILFs anymore. Just virgins. Poor, little Bianca with her talent and her very much still alive best friend.
Things I no longer had.
Well, debatable. I did have a newfound talent at making people like them suffer.
Beauty and talent could only get you so far, I muttered under my breath before laughing as I hurt them each night while donning the mask of a concerned friend each day. Oh no, surely they'll turn up. They could still be alive, I lied through my teeth, even joining the search party despite knowing Jake and I took them out of their misery the night before. If I had it my way, though, we'd have fun with them for weeks. Hurt them just enough that they won't be able to die naturally, but by our hand.
Oh, well. I had fun as it was, and had even more fun when Jake started taking things further with me. I had blood on me after killing Theo, I had a smile on my lips as I watched Jake kill Bianca, and suddenly, I was being pulled closer to Jake by his hold around my waist.
I moaned softly then when he started touching me in the way I had always hoped he would, and I almost completely forgot that there were two dead bodies near us, because all I could focus on was Jake.
There was something so intimate about knowing someone for who they exactly are and still loving them anyway. As fucked up as the rest of the world might see him as if they ever found out, all I could see was the man I trusted with my whole life. The man I knew I could no longer live without. Tonight was his way of proving he also couldn't live without me, right? Because why else would he take me, want me, need me as much as I need him, when he'd only just been with one other person before?
Suck on that, Kat. You're not special, I thought afterwards. It felt like this had been a long time coming for me and Jake and I'm so happy we finally understand what we mean to each other. I see Jake for all that he is, and that's not something fucking Kat would ever be able to say.
Jake was mine, and I was his. End of story.
July 10, 2023
Blood splayed across a wall.
Blood dripping down someone's face.
Blood being choked on with panic in their eyes.
I just want more of it. I felt like I couldn't get enough.
Of seeing it. Of feeling it on my hands. Of playing with the puddles of blood when I was done, like I did with the puddles of rain when I was a kid. The thought of it crowded my thoughts every second, even when I continued waiting tables at Mama's. Even when I walked past Julia's bedroom everyday. Even when I'd hang out with Dae, Ren or Gabe.
It's all I can think about. I want to hear the screams of pain. I want to hear people begging for their lives, and pretending I'd give them what they want, only to laugh as I rip that hope away from them. I want to see the light leaving their eyes until there was nothing there. Just a husk of a person, and my fun would be over.
I just want to have some fun.
Jake had managed to turn all of this into a game. A game that I am now starting to enjoy, and after what happened with Theo and Bianca, I was ready to turn this into my own. To have fun my way. I had gotten what I wanted from Jake that night we killed Theo and Bianca, and now I just need to know for sure that he loved me as much as I loved him. That he can see me in his future regardless of the things I'd do, because he was my future. My whole future. The only one I had.
I just wanted more. I was brimming with anticipation, feeling like nothing would sate me until I could put my plan into action. What better way to prove that Jake loves me by doing something he had done to me? Surely, he'd understand why I'd want his best friend to die when he made me kill two of mine? Surely, he'd still love me even though I'll take his precious Toby away from him? He's just another obstacle from our love story anyway. The easiest one too, because his sisters and fucking Kat would be harder to kill at this time.
Jake must be so tired of planning it all the time, I thought. I tried my best to take note of Toby's schedule, so I could figure out the best time and place to strike but it was always so different each time that I decided to just follow him every time he went out of his house. I'd gotten so good at blending into the background and Toby was always busy on his phone that he never really noticed me back there, just a couple of feet behind, watching his every move.
Toby's a weirdo, I thought, the more time I spent with him. Or at least... near him. There's absolutely no way somebody could be that happy. Could be that kind and selfless. There has to be some sort of major character flaw somewhere in there to make up for it, because he was definitely doing too much and I definitely don't buy it, especially because he was related to Tucker.
Sure enough, I found it when I was following him one night and he didn't even hesitate to help an old lady cross the road. A few minutes later, he also didn't hesitate to pick up a toy a baby had thrown out of his stroller. He even wiped the dirt away before handing the toy back to the mother with a smile. He helped people struggling with bags of grocery. Just a few minutes after that, I overheard him on the phone saying he'd 'be right there', a look of concern on his face as he looked completely focused on this next task that'll make him look like a hero.
He's a savior, it seems. He likes to help people, and doesn't even think twice about it.
What a fucking idiot.
