27. smoking weed on the front porch. i keep waiting for something to change. i keep waiting for bad habits to stop on their own. i wait for good things to happen without any effort. i wait for lucky strikes although i don’t have any left. i wait to get better. i want to pick up the phone. i want to say something good, something interesting, or something you care about. maybe i say something that makes you care about me for a little longer. how can i explain to everyone in my life that i’m paralyzed where i am because nothing about my lived past makes sense? i’m so overwhelmed in the morning, remembering that my mom lived longer with an abusive husband than without. how much more weight did i add to her life with my nonsensical tantrums? i fall asleep every night wondering if i’ll still be at the same job next year, or if i’ll be happy in grad school, or how this country will look in a year? life keeps going and i make no effort to be in anyone’s life because i’m just tired of it all!