July 10, 2023 (later that night)
The plan was in motion as soon as I watched Toby leave his house, his dog on a leash. I'd been following him for the past few days, so I knew the path he took, and it didn't take too long until I was at the Salem Neck Trail, the location making me smile as I remembered Rhys.
What a different person I had been then.
What a tragedy, I sarcastically thought to myself before snickering, only quieting down when I saw Toby coming nearer.
Help! Someone please help. Help me. Help me please!
You fucking sucker, I thought as he came into my line of sight. Of course he'd help. It was late at night and he decided to come in and help with no regard for his own safety.
Sooner or later, Jakey, it's going to be just you and me. Just how it's supposed to be, I happily thought a couple of minutes later when I was on top of Toby, gleefully sinking the knife into his body over and over and over.
At least you gave me a laugh by having Kat suspect you of doing all the killing. She really is stupid, but you're even worse, I told Toby's corpse before I wiped the blood off my hands onto a throw towel I'll burn later to shoot Jake a text.
He texted me about a surprise then showed me Dante, so I'm texting him about a surprise to show him his best friend, and I had a wide, happy smile on my lips when he came to see my masterpiece.
He didn't laugh. He didn't touch me. He didn't move to kiss me. It was hard to read the expression on his face too.
It didn't faze me that much, though. I had killed again tonight, and this was a win for me. I was happy. And Jake now knows how it feels now to lose a best friend.
I wonder what else I could do. Who else I could kill.
Am I ready to kill his sisters now? Sarah's still heartbroken over Theo so she could possibly be an easy target, but I don't even know where Charlotte is most of the time.
But I'll figure it out. I'll find a way.
And who's going to stop me? Jake?
Please, I thought with a laugh. He trusted me with who he really was, and this is me trusting him with who I really am. With the person he made me to be. After all, everything I learned I learned from him. He must be so proud.
I'm never going back to the person I used to be before I killed someone. That person's completely gone, and good riddance to her. I'm never going to be weak and helpless and powerless ever again.
I'm not sorry. Nobody else ever is so why should I be?
And I'm having too much fun to stop now. I never will, at this rate.
And I’ve gone too far
Lost my mind, it was overdone
I'm melting with your scars
Now I find nothing else to hold on
And it's my fault
It's my fault
triggers: death, murder
Dear diary,
I think that’s how I’m supposed to start writing this. I’m not entirely sure how to go about it because the last time I had a diary, I was fourteen years old and I had a crush on one of the guys on the football team. I was talking about him so much, like how cute he was when he smiled, or how tall he was and how I wanted to wear his letterman jacket. One day, though, the diary slipped out of my backpack and a classmate took it, reading it out loud for everyone to hear, to make fun of me.
I swore to myself I’d never have another diary again.
However, I went to therapy today. It was my first time, and seeing how nervous it made me feel, I think that was the last time too. She was nice, though. Made me feel really safe in her office, even though I didn’t like how prodding her eyes were. I felt like I was being examined. Aren’t therapists supposed to be warm?
Anyway, she told me I seemed to have a problem with letting my words out vocally, so doing this could be a little exercise. Just write everything down in this notebook, and told me I won’t have to show it to her at all. Just to let it all out in my own way when I’m ready because it might help me.
At this point, after Dante’s death, I don’t think I can be helped, but I’ll try my best. She’s right, this might be good for me. A way for me to retrace my steps. To learn from whatever mistakes I may have made so I won’t do them again.
For the next time I’ll kill someone.
May 6, 2023
I think I’ll do this by date, starting from the very beginning, so I won’t get lost in the storytelling of it all. May 6 was the day of Mama’s reopening and it started off so well. I was up so early, so happy to don my waitressing uniform again, feeling like I had my armor back on. I might have never thought I’d be a waitress at this point in my life, in this age, but it seemed I was damn good at being one.
I’ve loved Mama’s for as long as I can remember, so being there that night of the fire had been traumatizing, especially because we all thought everyone had gotten out. We had absolutely no idea someone had been stuck there. Thoughts of the smoke in my lungs, of rushing out of there, of watching the building crumble in front of my eyes were in my head as I went to the newly renovated building, and I couldn’t be happier.
After the nightmare that was working at Medusa as a server, being back at Mama’s felt like coming home. The smell of the coffee brewing, seeing the newly furnished booths that continued the theme of the diner, talking to my friends during my breaks, all of it made me feel so at peace.
Up until I had to witness Dante yelling at his ex-girlfriend. Talking about how he was a father. I’d known Dante since we were younger, even dated during high school, even though I know he’d always been smitten with that woman. Now, he was a father? And from what I could hear from the conversation, he had no idea about it?
Dante stayed on my mind the entire day, throughout me ending my shift at Mama’s, to me coming home so Julia, Maya and I can get ready together, to coming to Medusa for Jieun’s party.
I saw Dante that night, saw how sad he was and after hearing what had happened at Mama’s, all I wanted to do was to make him feel better. When the bathroom had been suggested, I was more than ready for it. I was happy about it even. Maybe this was my shot at getting him to see that he deserved better than her, that instead of focusing on her, he should be focusing on me instead. That maybe what he had been looking for was right here all along.
He had other people to talk to, though, and as I nursed my wounded ego after the bathroom, I caught Rhys’ eye. We worked together for a while there, and he had always been the sweetest guy, always so concerned about everybody. Even when he had to break up a drunken fight and had to throw people out of the club, he was always kind to them. I don’t even think I’ve seen that gentle giant be mad at all.
Thoughts about Dante immediately went out of my head when we started talking and with the alcohol already in my system, I just wanted to get out there with Rhys. His shift was done, I was a little tipsy, and here was a guy who seemed interested in me. When he suggested for us to get out of there, it was like I jumped up, wanting nothing more.
He said he let a friend crash over at his place tonight, so I told him we could go to mine instead, but on the way there, I felt like I couldn’t wait anymore. We were already in the neighborhood, just a couple more minutes from my place with Julia, but I told him to pull over. We were near the Salem Neck Trail, and the woods looked a little creepier than usual, but it offered us the privacy I wanted. Once we started kissing, my mind became completely distracted. It didn’t really matter where we were. All I thought of was Rhys. All I wanted was Rhys.
While we were in the car, we heard a noise outside, but while I told him to just leave it alone, being the man that he was, he decided to check it out, to make sure that nothing was out of the ordinary. I didn’t want to stay in the car by myself, just waiting for him, so I put my clothes back on and rushed outside to follow him.
It was dark, he was already ahead of me and I was spooked. I was very spooked. The sounds from the critters around me that I couldn’t see made me jump every time, and I was glad I still had my bag on me because something inside of it offered me some comfort. What not a lot of people know was that I had a pocket knife on me at all times. I learned to carry it around once I started working at Mama’s and realized I was in for a lot of late nights. I didn’t have a car, and there was something so scary about being out in the open at night, even when on a bike.
Swallowing thickly, I called out for Rhys, the light from inside the car no longer reaching to this part of the trail and my heart was thudding in my chest. I could see the road well enough, even though it was dimly lit, but I couldn’t see Rhys at all. I thought I was following him but I could no longer see him, couldn’t even hear him and I was about to cry, when just then, I heard someone make a sound from behind me, like one of those sounds made by friends when you’re trying to scare another friend, and I could feel their breath on the back of my neck, spooking me even more. Without even thinking, I turned around, knife at the ready, just to see the laughter in Rhys’ eyes make way for shock.
I followed his eyes down to where I had stabbed him in the gut, and I couldn’t fully see it, but I could feel the wetness of the blood on my hand. In my panic, I had pulled the knife out, which just made more of the blood gush out. I remember muttering no, no, no. What did I do? What did I do? What do I do? but then even amidst my panicked breathing and scattered brain, one thing was clear to me.
Rhys decided to scare me, thinking it was all a game, thinking it was funny. It wasn’t funny. He wasn’t funny. However cute he may be, it wasn’t funny and it was almost like I was having an out of body experience as I watched my own shaking hand plunging the knife into his stomach again. And again. And again. And again.
Everyone treated me like I was some helpless, little girl after my parents were arrested. Everyone thought it was funny to play games with the girl who lost everything and I was sick of it.
He was supposed to be fucking nice.
That wasn’t nice.
So I’m not going to be nice.
I didn’t know how long I stood there, but eventually, the adrenaline and the anger faded, and nothing but panic settled in.
What the fuck did I do?
What did I do?
I’m going to jail, I remember thinking that. They’re going to arrest me and throw me in a cell just like they did with my parents. I’m going to die there. I’m going to be somebody’s bitch because I don’t know what I’m going to do in there. I can’t do it. I can’t go to jail. I can’t.
Rhys did this. He did this to himself. Not me.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my g--, I paused my muttering, startled, because when I looked up, I saw the view of the road now obstructed by a figure. I didn’t know if they heard me. I didn’t even know if they could see me, but once the figure started walking towards me, I knew I was done for.
This is it.
I’m going to jail.
But once I saw that it was Jake, it was like the hope energized me yet again. Jake could help me. Jake could save me. We had so much history together that even though we were no longer friends because of Kat, I felt like I was about to cry when he decided to help me. I was so relieved, I didn’t even stop to think about why he was out here by himself at this hour. I didn’t even think about why he was helping me. I just knew that he was, and I loved him for it.
I could feel my dinner threaten to make itself reappear once he got to work, and even then, I didn’t stop think about how he was so good at this. How calm he was as Rhys’ body was chopped into pieces. How this entire situation didn’t faze him.
He was helping me, taking care of me and wasn’t that all that mattered to me? Wasn’t that what I said I always wanted? What I always needed? Someone who’d just take care of me, and won’t make me feel alone?
My trust in him solidified completely that night. He was my knight in shining armor, coming in just in time to save me from the horror of a prison cell. How good he looked with blood on his hands, while I had blood on mine. How strong he was. How capable. He was perfect.
We’re forever intertwined now, because of this. Because of me. A silent promise that all that happened tonight would stay between us, and just us, and I couldn’t help but feel cocky. Kat wouldn’t know about this, only me. I trusted Jake, and he trusted me.
As I went home that night with the comfort and assurance that he’d take care of everything, I didn’t even think of Rhys. I didn’t think of his blood. I didn’t think of his family. I didn’t think of the future he no longer gets to have.
Just Jake.
My hero.
May 20, 2023
A part of me thought that the worst was over. I was scared of the entire world finding out what I had done, but I also felt relieved because I knew that Jake wouldn’t hurt me like that, and the days passed by with no incidents at all. The only good thing is that everybody felt panicked, which gave me a reason to seem panicked as well.
I’d sometimes go to the bathroom at Mama’s, turn on the hand dryer and scream loudly, not because I was freaking out about the killers, as others were, but just because I could. It was almost... euphoric. I got rid of someone I didn’t really care about who thought he was funny but wasn’t, and other than the initial fear that people would remember I had been the one Rhys had ended the night with, I just felt... free. Like I could take on the whole world.
I was happy.
That is, until Jake decided to contact me again. I didn’t really know what was going on or why he felt the need to contact me when I had just spent a really good night with my best friends, and though I was happy that he did seem to want to talk me, I was still confused as I followed his directions to where I was supposed to go. I had completely accepted the fact that I’d do absolutely anything for him but once I got there, though, I was met with a sight that was something I never thought I’d ever have to see in my life.
Maya.
She was unconscious, and I couldn’t be too sure but I think the matting of her hair was because of blood there. The image a stark contrast to how she looked just a couple of hours ago when she was with me and Julia in our apartment. I remember my first instinct had been to run towards her, and I almost tripped on my way there until I found myself kneeling beside the chair she was placed in. My hands held onto her cheeks, grateful to feel that they weren’t cold like Rhys’ were.
She’s okay, I said, relief evident in my voice but my blood ran cold as I moved my eyes up to meet Jake’s. My hero. This strong, capable man handing me a knife.
I like to think I’m a smart person, but I felt really dumb then. Completely and totally dumb. It didn’t register in my mind what that knife is for. I didn’t even understand why we were here in the first place. I always thought that if I snuck around everyone’s back with Jake, we’d be doing something completely different.
My hands reached out for the knife regardless, because it felt like that was what I was supposed to do. As my hands wrapped around the handle, it slowly started to sink in what we were here for. Almost as if I could now see things with a clearer vision.
No, I remember saying. No. I can’t do that to Maya. I can’t-- This-- I was struggling to breathe, only then realizing where we were. How... sterile the entire environment was. How... planned out. I remember thinking this is the work of someone who’s a planner. Maybe Jake had been planning this for months. Maybe even years. I really didn’t know, and now didn’t really feel like the time to ask, not when I was panicking so hard.
Then the words came that brought tears to my eyes. Kill her or I’ll kill you both.
I didn’t understand. I thought Jake was my hero, was someone I could look up to and trust completely. He helped me with the unfortunate situation that was Rhys and I thought that was that. We were bonded by that secret that we’ll carry with us until we die. I didn’t think we’d be back to do more. I didn’t think he’d ask me to do something that I couldn’t possibly do.
I couldn’t possibly do this, right? I can’t. I won’t.
I can’t do this, I said, hearing how shaky my own voice was. I can’t kill Maya. Please don’t make me kill Maya. I can’t.
I didn’t understand the look in his eyes when he listened to my stammering. How dead they were. How panicked mine must have been, but the silence in that room was heavy, only interrupted by my quick breathing. Do you ever think about those times when you sob so uncontrollably, especially as a child, and then you take a shaky breath after what felt like the longest time when in reality, it had just been a couple of minutes, glad that the worst was over?
That was what I wanted to feel. That was what I needed to feel right now, because my brain was starting to hurt and I just wanted this to be over. I didn’t want to feel like this anymore, like something was being held over my head, and the only way to do that was to do what Jake asked me to do.
It almost felt like I was watching someone else’s shaky hand hold up the knife and see it plunged deep into Maya’s chest. A strangled gasp escaped past my lips as my hands immediately let go of the knife, jumping back as if the handle was hot to touch, my tears falling down my cheeks with no intention of stopping.
What the fuck did I do? What the fuck did I do? What the fuck did I do?
There was nothing else I could have done after that, except watch as Jake did what he did best. What I had seen him do only once before. He was methodical, almost trained, and I know I should be scared. I should be running for the hills seeing how good this man is at handling a dead body, but instead, something like warmth bloomed in my chest.
I did it.
I did what he asked me to do and I did it well. He didn’t have to say that he was proud of me because I know he is. After feeling completely powerless after what happened with my parents and the spectacle my life had become immediately after that, there was power in knowing how easy it was to take a life. To know that Jake trusted me still. To know I could do it, and that I will. I won’t hesitate next time.
Rest in peace, Maya, I thought, as I watched Jake cut off her hands, the tears long gone by then. There was no more sadness in what I had done. It was necessary, I thought. Maybe a part of me was relieved too that Maya was no longer in the picture. Julia and I were the best friends here, not Julia and Maya. I was taken aback by the sudden realization but I was quick to accept the dark truth about what I really thought about her as I stepped into a pool of her blood. Maya should have known better than to tread onto my friendship.
This part was always Jake’s domain, I thought, as I stepped back and merely watched him, filled with admiration and warmth, barely even giving much attention to the corpse in the room with them.
June 9, 2023
I gave myself a chance to let loose and just do what I wanted to do on my birthday, even though it was a day after Maya’s body was found and I had to force myself to seem sad still about her death, when in reality, I really wasn’t. Now that I couldn’t stop picturing her as the third wheel in my friendship with Julia, all I could think of when I remember her is good riddance.
My birthday came and went. I felt pretty good that night in the outfit that I wore to Medusa, I ended up in bed with Kyle, had a talk with Julia about it the morning after, but other than that, the days trickled by slowly, and it seemed like things were going back to normal. I didn’t really understand why Tucker had to die, but I was positive Jake would talk to me about it when the time came.
Was it bad that I felt a tiny, tiny, tiny bit of FOMO about it? Why’d he have to kill Tucker when I wasn’t there?
I asked myself that, but then I realized there was a better question I should be asking myself: Why was I thinking about killing again? Why did I want to? Was it the rush of power that I got watching the life drain from their eyes, knowing it was me who had been responsible for it? Was it the fact that it was something I can control, compared to everything else that had happened in my life after my parents’ arrest that made me feel completely helpless? Was it because it gave me a reason to be closer to Jake?
Either way, I felt like I ready when Jake and I met up again. I remember I was even smiling when I walked back to where I had previously killed Maya, and I was still smiling when I saw Ruby’s lifeless frame. Jake’s been busy, I remember thinking, full of glee and anticipation. I wonder who mine is. My present. Jake’s present for me. It was only when I realized who the other person was beside Ruby that the smile finally left my lips. Seeing the familiar dark hair. The expression on her face that I could delude into thinking was just her being asleep, instead of unconscious in a dark room, being prepped for slaughtered.
No. The word moved past my lips firmly and I shook my head, not even daring to reach for the knife in Jake’s hands. No, I repeated and it was just that one word being said over and over as the tears started to pool in my eyes. Surely, Jake wouldn’t do this. Surely, there was still a line that neither of them can cross.
Surely, Julia couldn’t be killed, not when she was my best friend in the whole world. Not when she had done absolutely nothing to deserve to have an end like this. Hadn’t Maya been enough?
Please. Please don’t do this, I begged, but it felt like he wasn’t even hearing me. It didn’t matter if I started to sob, the same words that had been said in this same room were said once again, and I thought I knew what despair felt like, but I was wrong. I was so wrong.
Kill her or I’ll kill you both.
I wanted to scream then. I had to be the one to kill her? Wasn’t the fact that she was possibly going to be killed bad enough? Maybe a part of me really did want to kill Maya because I didn’t resist as much as I was resisting now. I didn’t cry as much as I was crying now. I didn’t want to do this. I can’t. I won’t. I can’t do this. I can’t hurt Julia.
But did I have a choice? Did Jake leave me with one?
I couldn’t read the expression on his face. Once again, I don’t know where I stand with him. Weren’t we closer than ever? If so, why all this? Was this just a test? Was he testing me, to see where my loyalties were? Did he want to hurt me? Is he really going to hurt me if I can’t do this? Was this random? Did he think this whole plan through? Why Julia?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Please don’t make me do this, I sobbed, hoping and praying that he would change his mind but to no avail.
I don’t want to die, I remember thinking. I can’t die yet. But how can I live if I push through with this? If my best friend’s death will be on my hands? Can I survive that?
A thought popped into my head then that I really didn’t have a choice. I saw what Jake was capable of. I had come to understand the look in his eyes for the after part, even loving that part of him. When the hacking off of body parts started happening. When his eyes swept over the room to make sure there was no trace left of what he had done. It was when he’s in his element, tapping into who he innately is, and I get to take a peek on who he really is and loving him anyway. Funnily enough, it was also when he’s like this when I feel safest, because I knew what he could do, and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was that he trusted me enough to show this side of him.
I just never thought I wasn’t part of the exception.
Would he really hurt me? I don’t have a choice. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t. I can’t do this. I need to do this. I have to. I don’t have a choice.
I’m sorry, I said, sobs racking my chest as I finally wrapped my hand around the handle of the knife, staring down at my best friend’s face. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I whispered as I stabbed her in the chest, making sure it was clean. Making sure it was quick and painless. The kind of death she deserved. I could grant her this one last favor.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
And for the first time since all this happened, I finally understood what grief truly was. I understood what love truly was.
Grief is dealing with what I did to Julia, my own best friend.
Love is dealing with knowing even after giving me no choice, I still would do anything, anything for Jake.
June 22, 2023
I didn’t have to fake it this time. The sadness. The loss of appetite. The lack of desire to actually do anything. The strong urge to stay in bed the whole day to cry. The inability to fall asleep. I didn’t even have the option to bury myself in work because Minnie decided to give me as many days off as I wanted while I grieved.
I hated it. I hated the pity in her eyes, and I hated the pity in everyone else’s eyes too. It wasn’t like this after my parents got arrested. Back then, people were judging me because of their mistakes, as if I was the one who had been taking all that money. Back then, I hated all the judgment, even wanted to walk up to people to tell them to stop judging me for something I didn’t even do, but now, I’d jump at the chance to be judged over pitied.
I hated it. I hated everything about it. I still loved Jake, and I knew that will always be the case, but I couldn’t stop seeing the knife plunging into Julia’s chest every time I closed my eyes. The memory of the man I loved was intertwined with the deaths of my two best friends and it brought a lot of conflicting emotions that just left me exhausted.
My only consolation, the only beacon of hope I felt like I had left in this world, was Dante. I can still remember what had happened at Mama’s reopening, the look on his face, but nowadays, he seemed to be doing better, which I found relieving. He was one of the few people who actively checked in to see how I was doing after the news of Julia got out and it meant a lot more to me than people thought.
Just because I killed my best friends doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings, you know?
He just made me so, so, so happy and even though we used to date, hooked up sometimes throughout the years, talking with him now felt like we were meeting each other again for the first time, which wasn’t really that far off. After all, I wasn’t the same person I was back in high school, in the same way I hope he wasn’t the same person he was back in high school too, when he seemed to be completely head over heels over this other woman, who I always felt didn’t deserve him.
I wanted to change that, for sure. I wanted his eyes on me. I wanted to be the priority this time around, and not just be the person someone fucks before getting back with their ex, like how I felt with Dante’s cousin, Grey, especially because it already sucked seeing him run right back to his ex. I really didn’t need to see Jake go running back to his bitch of a girlfriend too after every kill we did together. Seeing it happen made me angry every single time, made me feel like an option.
It wasn’t fair on me.
I was the one who knows the real Jake, not her. He’s probably just with her for some ass anyway. I really wouldn’t mind killing again if it meant I’d get to hurt that fucking bitch. I want to see the panicked look in her eyes as she realizes she has no way out and that I’m the one who gets to dangle death in her face. I want to hurt her. I want her to suffer. I want to hear her cry. I want her to try to fight back. I want to slap her over and over.
And over and over and over and over again. I want her cheeks to be red as hell, payback for what she did to me. I’ll find a way to make this happen. I’m sure of it.
Her being friends with Dante is also so fucking annoying. I swear, Dante’s like a magnet for the most annoying people ever. Kat, Sawyer, Lucia, fucking Bella. They can all die for all I care. I’ll kill them all myself if I have to, since it would probably make the world a much better place. They’re all distractions from me anyway. From what Jake and I could have. I mean, Dante and I.
Jake can have fun with his fake blonde bitch, and I’ll just focus all my efforts on Dante, which wasn’t really that hard because he made it so easy to care for him. He had such a good heart, such a kind soul that I could definitely see myself falling in love with him. Maybe he’ll get over his ex and fall in love with me somehow too. At the rate we were going, I was pretty optimistic about it, especially because he asked me to be his plus one at the music festival.
Some part of me knew that relying on just him for my happiness wasn’t healthy, but I was grieving my best friends’ deaths and I just wanted everyone else to leave me alone. At this point, I didn’t even care what anybody else thought. I just wanted to be with Dante. If Jake wasn’t going to give me the time of day when he knows we should be together, then I shouldn’t even bother. Not when my heart was already yearning for another.
I smiled as I got a text message from Dante that night, and it felt like my entire body was filled with light. This man made me so, so happy and I wondered what this surprise was. Rolling over until I was resting on my stomach, my feet in the air, I sent him a quick reply.
A: can’t wait to see you tomorrow too. can i get a little hint on what this surprise might be? 💕
The smile on my face slowly disappeared as the minutes ticked by with no response. Maybe he was driving himself home? I was just about to give up and call it a night when I jumped at the sound of the notification saying I got a text.
“maybe happy engagement?” most of the time, anya didn’t go to these types of things. so knowing what to write wasn’t something she really knew. but with it being for her childhood friend, not going would have been rude. she had to be there to support him. “how much have you had to drink already?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. just from observing, it seemed as if adee was drunk already. or well on her way there. “thank you. you look nice as well.”
“Quite a bit,” Adee admitted. “Might as well make use of the open bar, right?” She said before showing Anya a smile. “Thank you,” she murmured before looking around the ballroom. “Ugh, I love love,” Adee said in a slight groan, though she could feel an aching in her chest as she remembered Dante. It hadn’t been love but she knew it could have been. Possibly. If they had more time, and if he ever got over that other woman. “Isn’t it so sweet? I can’t wait to see them get married.”
“Adee, hi. Thank you. You look really beautiful,” he says with a smile. Though his friend always looked good, that much was obvious. “I’ll distract you, if you want.” He’s had a drink or two so far, but he’s slowly down, because he doesn’t want to end the night completely drunk and unaware. “I want a little break, too before I get something else.” He nods, extending his hand. “I’d love to.”
“Thank you, Ren,” Adee said, her eyes moving down to see her dress. It wasn’t as formal as she would have liked to be, but she also didn’t want to have to keep tripping over the ends of a gown with how drunk she wanted to be tonight. That, and she didn’t have a lot of gowns left in her wardrobe after she tried selling everything the months following her parents’ arrest. “Why are you so sweet?” Adee suddenly asked after she took his hand, cheeks flaming at the words she had just blurted out. Out of everyone in town, he was one of the few who had shown her so much kindness after everything happened. Losing one best friend after another, losing Dante. And he didn’t even ask for anything back. “Sorry, I’m just--” She shook her head as she moved towards the dance floor, one hand resting on his shoulder. Even Jieun, someone she had considered a really close friend, turned on her for no reason. Azra too, and she didn’t even know why. “Um, a little all over the place,” Adee whispered before swallowing thickly, forcing the smile back on her lips. “But you are. Sweet, I mean. Always have been. Even with all these deaths around us, you’re still just so nice. It’s... comforting.”
It was no surprise that she had her doubts about being here. The entire town gathered under one roof, it couldn’t help but to give her flashbacks of what happened before and in truth, she was nervous. Even if she did her best not to show it in front of the happy couple and everyone else that surrounded her but Vera was on edge. That much becoming apparent the second she felt a cold sensation hit her suddenly—a loud gasp slipping from her lips. If it had been anyone else, maybe she would’ve been nicer about it, but of course, the mess came from Adee. Of all people. “You don’t know how to use your eyes or something?” She loudly huffed out, flashing an annoyed glance in Adee’s direction before reaching over toward the bar to grab a couple napkins; doing her best to wipe away the mess. “You better pray this shit doesn’t leave me sticky all night.”
Adee knew that the one thing she could use to her advantage tonight is the open bar, and the last thing she wanted was to get into a fight tonight of all nights, so she ignored Vera’s question. Instead, her hands clumsily tried to get a couple more napkins too to help her out, but that just meant she was tapping away at this woman’s chest and so she gave up. Her eyes took in Vera then, knowing the two didn’t get along solely because of her affiliation with Kat, and Adee dropped the remaining napkins before showing her shrug. “I already said I was sorry. You can go get yourself cleaned up in the bathroom if it feels sticky, but it’s just alcohol, Vera. It’s not going to kill you,” she said, turning to the side so the woman wouldn’t see her rolling her eyes. “For what it’s worth, the dress seems fine. It’s just your, uh, cleavage,” Adee said, gesturing towards the woman’s breasts. “Aren’t you cold?”
"Pace yourself," They appeared behind Adee, voice almost a soft murmur; leaning close to reach forward and pluck the glass from her hands before raising it to his own lips, a satisfying sip. "Don't want you getting all fucking drunk again, now do we?" He tugged on a stray strand of her hair; light and teasing, voice relatively at ease - without the joyful malice that it held for practically everyone else. "M'just a fucking stick, I can't keep carrying you home. Think of my old, decrepit bones, please."
Adee jumped slightly at the unexpected voice, only to raise an eyebrow when she felt the glass leaving her hand. “That was just a weak moment,” she pointed out, though a blush started forming on her cheeks as she remembered how they picked her drunk self up from Deadlights. Definitely hadn’t been one of her finer moments, and she was grateful that they took the time to help her out, but at the same time, didn’t want to give them even more ammo to tease her with when they already had plenty. “I’m doing much better tonight,” Adee added, though that wasn’t really true. She already had a couple of drinks in her and dinner had just finished. “Those old, decrepit bones won’t have anything to carry home other than your own self because I’m fine,” she said, a daring expression on her face as she grabbed another flute of champagne from a passing server. “A little presumptuous of you to think you’re coming home with me, no?” Adee asked with a smirk.
closed \ @adeehayaglocation \ pearl hotel ballroom
"I didn't expect to see you here." Dae scratched the back of his head, chuckling softly. "Well, didn't really expect to see me here, either." His smile faded slightly as he glanced at the other woman, their previous encounters ringing in his head. "How're you feeling?"
“I wanted to support Mei. This is such a huge thing for her,” Adee murmured before she smiled at him. “Took the words right out of my mouth,” she teasingly said, letting out a soft laugh before she bit down on her lower lip nervously. A part of her was more than grateful that Dae had been there for her during what felt like one of her lowest moments, but it also meant he saw just how much she was struggling with handling everything. “I’m glad you’re here though. You look amazing,” Adee added before she shrugged. “Hanging in there,” she said, trying to be as honest as possible. “And you? How’re you feeling?”
Jun offers Adee a quiet smile. Truthfully, it’s been hard, and the last time everyone was grouped together like this, the atmosphere for him had felt different, lighter in a way. But he came to support the couple, and figured it would be the best way to get his mind off of what happened. “Thank you,” he added. “It’s a party, we should be having fun, right? They look happy together,” Jun remarked, glancing at the people of the hour before turning back towards Adee. “I hope you’ve been taking care of yourself.”
“Right,” Adee nodded. “By having fun, I hope you mean alcohol because I don’t see how else I can survive this night. I don’t even remember how many of these I’ve had,” she said with a sigh as she held up the flute of champagne. It also probably wasn’t the wisest decision to mix all the drinks together -- champagne, shots from the open bar, and even a little margarita concoction the bartender gave her when she asked to be surprised. “Mei looks so beautiful tonight,” Adee said, a small smile on her lips, even as a pang of jealousy hit her. From what she knew, her friend hadn’t even been looking for a good guy, hadn’t been looking to settle down, and yet, she got everything that Adee wanted, and selfishly, she wondered what she was doing that was so wrong that what she wanted kept eluding her. “Been taking double shifts at the diner. Just been trying to distract myself from... everything,” she murmured, letting out another sigh. “What about you? Is there anything I can do to help?”
